Rejected

There’s this picture in my head that represents what my life should look like. What’s funny is everything is in place for it to be the way I see it. But some kind of way something happens and it goes blur. I am so use to rejection that I expect it. What’s funny is – I should be immune to it, being that I’ve spent so much time with it. It travels with me like luggage. Like a shirt that I must have or better yet a bra. Growing up I was told that I needed it in order to appreciate the things I have. My question is “How much of it is enough?”

Why is it constantly showing up on my door step threatening to take away anything that makes me feel special? Why is it playing peek-a-boo with my emotions? Why does it always arrive at my destination before acceptance does?

Am I asking for things that are too complicated? Have I not presented myself worthy of my request? Oh I know I’m not perfect, but who is? And even if I was I’ve learned the more I try to do right, the more it appears.

It comes as a flat out no sometimes. Then there’s the excuse version of it…

“You would have been or were, but….”.

“I love you but I can’t be with/ deal with you.”

“So I’m leaving” or “I’m staying but I don’t want to be bothered with you.”

“I forgot to call, text, send you the info…”

And others. Either way you get left out, dismissed, turned down, ignored, etc.

And it hurts!!!

I know God can do anything but fail. I understand that he allows certain things to happen. I get that I am going to help someone else go through what I have experience. I am not complaining. Just hurting. And. Wondering. Why so many closed doors? Why so much distance between my no and yes? Why am I limited to the bare minimal when it comes to an approval?

Just because I’ve learned to deal with it doesn’t mean I want to live with it.

So today, I took it to God, I’ll let you know his answer when he gives it to me.