Do Something Cupid {Chapter 1}

Ayan Pal:

‘Hey! Paul! What’s the status?’ My boss (read Asshole) yelled at me.

‘It’s done. By the way, it’s Pal and not Paul.’ I said.

‘Dude! Get over your Indian sentiments, Pal sucks, Paul is cool and sounds global.’

‘Really? Then for your name which is Randeep, it should be…’ I muttered.

‘I heard that! Your appraisal is in my hands, remember that.’

Whether I say that or not, it won’t affect my ratings anyway till I give this Dick-head a blow job. It’s always two out of five since three years. I had seen worse than that too, three years up still no Onsite and I was still an Associate Software Engineer. So, what was exactly making me to stay back? Security! Somewhat my company was recession proof, people left on their own so no job cut, I was not willing to touch my books to prepare for interviews and most importantly Facebook wasn’t blocked in my office.

I let a long yawn out and stretched myself. Bored of searching weird facts on Wikipedia and reading review of every other movie on IMDB, I logged on Facebook. I had a new friend request, like always I go and check the person’s photos. Unfortunately, the request was from a guy and I was not interested. Next was Vivaah.com, yeah! I’m that idle at office sometimes, who works on Friday? Anyway, there was I, looking through the profiles. I had some seven new requests since morning. I was actually getting a lot of attention on matrimony sites once I just put my package to 2 million a year.

As I went through those names, they were the same who hadn’t accepted me when I had actually put on my real salary. You see, it doesn’t matter how you look or how much you studied? It’s all about how much money you’ve got! Strangely, a guy is nothing more than an ATM machine. Never mind, even I don’t see the matrimony sites more than an Online shopping outlet where every product has a price tag over it. Bigger the bank balance, the hottier chick you get. Anyway, everything was beyond my budget.

I checked my watch, it was already four. My friends from college had called for a get-together cum night out. We had been planning this since long time but then after four years of college, you don’t expect your all friends to be available at the same time; onsites, MBA classes, girlfriends, wives and few even kids. Sadly, I was N.A. to all these categories. Indian company, three times CAT failure, single and staying with parents; I was actually the obnoxious little weed in our otherwise flourished group and I’ve been always the first guy in the group to get an excuse not to attend but this time, I had agreed because I actually needed a break from my super boring life else I would’ve murdered my boss in frustration.

I packed my bag and shut my laptop; I was about to leave…

‘Paul! You’re going somewhere?’ The party spoiler was right in front of me.

‘Yeah!’ I nodded. ‘I got some personal work to do.’

‘So you think, you can just sneak away like that without even informing.’

‘Excuse me! I had applied for a half day leave some two weeks ago.’

‘Two weeks is a long time.’

‘I had mailed you in the morning about it as a reminder.’

‘I agree but then I got this urgent code review task.’

‘Sir! I guess Diya can do it.’

‘She can’t! Actually, she already left for the day. She wasn’t feeling well. I asked her to go home and rest. Poor Girl!’ He whined.

As far as I know she just broke her nail at lunch. Bitch! ‘I had to go sir, it’s really urgent.’

He looked at me like those professors whose practical files you never complete. ‘Ok then! You go. However, I do want the review report to be send before tomorrow morning.’

‘Pardon!’

‘Work from home. I mean once you’re done with your urgent work, it won’t take all night.’ He said with a slick smile. ‘I guess that’s fair enough.’

Fair?? That was cruel and inhuman. My plan was to drink, stare at chicks, drink, curse my life, drink, roll on the floor, drink, vomit, drink, get stoned and not wake up till Sunday afternoon. The first thought that hit my mind was to break my laptop on his head but then I do love my job, at least for that SMS from bank on every month’s last day. So, I smiled at him. Picked my laptop from my cupboard and left.

Anyway, by the time, I reached the meeting point, I had already completed reviewing the code and preparing the report. I seriously feel that I.T. companies should officially introduce ‘Work from Bus’ program considering the traffic conditions in the city.

