Virtual Lines in a Real World

[image error]I've been a bad blogger! As you can see.

I've got a whole list of reasons why. Finalizing book for launch. Finally united with my love. Kids driving me mad. Prepping for a major move. Blablabla. You get the point.

But a lot has happened in that time. And it's got me thinking about the lines drawn in online relationships.

It gets muddy. I'm sitting on the couch next to a man I met on Twitter. Obviously I'm not one to argue that the virtual world isn't real.

But there are some things to consider. Some things that make it tricky to navigate at times.

I learned a hard lesson in online friendship this week.

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What are you REALLY feeling?

Non-Verbal Communication

Non-Verbal Communication makes up something like 80% of our communication. So what happens when 100% of communication is dependent on little black letters on a computer screen?

Miscommunication.

Most people online understand this. Some don't.

When chatting, or @ing or IMing or DMing or FBing, there's bound to be some time lags, [image error]some situations where replies aren't immediate. And sometimes when there are no replies.

I might not reply to EVERY @, DM, or whatever. I might look online but not be at my computer. (It stays on pretty much all day!) If you haven't asked a direct question, but merely commented, I might not have anything with which to reply.

This should not represent a personal slight to you.

It just means that of my 4100 Twitter followers, 300 FB friends and hundreds of Goodread friends, plus 3 kids and a man who likes my attention from time to time, I miss stuff.

The best way to deal with this is to email me and say "hey, I'm kinda hurt that you haven't responded to me in awhile. I thought we were friends, what's up?"

Call me crazy, but I go for the direct, mature approach to conflict resolution.

And here's the thing, there are circles of friendship. We have our super-tight intimate group. We have our good friends we like to hang with. We have our casual friends who are included in random updates about our lives, and we have professional contacts.

And sometimes these circles crisscross. We all do our best to stay on top of all this, but it's not easy.

Most of my friends understand this. Most see that I make an effort to reply, respond, post to their blog or read what they ask me to. They also know it sometimes takes me time to get there.

Some don't quite get it. And then it explodes.

I had one such explosion this week. Very random, sudden and unforeseen. Though the warning signs were there, if I'd been paying attention.

My theory

[image error]The virtual world is trickier for a few reasons.

1. Warning signs are easier to ignore. This is especially true for writers, as we all have voices cultivated for specific types and styles of writing. A person's writing style may or may not reflect everything about them, so if they blog in a certain way, that doesn't necessarily mean they are like that all the time. Right? But when a person is so full of anger that it permeates their life, chances are it will eventually spill onto you.

2. Boundaries are harder to maintain, but seem easier. It seems like we have more control over our boundaries online. Only people we choose can get our number, or have access to more personal information. However, this illusion of control allows us more freedom for false intimacy. How many "You are the best, you rock, love you's" do you see on twitter? Don't get me wrong. I really do LOVE the people I connect with. And I have made some awesome true, real life friends. But even they know, I am not always available! Truth be told, my very best in person, lifelong friend and I email about 2-3 times a month and talk maybe once a month.

3. It's all in the numbers. The pros: You can connect with people all over the world to find those true kindred spirits with whom to engage on a deeper level. You can also make amazing professional connections and build a customer base for your product, service or book. The cons: When you connect with people all over the world, you are bound to run into bad experiences. Professional connections that turn to friendship can have fuzzy boundaries, leaving one or both parties confused or hurt.

4. Falling outs are WAAAAY too public! If you've ever had hate-blogs directed at you, you know what I mean. What was once relegated to in person discussions is now fodder for hate-blogs everywhere. You don't like someone? Forget just talking to them, let's tear them a new one online!

Bottom Line

The rules and lines are different for online relationships. It's not black and white anymore. I'm not some removed writer with a byline in a newspaper you read, or some random author whose book you just bought on Amazon.

Now you can engage with me on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn and fan pages. You can @ me and email me. There is a potential for friendship.

But there are A LOT of people online, and I am just one person. While I would love to engage everyone on the same level, I just can't.

Those with whom I have gotten closer have mostly turned out to be pretty amazing friends. But it can be a double edged sword in the wrong hands. I learned that the hard way.

So my question to you is this:

How do you balance it all? How do you nurture your friendships (both virtual and in [image error]person), establish healthy boundaries and protect your time and energy from people who may come back in attack mode when they feel slighted?

Basically, what is the best way to utilize social media to promote, create, and develop a fan base AND friendships that will last?

I realize this is not a question to be answered in a single comment. But it's something to think about, and I'd love to start a discussion about all of this!