I.C. Robledo's Blog, page 8

My Purpose Journey – A Winding Road

It was always a struggle to try to figure out what to do with my life when I was younger. The decision seemed so big and overwhelming, and there was so much pressure to get it right.

One wrong turn, and I felt my life would be ruined – overly dramatic perhaps, but it’s how I often felt.

Starting in high school, I wasn’t sure what direction to go in. I thought my science classes were interesting, and I was doing well in them, so I figured I would end up majoring in science by the time I got to college.

When it came time to choose my major, I began second guessing everything. I considered many different majors, but one of the ones I was considering more closely was anthropology. Others such as biology, psychology, philosophy, and sociology had also crossed my mind.

My brother was already in college, and I told him I wasn’t sure what to major in. He pointed out that since biology was one of my interests, I should major in that. He said that it’s easier to switch out of science than it is switching into it. If I changed my mind later, it would not be a problem for me this way.

The feedback made sense and so reluctantly (as I knew this would be quite the challenge), I majored in biology at Purdue University. The workload ended up being the most extreme I had ever encountered. I felt like I never stopped studying. Many students were struggling to pass biology, and a large portion were actually dropping out or failing out of the chemistry class. I was so worried about failing that I studied all the time, and I managed to get nearly all As by the end of the semester. Yet, I had realized that this was not the field for me. I was not very interested in my science classes – and lab work was agony for me. If I didn’t enjoy working in labs, then what was the point of majoring in biology?

By the end of my first semester, I decided that I should change my major, but to what? I recalled that in high school, my favorite class had been psychology. I had always found the mind fascinating, and so I ended up choosing to major in psychology.

From there, I enjoyed my classes much more. This felt right to me. I felt like I was in the right field.

I had imagined that I would become a clinical psychologist, and so my second year, I took the opportunity to intern with a therapist. Ultimately, this was much tougher than I had imagined. The therapist I interned with worked with adolescents and their parents. Sometimes the issues that they faced were quite heavy, and I found it difficult to forget about their problems. Working with them, I was forced to realize that not all problems are fixable. Sometimes deaths in the family were involved, heavy drug use, physical and sexual abuse, and so on. I couldn’t imagine myself listening to these types of problems all day – this didn’t seem right for me.

By the time I was in my 3rd year of college, I wasn’t sure what I would actually do with my life. (To transition smoothly from college to graduate school, I needed to be applying at this time.) Since I did not make a decision, I ended up delaying graduate school – taking a year off after I graduated from college. I knew that I wanted to go to graduate school, but I wasn’t sure what the focus should be.

I had considered studying criminology. I truly enjoyed the criminal behavior and criminal justice courses I took in college, and I had a discussion with one professor about my options. He told me if I wanted a solid career outside of law enforcement, I should get my PhD. I was put off by this, as I didn’t want to spend that much time in school.

Ultimately, I decided that I should continue in psychology, and try to figure out the most practical path to having a career. Could I get a master’s and have a good job in psychology, without going into the clinical / therapeutic field? It turned out that industrial-organizational psychology seemed to offer that path. (Basically, the field is about using psychology to help companies and organizations meet their goals.) It appeared to be the only master’s degree in psychology that would lead to a good job. Otherwise, I would need the PhD.

I ended up taking the only course on industrial-organizational psychology offered at Purdue, and I became friends with the professor. He urged me: “With your grades and GRE scores (similar to the SATs, but for graduate school), you should apply to PhD programs, because you could get full funding (meaning I would get paid to go to school). If you change your mind later, you can always leave with a master’s degree.”

I took his advice and applied to some PhD programs as well as a couple master’s programs. I was accepted to most of the schools I applied to, and ultimately I went to the PhD program in the University of Oklahoma – they had offered me a stipend and fellowship.

While I was there, I figured that I might as well get the PhD. I was fully funded to get 5 years of graduate school education, so why wouldn’t I take advantage of it?

Yet, things didn’t go as planned.

