Review SPAM

In amongst my e-mail for my business account today was this SPAM:

Dear Lynn Viehl,

Thank you for purchasing from [online bookseller] three weeks ago.

You're welcome. Now why are you bothering me? I got everything. I paid for everything, too.

According to our records, you haven't yet reviewed everything you bought.

I haven't read everything -- wait a minute. Reviewed? When did I say I'd review anything?

If you enjoyed a title, won't you please take a moment to write your review? Reviews help other [online bookseller] members make more informed purchase decisions and help authors market their books.

Oh, so now you're asking. Or did you change your terms of service so that I have to write a review when I purchase something? Did Scribd.com buy you guys or something?

To write a review, simply follow the link to the book's page and click "Review Book": [Title of novel I purchased] [link]

I just realized: this is review SPAM. I've never gotten review SPAM. Buy my freakin' book SPAM, sure, but Review my freakin book? And it isn't even the author SPAMming me. I'm not sure how to handle this. Do I send it to the author and say "Tell your stupid bookseller to get off my back?" Do I make fun of it? Well, of course I make fun of it, it's SPAM, but otherwise . . . hmmm.

Reviews are also a great way for you to build your own presence on the site.

Yeah, I want my name to be plastered all over a site that used the PayPal address of their unsuspecting buyers to SPAM them. I'd be a complete fool to pass up this incredible opportunity. Sign me up! Now!

Once you write a review, you will be credited as the author of the review and other [online bookseller site] members will be able to click on your screen name to visit your member page, where they can read your other reviews, as well as any other optional information you care to share such as your photo and bio.

What about pictures of my eye surgery last year, now that I've come clean about it? I have them in all stages, from presurgical infected mess to grossly swollen, stitched, oozing mini horrorshow. Or I could just show off some of my other scars. Want to see the knee? It makes strong men weep. Honestly. My doctor doesn't even like to look at it directly anymore. He uses a cardboard box viewer, you know, like when there's an eclipse of the sun?

And of course if you're an author yourself--

Huh? You mean, you don't know that I'm an author? After I offered you all those pictures? I'm hurt. I'm really hurt.

--and fellow readers find your reviews informative--

No, I'm an author, so of course I only write stupid, obtuse reviews that make readers hurl instantaneously. Still want me?

--then your book reviews serve as a nice indirect way to help other readers discover the books you've written when they click on your screenname to view your other reviews.

Jesus Christ. You people are really Machiavellian. I almost like you for it, bless your evil SPAMmy little hearts.

If you no longer wish to receive these reminders--

Duh.

--please click the following link: [link]

Clicking. Link doesn't work. Why am I not surprised?

Thanks for supporting [online bookseller site] authors!

No, thank you for giving me something funny to post on my weblog.