To My Adoring Fan: I Don't Think So

FROM: X.X. Xxxxx
DATE: Sunday, March 13, 2011 9:25 AM
TO: Irene Ziegler Aston
SUBJECT: adoration

My Dear Mr.Irene Ziegler,

Good morning.I sincerely hope that you are keeping very fine,in good health.

This is one of my countless attempts to reach you,as you  have always been my source of inspiration,I'll be grateful to you,if you please bless me,with your autographed photograph.Though I never got despite my countinous efforts,but I hope that you would not disappoint me,this time.I pray that may God always keep you happy and healthy.

With high regards
X.X. Xxxxx

From:-
(Man With Indian Name)
Xxxxxx Xxxxxx Road
Kolkata-700006
West Bengal
INDIA

**

Dear (Man With Indian Name),

At least, I assume you're a man, as you assumed I am. Hail fellow well met.

Indeed, I am keeping very fine, thank you for asking. I must admit to feeling a bit apprehensive lately, however, as I am in receipt of your "adoring" email, and frankly, you're flipping me out.

I'm going to assume the slightly threatening tone I perceive in your request is due to a bug in the translation application you're using. The fact that my father is not banging on your door with a bat this very minute (thank you for including your address) is testament to my generosity in giving you the benefit of the doubt. Further, I feel compelled to offer you advice as you pursue contact with your other sources of inspiration, for if you persist in this way, an eighty-two year old man wielding a baseball bat will be the least of your problems.

1. Tone down the solicitation. American women do not appreciate being called "my dear." Nor do they appreciate being called Mr., but that could just be me.

2. While "adoration" makes for a provocative subject line, it suggests an unstable mind. Have you spent any time with me lately? I'm not that adorable. Ask anyone.

3. Referring to your countless attempts to reach me sounds like you're getting a weency bit exasperated. Be assured, this is the first time I have heard from you, and there is no need to start drawing mustaches on my avatar.

4. Are you aware of the cost of sending an autographed photograph to West Bengal, India? I don't see an offer in your email to reimburse me (in American dollars) for the postage. In the future, please arrange for an electronic transfer into my PayPal account, offer to add one American dollar for handling, and I will consider your request.

5. You did not mention what you plan to do with my autographed photograph once you receive it.

6. While it has never been my intention to disappoint you, have you stopped to consider how much more disappointed you might be once you receive my photograph? Do you know I have chin hairs and a bunion on my right foot? And I'm not really a blonde. There's no such thing as a real American blonde, so sorry to disappoint once again.

7. My friend Jan says I should send you an autographed photograph, anyway. I don't think so. But if you would like Jan's address, please email again. In the subject line, put "adoration my dear Mr. Jan" and I'll make sure she gets your request.

Best wishes to you and your interesting hobby,

MS. Irene Ziegler

PS If my dad shows up, tell him we're cool.