The Twelve Undisputable Laws of the Society for Worn Out Backs

Hmmm, if you want to apply for membership in the Society for Worn Out Backs (SWOB), are you willing to memorize the twelve undisputable laws?

Be advised that these laws are iron clad and must be religiously obeyed. Violating even one will result in immediate expulsion from SWOB – not to mention a week on the couch watching daytime reruns and swallowing anti-inflammatories like candy.

Herewith are the laws. Commit them to memory or forever hold your peace.

Law #1: If it falls on the floor, it is meant to be there. Let it be.

Law #2: If it falls on the floor and rolls under a table, leave it there until your cat discovers it and decides to play with it. Eventually it will come back to you.

Law #3: If it is a can’t-live-without-it item and it falls on the floor more than twice in any given day, it is cursed. Throw it away and buy a new one.

Law #4: Your lumbar roll is your most cherished possession. You must have a back-up one and a back-up to the back-up. Having it surgically attached to your back is permissible.

Law #5: If it weighs more than your cat, you cannot under any circumstances pick it up. Where it sits is where it must stay. It is better to have to walk around it then to lift it.

Law #6: If you must sit longer than 45 minutes without standing, you must do the eggbeater with your legs. Yes, it is lame and people will give you strange looks. Deal with it.

Law #7: Lower shelves are for able bodied people. You are not one of them. It if can’t fit on an upper shelf, get rid of it.

Law #8: Heating pads and cold packs are your best and most intimate friends. Treat them with reverence and respect and always have at least two of each.

Law #9: Standing is better than sitting. Walking is better than standing. Don’t even think about running. You’ll get there when you get there.

Law #10: If the elevator is broken and your destination is more than two flights up, you’re shit out of luck. It might as well be on Mars.

Law #11: If the puddle is longer than a single stride and you can’t walk around it, turn around and go home. Jumping is not an option.

Law #12: If you slip, trip or fall, you’re screwed. Period. End of discussion.

If you must have a metaphor to live by, make it this one. It’s not the slip or the trip or the fall that’s the problem. It’s the landing. Welcome to SWOB. Your membership card is in the mail.

~ Michael Robert Dyet is the author of “Until the Deep Water Stills – An Internet-enhanced Novel” – double winner in the Reader Views Literary Awards 2009. Visit Michael’s website at www.mdyetmetaphor.com or the novel online companion at www.mdyetmetaphor.com/blog .

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