Taking note of which way the wind is blowing and acting accordingly for an easy life

In today’s Fiver: furiously booting each other in the swingers, Karim Benzema reacts well and bumper letters section in ‘praise’ of Arsenal

Tonight, just after 8.06pm at Old Trafford, someone will hit someone else with a half-arsed reducer, receive a harsh red card, their team will go out of Big Vase as a result, and the other side will subsequently lose 11-0 on aggregate in the quarters to Shakhtar Donetsk. Tottenham Hotspur, meanwhile, require an absurd miracle against Borussia Dortmund, the sort not witnessed at White Hart Lane since a side managed by Kevin Keegan won a cup tie from three goals down with nine men plus Jon Macken up front. So that’s English hopes in Big Vase written off.

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