Icons

An excerpt from my book Icons: Celebrity Satire:


Rihanna
6/13/15 – Weather-wise, you couldn’t have asked for a better day for an outdoor wedding – mid-seventies and sunny, not a cloud in the sky. Every chair in the backyard of Chris Brown’s mansion was filled as he waited for his bride, Rihanna, 27. That’s right, the same Rihanna whom Brown famously assaulted in 2009 had now agreed to become his wife. The audience looked pleased, even as women’s groups across the country asked what in the world Rihanna was thinking. The bride looked stunning in a long white gown as she walked down the aisle and took her place by Brown’s side.

“Do you Chris take Rihanna to be your lawfully wedded wife?” “Reverend” Eminem asked. “I do,” Brown replied, smiling at the beautiful woman before him. Eminem then asked Rihanna if she would take Brown as her husband. Rihanna’s smile turned to a scowl. “Hell no,” she said, dropping her bouquet to reveal brass knuckles. With unusual power for a female her size, she floored Brown with a single punch to the groin. “Kiss my feet while you’re down there and maybe I’ll think about it,” she hissed as he rolled around on the ground, helplessly clutching what was left of his manhood.

The audience stared at Rihanna, their faces a mix of horror and disgust, while Eminem shot her a menacing look until Brown finally came out of his testicles-induced coma. Rising to his knees, Brown looked up at Rihanna and then looked down…gently removed her shoes…and one by one kissed her feet!

Struggling to his own feet, Brown took Rihanna’s brass-knuckled hands and looked softly into her eyes. “I’m so sorry I hurt you, Rihanna. It was stupid, and I have no excuse. I love you, and nothing would make me happier than for you to be my wife. Will you please take me to be your lawfully wedded husband?” Tears filled Rihanna’s eyes. “I will!” she exclaimed, throwing her arms around Brown and kissing him as the audience burst into applause.

Later, Brown said the punch-to-the-groin idea was his. “Rihanna forgave me a long time ago, long before I deserved to be forgiven,” he said. “But I couldn’t forgive myself. Every time I thought of her pretty face covered in bruises that I caused, it just made me sick.”

“Chris didn’t ask me to marry him. I was the one who did the asking,” Rihanna added. “I tried waiting like a good girl, but Chris was really dragging his feet. I knew he was crazy about me, what was the holdup? He said the only way he could forgive himself was if I evened the score. He bought the brass knuckles, and he taught me to punch like a fighter. When I popped him in the nuts, I was doing it for him…for us.” Rev. Eminem laughed. “When they told me what they were planning to do, I thought it was funny as hell. I still don’t know how I managed to keep a straight face.”

The happy couple planned a honeymoon in Rome. “Once the swelling goes down, we might try to have a baby,” Brown said. “Hopefully I can still make babies!” “If not,” Rihanna replied, “maybe the good reverend can help.” Eminem smiled. “I’d take a stab at it.”


Ryan Seacrest
1/6/15 – On the eve of American Idol’s 14th season, announcer Ryan Seacrest made a shocking claim: For the past 11 years he was a member of the Crips. “It’s not something I’m proud of, but it happened and I need to be honest. I’m just trying to keep it real.” He said that he became interested in the gang shortly after Ruben Studdard was crowned the Season 2 winner. “Ruben’s win got me interested in black people, which naturally got me interested in the Crips.”

Seacrest didn’t feel comfortable speaking with Studdard about the issue, but fortunately there was another black person he could go to, AI judge Randy Jackson. “I started the conversation with an icebreaker about how Randy shared his name with one of Michael Jackson’s brothers, which Randy thought was interesting. After that I got down to business. Randy understood my passion for gangbanging and said that although he wasn’t a Crip himself, he frequently played his bass guitar at Crips functions. He introduced me to some of the Crips leaders, and they said they’d be happy to bring me on board provided I could pass the initiation.”

What Seacrest didn’t realize was that the initiation involved significant physical pain. “I figured it would hurt a little, maybe an atomic wedgie like I used to get in middle school, but it was a lot worse than that.” Seacrest passed the initiation, though, and became a full-fledged Crip. “My gang name was Vanigga, a cross between vanilla and nigga because I was white but still a nigga like them. I learned that it was OK to say nigga as long as there was no ‘R’ at the end. That one little letter can get you in big trouble.”

