Whisper My Name page 52 Successive versions of a section to show editing

 

1. And I must stop dwelling on my disappointment about India. What was the point of being miserable? I must put it out of my mind and make the most of this brief spell of freedom.

It worked. I started to relax. It was fun to rush along the Broad Walk for the sheer pleasure of being out in the crisp autumn air or dawdle if something caught my attention, like the fat tabby cat sunning itself on a step. Much more fun than marching along with Miss Tobitt, having a stilted conversation in French.

2. And for now I must try to forget about India. What was the point of being miserable? I must make the most of my unfamiliar freedom.

It worked up to a point. Deep inside I still felt raw, but I tried to focus on my surroundings and the bright day helped to lift my spirits.

It was fun to rush along the Broad Walk for the sheer pleasure of being out in the crisp autumn air or dawdle if something caught my attention, like the fat tabby cat sunning itself on a step. Much more fun than walking sedately with Miss Tobitt, having a stilted conversation in French.

3. And for now I must try to forget about India. When I was a child, if I was upset Papa used to say: stop, look, see how beautiful the world is. Why be miserable?

It worked up to a point. Deep inside I still felt raw, but I focused on my surroundings – somewhere someone was burning weeds, blue smoke drifting in the air; not far off a barrel-organ was playing; a fat tabby cat was sunning itself on a step – it all helped to lift my spirits.

It was fun to rush along the Broad Walk for the sheer pleasure of being out in the bright autumn day or dawdle watching the children kicking up crisp leaves. Much more fun than walking sedately with Miss Tippins, having a stilted conversation in French.

4. It was a beautiful day, as bright as any in India at this time of year, but with a crisp chill in the air that was bracing. Somewhere someone was burning weeds, the blue smoke drifting in the air, a different smell from the dung fires of the bazaar; not far off a barrel-organ was playing; a fat tabby cat was sunning itself on a step…my spirits rose.

It was fun to rush along the Broad Walk for the sheer pleasure of being out in the bright autumn day or to dawdle watching the children kicking up crisp leaves. Much more fun than walking sedately with Tippy, having a stilted conversation in French.

In the first three versions you can see I'm trying to remind the reader of what's just happened, but it's all rather heavy-handed. And actually it's more convincing that Meriel, who is rather mercurial, would get over her upset quickly, at least temporarily, so I've cut that part in version 4.

I tend to under-write in earlier drafts and you can see me adding more sensory detail as I go on.

Notice also how the governess's name changes – I was searching for a name that could be shortened to an affectionate nickname and 'Tippy' seems to suit her character better.

Final Version – after editor's cuts:

It was a beautiful day with a crisp chill in the air that was bracing. Somewhere someone was burning weeds, the blue smoke drifting in the air; not far off a barrel-organ was playing; a fat tabby cat was sunning itself on a step. My spirits rose.

It was fun to rush along the Broad Walk for the sheer pleasure of being out and about or to dawdle watching the children kicking up crisp leaves. Much more fun than walking sedately with Tippy, having a stilted conversation in French.

The reference to India has gone! Partly because I was reminding the reader of India too much – it wasn't convincing that Meriel would be thinking about it so much after four years. And also in the interests of pace.