so distorted and thin
I have a really great life. I don’t struggle to pay my bills, I get to do what I love for my job, I have an amazing wife who is my best friend and my partner in many crimes. I have a wonderful house, I am surrounded by people I love who love me. I’m successful in much of my work, and some days it feels like the best stuff in my professional life is yet to come.
And yet.
The thing about Depression, for me, is that it can take something that was already unlikely, like not getting an audition for the Ready Player One movie, and using that to negate and erase all the other good and awesome things in my life. The thing about my Depression is that it can take something that I love that I’m doing really well, like rebooting my life and taking extremely good care of myself — the best I have in years — and make me feel like I don’t deserve to feel this good. The thing about my Depression is that it can make me feel like whatever it is I want to do, whatever it is that I want to start, whatever it is that I want to finish, just isn’t worth it, because it’s going to suck and nobody will like it, or it’ll be great but nobody will care.
Depression is a dick, and Depression lies, and even though I know all of that with the rational and reasonable part of my brain, the Depression part of my brain has been really loud and persistent and just relentless for a couple of weeks, now. It’s Friday, and when I look back on this week, I can see all the important and good stuff that I’ve done, I can see the small but meaningful steps I’ve taken toward completing things that are important to me … but those things are all in the shadows that are cast by the giant spotlight Depression is shining on the things I didn’t do.
And the thing is, I could probably come up with good reasons that I didn’t do the things that I wanted to do, and they are probably reasonable reasons, too. But I also know that all week long, Depression was right there on my shoulder like the leprechaun that tells Ralph to burn it all down, and quietly telling me that there’s no point, there’s no reason to do it, it’s not worth my time.
And now it’s Friday, and Depression is telling me that I’m a failure because I didn’t finish the things that Depression helped ensure I didn’t start.
That’s the insidious part of Depression, at least for me, and I know that to a person who doesn’t struggle with mental illness like I do it just sounds like a pity party where all the gifts are excuses.
But here I am. On Friday. No closer to finishing the things I wanted to finish than I was on Monday.
And I’m tired. I’m having a hell of a time falling asleep and staying asleep, and when I do sleep, I have vivid dreams that make me feel like I haven’t slept at all.
These places I visit in my dreams, and the experiences I have when I’m there, are so real, I feel like I’m forced to live this other life when I fall asleep that I have no control over, and it’s not awesome.
I’ve had a splitting headache since I got out of bed two hours later than I wanted to, and I’m tired.
i’m so tired.
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It sucks that you have to go through this, and I hope things will start to get better for you soon. Hold in there, Will.
I can't begin to understand what you must be going through but your honesty and courage in talking about this speaks volumes to your ability in confronting this monster. If nothing else, this blog post may have been the single most important thing you did this week. To put pen to paper will let countless others battle along side you.
This post is how I feel and I hate that those around me just think I'm being mean, ungrateful, or just feeling sorry for myself. Thanks for shining light on the fact it's a hole that you have to struggle to climb out of, not a mood or a choice.
It's a brave thing just to be this bare and honest. Telling you that you're valued and appreciated and loved won't break through that barrier for you, nevertheless, I'm sure many of your family, friends, loved ones, and even us, fans, are going to tell you anyway. Having struggled with depression myself, I can relate to this and I wish there was a quick fix or a pill or a drink or something. But it's a moment by moment struggle and I hope you have some help to climb out of the pit. May you find the strength within to fight back.
Depression needs a good kick in the guts. Hang in there :)
I get it. Thanks for helping me feel not so alone.
I used you as an example the other day telling a friend how even successful and wonderful people such as yourself struggle with depression. You so clearly stated everything that we were talking about. We can recognize the wonderful aspects of our lives but depression doesn't care about those things. Thanks for being so open about your illness because the world needs to recognize the struggle that so many people face daily.
Sheri Springer wrote: "I get it. Thanks for helping me feel not so alone."Exactly what I was going to write! It does help to remember that I'm not an ungrateful old coot, it's my brain chemistry talking.
You would have been brilliant in Ready Player One, especially since you were the narrator of the audiobook. Someone really fu*ked up by not snatching you up, asap!Hope Dick Depression soon shrivels up, and that your smile lights up for those around you on more days than not. Soon. Like, beginning right now.
Here's hoping for something better. It be nice to see you in something you love.
Thank you for speaking so openly about this subject. And you will always be the person who brought Wade Owen Watts to life for me.
Beth wrote: "I can't begin to understand what you must be going through but your honesty and courage in talking about this speaks volumes to your ability in confronting this monster. If nothing else, this blog ..."Beautifully written, Beth.
Wil, you are doing everything right. Sometimes the monster just doesn't know when it's time to bow out, and you have to give him a boot in the butt. You know how to kick this guy's butt too. We're all in your corner, Wil. Go get 'im.
We sound so similar, you and I. I dont have the money, the house, the wife, the things you listed that make you happy, that you're glad you have in your life. I do have family though, I won't say I have nothing but, I've got very little. I cherish those things some times. Other days I wanna blow my brains out. I should be writing, I should be looking for a job, I should be trying more but depression is a dick. It's almost easier to live that happy life and pretend it's all ok but we know it's not.