***

‘I don’t understand why we chose to meet at this stupid Mall.’ I never liked being in Malls. I mean what a late twenties single guy has to do there. Flipkart is all about shopping for us, no smoking on pool table, those outdated video games don’t excite anymore, guys are not into ‘fifty shades of grey’ to visit crossword and lastly, one doesn’t need to go to mall to eat.

‘C’mon this is the biggest mall in the city!’ Rehman said. I was with my group.

‘So?’

‘We will go to Blue Frog once everyone is here.’

‘Whatever. Why mall? Only girls roam here.’ I complained.

‘That’s nice na! Enjoy yourself then.’

‘What has actually made you such a sadistic?’ My friends smirked at me. ‘I guess he has actually passed the age to ogle at the chicks. Either they are too young for you or they are already married.’

‘That’s not funny.’ I twitched my lips.

‘Even we’re serious. Ayan! Get married. You’re the only one remaining in the group who is single.’

‘C’mon guys! Getting married is not like doing some Sikkim Manipal MBA course. It’s a matter of lifetime.’

‘Agreed! But you see, it actually completes you. Look! We are social animals, we need to settle down at some point of time. You simply can’t keep chasing girls all your life. You see life is actually what you have after office hours. You don’t eat burnt chapatis or a quick Maggie for dinner anymore, your cupboard don’t vomit on you when opened, no more shoes in living room, no waiting in D-mart queues for grocery, no Sunny Leone thread lined up on torrent and also you get sex.’ Explained my other friend Rohit.

‘Whoa! Nice analysis. I don’t know about you being social but you’re an animal for sure. Hope your wife gets know what you think of her.’

‘Jokes apart! I agree that marriage brings an added responsibility, sometimes it’s really annoying to watch “yea rishta kya keh lata hai” instead of English Premier league, it becomes very difficult to control credit card bills and have to bath everyday but then when she looks into your eyes and says she loves you, that’s when everything seems worth it.’ Rohit continued with his marriage epic.

‘Uff! Rohit! Will just shut up for some time.’ I snapped at him.

‘It’s ok, Ayan and Rohit! Let’s talk about anything else.’ Rehman interrupted.

‘Yeah! Sure!’ Rohit nodded. ‘But still, I wanna ask, wasn’t there anyone who actually crossed your mind.’

‘One?? There were many!’ I exclaimed and we all laughed at it. That’s a boy thing, you want to change the topic, just mock at it. We will laugh and forget it.

Though there were actually many of them to cross my mind but there was one who actually stayed there ever since, I knew her. We were from the same city. She liked me, I liked her. She told me about it, I told her about it too. We even met on a date and calling it an amazing date would just not be an understatement but a rare euphemism. But the irony is that we didn’t even talk on phone after that night forget about meeting gain. Though I would argue that the spark which took nine months to intensify into a burgeoned fire didn’t just fizzle for an iniquity but was ruthlessly smothered by a presumptuous egoistic mind.

Here’s what happened between us, a tale of misunderstandings.

***

It had been just few days since I debuted in Vivaah.com. It was recommended by a friend.

‘Beta! Tumse na ho paye ga.’ He said for my forever alone status.

However, instead of calls from gals, I would get calls only from tele-callers of Vivaah.com to be a paid member. Actually, there was nothing you could do if you’re not a paid member rather than sending interests to girls. Even a simple ‘hello’ demanded a bill of 3K in Vivaah.com. It seemed an endless wait expecting girls to contact you on their own until and unless, you post a pic with an Audi or mention in ‘about me’ that you own a 2BHK condo in a metro city without any home loan. Sending reminders only reminds them that you’ve been ignored for a reason. It wasn’t that like that, I didn’t get any response at all. I did but then I would explain the situation with an Akshay Kumar dialogue from ‘Garam Masala’.

