Molly Davis's Blog, page 54

The Hole-In-One

This morning I was the featured speaker at the Annual Meeting of the Portland OR Chapter of the LPGA Amateur Golf Association. The title of my message? The Hole in One: Living An Authentic Life. 

Golf...like life...asks three basic questions: 

Where are you now?

Where are you going?

How will you get there?

Question #1 Where are you now? 

Every shot in golf starts with the answer to this question. Getting where we are going requires a clear understanding of where we are now, because it is from here that we must take our next shot on the course, and it is from here that we must take our next step in life. Sometimes everything lines up and we have a clear shot ahead. Then there are those other times when we find ourselves out in the rough, under a tree, or having to play through a difficult hazard. As it states in the rules of golf, we must Play It As It Lies. Whether out on the course or in the midst of life, each of us has to come to grips with the realities of our life by looking squarely at how things are, rather than how we thought they’d be, wished they’d be, or prayed they’d be. To live an authentic life, we must play life as it lies.

Question #2 Where are you going?

In golf we are always attempting to sink the ball in the cup with as few strokes and as much skill as we can. It may take more than one shot, but we always know where we are headed. In life it is meant to be the same. As we line ourselves up to live in synch with what we care about, we gain clarity on where life is calling us, and take steps, one after the other, in that direction.

Question #3 How will you get there? 

In golf it is about taking the next right shot. In life it is about taking the next right step. There are times when the next right step is taken inside our own mind, by unwinding an old story, asking ourself the hard question, or daring to dream of a new possibility. Sometimes we are able to see multiple steps unfolding down the path, and other times only the next step is visible. Either way, the next right step follows the one taken before. Golf is played one stroke at a time. Life is played one step at a time. 

In the event publicity I was described as an avid golfer.

I decided not to correct them.

I have played exactly 18 holes of golf in my life, hit a hole-in-one in the first 9, and decided to quit while I was ahead. But the feeling of sinking the ball in one shot felt then as it does now in my memory. This is how we are supposed to live. 

Like the hole-in-one, the authentic life is the one well played. The one where we connect who we are at our core with how we live out in the world.

May you play it as it lies. 

May you have a clear view ahead. 

May you keep taking the next right step. 

When It Comes Right Down To It

Today I dropped Gracie-the-chocolate-labradoodle off at NWBDogs for a week while we are out of town. This is the third time we have boarded her there, and while it gave me great peace of mind to leave her in such capable hands, she was beside herself with excitement. She was a quivering puddle of anticipation, and would have launched herself out the window if it had been open an inch or two more. Gracie is one smart girl. In her short little life she has already figured out that when it comes right down to it, it is all about relationships. Her time there in the past has been everything a pup could wish for. She know’s what to expect, and has learned that when she is there she will be consistently treated with respect, care, and concern for her wellbeing. She trusts that she will be well cared for, and so do we. I wouldn’t think of trusting her to anyone else.

Today I dropped my car off at Hosley Eco Auto, the shop we have been taking our cars to for over 30 years. While I may not quiver with excitement at the thought of dropping a few bucks on my car, it gave me great peace of mind to leave my car in such capable hands. Like Gracie, we long ago figured out that when it comes right down to it, it is all about relationships. Our experiences in the past have been everything a car owner could wish for. We know what to expect, and have learned that we will consistently be treated with respect, care, and concern, as will our cars. We wouldn’t think of trusting them to anyone else.

Today was a reminder that relationships are built or broken by the ways in which we treat one another, the consistency with which we show up, and every interaction matters. Take it from Gracie. When it comes right down to it, it is all about relationships.

Detritus

I’m not sure if it is the spring cleaning bug that has hit, but these words keep circling around me today.

Remnants

Fragments

Scraps

Remains

Debris

Detritus

Everywhere I look I find myself wanting to gather up and dispose of any and all things that are left over from an earlier time and chapter. Not the treasures that will stay with me to the end, but those items that no longer serve the purpose they once did. Things that have been saved in case they might be needed someday, and the bits and pieces that have simply disappeared into the background, no longer visible because they are so familiar. Then there are those belongings that hold us hostage to the past. The trappings of a life that is no longer ours. Clearing things out not to make room for more stuff, but to create space for more life.

In hanging on to what was, our hands are not free to grab hold of what is, and to reach out for what could be.

