We’re Having a Party

Rochester, My Way My BFF-To-Be: Michelle Obama

We’re Having a Party

Click to enlarge and see all the details…like my name, and the fact that the party time goes til 3 AM

When my 40th birthday was approaching, I knew exactly how I wanted to celebrate: a dance party at my house, where I would be in complete control. Obviously I orchestrated the five hour playlist ahead of time, taking weeks to refine it. But I also wanted control of every other element of the party, so – with input of my friends who went on to found Rosecrest Special Events – I chose the menu, the decorations, the lighting, the invitations, the big baskets of hats and sunglasses that we busted out at 11 pm to make the party energy crank even higher. I didn’t want to leave anything to chance that might derail my perfect vision of dancing the night away with 40 of my dearest friends.

What a difference a decade makes. This month I turn 50 and there’s also a dance party involved. But if the last ten years have taught me anything, it’s the benefit of peeling your fingers back from the control panel.

Nothing provides a greater sense of your inability to dictate outcomes than the act of parenting two teenagers. It doesn’t matter how much love we feel for one another: as the parent of a teen, there are painful and turbulent moments that sit you right down in your tracks and remind you have no idea what you’re doing, and your kids know it.

And yet, for all the mistakes I’ve made, all the times I couldn’t control what happened, my kids are great. I wouldn’t change a hair on their heads.

Similarly, when I bellowed, “I’m a WRITER!!” at my 40th birthday, having downed a few of the signature birthday cocktails I insisted be served, I hadn’t yet experienced the abyss between SAYING you’ve made a midlife career switch to become a writer and making a living as one. Not one step on my ten year journey into writing has gone as I thought it would. Sometimes it went way better than I’d hoped, but often it went way worse. I have had frequent cause to think of this Dorothy Parker quote: “If you have any young friends who aspire to become writers, the second greatest favor you can do them is to present them with copies of The Elements of Style. The first greatest, of course, is to shoot them now, while they’re happy.”

Still, the closer I get to the century divide, the more I think this whole decade was meant to tell me trust and let go, and make room for the unanticipated. I drove the kids down the hill to try a ballet class with a friend, and now it’s the central passion of their day. After years of ambivalence, we got a dog who became the canine love of my life. I started a blog that has put me in touch with a group of writers and readers to whom I talk almost every day for mutual support, music hints, and daily hysterical laughter. I won an essay contest that sent us to the freakin’ Grammys, yo. The less I try to predict the outcomes, and just focus on the effort instead, the better things seem to turn out.

So when my beloved Cat Club crew reached out a few months ago and said, “Don’t you have a big birthday in April? Do you want us to host a party for you?” I didn’t worry about the lighting or the invitations or the playlist. I just said yes please and thank you. All I have to do for this party is show up and trust everyone else to do the same.

If you’re in the Bay Area, I hope you’ll come join us this Saturday, April 9 at 9 pm to celebrate as I turn 50. Bring your friends – everyone is welcome! Here’s a link to the FB invite if that makes it easier to share with your posse.