The Insecure Writer
This is an interesting subject for me. As someone who has been published several times now, it might sound crazy that I still get insecure.
So insecure in fact that I consider not even editing my books. I think about how “crappy” it is. I think about how I’m wasting my time working on something that no one will read.
The thoughts are not intentional. They creap in when I think about my current project. they’re in the back of my head, telling me to stop, telling me to give up.
This time, with Cinder Unit, is no exception. The thoughts are there, just like they have been with every single other thing that I have written.
This has led to drawers filled with unfinished fiction, files upon files in my hard-drive, forever abandoned.
Think about the reality of this. All of these stories that I have put hundreds of hours into, stories that have inspired me and filled me with passion, left abandoned.
Right now, with this book that I have spent most of the year working so hard on, why is it happening again?
I’ve heard it before from other writers, passing remarks about never finishing projects. If its such a common occurance amongst us, maybe there is a universal reason behind this?
Self sabotage?
Now, this sounds textbook. But when I am honest with myself, I do believe this to be at least a little bit true. What else could be the reason that now that the first draft is done I am losing faith in my work? I look at this pile of pages of a book that I love. One that I obsessed over and fought for and struggled with and instead of seeing all of that, I think, “No one is going to like this”. Does that make sense for a popular genre with a strong female heroin and an exciting adventure set in a steampunk-esque world? I would love to read that If I saw it! So why wouldn’t anyone else?
What else could be the reason that now that the first draft is done I am losing faith in my work? I look at this pile of pages of a book that I love. One that I obsessed over and fought for and struggled with and instead of seeing all of that, I think, “No one is going to like this”. Does that make sense for a popular genre with a strong female heroin and an exciting adventure set in a steampunk-esque world? I would love to read that If I saw it! So why wouldn’t anyone else?
Fear of success?
Maybe. If this book does very well, will I be happy? Um… yes! And then my whole life would change. I would be achieving my dreams and moving into the next stage of my life. I could quit my job and be a full time writer. Its such a big step. Am I ready for that?
And then, what if none of that happens? What if this book does terribly?
Fear of bad reviews?
Absoutely! Who wants a bad review? When you’ve poured your soul into a book and then to have someone tear it apart..? Ugh! Nightmare!
Not to mention the reason I write. I do it to nourish my own soul and keep myself happy, yes, but the whole reason that I ever started writing was to share. To share my worlds and give others an escape and happiness the way that my favourite writers have always done for me. To write and have it hated. That would be heart breaking.
Fear in general?
I guess now there is no denying it. When I look at what I’ve accomplished. I get worried that it’s not enough. It’s not good enough. It didn’t hit the marks that I wanted it to. It is missing everything that could make it better.
But..
Love for what you do drives you and you can’t stop being who you are. I am a writer. I was truly blessed to have this passion and drive for the written word. And I have been equally blessed with my bravery.
No matter how hard it is, I will always be here writing and putting my work out into the world in one way or another.
What do you think? Are there other common fears that I have missed? Do you also experience insecurity with your work?