After a few weeks in the program, I wanted to drop out – as ridiculous as this may sound.

I started recording how much time I was working, and it was over 100 hours per week often times. I was already slim, and I was losing weight. I lost my appetite, I didn’t know anyone in the state (as I’m from Indiana) except for the colleagues I had just met, and I had begun to fall into a depression.

(Falling into a depression is basically it’s own story, so I will skip that for now, to keep things moving along.)

Eventually, I found my way out of the depression, but I felt like my spirit was dampened. I had been in the program for three years and I was progressing just fine, but my heart was not in this. I had thoughts such as: Perhaps getting into this field because it would result in a job was not the best path. My interests were more in the cognitive area – so maybe I should have just gotten a PhD in cognitive psychology. Actually, I never really wanted to pursue a PhD, so maybe I should have just gone to a terminal master’s program instead of a PhD program.

After three years and with a master’s degree in industrial-organizational psychology, I decided it was time to quit. I wasn’t sure what I should have done instead of the path I took in life, but this path was no longer working out.

To this day, I don’t actually regret any of my choices – as I think they all made sense at the time. It made sense to major in biology for my first semester at Purdue, even though I wasn’t convinced about it. And it made sense to go into a PhD program in industrial-organizational psychology, even though I had my doubts about being in school that long, and about whether I was pursuing this just to have a stable job, or because I truly wanted to do this. Then, it made sense to leave the program.

After leaving graduate school, I moved back to Indiana and I was going to look for jobs in human resources. This seemed like the main path toward a career using my degree. However, the more I looked at job descriptions, the less interested I became, and eventually I gave up on looking for positions.

My father made a point that was quite reasonable at that point. He said: “So you’re going to give up before you get started?” I thought it was a valid point, but I felt that this was truly not my path. I had spent some time pursuing paths that didn’t feel right for me, and I didn’t want to continue doing this anymore.

I needed to find my own path, and live out my purpose in my own way.

I considered a variety of life paths then. For example, I could become an X-Ray technician, a PC repair technician, a software tester, a video game designer (I actually spent time learning some programming), a crime scene investigator, or I could just write freelance articles online. Even if some of these required extra schooling or training, I preferred this to getting a job in human resources. Yet, in the back of my mind I knew that I was just seeking some form of comfortable job that I could do. None of this is what my heart was truly in. And the last thing I wanted to do was invest time and money into learning a new field that my heart was not truly in.

The problem was I didn’t know what path was right for me. I didn’t know what job I was meant to do. Basically, I was lost.

Instead of pursuing a comfortable job, I ended up writing fiction for a couple of years. It seemed like a good idea at the time, and it was a lot of fun, but I don’t think this was my true purpose.

After a couple years, I realized that writing fiction was not truly what I wanted to do full time. It didn’t feel like a real living, it just seemed like a way to pass the time. Also, I lacked direction – often, I wasn’t sure what to write, or I wasn’t convinced as to whether I had chosen the right project to work on. After working on writing all day every day, I was burning out, and I wasn’t even close to earning a living. This wasn’t fun anymore, and it wasn’t leading me toward figuring out where I wanted to be.

I realized that I did enjoy writing very much, but perhaps I was writing the wrong things. Could I write about something else?

Then I began writing books in the mind improvement topic. In writing to help other people, I felt that I was finally meeting my purpose. Eventually I wrote books that considered broader personal growth themes. And now, with this blog I consider self-development as well as philosophical ideas and societal growth.

The long winding road had been worth it. My mind, thoughts, and impact were expanding.

At this point my main purpose is just to help people – and the main vehicle for me in doing this has been through writing. I also strive toward my own personal growth – that way I can use my lessons learned to help more people. My desire to improve myself and improve others both synergize with each other.

The reason for this post is that I just want my readers to understand that the journey toward finding your purpose isn’t always straight, nor obvious, nor easy. Meeting your purpose can be a winding road, and that’s okay.

