The ProcrastiSisters

by Harley, Hank & Heather

Last week I, Harley, found a postcard in my mailbox from my neighborhood homeowner's association saying, "you must take down your Christmas lights immediately."

For Pete's sake, it's only March. And it's not like I plug them in. But anyhow, as I dragged the ladder out to the front lawn, I got to thinking about procrastination, how life provides us with endless opportunities to practice this art. My fellow H. sisters agreed.

Q: How do you procrastinate around the house?

Harley: I hate cleaning the fish tanks. Can't they develop a species capable of cleaning their own tanks? We could call them Hazelfish.

 Heather: You name it. I procrastinate on everything. Right now, I'm looking at our Christmas tree.

Hank:  Emptying the dishwasher. Why is that such a pain? Sometimes I just put more stuff in and wash it all again. And broken appliances will fix themselves if you just wait long enough. (And Heather, Harley, soon it will be Christmas again, so you are just early.)

Q: How about personal beautification?

Hank:  Oh, dear. As a TV reporter, I'm more likely to overdo in this area than underdo. (More likely to "put on" than "put off.")

Heather: Skin care products. Was that cream supposed to erase dark circles beneath the eyes, or was that the stuff Bryee bought for pedicures?

Harley: Haircuts. I'm with Tarzan. Why bother? It just grows back.

Q: Medical?

Heather: Everything. Five kids meant a zillion visits to dentists, doctors . . . too tired to go back for myself. And as to dentists . . . well, there was an evil dentist in Little Shop of Horrors for a reason.

Hank:  Ah, the dentist. I had a dentist when I was a little kid, Dr. Roach, really, that was his name. And it was just—awful. I learned, later in life, that the nerves in my mouth are not exactly in the normal places, so Novocain doesn't work they way a dentist would expect. I almost burst into tears thinking about this. Anyway, as a result, my stomach still gets all twisty when I have to go to the dentist. Even though my dentists now are lovely.

Harley: Teeth cleaning. Loathe it. Root canals, no problem. Teeth cleaning, I need general anesthesia

Q: Social?

Hank: I HATE to talk on the phone. I just don't answer the phone.                    When it rings, I growl. SO, sorry, sorry, sorry, I just don't want to talk to you. Returning calls, bad. I think it just—takes too long? So I just—out it off.

Harley: I was going to say thank you notes, but now I'm stealing Hank's. Let's make a pact never to call each other.

Heather: Any kind of communication that must be carried out by mail. I am afraid of the post office.

 Q: Business?

Heather: Once again, horrible. I try to keep things in a box. Then I forget where I put the box. 

Hank: Tax records. I keep every single little receipt, and I am careful careful careful. But filing-wise, I just stuff them all in a bag. Then, come April, it's AWFUL. Why do I keep doing it that way? I know I should make a new plan . . . but it just seems complicated.

Harley: Facebook. Twitter. All of it. It makes me feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown.

Family?

Hank: Oh, gosh, it's embarrassing.  My family is lovely, hilarious, quirky, spread out over the country. My mother and I chat from time to time, and my dad. But—we're not the best communicators. Sigh.  Going to call Mom right now.

Harley: I'm in charge of the next family reunion, to scout out a place, send e-mails, book the lodge/resort/prison, organize meals for 60-100 Kozaks. I've had the assignment for a year. What have I accomplished? Nothing. 

Literary?

Harley: I feel I must read Jonathan Frantzen and I just haven't. 

Hank: Here's my secret. If you BUY the book, the book will osmose into your brain and you don't have to read it. (I'm still waiting for Water for Elephants to sink in on its own. But Lee Child? Oh yeah, read those.)

Heather: I read everything with each child as they went through school. I don't want to read more books about generations of horrible people with the same names doing the same horrible things to their offspring. I've learned what great literary fiction to avoid.

Cultural?

Heather: The Wire. I've only seen one episode, and I know I'd really like it, but I haven't had the chance to catch up on the seasons. I've gotten caught up in Shameless.

Harley: I've never seen Mad Men. But I have it on DVD.

Hank: I've never seen Buffy. Does that count? [yes.] Or Two and A Half Men. But we're symphony season ticket holders. And we rush home afterward to watch American Idol. We go to lots of plays—love that. But I'm afraid I've just let everything go in service of writing my next book. Poor Jonathan. Is that procrastination? Or prioritizing? Yes, prioritizing.

Harley: Thank you. Yes. Prioritizing. I'll tell that to the Homeowner's Association. I'm sure they'll thank me for enlightening them.