How to Talk with Kids About Terror
How to Talk with Kids about Terror Attacks
We all wonder how to talk with our kids when upsetting things happen in the news – today’s attacks in Belgium provide only the most current horrifying event.
It can feel daunting, trying to find the right balance between protecting the innocence of children we love – and preparing them to cope in the world. It’s not just about scaffolding them as they grow up to become resilient adults, but how to help them handle what they hear in school tomorrow, where the snippets of scary-sounding information exist outside of any context.
I remember struggling with how to discuss terror I didn’t understand as a New York mom after the attacks of September 11, 2001, when my own two sons were tiny. My first-grader was at school that morning; I ended up throwing on sneakers and sprinting across Central Park to pick him up, along with a friend whose mom was struggling to make her way up from the devastation downtown. What to tell them about what was happening in their city?
My instinct was similar to what experts in Paris suggested last year, after the attacks there: be brief, be honest, be respectful of what your child really wants to know.
Here’s a good piece on that:
http://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/17/opinion/is-it-normal-to-have-two-terrorist-attacks.html?_r=0
Depending on the age of your child, you might want to share a sentence about what has just happened. For a very young child, that could mean just saying today: Some bad news happened far away, in Europe, that I am reading about, because what happens in the world matters to us. For a slightly older child, you might say, There was a terrorist attack today in Belgium… and then wait for their questions.
Often the questions that kids ask first fall into two categories, both of which are tough for parents:
Are we safe?
It’s hard to feel like you can answer this honestly when you feel scared yourself. But the truth is, terrorist attacks, while terrifying, are also very rare. You are extremely unlikely to be the victim of a terrorist attack. It’s good to reassure yourself and your child that while it’s important to be careful (be aware of our surroundings, buckle up, look both ways before crossing the street, keep guns away, and be kind to others including those who are different from ourselves) – we are okay. Our hearts have room to feel sad for others without making it about ourselves.
But here as always, let your child lead. Ask questions. Don’t just rush to reassure. Ask: Are you feeling worried about that? What is feeling scary to you? What could we do to show our support to the people affected? (Empowering children as helpers makes them feel less helpless.) What makes you feel strong and brave?
Another important fact to reinforce is a bit of wisdom from Mr. Rogers: Look for the helpers.
http://www.fredrogers.org/parents/special-challenges/tragic-events.php
As I told my 6-year-old that September afternoon so many years ago: there were some bad guys who did a terrible thing – maybe a dozen bad guys, maybe even a few dozen bad guys (he had just learned about the concept of dozens). But there were thousands of helpers, running to save people: police officers, fire fighters, ordinary citizens helping in any way we could. And there were hundreds of thousands who were angry, hurt, and united against behavior like this, all across our city, determined to keep us all safe and restore our city. And there were millions more across the world who were saying THIS IS NOT OKAY, sending love and help, support and hope. A few bad guys. Millions and millions of good guys. It’s true. And it helps us all to remember that.
Why did this happen?
How to answer such a profound and complex question?
Simply. As simply as you can.
And at best, turn it back. Seek out your child’s wisdom. Be honest: That is such a big question. I don’t really know. What are your thoughts? Why do people sometimes behave terribly? Why do people sometimes try to hurt other people? You may hear some interesting things about what goes on in your child’s classroom! You may also hear some poetic and moving thoughts about psychology and ethics from your little one.
It can help to write down thoughts together, or make a picture, or even to talk about those who keep us safe and how we can thank them. A plate of cookies for the local fire station; a drawing for a teacher, librarian, or administrator who makes school a safe place; a lemonade stand to raise funds for a meaningful charity – all can help a child feel able to put some good out into the world and shift the narrative from terror to empowerment.
(And do write down your child’s thoughts. It alleviates anxiety to put inchoate feelings into concrete words. But also, it’ll be very sweet to have a record of your little one’s precocious wisdom. Trust me. Laminate that page. Take a photo of your kid holding it proudly.)
Try to keep the TV news shut off when your kids are home and awake. Images can sear themselves into even adult minds, and kids don’t have the experience to put the pictures into perspective. In 2001, many children believed that hundreds of planes kept flying into thousands of buildings all week, not realizing that news footage can be played on a repeating loop.
Most importantly: as always, stay present with your child. There isn’t one right thing to say, and there are really no strict age guidelines for when to say what. When you do give information and reassurance, be honest and be brief. Listen more. Ask more. Make eye contact. Tell less. Hug more.
It is terribly difficult to accept that our kids won’t always feel jolly and happy and safe. But we wouldn’t really want them to grow up to be imbecilic self-satisfied oblivious jerks – so they need to learn to cope with some of the sad, scared, angry, confused feelings, too. It’s hard. Take a deep breath. You can do it.
Communicate — as always — respect for your child’s ideas and concerns, joined together with kindness, courage, confidence, and love.
Love and all my best to you and yours,
Rachel Vail
