Normandie Alleman's Blog

Welcome to Part Two of my interview with psychologist Dr. Charley Ferrer. If you missed Part One last week you can find it here.

Normandie: Some people report being overly interested in some aspect of BDSM (Bondage or spanking for example) from an early age. What do we know about the role or nature vs. nurture when it comes to how we identify certain sexual preferences? Is it like sexual orientation in that we are hard-wired for it, or is it something that we learn?

Dr. Charley: I do not believe people are “overly” interested in a specific aspect of BDSM from an early age, I believe they’re merely connecting with their sensual and sexual desires as well as their core dynamic of being dominant or submissive though they do not have the “sensual” awareness nor emotional/psychological awareness of what it all means.

Let me give you an example: we start our life in bondage—“swaddling clothes” are placed on a baby when they’re born giving the infant the same feeling of protection and safety he or she experienced in the womb—a tight bound feeling. We receive spankings as a form of punishment as a child, and make a connection with a “loving” parent figure who’s merely looking out for our growth and well-being.

Nature or nurture can be seen in all aspects of our psyche as it can be in BDSM. As a sexologist I see it from one perspective, as a psychotherapist I can see it from another, as a woman, mother, lover, etc each has their own—both positive and negative. For instance, some psychologist and sociologist will say, “that person is a masochist because they were beaten as a child”. The same can be said of a sadist. However, if they addressed it from a sexological perspective they’d ask a more significant question, “Does the individual like pain because of the endorphins flowing through their body, the connect of acceptance and affection they feel from the person administering the stimulus, or are they doing it to feel stronger and more in control, feel they’ve accomplished a feat other’s couldn’t (like with athletes and the “no-pain no-gain” mentality).”

And what is commonly stated after a child receives a spanking or a harsh verbal reprimand?

“I’m doing this for your own good.”

“I’m doing this because I want you to be better and expect more from you.”

“I’m doing this because I love you.”

And in those declarations, the individual sometimes finds comfort, acceptance, encouragement and the will to do better—be more.

Thus, here is your “nurture” without labeling it positive or negative as in actuality, it is a little of both. And before you jump on the bandwagon of those who believe the only reason someone is into D/s is because they’ve experienced abuse or trauma in their past, consider the men and women whom have never experienced a spanking in their life and who’s partners didn’t use harsh words to hurt or crush their ego. Those individuals who desire the belt; who want the confinement of control; for these it would be nature that drives them.

Regardless of how they came by their desires, our desires are all normal aspects of ourselves and our true human nature. It is healthy when we share it consensually with others. It is unhealthy and pathological when we force or coerce others to accept our demands for dominance or submission.

Where I think people need help from a therapist—a kink friendly and KNOWLEDGEABLE therapist, is when their core desires battle with their religious or cultural needs and they need a little help in finding a healthy balance between the two. I provide counseling and Mentorships for individuals who seek to come to terms with their true nature; because without doing so, their life will feel out of control and they will experience negative issues in their, including mental illness.as they struggle with their core beliefs and what others demand of them. This dichotomy and internal struggle is what creates pathology, depression, self-destructive behavior, hatred and intolerance of self and others.

I want to make a point about therapists and psychologists. There are many that claim they are “kink friendly”, however, they may later try to help you “overcome” your BDSM desires to “make you better and help you overcome the problems these inappropriate feelings cause”. These are not kink-friendly therapist. They are judgmental jerks who are using therapy as their moral platform and should be ashamed of themselves and NOT treat kinky people or get better educated. When seeking counseling, ensure to find a “Kink Knowledgeable & Accepting” therapist who KNOWS what dominance and submissive really is and can truly help you make peace with your desires without judgment. There are a few of us out there.

Normandie: If you could give some advice to someone who is just starting to explore BDSM what would it be?

Dr. Charley: I would recommend you read non-fiction books such as my book, BDSM The Naked Truth which provides you with the foundation you’ll need to get started in the D/s lifestyle as well as some advanced education. There’s also a list of reference books and resources to help you. Join a D/s organization in your area and attend Munches. Avoid online kink chatrooms as 90% of those participants wouldn’t know a flogger if it spanked them in the ass. And don’t be afraid to explore and ask for help. So many emotions will crop up and overwhelm you. (no pun intended) It’s great to have a Mentor (not lover) that can help guide you and help you make sense of things, allowing you to grow and blossom into the sensual human being you were always meant to be.

Join us at BDSM Writers Con, now annually in Everett Washington and New York City where you’ll discover the various aspects of dominance and submission in a safe no-pressure environment with other readers and authors who are just as curious. We provide over 30-hours of workshops and live demonstrations taught by experienced BDSM Experts. We also hold a Dungeon night and several Mix & Mingles to have you hang out and have fun with your favorite or soon-to-be-favorite authors.

And if you’re more interested in personal private instruction or which to learn in a group setting, I host in-depth BDSM Mentorship programs and weekly Live Chat groups on BDSM. Plus, you can always take one of my eCourses in the privacy of your own home or laptop.

Thanks Dr. Charley for sharing your thoughts about BDSM with us! We hope you’ll come back again soon.

About Dr. Charley

Dr. Charley Ferrer is a world-renowned Clinical Sexologist & Sex Therapist. She has been researching, exploring, and enjoying BDSM for over twenty years. She provides private D/s Mentorships for individuals and couples interested in discovering BDSM and claiming their full sensual identity and divinity. Dr. Charley is the host of BDSM Writers Con the only conference dedicated to authors and readers of dominance and submission. She hosts retreats throughout the US and overseas for women and couples. Visit her website at: www.DoctorCharley.com or www.BDSMWritersCon.com or contact her at DoctorCharley@DoctorCharley.com for further information on her retreats and Mentorship programs.