Marlowe on fashion and fodder

Today I have the great pleasure of welcoming Master Marlowe to the blog for a guest post on… well, I’ll let him do the talking, okay?

Good morning Hell Kittens,

I’ve come to understand that clothes and food are among the most conflict-laden topics of today. Huh. It all sounds strangely familiar to an Elizabethan like me. There may not be any state sumptuary laws anymore, but in practice, those who deviate from the grey-suit/meat-and-two-veg norm will be punished.

For example, people gasp in horror at breeches that hang too low on the buttocks. Why? I think it’s a wonderful practice, and one that I would gladly have introduced in my day if I’d thought of it. Instead, we had those stupid balloony things so you couldn’t assess anyone’s ass before you were too far gone to say thanks but no thanks.

And food? There are whole religions devoted to bacon, and crusades directed against it. Fat people should eat this, poor people should eat that, no cookies for the unworthy.

Well, here’s an idea: let people eat what they want. Let people wear what they want.

I know. Scandalous. I mean, if everyone is allowed to wear purple velvet, even though it should really be reserved for nobles, the whole Chain of Being will unravel. Right? Right?

Ridiculous. In particular, I find the current horror surrounding torn clothing laughable. My clothes were always torn! How else could I show off the expensive fabric underneath?

And another thing: we were supposed to ‘cover our heads’ in church, but nowadays it seems it’s polite to take your hat off. Don’t you see? It’s all bollocks! They just want to keep you occupied, worrying about crap, while they plan the takeover of the fucking world. Don’t buy into it. Keep that hat on in the classroom. Wear that ridiculous thing on your head. It’s your head, isn’t it?

They also used to tell me I couldn’t eat meat more than once a week. Oh, and in case anyone’s wondering, that’s ‘meat’ in the mutton/beef sense. In the figurative sense, they wanted me to choke on cock and go to hell. (I did choke a few times, but I didn’t end up in hell, so I guess that’s a stalemate.) And since I wasn’t allowed to eat meat more than once a week, of course I gorged myself on it 24/7. Because fuck them. Today, I would probably be vegan. Anything to piss the tossers off.

It’s all made up. It’s all just shit wank rules someone made up so they could win at a game the rest of us don’t have to play. So go out in the world, my dear Hell Kittens, and remember to keep your hat on.

/Christophorus Merlino