Two Minutes Hate: Remakes

Dear Hollywood,

Why do you keep taking the properties I loved as a child and sodomizing remaking them for the Halo Fratboy crowd modern audiences? The first Conan did the job. It's a revenge story about a guy with pecs bigger than your average Norwegian, who hacks people to pieces with an enormous metal penis substitute. How will this tale be improved with shit-tonnes of cgi? What gold do you suspect remains unmined between Conan's muscular buttocks?

WTF is with this trailer? How many cigarettes did you make that voice over guy smoke before he laid down the track? I can HEAR the fucking cancer in the poor bastard's voice. And is this honestly the best snippet of dialogue your new pretty-boy Conan spouts in this film? "I live, I love, I slay"? Hell, the orginal Conan was no Shakespeare in the script dept, but at least Arnie had a funny accent.

If this film were to stand before Crom, he would laugh at it and cast it out of Valhalla.

STOP IT.