Spoiler Alert

In the age of fake news, it is essential that we are diligent to discern fact from fiction, and information from opinion. It is incumbent upon each of us to search for journalists who fiercely ferret out the truth, and tease the facts out of the rat’s nest of fabrication. When it comes to the news and our ability to make informed decisions, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth matters. Good journalism is the art of reporting the story in such a way that it shines a light on the truth.

In our personal lives, when it comes to telling a good story, there’s an art to that too. We are story tellers at heart, and we see ourselves in one another’s stories. A story is our own account of events and experiences, not someone else’s recollection. We tell our stories to entertain and inspire, connect and reveal, and a story that isn’t absolutely accurate can still be absolutely true. But have you ever been in the midst of telling a story, and suddenly someone feels the need to correct your telling of it? Nothing kills a good story like a self-appointed fact checker.

I’ll take an authentic story over an accurate one any day, and the next time someone steps in to correct my story, I’m going to try and respond the same way a good friend of mine does.

Now don’t go spoiling a good story with the truth.

Connection

Recently we were given the book reconnect by Steve D. Call, PhD, and I highly recommend it. While there are many points I could highlight here, I will share just one in the hopes that it will pique your interest to learn more. If it does, grab a copy for yourself.

Very , very simply put, relationships are in one of the following states:

connection

disconnection

reconnection

Think about it. Everything is going along swimmingly, and then bam, because of a comment, conflict, misunderstanding, or we just get out of sorts because we’re tired, hungry, or stressed, we suddenly move from connection to disconnection. At that point, the invitation is always to move towards reconnection. In my experience, this happens on both the micro and macro level, and if we accept the invitation to move towards reconnection on the smaller, daily stage, it can go a long way towards avoiding finding ourselves on the big long term stage.

My husband and I are finding it good food for thought to go with our morning coffee. Maybe you will too.

Elking

It’s called Elking. A made up verb that you won’t find in any dictionary, but those of us who do it know exactly what it means. Throw a coat on over your pjs, stick your feet in a pair of Uggs, grab a steaming cup of coffee, hop in the SUV, and head out for a long, meandering drive through the Glenwood Valley to try and spot some elk.

However.

Elking isn’t really about the elk.

It’s about a beloved family tradition that we created together that makes time for connection. On those drives through the valley problems have been solved, weddings planned, questions posed, answers found, forgiveness asked, grace extended, courageous conversations broached, and next steps discovered.

Elking isn’t really about the elk.

Huddled together in the car, heated seats on high and windows open to let in the cold mountain air, we are bound together by our shared stories, family ties, and commitment to one another come what may. We laugh cry, disagree, find our way to common ground, and sometimes, we actually see some elk.

Catching Myself

It’s no secret to those who know and love me that when I get a little too stressed, or tired, or am operating with very little time to myself, I can respond in ways that are less than gracious and kind. It is something I want to change, and have made a commitment to myself to learn to do it differently.

This morning, as a group of us were trying to get out of the house to show up on time for a long anticipated event, it felt like one too many people asked me one too many questions, and out came that sharp, clipped response I’m trying to change. Damn! I heard myself as the words left my lips, and while I wish I could just wish a new way of being into being, that’s not how it works. It all starts with noticing. The more we notice getting it wrong, which is usually what happens at the front end of change, the more we get to practice getting it right.

Catching myself in the act of getting it wrong this morning is one step closer to catching myself getting it right.

Imagining a kinder, gentler me.

Digging A Hole

My sister reminded me of an experience she had many years ago. An old message, founded in old wounds, continued to haunt her, clouding her thinking and keeping her stuck in old ways that no longer served her. While she knew it was time to move on, that toxic story continued to stealthily land on her shoulder and whisper its poisonous message.

How to be done with it once and for all?

Dig a hole.

She found a place that required work to get there, dug a deep hole, buried it, and left it behind. If she ever wanted to retrieve that story, she’d have to go to the effort of returning to that hard-to-get-to place and dig it up again. When the story tried to show up again, as stories like that are wont to do, she remembered that it was buried in a deep, deep hole far, far away.

End of story.

The Retreat

In military terms, a retreat is a maneuver to withdraw from the battle. While it can signal an admission of defeat, it can also be a withdrawal of forces in order to regroup, replenish supplies, restore strength, reinvigorate morale, and revise the way forward.

