have books, will hug

My mind is a bit of a jumble and I've been working a lot lately–which is really strange, because for the first time in two months, I have time to think.  And work! And write!  and do things!

Which has actually kind of been working out.  Working and doing things.  Working a lot allows me to focus because where I work, I'm alone all night long in a small room and it kind of leaves you alone with your thoughts.  Or Grey's Anatomy, as the case may be.  I just have been so busy since January 1st, I feel like I haven't been myself.  I haven't had the chance to write, which actually does mean that I haven't been myself.

But cool things have been happening while I've been maintaining radio silence.  Very cool things!  First off, i got to meet my editors in New York, and I got to see the Bloomsbury/Walker office and I managed to somehow–somehow!–convince them I was (am?) a professional writer.  I felt so nervous going into it like it was the biggest interview of my life and as soon as I met them and saw the office and met everyone who is excited about this book it kind of hit me:

this is happening.

did you know that?  I'm getting a book published.  it will have a cover.  it will have pages.  and it already has people.  like this hapless little child it already has people in the world that love it.  people in the world that desperately want it to succeed.  it's become woven into the fabric of something greater than my macbook, than my imagination.

it's real.  this dream, this crazy, far off pipe dream that I've had so long is happening.

when i was a kid, i remember reading and hugging books.  like after I finished them, i'd press them to my chest like i could absorb them.  because i felt this half a second of emotion, of connection, and it was like a whip of lightning reaching out and connecting me to something else.  sometimes i felt like it was the author, but most times i felt like somehow, through this unlikely mirror, I had made a connection to an undiscovered part of myself.  I thought that was the greatest talent, to be that mirror.  to forge that connection.

i have that chance now.  and now i understand it so much more deeply, because each story is a chance for me to uncover that new internal connection, but also to give someone else a chance to go through that journey.  maybe my books won't be earthshattering, or best sellers, or even all that important–but they might give one lonely little kid that feeling that they aren't alone, and give them that mirror to look inside themselves and see something incredible, unexpected, even if it is fleeting.

maybe some kid will hug my book.

then again, maybe not–but a girl can dream.