SEN. JOE LIEBERMAN

from HUSTLER Magazine May 2011

SEN. JOE LIEBERMAN

Say it ain't so, Joe! Tell us you're not the putrid scumsucker we think you are. Or just fess up and admit we've got you dead to rights.

Where do we start? How about the notion that you cost Al Gore the Presidential election in 2000? You remember that political contest, don't you, Joe? You had the Vice President slot on the Democratic ticket. But during your debate with Dick Cheney, the Republican VP nominee, he cleaned your clock.

And what about your pathetic attempt to run for President in 2004? You withdrew from the race without winning a single primary. Even Al Gore refused to support you, and that lack of public support wasn't just because of your hawkish stance on Iraq. A lot of it had to do with your sounding like a nebbish when you speak. You know that, don't you? You're kinda creepy, Joe. Then in 2006 there was your failure to be renominated as the Democratic Party's candidate for the U.S. Senate, where you'd represented Connecticut since 1989. You were forced to run as an independent. Sure, you retained your Senate seat for another six years, but it was just barely and only because it was a threeway race.

Although you were no longer a Democrat, the Democratic Party decided to let you retain your chairmanship of the powerful Senate Committee on Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs. You repaid them by campaigning for Senator John McCain (RArizona) instead of Barack Obama during their 2008 Presidential runs.

Let's consider that for a minute: Throughout most of the campaign, McCain seemed, well, confused and befuddled. Some thought he was suffering from senility. And there you were, Joe, whispering corrections in his ear. How do you think that made you look? Only a moron would support a senile candidate for the highest office in the land.

McCain lost, and still the Democrats refused to strip you of your chairmanship. We guess you could say that makes them assholes too, especially after you threatened to filibuster Obama's healthcare package if it contained the highly popular public option. (Indeed, you failed to support the healthcare bill even after the public option was removed.) Coming from the state of Connecticut, where so many health insurance companies are headquartered (and bankroll your campaigns), your decision was a safe one even though you had previously supported similar healthcare reform. But that was back when it didn't have a chance of passing. It's easy to be for the right thing when you don't actually have to put your ass on the line. (By the way, 60% of your constituents were for the public option, and—unlike the claim you made at the time—it would not have raised premiums and added to the country's debt.)

Then there's the rest of your dismal voting record: You voted against a bill that would have encouraged companies to bring their jobs back to the U.S.; against eliminating the tax loopholes of big oil and gas companies; against every effort to reduce U.S. troop presence overseas; against "too big to fail" legislation designed to impose limits on the size of financial companies; and you voted for a bill (McCain's) that struck the "Buy American" provision from Obama's stimulus package. There's more, but we've made our point. You don't give a rat's ass about the American people. Look, Joe, we could go on, but let's just cut to the chase: You are either an idiot or a douchebag. If it's the latter, that means you're willing to do and say anything just to advance your own interests regardless of the consequences for others. (FYI: That's how most people see you, explaining why your approval rating hovers at 33%.)

This brings us to the real point of naming you Asshole of the Month: the 2012 election cycle. You had a decision to make, sir! Should you retire or should you run for the Senate as a Republican? Your ability to run as an independent under the Connecticut for Lieberman Party banner has been usurped by your detractors who took over that vehicle after the 2006 election.

Given your approval rating in Connecticut, Joe, you certainly weren't going to secure the Democratic nomination. So that just left the Republican Party, and even with them your approval rating was only at 48%. So thank you for finally looking reality in the face. You've decided to give the rest of us a fucking break by not running for the Senate in 2012. Yes, you've done enough damage. It's time for you and Hadassah to go off into the sunset together. Goodbye and good riddance.

(Editor's Note: This is not the first time we have made Joe Lieberman our Asshole of the Month. He garnered that honor in the February '09 and April '10 issues as well. However, it's worth mentioning that nothing here repeats all the other reasons he's been considered worthy of that award. We've just added to his long list of "achievements" as a major league Asshole. Thanks to her decades of lobbying for pharmaceutical and healthcare firms, Joe's wife— Hadassah Lieberman—was an April '10 Fart in the Wind.)