Here’s the Walmart in Idaho Falls. Perhaps the only...

Here’s the Walmart in Idaho Falls.

Perhaps the only pictures I take will be of Walmarts. The name of my travelogue can be “Walmarts of the American West”.

Seriously, tho. You can crash for free in a Walmart parking lot, and even I can afford free. What’s more, it’s good business sense. Never in my life have I shopped at Walmart so much.

A few towns after this, the dogs and I spent an hour on the pristine, park-like grounds of Area Dentistry. When I saw the sign, I just had to stop.

“Area Dentistry?” I thought. “What robot named this business?”

Only two of us shat (which I cleaned up). Me, I held mine in. As a human, I have fewer rights than a dog. I am not allowed to lick my own penis or shit in public, for example.

Hell, if I could lick my own penis I’d probably never leave the house—-unless I had to shit, of course.

So I put the dogs in the truck and went into Area Dentistry looking for a john.

“Can I help you?” the receptionist asked.

“Thanks,” I said. “I can handle it.”

“Sir?”

“I just need to use the rest room.”

“Our rest rooms are for clients only.”

As she said that, I spotted the Men’s room and went in. Sitting on the toilet texting, I imagined some burly Area Dentistry security guard coming in and yanking me off. I imagined him throwing me out the door, my pants still around my ankles, my ass still dreadfully unwiped.

“Rest rooms are for clients only, goddamn it!”

Sadly, nothing like that happened. As I was leaving, I paused before the receptionist and thanked her, but she just ignored me.

Some people, huh?