I find it’s actually best not to hang on too hard to needing to define your purpose in one way. When you don’t hang on to one way so much, you can adapt and change and grow. If your purpose is too narrow, you may miss greater opportunities.

Sometimes new opportunities arise in my life, and I just ask myself if I will be able to help more people by pursuing this, or if ultimately it will slow me down. Thinking this way helps to guide me along the best path.

As time goes on, I plan to continue to grow and evolve, but I suspect I will always be focused on helping people, especially my readers. I have figured out my main purpose, but what may change is exactly how I live out that purpose.

What I Learned in the 5th Grade

I sometimes think back to the 5th grade because it was a tough year for me but I learned some great life lessons that year. My teacher, Mr. Strombeck, taught me so much, and most of what I learned wasn’t even a part of the curriculum. He had a reputation for being one of the hardest, most strict teachers in the school, yet I’m glad I was in his class.

I Learned to Read (and Think)

This teacher gave us reading assignments that somehow seemed to leap beyond anything I had ever been required to read in the past. They were short stories that it seemed like an adult or young adult may read. He told us to read them on our own time, and then to answer some comprehension questions that I thought were quite difficult. These stories were not typical kid stories. It was literature. There were complex themes and ideas floating around, and it was not always explained so directly within the story. You had to figure it out on your own, or come to your own interpretation of what was going on.

I am convinced now that he wanted to get us thinking. He didn’t want to explain the story to us so that we could learn his explanation. Mr. Strombeck wanted us to figure it out, and make sense of the story for ourselves – that is what reading is truly about, isn’t it?

This was the first time I learned to ask myself questions as I read. Why did this character behave this way? What were they trying to accomplish? Why did they get emotional or upset at a certain point? When or where are they, and why does it matter?

I remember that the first stories he assigned were incomprehensible to me. I felt lost. But I kept reading and trying to understand, and at the end of the year my reading skills had vastly improved. In the 6th grade (the following year), I was reading the highest-level books in the school library, which were 8th grade level. I’m sure this was because my 5th grade teacher had actually challenged me to truly read, and to truly think.

 

My Actions Have Consequences

Surely, children younger than the 5th grade learn that their actions have consequences. Every child knows that if they behave badly enough, they will get punished or at least have some type of privilege or reward taken away. But I learned this lesson in a deeper way here.

One of my friends needed an eraser and he was only maybe 15 feet away. I didn’t want to get up from my desk without permission, so I gently tossed an eraser to him and he caught it.

“That’s 5 days detention right there,” the teacher said sternly, looking at me.

He took a moment to write me up and hand me the form. I was quite upset, as I thought it was obvious that I had not violently thrown anything, or tried to hurt anyone. But I knew if I tried to argue the point, it would just make things worse.

To this day I’m not entirely sure if the punishment of 5 days detention was really warranted. It seems extreme for the gentle toss of an eraser.

Yet as a child, the lesson hit home – Be careful with what you choose to do. Think through your choices. Your actions have consequences.

In hindsight, I think this fifth grade teacher was trying to actually prepare us for life, and not just for the sixth grade.

I sense that the message he was giving me and to the class is that even if this punishment seems harsh, in real life people often commit actions that appear to be harmless, and yet which can result in horrible consequences. Also of course, in real life sometimes minor crimes result in harsh sentences, and some criminals get off for free. Things are not always fair.

 

“It’s not easy, but sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do.”

I was horrible at paying attention in class, and so I believe I was struggling in history class at one point, and my Mom had talked to Mr. Strombeck. He told my Mom that I should go to his desk the next day to talk about my options.

The next day arrived and I was very introverted, so I was nervous about going up to him. Most of the day went by and I never went to his desk. I was going to keep waiting, and probably never go up to him. Finally in the afternoon, Mr. Strombeck called me to his desk.

He asked me if my Mom had told me to come to his desk and talk to him, and I said “Yes.”

