Ask Allan: Practical advice in trying times

Here's an interesting one that just arrived.

Bill and his wife (both professionals in their 40s) had been invited to a party by a friend, who particularly insisted they come. When they got there they found no one they knew, and no one wanted to talk with them for more than a few moments - - groups of long-term friends quickly gathered to chat, excluding Bill and his wife. They tried to make contact with others in the room, and were politely dismissed. The host and hostess were busy talking with others.  What should he have done, he asks?

Well — I'm assuming here that Bill and his wife were reasonably acceptable human beings, since they'd been specifically invited.  Bill says that he made efforts to talk with others, but was not successful. He was left wondering why everyone preferred to talk amongst themselves rather than include himself and his wife.

As for what to do - there are several possible routes Bill could have gone down.  He could have chosen to get outrageously drunk, for example, but that probably wouldn't have got him the sort of attention he needed. The point is, that it is the host's job to make people welcome, and this applies even if the guest is difficult, deaf, or ornery. This did not happen. The only possible action left to Bill and his wife was to slip away as soon as possible, causing minimal fuss.  They could always make excuses later.

Better yet - slip away early and have a nice dinner somewhere, to shake off that bad energy.

This may look like running away, so I'd defend it as reasonable and constructive as follows.  If Bill had stayed put, feeling more and more uncomfortable, he'd have become visible, at some point, to everyone in the room, and this would have made everyone else uncomfortable.  Sooner or later the Party Bore (there's always one) would have wandered over, and this would have made Bill feel even less like he was having a good time. He'd have wasted time, been bored to death, and looked like a social flop. This is a losing proposition. Leaving was by far the best option.

If we take this one step further we can think of this in terms of archetypes.  Abandoned in his corner of the room, Bill felt like a misfit, like an ORPHAN.  When this sort of thing happens it's always worth remembering that if we feel as if we're Orphans, then it's probably because we're surrounded by other Orphans. The difference was that those other Orphans had managed to get 'adopted' by their own groups (to which they were not allowing any admittance; just like junior high school cliques). So, what Bill was witnessing was a social situation in which almost everyone was trying to 'fit in' - they were so anxious and intent on this that they had no time, no generosity of spirit, for others.

By walking away Bill and his wife preserved their sense of personal authenticity, even in a difficult situation. At the end of the day, we can't do much about what other people think or choose to do.  We can only look out for ourselves and treat ourselves properly.

It's a good idea, always, to check how you feel at an event, and then work out where that feeling is coming from.  It may not be your problem or your anxiety that you're feeling. It may be someone else's.