pushing the future back

People tell moms with little kids all the time to enjoy those times because they end so quickly and then the kids become TEENAGERS. Well, I have 4 teens right now, and I am loving this stage. In fact, I find that for the first time, I want to keep them this age forever and I am actually dreading the stage that will come very quickly when they start leaving the house.

It made me think about my writing career and how I wanted so often to be in the next stage, whatever it was. When I was unpublished, I was sure that I would be happy once I was published. But as soon as I got that first offer, I was working madly on getting more books published. Not just one, either. And then there was a long stage when I wanted to write a bestseller. Or if not that, a book that won critical acclaim and made me a household name. Success--that was what I wanted. The elusive, never to be found ending place where I knew I had "arrived."

I don't think that place will ever come. And more than that, I think back fondly on some of the previous stages, not sure that I enjoyed them enough while I was in them. There is a certain pleasure in writing whatever book you feel like. I'm not saying that I write now to please an audience, in hopes of more sales. But I think I have reached a point where I know what I do well and I know that I don't do other things well. Yes, I could ignore that and keep trying new genres. Believe me, my agent knows that I do. But there isn't the sense of discovery, the belief that anything I write could be the perfect thing for me.

When I was waiting for my first book to come out, I thought that what I was feeling was terror. Of course, there was an element of that. But just like on a roller coaster, I knew I would live through it. The sense of anticipation is something to hold onto. Your first book never comes out a second time. That debut book is a wonderful thing.

Equally, being in the trenches, working through a revision or a series of revision with an editor you trust absolutely may feel like hard work, but it is also one of the most profound times. It is hard work and I wanted to be finished with it so much that I don't think I enjoyed it much. I didn't see how lucky I was to be at that moment.

In races one of the goals I had last year was to have at least one moment during the race in which I saw how lucky I was just to be in the race, to have my health, to have enough money to enter, and to feel my body move in this wonderful way. Regardless of the outcome of the race, whether I met a goal or didn't, whether I finished or didn't, there should always be this moment of profound gratitude.

That is what I am trying to find in my writing. Being able to be a writer is a wonderful thing. I have the skill at it that I need to tell stories I love. Not perfectly, no, but well. Enough that others can read them and enjoy them. Enough that I am pleased with myself. Enough that I can give advice about writing that helps others who are around me. I am not saying that I don't want more. I think that grasping part of me is very human. We are never content with the moment. But to look at it, to be fully in it--that is something I am trying to do more and more.

I have fingers to type with. I have a computer and an internet connection. I am writing this blog and some people will read it. For right now, I don't need more than that.