This & That: Relationships Take Work Edition

I wrote:  My husband and I are in our middle 50's.  We have a $150,000.00 mortgage (house is valued at about$ 475,000.00).  We make approx. $5000.00 a month NET.  We have $5000 on our line of credit and no credit card balances.  My question is we want to retire in 5 years.  Should we sell our cabin in the mountains and pay down our mortgage.  (I think the cabin would bring in maybe enough to pay off the mortgage or fairly close.)  My husband wants to keep the cabin, I want to sell and get rid of the interest we are paying to the bank each month.  What would you suggest?

Gail says:  No way am I wading into this argument.  Do I look like I was born yesterday?  It sounds to me like your hubby may be more emotionally attached to the cabin that you are.  And you may want him to have that cabin when he does retire and you need a place for him to go for a few days.  I know you want to retire early, so you both have to decide if having the cabin is worth a few extra years of working.  Your first priority should be to get that line paid off.  Interest rates are on their way up and you want to be free of that sucker.  You can then use the money you were using to pay off the line to pay down the mortgage.  Make sure you're on an accelerated weekly payment.  Maybe there are other things your husband has that he's willing to get rid of to keep the cabin.  Or maybe you agree together that the cabin isn't being used enough (nor will it be in the future) to justify keeping it.  This should be partly about getting to debt free before retirement.  But it should also be about what you really want, and what else you're prepared to give up to get what you really want.  Both of you.

S wrote:  My husband is a spender.  I can make buffalo howl (rubbing buffalo nickels together).  I let him spend his money-his allowance.  My allowance (for me to me) is $20 every 2 weeks.  How can I get him to come to my way of thinking without nagging (doesn't work, been there, done that) and ruining the marriage?  I pay the bills and we are not deeply in debt-about 2K on credit cards.  I pay $50 extra on the mortgage.  I would like to have no debt.

Gail says:  Marriage is about figuring out what's important to both people in the relationship.  Why don't you think of something that's really important to your husband that he requires your cooperation for?  Then sit down and talk about how he would feel if you didn't cooperate.  Then tell him that the money thing is as important for you and that is for him.  Now you want him to commit to cooperating because this is so important to you.  Tell him you're not going to nag or bug.  He's a big boy and perfectly capable of monitoring his own behaviour.  If he does not meet you half way on your need, you back off on his.  He'll figure it out!

Malikum wrote:  Dear Gail, I've just finished graduate school and I'm currently between jobs (i.e. I'm not earning at the moment).  I am a 35-year-old woman and I'm in romantic relationship with someone who says they're serious about our future (and he is earning at the moment, he is a fireman).  I would like to get serious too, but his spending seems so impulsive and excessive, I'm afraid of merging accounts, and therefore lives.  I am a saver, I buy what I need, and I try to invest my savings, and I admire people who are also savers.  I have recently introduced my beau to your show, but he doesn't seem to be taking the hint.  He is critical of those on the show, but isn't thinking about applying those tips.  In truth, I am only *guessing* that he is spending more than he is earning.  How do I broach this subject with him without him becoming defensive and pointing to my current unemployment (which I am working on, and which is a touchy subject!)?  I don't want it to appear that I'm a gold-digger or nagging him, but I am concerned that there is not a day that goes by without his spending on restaurants, beverages/snacks at work, and entertainment, like magazines, music, posters, or kitschy goods.  I feel like his consumption is a matter of self-worth and esteem?  I would like to raise this issue and sort it out before committing my life to him.  Is that fair?

Gail says:  It most certainly is fair.  You should be able to talk about the money because it is going to be something that affects you both as individuals and as a couple your whole lives.  In our culture of consumption, being secretive about money is the name of the game.  We don't want our partners to know how often we hit the ubiquitous ATM, click the "buy now" online or accept one of the many credit card and line of credit offers that come through the mail slot.  But if we don't talk about the money — including what we're bringing to the relationship in terms of assets and debts — then we're not being upfront and honest with each other.  And that lack of openness and honesty can hurt people long after a relationship bites the dust.  So I encourage you to talk to your future "life partner" about this.

