This I Believe
Don’t look too closely, you may get something from the present closet someday
The other day I was driving a carload of teenage girls to high school and remembered something I meant to tell my daughters. “I got some really funny socks at the book store the other day and I put them in the present closet in case you need them,” I said. My kids were silent (ok, it was 7:56 am and maybe they weren’t as fascinated at the announcement as I’d hoped.) So were the girls in back. I caught the eye of one of them in the rear view mirror.
“You have a present closet, don’t you, Iz?” I asked. “You know, a drawer or a cupboard where you keep the stuff you buy with no one in particular in mind, so if you need a gift at the last minute you look in the present closet?”
Izzy shook her head no very slowly, like you do to someone you don’t want to upset. I looked at my other passenger.
“Casey? You must have a present closet.” Casey has no present closet.
“WHAT?” I said, gripping the wheel tighter. “What is happening?” I said, turning to my oldest daughter who was riding shotgun. “I thought everyone had a present closet!”
She shook her head. “They don’t, Mom. And by the way, they also don’t say ‘Keep your hands to home.’ I’ve said it to people and they have no idea what I’m talking about.”
Seriously? SERIOUSLY? What did you say to your kids when you wanted them to keep their mitts off each other in the backseat of the car or when sitting at a restaurant? I didn’t even have to say the whole phrase at a certain point in their development, just: “Hands. Home.”
No present closets, no Hands Home. What else do I take for gospel that none of the rest of you even know about?
Do you not deadpan “Alert the media!” when someone in your family gives a particularly boring life update?
Do you not collect rubber bands on the door handle in the kitchen?
Do you actually wear yellow? As in clothing, near your skin?
Do you stand still when you cook dinner, even if a Missy Elliott jam comes on?
Do you not do all your laundry on the same day, so you don’t have to think about it again for a week?
Do you actually take the top copy of the magazine off the newsstand at the grocery store instead of reaching for the one behind it, which has fresher news?
When someone says, “What’s the time?” don’t you answer, “It’s time to get ill,” at least in your head?
I tell you, I am shook up. And when the fundamental beliefs of my life seem so suddenly precarious, there’s only one thing that I can do to placate myself.
I’m dipping into the present closet for some new socks.
I like dinner recipes that have to simmer for awhile, so I can practice my moves while I wait. Can’t wait til the real Pep Rally video comes out from Missy Misdemeanor…
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