Then he said something like this: “I know it can be difficult to come up to an adult, but you’re going to have to learn to do this. It’s not easy, but sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do. You are the one who would like to do better in history, so you are the one who needs to come to me about it. Next time you have something on your mind, come straight to me.”

Then he gave me a few extra credit options to help improve my grades.

At the time I think I struggled to communicate with people, especially adults. In general, I had started to develop some anxiety around socializing. Fifth grade was also the first time I was expected to give presentations in front of the class. All I can recall is having this overwhelming sense of dread when I needed to present, like this world-ending disaster was happening. There was a girl in my class who got so nervous she would shake visibly and cry during her presentations. I probably felt like her on the inside.

The understanding from my teacher that it was difficult for me to communicate and that I was intimidated to speak with adults somehow helped me to make it through the year.

Ultimately, now as an adult, I agree with him that some things will be quite difficult, but you have to do them.

Through doing those difficult things over and over, somehow it seems to result in personal growth, wellbeing, character, grit, and skill.

How to Use the Internet

I don’t know why, but that year (1995) I was selected to be in a group of four students that would get to learn extra computer skills. I don’t remember much about what we did. The group only met once per week for about an hour. In that time, I remember working on something called Netscape (a common web browser at that time).

In those days there were less than 40 million internet users worldwide, and apparently I was one of them. Today, there are nearly 5 billion regular internet users. There is a good chance you and everyone you know has internet access, but the world wasn’t always this way. And as I’m starting to feel older than I actually am somehow, I will remind you that I am 35 years old now.

We couldn’t have known back then that this internet thing was really going to take off. As kids, it was just an interesting way to pass the time, and like a toy to play with.

Now we know the internet is much more powerful than we thought – we are all connected through it, and able to share and receive as much information as we can handle.

Final Thoughts

I learned a lot in the 5th grade. I learned to read and think, that my actions have consequences, that sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to, and how to use the internet.

By the way, the only things I remember learning were not actually in the course curriculum. Isn’t that interesting?

What did you learn in the 5th grade?

Or do you have a teacher who stands out to you, and who helped you learn some valuable life lessons?

Think Differently to Become a Difference Maker

"Diffferent Thinking: 1. Thinking which is unlike in style, type, form, process, quality, amount or nature; dissimilar. 2. Differing in thinking from all others, unusual. 3. Thinking which reverses basic assumptions and accepted logic or reasoning. 4. Weird thinking." - Rolf Smith (“The 7 Levels of Change”)

When I have conversations, people often tell me that I think differently (or sometimes strangely). Or they may tell me that I used a different thought process than they expected.

To be frank, this isn’t always a good thing. Sometimes they end up showing me that I used a longwinded and convoluted path to arrive at a conclusion that could have been gotten to much more easily. This has happened to me when I spoke with highly analytical or logical people.

However, this ability to think differently is one that I have always valued about myself. I have some confidence in feeling that I can probably come up with unexpected options for solving problems. If I ever get stuck in a situation, I can probably find a way out of it by thinking differently. I have never had a sense that a problem was unsolvable - although I have wondered if people were ready to implement the necessary solutions.

Sometimes my different thoughts are just ones that I haven’t had the time to properly think through or test, or perhaps they are not easily testable.

For example, a recent thought I had was that in our dreams, we are everyone in the dream because it is all happening in our mind. This is not a new thought for me – as one of my teacher’s in high school told me this.

Then I started thinking about it more deeply….

In our dreams, we are not only everyone in the dream, we are also everything in the dream. If there is a piece of furniture, that is me because my mind created it.

In our dreams, we feel as if we have one vantage point or one perceived self, yet in reality we are everyone and everything in the dream. Again, if we literally created all of it in our own mind, then it is all a part of us.

Is it possible that in real life, we are everyone and everything somehow, and we just have this illusion of being stuck in one vantage point – as it is in dreams?

Is it possible that we are in someone else’s dream, and so when we dream at night it is a dream within Someone’s larger dream?

And then…. I was thinking, it is possible that the people in our dreams have their own dreams?

