John & Sherlock vs. John & Mary

mild-lunacy:

silentauroriamthereal:

With Mary, John is forced to become a bottom. With Sherlock, he is allowed to be whatever he feels like being, because they’re partners.

This applies to every aspect of the comparison. When Mary and John “banter”, it’s one-sided. Mary “playfully” says what she wants to John and John receives it until he gets seriously angry. With Sherlock, there’s give and take, and in the heat of the moment, whichever of them is more qualified to take the lead in a situation takes it. If it’s a dead body, Sherlock is in charge. If it’s a live body, John is in charge. There is space in their relationship for that, for each of them to fully live in their own skin and be who they are. Mary limits John. She chips away at his confidence (or tries to) and belittles him. Compare this: 

Sherlock: Nice touch.
John: Haven’t pulled rank in ages.
Sherlock: Enjoy it?
John: Oh, yeah.

To: 

Mary: Seriously??
John: Why not? She’s not going to the police. Someone’s got to get him.
Mary: Why you?
John: I’m being neighbourly.
Mary: Since when?!
John: Since now. Since this exact minute.
Mary: Why are you being so …?
John: What?
Mary: I dunno. What’s the matter with you?
John: There is nothing the matter with me!

Call that “banter”, if you want, but that’s not what it sounds like. And that’s just one tiny section of an entire scene of this, of Mary questioning John’s abilities and motives, ridiculing his choice to take a tyre lever with him and correcting him in front of their neighbour. Why NOT Captain John Watson of the Fifth Northumberland Fusiliers? Who better to effect the rescue of the neighbour’s kid? 

Sherlock, on the other hand, gives John everything he needs to be who he really is. Mary wants John to fit into some little box that only she had a say in designing and she calls John out whenever he steps out of it (”I’m taking Mary home.” / *Mary clears her throat pointedly* / “Mary’s taking me home” - MP, yes, but this is clearly Sherlock’s observation of how their relationship works.) Sherlock, within twenty-four hours of having met John, restored his ability to walk, gave him the adrenaline he craved and cured the tremor in his left hand, allowing him to return to medical practise and take whatever part he wanted in Sherlock’s casework at the same time.

One of these relationships gives John freedom and affirmation of who he is, what he wants, and the means to be and do all of it, and the other gives him a cage and a role to play with someone else who is also playing a role. These relationships are very, very different. 

Yes. The ‘bottom’ thing made me think, though. I think John, in many ways, had a typical (if very truncated) marriage, at least of a certain kind. A lot of times, even stereotypically, you have nagging and bossy, never understanding wives, and male best friends who’re the true saviors of sanity, dignity and selfhood. Your best friend shares your values, while your wife just takes your money and your youth and gives nothing back except maybe manipulative possessiveness. Sound familiar? And I mean this is a self-narrative of what happens with many working class white straight men in particular. This dynamic is by no means automatically suggestive of romantic contrast– even though in this case, of course it is one. However, I do think Mary was initially supportive of Sherlock and excited or positive about John’s cases on TEH and TSoT in order to offset this a bit. If this was the entire story, then ironically, John isn’t entirely sympathetic. We’ve heard that story before, and everyone knows where they stand before it even starts.

So back to the bottom!John bit: is John oppressed by his wife? If John was the stereotypical male he can pretend to be sometimes, he’d probably think so. It’s how a lot of married men seem to think, certainly, while the wives definitely nurse their own list of chronic complaints. I agree that Mary really is manipulative and not supportive; the contrast between John’s freedom with Sherlock and the stifling atmosphere at home in the beginning of HLV is certainly there. But well, Mary’s no more ordinary than John; it isn’t really that kind of story. I think that’s partly why that parallel between Sherlock and Mary in the Baker St confrontation (‘it’s what you like’) is as important and intentional as their contrast. As Sherlock suggests, Mary’s also bored as Dr Watson’s understanding, cute wife. She can also certainly keep him in trouble, and keep up with him, and she knows it. She wants to come with him to the drugs den, and is frustrated because she certainly knows that he’d love to have Sherlock along, and she’s just as good, isn’t she? But John can’t know that, and even if he did, he probably wouldn’t care. She’s *pregnant*, after all, and worse– she’s not Sherlock. So she’s trapped too. And yes, she’s controlling, but to say that Sherlock isn’t would be incorrect. Sherlock’s certainly also controlling and he also keeps secrets, though he’s not emotionally manipulative.

