A Self-Help Survey

"Time is a powerful cure."
-Joanne Harris
"CHOCOLAT"

I found a Hadley Fitzgerald survey that I completed when I went to an introductory Counselor meeting in Los Angeles on February 5, 1991 (a little over twenty years ago). I met with the Counselor only once but it was not Hadley Fitzgerald. He had another name which escapes me now. I heard the Counselor had died from an aneurysm to the brain a few weeks later (I hope it didn't have anything to do with the way I filled out the form).

I just did an internet search and learned that Hadley Fitzgerald is a licensed therapist and counseling astrologer working internationally with clients from her home base north of LA in Sherman Oaks, CA. The survey was a fill-in-the-blank survey and it's supposed to give the counselor INSIGHT on the patient (I suppose).  Here is what I wrote (the capital LETTERS are the portions where I filled in the blanks):

I was born in OAKLAND, CA on 5-26-19XX at 11:56PM.
When I was born, the delivery was FINE, and there were NO complications.

I grew up in OAKLAND AND ALAMEDA. My parents had THREE children, and I was the SECOND. The names of my older brothers and sisters (in order) were TONY (ANTHONY FIDEL). The names of my younger brothers and sisters were JOHN (JOHN EDWARD). I had NO health problems.

Before I finished the 6th grade, I lived in TWO different places and attended FOUR different schools. My mother worked for pay outside the home SOMETIMES after I was SEVEN years old. She usually spent her spare time doing COOKING AND SOAP-OPERA WATCHING. I generally felt OKAY about her work and spare time activities. She was always showing that she was FUN, and when I was with her, she would often seem LIKE A BIG SISTER.

My father worked REGULARLY as a MACHINIST SUPERVISOR. He was often CONTENT which made me feel COMFORTABLE. My parents' marriage was GOOD. I think this was so because THEY LOVED EACH OTHER. I wish they COULD'VE TRAVELED MORE. I think my mother WOULD agree with this last statement and my father WOULD agree with this last statement. I imagine my father felt HAPPY about my birth and my mother felt HAPPY about my birth. When things got tough, my mother WAS STRESSED and my father WAS STRESSED. If I could've had anything I wanted from my father when I was a child, I would've wanted A SPECIAL PLACE FOR US TO GO AND TALK. When I didn't get what I wanted as a child, I GOT UPSET. Through most of my childhood, I felt closer to my MOTHER.

When I was very young (about 4 to 7 years old), my life was filled with JOY. At that time, I can remember being afraid of WEREWOLVES.

Afterward, about the time I was in the 6th grade, I spent my time with BROTHERS AND FRIENDS by ALAMEDA RESIDENTIAL SUBURBIA. My favorite relative then was VARIOUS COUSINS because THEY WERE ALL SO DIFFERENT. What I liked best, then, was MY NEW SCHOOL, and I used to wish that I COULD EXCEL MORE. I now realize that I HAVE EXCELLED. As a child, I considered myself a HAPPY person, and I tended to associate with FAIR AND HONEST people. My main philosophy about people was that they BE FRIENDLY AND TRUSTWORTHY. My father would become disappointed in me when I DISOBEYED OR IGNORED HIM, and he would GET ANGRY. When my mother was upset, I was supposed to COMFORT HER. The secret I decided not to reveal when I was a child was MY MASTURBATING ACTIONS. I LOVED my name. My FRIENDS nicknamed me MIKE OR MIKEEEE. Today I like being called MICHAEL because it makes me feel like THE REAL BIRTH NAMED person. When I was little, my favorite fairy tale, story, hero movie or poem was THE INCREDIBLE MR LIMPET, HIGH HOPES or IMITATION OF LIFE. This was about LOVE, FAMILY, CARING NON-DISCRIMINATELY AND THOSE who FOUND IT.

When I was an adolescent, my favorite character in the movies, television or in a book became BARNABAS COLLINS.  I WASN'T like that character because I DIDN'T WANT TO BE. My favorite song when I was a child was HAVE YOU EVER SEEN RAIN. My favorite song now is PROMISE ME YOU'LL REMEMBER (GODFATHER PART III THEME). 

My partner regards me as LOVEABLE and I feel he/she is A JOY TO BE WITH. I expect my partner to BE IN LOVE WITH/AND ONLY ME. I HAVE discussed with my partner the fact that I am coming to see a counselor. I believe that he/she would feel such counseling would be really GOOD for me.

I feel what is basically wrong with me is that I PROCRASTINATE AND I'M INDECISIVE AT TIMES. I sometimes go out of my way to feel bad about my FUTURE BECAUSE IT'S UNKNOWN. I usually take out my bad feelings on MY PARTNER OR MOTHER by COMPLAINING AND/OR WORRYING. The thing I feel most guilty about is NOT BICYCLING AND/OR GOING TO THE GYM AS OFTEN AS I USED TO DO. I am mostly bothered by BAD DRIVERS, BEING WHERE I WANT TO BE CAREER-WISE, AND OBNOXIOUS AND SNOBBY PEOPLE. If, by magic, I could change anything about myself, I would change MY PHYSIQUE TO AN IMPROVED STAMINA CAPACITY AND MY INCOME.
What I like best about myself is that I MOTIVATE MYSELF AND MAKE MY OWN DECISIONS.
What I like least about people with whom I am in a relationship is NOT BEING DEVOTED ENOUGH.

