Guest Blog: Part the First by OISIN*

 

"Guest" – hmmm; not so sure about that. I feel as I imagine Salman Rushdie must have felt while in hiding, or possibly as someone would have felt staying in a British Guest House in the 1950′s.**

I peer nervously through the curtains to see if there are swathes of curiously (but exquisitely) knitted Cthulus advancing across the lawn. Incidentally, I am VERY disappointed by the Goddess' actual description of Cthulu*** – I had it (him/her?) down as being rather like the BBC children's characters of the 1960′s, "The Clangers" (Google them, they're worth it) who were blue knitted aardvark-like creatures who lived in the moon eating blue-string pudding and "speaking" via Swanee-whistle like noises. What really eats into my sleep, though,  is the prospect of armies of Nebraskan bagpipers (all marching furiously to escape the noise). Come to think of it – a cruel experience – just one piper would be enough, and they wouldn't probably even have to leave their State boundary … #

Never have I been so glad to realise that, far from being two countries separated by a common language, there is also the small matter of several squillion tons of seawater (and a shark called Clive) between us. Curiously, this Vendetta has also made me aware of some INvulnerabilities and misapprehensions about me:

Misapprehension No 1: I like PDQ Bach – I often play his Notebook for Betty-Sue Bach## – it's soothing.

Misapprehension No 2: I won't have a resolved chord in the house at any price. ###  The last time I had one I was infested with squirrels and the cat was sick.   (Not MY cat, as I haven't got one, but it was next-door's, and it was sick on MY grass.)

Misapprehension No 3: I am of a very curious nature, especially when challenged to listen to someone with "the singing ability of decaying brie" That I must hear!! Presumably a smoother creamier tone than a lump of bright red Edam, and without the forgettable elevator music quality of processed mousetrap …

Slightly more potent in terms of ego damage was the assertion that I am "marvellous in an understated sort of way". Understated by WHOM, exactly? Ask The Goddess if I'm understated – she'd better not agree. +

Much more to my taste was "Grand Masterful Wonderful and Most Splendid Oisin". No more than my due, mind, but very nicely put – thank you!

Thanks are also very much due to those who worked so hard on the pomes – poetry is, well, poetic, and usually DBM (Dead Blooming Meaningful) to boot. There were some splendid offerings. I have asked Robin if she will reward these creative souls – probably not with a poster, but maybe with something like refraining from blighting their lives in some indeterminate way, at least for a few minutes.++ I was also very impressed by the Greek Goddess who had obviously just stepped off the catwalk for the blog picture; I don't have a mental picture of my Grecians being quite so elegant, as they're usually too busy turning someone into a tree.

So, my people – well, Robin's people, really (borrowed finery and all that) – this all started with a discussion about a Guest Blog from a 'Umble Piano Teacher, but there seem to be two problems. One, as you will have gathered by now, I Ain't 'Umble,+++ and two, you seem to want a variety of things from me (apart from seeing my Life Ruined and My Home Invaded). The Teacher-thing  I will do, of course, but there is also the Accompanying-thing,†  and the Organ-thing (yes, they are indeed WONDERFUL creatures – just imagine being able to control an instrument some sixty feet wide, sixty feet high and twenty feet deep and use it to frighten passing krakens!)†† There is also the Amateur Theatre thing, including My Life and Times with a Noctopus and also with choirs (similar to octopi, but harder to handle). Most of all, there is the Big Encouragement Thing, which is what most of this is about, and will feature remorselessly in anything I am allowed to write.

So – where to start, where to start?††† Obvious question deserves obvious answer: with a stiff drink and an open fire (for those of you in such climatic wastelands as California, it's c-c-c-coooold here)……

 á bientôt… (French, for: á bientôt)

* * *

* YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY^

^ Etc–ed

** I knew there was a reason I stayed in America (and Japan) till the mid-sixties.

*** Piano teachers are necessarily made of strong stuff.

# No, you're hearing the one who plays pibroch at the corner of Clavering and Fullfrellinghollow in Mauncester.   Most people prefer Cthulhu.

## True.  The sheet music lives on his music stand.  One might almost opine . . . significantly.

### He's forced to say this while he still chooses (for obscure reasons) to encourage my composing.^

^ I daresay I'm fun to watch.

+ No!  Oh, no no no no no no!^

^ Is every 'no' worth another guest blog?  NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

++ But . . . but . . . I'm a HELLgoddess

+++ Smurgle.  Rmmmph.  GRRRRBLGGGRGGGG.

† Whimper.

††  See?  Cthulhu doesn't stand a chance.  And I wouldn't risk a bagpiper I was fond of.

††† He hasn't even STARTED yet.  MORE GUEST POSTS!  YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!^

^ Is there an echo in here?