A few #jokes for you (AE&D)

Little Johnny and his family were sat around the table. When dinner was served, Little Johnny immediately started eating.

"Johnny, you have to say your prayers first," his Mother scolded.

"No, I don't," replied Little Johnny.

"Yes, you do," said his Mother. "We always say prayers before eating at our house."

"I know," replied Little Johnny. "But this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook."

***~~~***

An old man and his friend were out for a walk in the countryside.

"Look at that group of cows," said the old man.

"Herd," said his friend.

"Heard what?" asked the old man.

"Herd of cows," replied his friend.

"Of course I've heard of cows," the old man replied irritably.

"I mean, the cows are in a herd" his friend explained patiently.

"What do I care what the cows heard?" snapped the old man.

At this point, his friend gave up.

***~~~***

A man had been contemplating the world’s population.

"It’s amazing," he told his friend. "Every time I breathe in and out someone dies."

"Have you tried mouthwash?" asked his friend.

***~~~***

“Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home,” said the patient.

“That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome,” replied the doctor.

“Is it common? ” the patient asked.

“It’s not unusual,” the doctor said.

***~~~***

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, that’s a hardware problem.

***~~~***

The three stages of life:

Youth: plenty of time and energy, but no money.
Adulthood: plenty of energy and money, but no time.
Old age: plenty of time and money, but no energy.