If we are the dreamers of someone else’s dream world, then could we also be creating dreamers of their own dream world?

Who is to say?

Different thinking doesn’t really need a definition – it is just a different way of seeing and thinking than what other people use. I’m not sure it is always creative – but it certainly can lead to creative thinking. With creative thinking, the thoughts should be novel and useful. Different thinking just involves novelty or a different quality about it, and doesn’t necessarily need to be useful.

I’m sure we all have our own different ways of thinking, but today I am wondering what has contributed to different thinking in my own life. Let’s consider this more deeply.

Not Paying Enough Attention in School

Starting in 5th grade, but possibly beginning before this, I can recall being horrible at paying attention in school. Any time we got to topics such as math or history, my mind would refuse to focus. It became meaningless chatter in the background. My mind would wander endlessly. I would wonder about my classmates’ lives, if we were ever going to use any of what we learned, and I would actually worry if I would end up failing a class because I couldn’t pay attention. (Luckily I never did.)

I believe now that a part of schooling is really designed to teach us to be normal thinkers. When the teacher says apple, you are supposed to think fruit. You aren’t supposed to wonder about how far you could throw one if you really tried. In school, you learn that when you are shown something, you immediately think about something else. And so most of us end up with these associations in our minds.

Perhaps I am missing some of those associations because I didn’t pay enough attention, and somehow that forced me to think through things in my own way, making me a different thinker.

Having Family or Friends with a Different Culture

My family is Mexican and Panamanian, and I grew up in the US, so I grew up with some of the Latin culture, yet I went to school with kids from a wide spectrum of backgrounds. In high school, my closest friends were from a variety of different backgrounds – African American, White American, Laotian, Vietnamese, and Hungarian. Frankly, we didn’t sit around and have deep conversations about our cultural heritage, as I was still a teenager, but I believe that having some exposure to different backgrounds and ways of thinking from an early age helped me to eventually become a different thinker.

Having Conversations with People Who Think Differently

In my experience, it’s not easy to find different thinkers. The ones I have met tend to know how to think conventionally in order to function in society. It’s as if they have their own inner mind, which is different thinking, yet in society in their normal life, they know how to think conventionally in order to work with people.

Growing up, the first different thinker I knew was my cousin Salvador – he owns a frame shop and he is an artist. In my high school and college years, we would often have hours-long conversations that I could only describe as different. The mode of thought that he used was not like anyone else I had ever spoken with. Often, as we talked on and on for hours into the night, I would reach a point of exhaustion where I couldn’t think anymore. Then he would pull the conversation in a new direction, asking a question I had never considered, in a way that seemed to push the limits of everything I knew to be true.

To think differently, meeting different thinkers is key. Without having known Salvador (who just happened to be a cousin I grew up with), my ability to think differently would have been stifled.

Being Comfortable with Different Ways of Thinking

I was very introverted growing up, and so I spent a lot of time in my own thoughts. This was good and bad. It’s bad because we shouldn’t be too isolated from others – it’s important to share ideas with others in order to learn and grow.

However, being introverted ended up being a good thing for me because when I had my own different thoughts, I wasn’t always concerned what anyone else would think of them. I just spent time thinking it through on my own, and I didn’t need anyone else’s approval.

I actually wasn’t sure what others would think of my thoughts, and I didn’t feel the need to share them. My thoughts were just a part of my own world when I was younger. If I had felt the need to share them and have people agree with me, then I could not have properly developed into a different thinker.

Being Willing to Consider What Seems to Be Impossible

A lot of being a different thinker is about being open to the limitless possibilities. In time, I have gradually become more and more open to what many of us would probably call very strange ideas.

To me, ideas are something we should explore more deeply. Often, we want to be lazy and so we are quick to want to discount or discredit a different type of thought. However, those are the ones I am most curious and open to.

