What Loving You Feels Like
Grandma always had that one chair
that felt ‘just right’ and every weekend
the cousins would fight to see who got
to sit in that chair. Sometimes
my mom would drop me off before
the others arrived—and all weekend
that chair would be mine. To sit in.
To lay in. To stretch my legs in.
To rest my legs in. And
that’s what loving you feels like.
I had a best friend once, you know,
the ones we promised to always
KIT with—except she moved away
before the school year was over and
I thought I’d never see her again.
But summer came and we drove
out to where she lived and
I got to spend two whole weeks
with her. She took me exploring
one day and we found a honeysuckle
bush; the scent wafted out to meet us
before we saw it with our eyes.
We reached out, took a honeysuckle
petal from the bush. It was sweet. I never
wanted to leave it. And
that’s what loving you feels like.
People who truly know me know
that I’m terrified of heights.
But I’ve been on a plane exactly twice.
I recall the fear that accompanied me
as I walked through the airport that first time.
Not strolled – because stroll would mean
I was okay and I wasn’t. But I did it.
When the plane first took off, I held on
to the woman beside me. Halfway through
the flight I forgot I was off the ground
and I felt calm. I didn’t need to think
about my fear of flying anymore.
I had trusted their wings to help me
feel free. And they kept my feet off the
ground. And
that’s what loving you feels like.
I’ve always been gangly and awkward.
Not athletic. Whenever the kids in the
neighborhood would say
‘let’s race, let’s run’ I would make up
excuses to make it possible for me to
race back into the house where I could
hide away. I’d watch the other kids race
from my bedroom window, while I hid
away. But they say all good things will eventually
come to an end. One day my fear was exposed.
The girl who always won every race she ran
taunted me. And that day I wanted to undress
my fears, wanted to stand bare. I raced her.
Ran so fast my lungs constricted and my chest
started to hurt. But I almost won that day.
I crossed the line only a few seconds
behind her. I wanted to race her again, knowing
next time I’d win. And
that’s what loving you feels like.
After a really long day, I sometimes stand
in the shower, warm water raining down on me.
The water mingles with my tears and washes away
the sadness. Sometimes I cry the whole time,
other times the crying is over quickly. But always,
I find peace standing beneath the falling rain.
And that’s also where I find me. And if there
are any pieces that have been torn away
during the day, they return to me. And
that’s what loving you feels like.
Peace & Love,
Rosalind