For me heaven on earth would be A PITCHER OF ORANGE, STRAWBERRIES, AND SANGRIA CHAMPAGNE IN THE SPANISH RIVIERA.

My biggest problem now is PAYING OFF BILLS. My life would have been much better had I been born MORE WEALTHY, BUT I HAVE NO COMPLAINTS.

The greatest difficulty a counselor is likely to have with me is NOT KNOWING UNLESS I REVEAL IT FIRST. My feeling is that he/she will probably GAIN GOOD INSIGHT TO MY PSYCHE AND PERSONALITY. I've noticed that one of the ways I avoid changing, even when I want to change, is TO PROCRASTINATE.

For me, I would consider it "risky" to BET $1000 ON ONE BET IN VEGAS OR DRIVE A STICK-SHIFT.

My life slogan or motto…what I'd put on my sweatshirt so people would know it was me coming down the street is: "WHATEVER IT IS…IT COULD BE WORSE!"
On the back of that sweatshirt is: LAUGHTER IS HEALTHY AND FEELS GOOD.

My particular talent is CREATIVITY IN ART AND DESIGN.
For friends I tend to select people who CARE ABOUT THEMSELVES AND THEIR FRIENDS AND FAMILY.

If I were to list 5 words that describe my mother I would say she was FUN TO BE WITH, HARD TO READ, CARING, LOVEABLE AND OPINIONATED.
Out of those words, the ones that also describe me are CALM, CRAFTY, FUN TO BE WITH, CARING, WISE.
If I were to characterize my partner, I would say he/she was INTELLIGENT, HANDSOME AND CARING.

To best understand me, it is necessary to add or emphasize the following:
About my parents, family, and culture: ____________________________________________
About my childhood: __________________________________________________________
About my adolescence:_________________________________________________________
About my schooling and friends:__________________________________________________
About my occupation:__________________________________________________________
About my hobbies and interests:__________________________________________________
About my faith, religion, or philosophy:_____________________________________________
About my problems, troubles, and traumas:_________________________________________
About my aims, goals, aspirations:_________________________________________________
About my strengths and weaknesses:______________________________________________
About my adulthood and present situation:_________________________________________

(I never filled in the above blanks.)

What, in simple language, would you like to change about yourself? MY ABILITY TO BE MORE FREE WITH MY TIME AND LESS RESTRICTED (in a 9 to 5 JOB FOR EXAMPLE).

What will you resist changing about yourself? NOTHING. I'M OPEN FOR (AND LOVE) CHANGE WHEN IT'S IN MY FAVOR.
How are you keeping yourself from changing the way you want to right now? BY DWELLING ON THINGS LONGER THAN I SHOULD AND NOT TAKING ACTION IMMEDIATELY.

What did you learn, directly or indirectly (i.e., from observing life style, body language, attitude, etc.) from your mother about:
Sex and Pleasure: NOT MUCH
Marriage and Male-Female Relationships: THAT THEY'RE GOOD…HER RELATIONSHIP LASTED LONG ENOUGH.
Money and Possessions: IT'S NICE TO BE COMFORTABLE AND NEVER GREEDY.
Growing Up: THAT I COULD ALWAYS HAVE A GOOD TIME WITH HER.

…from your father:
Sex and Pleasure: NOT MUCH, JUST JOKES NOW AND AGAIN…
Marriage and Male-Female Relationships: THAT THERE'S NOT RUSH, TAKE YOUR TIME
Money and Possessions: MONEY WILL ALWAYS HELP AND POSSESSIONS DON'T MEAN MUCH.
Growing Up: THAT I COULD ALWAYS GO TO HIM FOR ADVICE AND TO BE 'HAPPY'.

How old are you now? 31
How old do you feel most of the time? ALWAYS A LITTLE OLDER
How many more years do you think you will live? 40 to 50.
What will you have written on your tombstone (what do you want your epitaph to be)?
A KIND MAN
What was your mother's main advice? DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO.
What was your father's main advice? DON'T WORRY AND BE HAPPY.
If all goes very badly, what will your life be like, and how will you be feeling 5 years from now?
I'D TAKE INITIATIVE AND FIGHT FOR THINGS TO GET BETTER BECAUSE I'D PROBABLY LACK LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP IF THINGS GOT VERY BAD.
If all goes very well, what will your life be like, and how will you be feeling 5 years from now?
I'LL BE BUSY HELPING PEOPLE AND VACATIONING A LOT AND BE QUITE CONTENT AND COMFORTABLE: HAPPY.

Twenty-five years ago today

February 28, 1986
Friday

After work today I felt like "partying". And so, I went to the gym for my workout and then called Denise Vinsonhaler to make arrangements about meeting her at BAXTER's in Concord.

When I arrived at BAXTER's Gaylene was there with another friend named Kim. Kim was only nineteen years old. I danced. I spoke to a guy named Manuel at the bar for a while. He seemed illiterate.

I left early at about 12:40AM. I hit the hay. I was feeling tired—but I knew the next day was Saturday, the first day of March 1986. Hurrah!

Because of your smile, you make life more beautiful.
-Thich Nhat Hanh
"Being Peace"