THE RULES OF ALL DRINKING STORIES

This evening I posted the following on Twitter (and by extension, Facebook):

Drinking stories told by people over 30 are sad and pathetic.

I think I should clarify my exceedingly judgmental and overly accurate position on the subject.

The thought originated after listening to the 32 and 35-year old hosts of a technology podcast spent the first two minutes of their show talking about how they had spent the previous evening (St. Patrick's Day) drinking and describing how much Advil had been required in order to function properly the next day.

As I listened to this, I thought:

Really?  You're still getting drunk on a work night and bragging about it the next day?  And wasting my time in the process?

And so after some deliberation, I  present to you:

THE RULES OF ALL DRINKING STORIES

1.  No one will ever care about your drinking stories as much as you.

2.  Drinking stories never impress the type of woman who one would want to impress. 

3.  If you have more than three excellent drinking stories from your entire life, you are incorrect in your estimation of an excellent drinking story.

4.  Drinking stories must always be your own.  Telling someone else's drinking story reaches a level of separation that makes the story no longer tenable. 

4.  A drinking story told by someone over the age of 30 or whose spouse is over the age of 30 is a sad, pathetic and ultimately tragic event except under the following conditions:

The drinking story has surpassed all other drinking stories and has become the storyteller's absolute best drinking story of all time.  The drinking story is one that was formulated before the age of 30 and is one of the storyteller's three best drinking stories of all time. The storyteller is over 70.  Elderly drinking stories are acceptable in any form as they are rare and oftentimes hilarious.

5.  Even the best drinking stories are seriously compromised if told during the daytime and/or at the workplace.