Ashe Vernon's Blog, page 106

are all the messages in MMDK books different

Yep!! Some of them sound a little similar because when you spend ten hours signing and packaging books, you tend to forget which ideas are new ones, but I wrote each message individually for each person/order ❤

"You’re twenty-two years old, with a lifetime ofbroken self-esteem weighing on your back.You’re..."

“You’re twenty-two years old, with a lifetime of

broken self-esteem weighing on your back.

You’re doing okay, though: wearing lipstick in shades

that make you look least afraid of being alive.

But then you go and fall into bed with a boy

whose waist is hardly as big around as your upper thigh,

and you spend the next month trying to figure out

why someone like him would ever want all

of this.

I am trying to be the woman

who wears her body in double digits,

but does not dress her mouth in apologies.

The woman who could not be cowed

into finishing school quiet,

who does not sit with her knees together,

who does not have a pretty laugh,

who still believes she is beautiful,

even when she is the big one in the relationship.

But society tells me there is too much of my body

for it to be worth anything. See,

you can’t solve a recession by printing more bills.

To have in excess is to have practically nothing.

When a diamond’s not rare, it’s just a rock.

When my body is too big, its value depreciates:

one step down for every pound over perfect.

I spent years unlearning this, but it never went away.

Proven by how terrifying it is to be touched

by beautiful boys with pianist’s hands

and thin hips.

I have preached self-love to anyone who would listen,

only to be proven hypocrite, snake in the grass,

unbeliever in the pulpit.

So this body is my temple, and all it took

was a pair of thin wrists to destroy it.

Every kiss raises questions I am afraid

to put words to.

When he touches my stomach

I have to force myself not to push his hands away.

When he takes too long to answer a text message,

I can’t stop the feeling that this is it:

this is where the daydream crumbles,

where he comes to his senses,

where reality floods back in.

I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop,

for the rug to get yanked out from under me,

for a girl who looks like him to come along

and ruin everything.

But he is still here. Soft and sharp and gorgeous.

There is no part of me he is afraid to touch.

I don’t know how to get rid of my fear.

But there’s something else underneath:

something warm and honey gold and light.

Nobody says my name

the way he does.

When I’m with him, I don’t feel like too much.

I’ve spent a lifetime feeling flavor-of-the-week.

Maybe this is the beginning of believing

in my own permanence.

I know better

than to put my self-worth in anyone else’s hands–

even hands as beautiful as his.

I’m not asking him to create my value.

I am standing here, head held high,

declaring myself inherently valuable

and daring him to prove me right.”

- SKINNY BOYS WITH BEAUTIFUL HANDS by Ashe Vernon (via latenightcornerstore)

Ashe. He is so sweet to me and so soft and so gentle. It's been six years since my abusive relationship and this man is so different and so perfect but my heart is still so terrified. And I want to love him so much but I'm so scared. I am so scared.

It’s okay to be scared, sweetheart. You should tell him you’re scared. Give him a chance to be gentle in all the ways that other man wasn’t.

You are not wrong or broken for being scared. You’ve been through something awful. Go as slow as you need to. Trust has to come in it’s own time, you can’t force it.

Good luck, little dove

sext: I guess my soul just stumbled into your heartbeat and realized it liked the sound

sext: I guess my soul just stumbled into your heartbeat and realized it liked the sound

"I know that, in theory, love is supposed to be soft.I have felt soft love, before, but—for the..."

“I know that, in theory, love is supposed to be soft.

I have felt soft love, before, but—

for the last two months, love has been

sledgehammer to my nervous system.

It keeps taking me out at the knees.

For the thousandth time, I remind myself

that want and need are two different things.

I remind myself,

to be needed is not love.

I kiss like a seed trying desperately

to put down roots in wet soil.

I keep trying to turn wild animal.

He keeps trying to make a home from my skeleton.

Neither of us is doing this the right way.

In spite of that, we keep crashing our bodies together:

expecting someone to catch us even when we’ve become

falling anvils,

cartoon pianos,

sticks of live dynamite.

I’ve done this song and dance before. I already know

I will let him turn me shelter

even while my roof is leaking.

I’ll put my mouth everywhere that hurts.

I’m good at it: unearthing my foundations

and giving them to other people.

It’s no wonder I have trouble standing on my own two feet.

It’s no wonder I’m so prone to slide downhill.

Even then, I still believe in a love that will meet me

at my own altar.

A love that patches the holes in the ceiling.

A love who comes, heart in hand,

and means it.”

- UNTIL THEN by Ashe Vernon

hi, i just wanted to thank you. your words have helped me a lot with dealing with my sexuality/gender. its taken a lot of time, but im feeling free, i believe. im falling in love with the people that i actually love and it feels like light. I feel like I'm

“strange ball of genders in the shape of a girl” sounds very familiar. That’s how I feel a lot of the time, too.

I’m proud of you, sunshine. I’m glad my words could help, but YOU are the one who accepted yourself, who opened yourself up to love. And that’s incredible. There are a lifetime of beautiful things opening up for you and I can’t wait for you to tumble headfirst into them.

hi, i just wanted to thank you. your words have helped me a lot with dealing with my sexuality/gender. its taken a lot of time, but im feeling free, i believe. im falling in love with the people that i actually love and it feels like light. I feel like I'm

“strange ball of genders in the shape of a girl” sounds very familiar. That’s how I feel a lot of the time, too.

I’m proud of you, sunshine. I’m glad my words could help, but YOU are the one who accepted yourself, who opened yourself up to love. And that’s incredible. There are a lifetime of beautiful things opening up for you and I can’t wait for you to tumble headfirst into them.

I met this guy. We talked and laughed for no more than ten minutes, and it's so silly, but we shook hands, and I thought, "this is the man I'm going to marry." But college is so much more important to me than a relationship right now, and who really wants

Want to hear a story?

My uncle Bill and aunt Kara are two of the kindest, softest people I’ve ever met. They’ve been married for–I want to say at least thirty years now. They actually wound up meeting in a bar [I think; there’s a possibility I remembered that part of the story wrong].

And the minute my uncle saw Kara he thought, “I’m going to marry this woman.”

And then of course he was like ????? what oh my god that’s ridiculous she’s a total stranger, no I’m not???

But he did. They have three kids and a beautiful house and they’re so happy.

I’m not saying that’s what’s going to happen, because who knows, you know?
I’m just saying–sometimes love happens in incredible, unbelievable ways.

No matter what happens, I’m happy you got to feel so warm, today.

I met this guy. We talked and laughed for no more than ten minutes, and it's so silly, but we shook hands, and I thought, "this is the man I'm going to marry." But college is so much more important to me than a relationship right now, and who really wants

Want to hear a story?

My uncle Bill and aunt Kara are two of the kindest, softest people I’ve ever met. They’ve been married for–I want to say at least thirty years now. They actually wound up meeting in a bar [I think; there’s a possibility I remembered that part of the story wrong].

And the minute my uncle saw Kara he thought, “I’m going to marry this woman.”

And then of course he was like ????? what oh my god that’s ridiculous she’s a total stranger, no I’m not???

But he did. They have three kids and a beautiful house and they’re so happy.

I’m not saying that’s what’s going to happen, because who knows, you know?
I’m just saying–sometimes love happens in incredible, unbelievable ways.

No matter what happens, I’m happy you got to feel so warm, today.

I'm having a rough time of life and listening to your voice in Post Panic Attack is helping me breathe. Thank you. I know you have a lot of work with the new book and shipping, and I appreciate all you do.

This has been sitting in my inbox for a while, but I just want you to know that every time I see it, it makes me so warm. I hope things have gotten easier for you. I hope you know I love you.