First, tell him that this isn't about what's gone on in the past.  This is about building a future together.

Next, ask him to share what he feels is important to him, and ask him to listen to what you think is important to you.

Then talk about what you want, need, expect from each other.

He should not be throwing your "not working" into the mix.  If he does, ask him if he would feel angry or sad if you ended up making more than he does when you do find work. How will you deal with the arrival of children, and the drop in income that usually comes with?  How will you both share expenses so it is fair and so you can also build your own savings and achieve your individual goals?

I believe very strongly that the way a couple deals with their money — handle it, cope with disappointments, negotiate disagreements — is a pretty strong predictor of the long-term success of their relationship.  Since disagreements about money tend to be intense, if you can swing those with civility and with a focus on solutions, just about everything else will be easy.  If you can't talk about money, or if one partner uses money to control or manipulate the other, then the relationship is doomed, so just don't go there.

If you or your partner are entering into this relationship thinking that you won't have to (or be able to) speak freely about money, that says something.  And if you don't have a sense of security about the future, that says something too.   While you may want to maintain some financial independence – don't share credit! — you'll also want to work together to deal with the day-to-day costs of living and to achieve the goals you set as a couple.  And you'll have to talk about it to do that.

Alison wrote:  Hi Gail, Thank you in advance for your time – I know it's valuable!  I love your show and watch almost daily to find useful tips to incorporate into my life.  I am married x10years, 3 kids (ages 7, 5, & 2.5), own a house and 2 vehicles.  My husband and I have no debt except for our mortgage.  I have two credit cards, my husband has three.  My husband would like to save every penny that we make and pay down our mortgage in record time, and I like to enjoy life and some of the sweeter things that it has to offer.  Our take home income per month is approx. $7000.00.  We have tried to use a budget but have never been successful with sticking to it.  We do not carry a balance on any of our cards and try to use cards that "pay us back" something.  Our monthly expenses pretty much break us even, but we stay in the black and manage to save a small amount each month.  We share our money – we have one account that pays for all and we pretty much make the same (him working full-time and me working part-time).

My question/problem is this:  I think that we are doing well – this is probably the most expensive time for us in life with a young family, paying a mortgage, me having to work part-time, etc. and I feel that we should be proud of ourselves for the way we have handled our finances.  On the other hand, he is in a constant state of anxiety about our finances.  It is a major problem in our marriage – I can't spend anything without causing him anxiety and in turn, me feeling a certain amount of guilt about it.  I don't know that I can convey to you the enormity of the problem that this causes, but I am very concerned that we are headed for disaster because of his unrealistic fear that I will spend our family into the ground (even though I have long since proved that I will not do that).  How can I get him to realize

that we are on the right track?  Do you have any suggestions for couples who are in a saver/spender relationship that find themselves at odds, despite no actual financial problems?  What percentage should we be trying to save with our income (currently save about 5%, not including RESP $)?  Please help!!!

Gail says:  If you are saving 10% of your income and you have six month's worth of essential expenses set aside, you should tell your husband to stop worrying so much.  If you're behind on either of these scores, it's time to come up with a system that satisfies his need for safety and your need to have a good time.  Life has to be about joy and pleasure.  But it also has to be about responsibility and protection.  Look over what you have been spending, and on what.  Talk about what your needs are, and what he wants.  Negotiate the things you will spend money on and the things you'll cut back on to make sure you're saving enough and have a emergency fund.  If this is as huge a problem as you indicate, you need to start talking about it.  Perhaps you'll decide to use an "allowance" system where you each get a specific amount you agree upon that you can blow any way you want, no questions asked.  It may be $100 a month, or an amount that is more or less depending on your financial situation.  Then you'll have some money you can use to have a great time and he will know there's a limit on your "frivolous" spending.

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