I can't sleep at night. I'm paranoid for no reason. I know there's nothing in my home but my family and my pets but I hear things: my name, a whisper, the floor squeaking or the sound like something is lightly tapping on my window just above my head but as soon as I notice, it's gone. I have good dreams but mostly bad, some times I can't move and I'm stuck knowing I'm in a dream but it's so real. I try to write down what I can remember. I'm always tired and I set my alarm for 8 am every day but I never get out of bed, it takes another two hours or some times I just lay there until I get the strength to get up and move through the day. And then I'm frustrated and grumpy cause I couldn't sleep and take it out on my family.
When I'm alone I don't have many positive things to say, or think, about myself. Depression reminds me I didn't graduate from college, it reminds me I've been divorced twice by the time I was 25 and it reminds me that I still love my ex wife and it reminds me that no one would care that I was gone except my immediate family, it reminds me I'm in student loan hell, it reminds me that I don't really have any friends, that I don't have a job. It weighs me down.
We're too young for this, although at any age this can't be good. It's not being sad, or feeling sorry for myself, it's depression and depression is a dick.
I spend a lot of time just sitting in silence, zoned out, doing absolutely nothing and even when I'm doing nothing depression can be a dick. Some times I smoke Marijuana and it helps but it's only temporary.
I'm not gonna tell you how brave you are or how I feel for you but I do understand that no matter what we have in life that mental illness is real and it doesn't just go away. Maybe we'll snap out of it, maybe science will find an answer or maybe this is something we deal with for the rest of our lives?
Thank for sharing, your honesty and candor are admirable. Due to a viral infection, I once suffered a bout of depression for a few months. I understand the tiredness and hopelessness. My low point was watching the TV show Cops (bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do when they come for you?…) I saw a young kid taken into custody after getting a beating and I started crying uncontrollably. Wanted to end the tired feeling. If things seem bleak just wait a bit and all will get better, moment by moment. Is it better now?… wait…Is it better now?… wait…Is it better now? Etc… I hope to never feel that way again. Be well.
Although I can never know your struggle, as I am not you, I sometimes take things one day at a time. When that doesn't work, I take things one moment at a time.You will come out glowing through the haze.
Megan
I deal with depression and high anxiety as well. It gets better when I stay away from sugar and gluten. My emotions seem to be more stable.I used to drink a lot of coffee, and at night I would get restless leg syndrome and my lower back would hurt in the morning. I stopped drinking coffee and my back pain disappeared and my legs stopped twitching:) Yippie!
Good blog Mr. Wheaton:)
I assume / hope you are prescribed meds for your depression. Please let your prescriber know about your vivid dreams; they can be a side effect of your meds. There are a lot of meds available to choose from, and sometimes one will bother you, or be ineffective, while another (even within the same class) will work wonders. Also, some folks are more sensitive to the potential side effects than others, so if you take your (supposedly) non-sedating med in the AM, but feel sleepy during the day, try taking it in the evening. Conversely, if you are taking something at nite that interferes with sleep, try taking it in the AM...with your provider's consent.And definately speak with your provider about your sleep issues, as even mild sleep deprivation, can exacerbate your depression and predispose you to headache issues.
Thanks for your posts.
My husband has been fighting this battle for the past 36 years. Some days are good, some are hell. Combine depression with constant foot, hand, and back pain, and each day is a trial. But everyday he gets up to fight the good fight, exercises an hour at the gym, and tries to do something productive. I appreciate that he holds it together for love of me. I love him right back, and want him to keep going, and spend each day with the wife who needs him. Check your meds, and remember the people who need you.
Wil, How about each time you feel depressed you reread the first paragraph you posted above. Just keep reading it.Thinking about yourself too much is just not good. We each know out own flaws best. Work on something else. Help someone else. Think about something else.
We love you even if you do not always love yourself.
God, can i relate to this. With bipolar type 2, when the depression part hits, it is exactly like mentioned above. I wish I were there to give you a hug and just be an ear for you to vent. It will be ok, even if it doesnt feel like it, and you dont have to finish all the projects. Just take your time and do what you can. Your fans love you and your wife, and we support you.
And just to make matters worse, all those people around you that love you and you love will not be able to really help. It will mean so much to you that they try and you will feel like you are failing them bc you can't show them that their efforts to make you feel better are helping so you blame yourself for them not being happy too. One day at a time Wil, it always goes away. May always come back but it always goes away.
Sheri Springer wrote: "I get it. Thanks for helping me feel not so alone."Ditto. One damn thing goes wrong, and the brain just melts into a steaming pile.
If I manage not to meltdown/flip out on people and keep on with reasonable-seeming external behavior, it's a freaking miracle; actually overcoming it so far as to get any little productive thing done should be cause for an I'M THE BOMB touchdown dance... but of course, that's the part of the brain that's broken.
I didn't "like" this because that always seems like you are "liking" someone else's pain. But I did "like" it because I so completely identified with what you said. No one who doesn't suffer from depression gets it. If there was any possible way that you could stop feeling like this, you would. If there was something you could do - like hey, just focus on all the positives! - you WOULD. Nobody wants to feel like this. Logically, we know it will pass... but that doesn't help in the moment either. So... *hugs* ... I know that's not much either, but I will point out that the other really amazing and wonderful thing you did this week was help make me feel less alone - so thanks for that.
Thanks for sharing. It's great to know that there are others (famous others) who suffer from depression like I do. It's encouraging. I feel like, if he's/she's got it, there's hope for me yet. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Stay Strong.