‘Humein jo ladki chaiye usse hum nahi chaiye aur humein jo chahe woh kisse chaiye…’

And then one fine day, the Cupid finally smiled at me and she send me an interest. Shreya Ganguly, 27 years, 5’2’’, Scorpio, lives in Mumbai. I clicked on her pictures, she was more than pretty and as per Vivaah.com, I matched her all 14 preferences and we should take the next step by contacting each other. Of course by being paid member.

I had a better idea, Facebook. However, her name being so common it would have been actually difficult to find her and that also if she hadn’t made a profile by names like angel or princess. Even if I get the name who knows she had put her really picture as dp. You see, if a girl puts a Disney princess as her dp either she is fat or she is awesomely beautiful. This was the latter case. Anyway, the point was that whether I could find her on Facebook or not. Nevertheless, that was my lucky day, I not only found her profile with all photos locked but we had two mutual friends even. I immediately send her friend request with the following message.

‘Hi! I’m Ayan Pal. You’ve send me a request on Vivaah.com J.’

5 minutes later, seen. No reply.

1 hour later, active now. No reply.

2 hours later. No reply. I lost patience.

‘You there?’

Seen but no reply. I got disgusted.

‘You mind replying?’

‘I’m in office.’ Finally the reply. ‘Don’t you have work?’

Game over.

***

So it was a golden duck, first ball clean bowled. How could I be so stupid? The more we have to connect, the more we seem desperate to unplug. I wondered what she must be thinking about me, what a loser! I screwed it up straightaway before it started even. Two dumb messages and it was a dead end. There was actually no question of messaging her further and let her feel that I was another useless desperate wannabe. Better I forget that pretty face and move on.

‘Hi!’ There was ping and I couldn’t believe the name flashing on the screen, Shreya Ganguly.

‘Hi!’ I anxiously replied her.

‘I’m sorry that time, I was in office. I had a busy day, so couldn’t reply.’

‘It’s ok!’

‘By the way, thanks for accepting my interest in Vivaah.com.’ She messaged. Was she drunk?

‘Well, no need to say thank you. You can simply repay by accepting my friend request on Facebook.’

No reply again for next 10 minutes. Duck in second innings too. I rather retire hurt myself from this game. It was actually getting uglier at every step. But again, I got a lifeline when I got a notifications that Shreya had accepted my friend request. However, I didn’t message her again this time not because I was being patient but I was too busy checking her pictures. She wasn’t just cute but I thought she was simply real may be a bit too much. I mean when girls would put over several edits and effects to their DPs, this girl wasn’t shy of her faint dark circle. Actually, she was quite different. She didn’t flaunt a Gucchi bag but would pose with her employee of the month awards. Yes! There were many. Her timeline was filled with office party pictures, conference selfies, sales statistics screen shots and colleague’s children snaps. I just wanted to know about her interests but then did she actually had a life beyond her office.

‘What you do by the way other than Facebook?’ She messaged. Hah! How she could be so rude, I wondered. But then this smiley ‘:P’ followed; might be she was being just sarcastic, I thought.

‘I’m an IT engineer. I’m from MIT, Pune.’

‘Cool! I’m from NIT, Rourkela.’

‘You’re an Engineer too?’

‘What else you do in an Engineering college? Anyway, I did MBA after Engineering from IIM, Lucknow. Now I work as a Territorial Head for Aircall.’

‘That’s nice!’ I blurted. If our conversation was to be pictured in a volley match, she was smashing back hard each time the ball was in her court. I wondered whether we were trying to get along or compete for a job. It was better, I switch the topic.

‘You’re very pretty.’ I messaged.

Typing… it continued to appear for next five minutes, I panicked for being such a loser. *Blocked* was on its way.

‘I know.’

That’s it? I thought. I kept waiting for the whole text for next few minutes but her last seen indicated that it was the end.

‘Hmmm…’ I replied

‘Listen! I’m tired for the day. I have office tomorrow. Good night.’ She texted.

Holy crap! How can she bully someone so much? HITLER!