Whenever a retreat is called for, it is usually in the face of fierce odds. On his podcast, psychologist Dr. Dan Allender describes a retreat as an “…orderly, military process of creating another day to fight…” He goes on to say that he has been told that it is one of the most difficult maneuvers to teach, because fear can so easily take over.

A well executed retreat creates space, even if momentarily, to reevaluate, and It is a skill to be cultivated. We would do well to learn to know when it is time to pull back, draw down, cease from fighting, and put a bit of distance between ourselves and whatever we are up against. On the other side we will emerge better equipped to continue to fight the good fight.

This Is Us

When we are in relationship with others, our differences are more evident than our similarities. No place is this more apparent than in marriage. Tom and I have been married for almost 25 years, and our many differences are as evident today as they were when we were starry-eyed in love on the day of our wedding.

I’m prickly. He’s buttoned up.

I’m multi-layered and a tad complicated. He has a deep, gentle core and is more straight forward.

I experience and express all of my feelings ad nauseam. He’s darn good at avoiding any emotions that rock his internal Hakuna Matata, much less putting words to them.

I’m a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of girl. He’s a planner.

I can go for days without a shower. He can’t.

I state my needs and preferences quickly, and perhaps a little too easily. He poses a question as a backdoor way of stating his desires without having to take ownership for them.

I care about form first, function second. He starts with function and hopes for form.

I move fast. He’s methodical.

I can commander any conversation. He tends to take a back seat.

I know I’ll find a parking space close in. He’s pretty sure he won’t.

I’m messy. He’s, ummm, not.

A good example of how this plays out happened the other morning. We were staying at Los Poblanos, a drop-dead fabulous historic inn in Albuquerque, NM. Sitting in bed with our cups of French Press coffee, it went something like this.

Act 1

Him: Do you want to explore the grounds after our coffee?

Me: Yes! And then go to breakfast. (Rated the best breakfast in all of New Mexico.)

Him: But shower first, right?

Me: (Big sigh) Can’t we just be spontaneous?

Him: (Jaw muscles clench) A shower just wakes me up.

Me: And you don’t think a brisk walk in 31 degree air will do that?

Him: (More jaw clenching)

Me: (Bigger sigh) Fine. We can come back, you shower, and I’ll keep walking or read or something.

We finish our coffee in strained silence and head out for a walk.

Act 2

It was a glorious morning, and as we wandered the trails discovering secret gardens, meditation spaces, the resident llamas, took in the attention to detail in the design of the buildings and grounds, and breathed the fresh morning air, the sun on our faces warmed up our hearts. Pretty soon we were laughing, holding hands, and giving thanks for the unbelievable blessing of even being able to grant ourselves this kind of experience.

Me: Who gets to do this??

Him: Today, I guess we do.

Me: It feels so good to be out here together.

Him: (Deep laugh) I think I want breakfast.

Me: Now? Before your shower?

Him: Yep. It’s amazing how rigid I think I have to be in my mind. Thank you for challenging me to do it differently.

We finish our walk and head off to breakfast in happy silence.

Act 3

We head into Campo for breakfast. Our server comes by our table with coffee, and I jump straight into an energetic conversation with her.

Me: We had the most amazing dinner last night.

Her: I’m so happy to hear that.

Me: We both think it was one of the best, if not the best meal we’ve ever had anywhere.

Her: Wow! My partner is the Sous Chef. I’ll be sure and tell him. What did you order?

Me: I had the Rib-Eye. OMG, it was beyond delicious. We also had the Sashimi, the grilled asparagus, and Tom had the Pork Chop.

We order our breakfast.

Act 4

We sip our coffee in easy silence for a few minutes.

Him: (In a quiet, gentle voice) I’d like to offer an observation. You jumped into that conversation, took off running, and didn’t give me a chance to answer for myself or give my opinion.

Me: (Taking a moment) You are so right. I don’t even see myself doing it.

Him: Just like when I ask you what you want as a way avoiding taking ownership for my own needs.

Me: Yes!

Him: You are really helping me with that.

Me: Like you just helped me.

Here is the truth—we are different in so many ways, and while we sometimes drive each other crazy, we’ve also come to count on the gifts that come wrapped in our differences. When all is said and done…this is us.