Although Seacrest enjoyed partying with the “bros and hoes” as he called them, he decided he wanted out of the gang after a particularly vicious battle with the Bloods. “It seemed to me that they actually enjoyed the violence, which upset me a great deal,” said Seacrest, 40. “I expressed my disappointment to the gang leaders, but I guess my little guilt trip didn’t work because the very next week they were fighting again. It still saddens me to think about it. Apparently I didn’t know them as well as I thought I did.”

Seacrest wanted out, so he went to the one person he knew could help him. No, it wasn’t Jackson. “Randy loved having me in the Crips. In fact, he was teaching me to play the trumpet so I could join him on stage for their events.” Instead Seacrest went to another AI judge, Harry Connick Jr. “Harry’s history as a gang member is well documented. I knew he could help me.”

Connick said he wasn’t surprised when Seacrest admitted he was a Crip. “That whole ‘Seacrest out’ thing he does at the end of the show? It’s all secret gang code. Anyone who’s ever been in a gang would immediately recognize it.” He told Seacrest that he needed to write the Crips a strongly worded letter explaining why he wanted to leave the gang. “It has to be in writing. If you don’t document it, it didn’t happen.” Seacrest followed Connick’s advice and soon found himself a free man. “They were sorry to see me go but said that I was welcome back anytime and I would always be their Vanigga,” Seacrest said. “I thought that was really sweet.”

Although Seacrest missed the flashy gangster lifestyle, he was content to leave it in the past. “This is the new Ryan Seacrest, gang free and loving it,” he said, winking as he signed off. “Seacrest out.”


Sarah Silverman
2/18/15 – Sometimes being a comedian isn’t all that funny. For Sarah Silverman, who had just been through a messy breakup, life was downright painful. “It wasn’t anything catastrophic, but I was just feeling sad and alone and…you know, just blah.” One of her friends suggested that she get counselling, which she’d tried earlier at various points in her life with mixed results. Initially she was against the idea, but the longer she remained in a funk the more enticing the suggestion sounded. Finally she decided to give it a shot.

“I wanted to make sure I went about it the right way, so I looked on Craigslist. I found a psychologist in my neighborhood and gave him a call. He was eager to see me right away.” Silverman, 44, was surprised to learn that the doctor’s office was located in his apartment and that he didn’t have a secretary, but he explained that he did this to keep his expenses down. “He said his name was Richard Long but everyone just calls him Dr. Dick. He seemed very friendly, and I had good feeling about him.”

Silverman told Dr. Dick about the problems she was having, and he immediately suggested a treatment option. “He said his method may be a bit unorthodox, but it all goes back to Einstein and Shakespeare and people like that.” He called the method “masturbation” therapy and explained that the focus was on the word “masturbation.” “I liked that he made air quotes whenever he said masturbation,” she said. Although Silverman admitted “masturbation” therapy was awkward at first, she quickly found it to be beneficial. “I’m not sure I really learned anything, but it felt great.”

Dr. Dick mentioned that he had group sessions every Saturday at 10 PM and urged Silverman to come. “He said it could be the big breakthrough I was looking for, so of course I said yes.” Later that week she was talking to her new friend Amy Schumer, who had also recently broken up with her boyfriend. “I told her about ‘masturbation’ therapy, and she said she’d heard about it,” Silverman said. “Amy said her last psychologist, Dr. Willy, suggested it once, but her mother didn’t think it was a good idea since she was only eleven at the time. I told her she really needed to give it a try, and she agreed to go with me.”

“I have to say I’m glad I went,” Schumer said after Saturday’s session. “It was really inspiring that so many men with big, hairy, smelly and disgusting bodies were able to overcome any anxieties they may’ve had and just let it all hang out.” She told the story of one man in his eighties who had difficulty getting an erection. “He just kept staring at me and tugging with all his might. He never did get it up but god bless him, he gave it everything he had. I couldn’t be any prouder of him if he was my own grandfather.”

“Dr. Dick said I was making remarkable progress,” Silverman said. “He scheduled Amy and me an appointment this Wednesday for some ‘girl-on-girl’ therapy.”