The Fiver | Fifa: replenishing its own coffers in the brazen style

In today’s Fiver: Pegguy Arphexad’s bongo denial, urine-gate, knacker-knack and Jordan confusion

Later, as he sat on his balcony eating the dog, Gianni Infantino reflected on the unusual events that had taken place within Fifa during the previous 17 years and six months. The headquarters of world football’s governing body, JG Ballard Towers, is a right old mess these days, smashed to smithereens after the total breakdown of all societal structures. Lights are flickering, windows have been shattered, all the foie gras is gone, and there’s a fattened Swiss pig turning on a spit. It’s basting nicely. Very succulent. It’s a dystopian hellhole, though in fairness the worst of the infighting looks over. And now that Infantino has polished off the last puppy rib, it’s time for a good old clear-up. Brooms and bin-bags out, everyone! Clean for football, the Queen and Michael Gove!

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