Hope For The Hopeless

I had an interesting therapy session today, when it came time to update my treatment plan. This was supposed to be done awhile ago, but an attempted overdose followed by a psych ward stay and a crisis last week we have had to put it off. During our conversation I was as I am with anyone very straight forward on my date and my plan. When she realized using my children as a reason to stick around was no longer an option, she told me there isn’t a point in doing a new treatment plan when my mind was already made up.

She asked me why I wanted to continue therapy if my mind was already made up. I responded “so I have someone to talk to.” We went over the oxymoronic cycle of having my death planned yet still putting forth great effort to try and improve my position in life. This was a good question, and one others have asked me as well.

I explained the analogy of planting seeds. Prior to leaving for Vegas our fields had been planted with both corn and poison berries, and trying to distinguish between the two became impossible. Something wonderful happened on this trip, for the first time in my life I wanted to live, I saw hope, beauty, and possibly something greater than the nothingness of atheism. The story of this can be saved for another time, because I walked away for a moment and forgot what my point was.

So here I am in this oxymoronic duality of accepting the date and place where I will be set free, yet another side of me is hopeful that life is worth living. The scariest thing about this is hope has fucked me over time and time again. Fool me once so on and so forth, to go from hope to hopelessness is worse than being hopeless to begin with.

In the end we agreed to build off of this as part of my treatment plan. I promised to work on myself as well as my business. We found common ground in the end the loudess words were the words which went unsaid. The understanding that my time left is fleeting, if I am still here the morning after my departure date all I can hope form that day forth are days without resentment and regret for missing my flight once again.

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