The point is mainly that Sherlock can and *has* changed and learned from his mistakes, whereas Mary can’t and won’t, due to her role in the narrative. But the landscape is kind of complicated. Both of them have controlled John and limited his agency for their own ends; both have not been inclined to trust him with their vulnerabilities and secrets when it mattered in the past. And John himself has been withholding with both of them as well. Both have a history of not treating him as a full partner, at least at times. That’s why John was so upset; why he yelled about how it’s always his fault. It’s just that Sherlock’s ends are genuinely more justifiable, and John is more inclined to forgive him and trust him in the end.

I think it’s less that anyone can make John a bottom (including Sherlock) and more that John often makes a choice to go along, to follow others who’re more certain of themselves. Whether it’s in the army, in the clinic, with Sherlock or in his marriage, John knows how to do what he’s supposed to do, to tolerate things he needs to tolerate and hurry up and wait. He knows how not to confront until he’s ready. John isn’t being submissive in that process, but just being hands off. With Sherlock, it’s seen at its best– as healthy and complementary– but John always does it, more or less. His character growth is in part about going after what he needs directly. Not that he’s normally *passive*, and certainly not submissive otherwise, but John follows the rules in his own way, until he snaps. This means he can be vulnerable to those whose agenda entirely subverts, manipulates or ignores those life rules and expectations. That is, he can be vulnerable for a while. When John chooses to take matters in his own hands, I wouldn’t really bet on anything or anyone that’s in his way.

Sorry, I told you I was going to respond to this properly days ago! It’s been a crazy week! 

I should back up and add in some riders about the “bottom” thing - in using that terminology, I don’t mean that any person who enjoys being in the receiving position sexually is necessarily in a submissive position, and even if they are, that there would be anything wrong with that. What I meant first and foremost with this post is that Mary has a very specific role and position that she expects John to fill in their relationship and in life in general, and that being stuck in this narrow role limits John. 

Being with Sherlock, John has considerably more flexibility. It’s true that in the beginning of their relationship, Sherlock treated him like an idiot, but there’s plenty of evidence to suggest that he’s learned better by now. Not only does he realise that John isn’t an idiot, but that there are areas where John knows considerably more about something and is perfectly willing to step down from being in the lead (after all, crime solving is his work, his area of expertise) and let John take the reins. Sherlock doesn’t use the terminology of permission with John; partnership is assumed, regardless of who’s in the lead. 

Mary IS bored, sure. But John and Mary can’t have an honest conversation about their dynamic and what they each might want from it until Mary can be honest about exactly who she is, what she does, and what she has to offer. It’s still smoke and mirrors there. That’s a trap of her own making. She was willing to kill someone just to keep John from have the very information he would need in order to figure out how a relationship could actually work with Mary. He literally doesn’t know who she is. What we do know is that Mary is tremendously concerned about herself, what she wants, what she needs (”needs”). She isn’t concerned about what John can do or wants to do; she’s interested in having John perform in certain ways that conform to what SHE wants. 

Sherlock wants John’s abilities, in the way that John wants to perform them. With Sherlock, John has the freedom to lead or to follow as a situation demands. He could, if we stick with my flawed analogy, top or bottom as he pleases. With Sherlock, there’s room for that. With Mary, they do things Mary’s way, and she makes it very clear that she and only she is in control. It isn’t about control between John and Sherlock; there is an ease to their dynamic that allows both people to be who they are and do what they do. John is extraordinarily patient with Sherlock, and Sherlock is unusually responsive to John’s expertise and authority when the occasion calls for it. As I see it, that’s a much healthier dynamic than Mary putting John into a box and demanding that they conform - while denying him a say about it, knowledge of her real identity, attempting to kill his best friend, and even denying him any sort of validation. “Why you? What’s wrong with you? What is that? Since when (are you neighbourly)? You want to do conversation now? You can’t go (and if you insist on it, I’m forcing my presence on you).” This is what we hear from Mary to John. 

“The bravest and kindest and wisest human being I have ever had the good fortune of knowing.


There was one feature and only one feature of interest in the whole of this baffling case, and quite frankly it was the usual. John Watson.  …how invaluable John is to me. I can read a crime scene the way he can understand a human being. I used to think that’s what made me special – quite frankly, I still do. But a word to the wise: should any of you require the services of either of us, I will solve your murder, but it takes John Watson to save your life. Trust me on that – I should know. He’s saved mine so many times, and in so many ways.” These are things that Sherlock says of John, on the other hand. Bit of a difference there!  Sherlock absolutely recognises John’s talents and skills for what they are and values them. Mary values them only to the extent that they serve her own interests, and if John wants to go beyond that, her immediately response is to try to curtail him and hold him back.