Kamran Akmal is winning

You may not believe this, but between innings I managed to fly to Sri Lanka, convince that security at the ground that I only speak English, walk out on the ground, get several key reporters to give me a press pass and interview Kamran Akmal as he came off.

Kamran, it's Jrod from cricket with balls, can we have a quick chat?

We need him and we need his wisdom and his bitchin'-ness.

Cool, how do you feel about missing those three chances?

If you think about it, dude, it's like I'm 0 for 3 with catches, with never an excuse, but like in cricket, the scoreboard doesn't lie, never has. So what we all have is a catchof the heart. To sully or contaminate or radically disrespect this fielding with a shameful catch is something that I will leave to the amateurs and the Bible grippers.

Good point. What do you say to those who think you should be dropped?

I am on a drug, it's called Kamran Akmal!

Some people are going to accuse you of match fixing out there.

I'm so tired of pretending like my life isn't perfect and bitchin' and just winning every second and I'm not perfect and bitchin' and just deliverying the goods at every frickin' turn, because, look what I'm dealing with' man. I'm dealing with fools and trolls, dealing with soft targets and it's just, you know it's just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee because I don't have time for these clowns.

OK, but some people are going to accuse you of performing badly for cash?

I have one speed, one gear. I'm different. I have a different constitution, I have a different brain, I have a different heart. I got tiger blood, man. Dying's for fools, dying's for amateurs.

Nice Imran Khan reference, but are you saying you took money?

I don't buy it. I don't agree with it, I don't trust it, I don't care about it, I don't ever want to hear those words put together again. What it was isn't what you thought it is because it is what it is, because you claim so, because you confirm it, because you insist that it is what it is and therefore it ain't what it ain't. It ain't what it ain't, which is gold and winning and magic, because that's how I roll. It is what it is, and your stupid, boring contaminated world because you allowed it.

Are you shit or a cheat?

I'm burning my own face but I can't feel the fucken heat because I don't feel fucken pain because pain is a fucken myth.

Thanks for nothing you shitty keeping fucktard.

What's not to love? It's MY life. Winning!

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