Different thinking is so rare that if I am exposed to it, I am highly open to it. I will not believe it without any evidence or logic, but I will deeply think through it on my own – to figure out if it is possible this could even be true. I will look for better theories that describe a phenomenon. Sometimes an idea may sound unbelievable, but if there are no better theories out there, you may have to take it seriously.

Understanding That NOT Everything Needs to Be Productive, Efficient, nor Profitable

I make efforts to always have time in my life where I don’t need to be doing anything in particular. This isn’t due to laziness. This is due to the awareness that to think differently, you must have time where you do not need to think in one specific way.

Everything that people do as a normal and ordinary part of their life may actually get in the way of different thinking. Think about it – if we do ordinary things in ordinary ways for ordinary reasons, how likely are we to think differently?

Most people are obsessed with productivity, efficiency, or profitability – or all of these. Well, these things actually get in the way of thinking differently. If your mind is meeting specific objectives from morning until night, then you have no time to think differently. You are forcing yourself to think conventionally through conventional problems, for conventional reasons.

To think differently, take more breaks, meditate, run, be with nature, socialize, waste time for the fun of it, remember to breathe, and avoid having your life become just a daily grind.

Focus on Being Your True Self, Rather Than on Being Different

Some people do take pride in being different from others, and I think this is great. We should have our own individuality. However, if someone is too rebellious, often this can actually become predictable. As whatever you say or do, they will simply disagree and do something else. Rather than thinking differently, they are using you or the norm as a benchmark, and then they will purposely avoid doing the norm.

I believe it’s much more useful to pursue your own way of being. You do not always need to specifically avoid doing what other people do in order to be different. Enough people do this to where it is not very different at all, anyway. For example, how different do you think the rebellious teenager is who refuses to follow the rules – it’s quite common, isn’t it?

Rather, when you focus on being and becoming your true self as you are, there will always be something different about you than everyone else. You can allow this difference in you to shine, in order to think more differently.

 

Be the Difference Maker

First, I don’t know if I can teach anyone to think differently. Most people think in normal ways, most of the time. Personally, I don’t feel particularly skilled at different thinking, but enough people have noticed this from me that I must agree – it does seem that I think differently.

Thinking or being different is not good in itself, of course. What matters is what we do with this. First, consider if it’s worth thinking more differently in your life. Do you often find yourself stuck, or not knowing what to do? Different thinking may provide a path forward for you. Are you committed to resolving big, complex problems without any clear solutions? Different thinking could help.

As a human species, I sometimes feel like we are stuck, not having a good path forward to help us out of the big world problems we have created. I think that we need to value and promote our different thinkers now more than ever, as ultimately they will be the ones who make the difference. When these difference makers arise, the least we can do is pay attention and be open to what they have to say.

Think or Do Something Different Today

Today, work on thinking or doing something different.

If you have trouble thinking differently, you may wish to try doing something different than you normally would.

It’s actually quite easy:

Drive a different route to work

Start a conversation with someone new

Read a book you normally would not read

Get creative: write a story, draw something, make something

Listen to a speaker who holds completely different viewpoints from your own

Doing different things can help promote different thinking, which can help you to become the difference maker.

If you are curious about learning to think differently, I would particularly recommend reading The 7 Levels of Change: Different Thinking for Different Results by Rolf Smith.

Also, you may be interested in one of my books, Idea Hacks: Come up with 10X More Creative Ideas in 1/2 the Time

Are you Personally Fulfilled? (What is Success, Really?)

We tend to throw around words like “success” – and usually I think it is assumed that we are talking about bigger pay checks, faster cars, and gated communities. But is this really all there is to success, or is there something we are missing here?

Whenever someone mentions success, I always find myself thinking to myself:

What is success, really?

A study I read showed that college students tend to drink more alcohol than they would like, and this happens because they think everyone else is drinking a lot and enjoying it. Because of these perceptions, they feel like they should be drinking more and enjoying it. This ends up with college students drinking more than they would truly like – which perpetuates the idea that college students drink a lot and they like it.

Extrapolating from this, sometimes I wonder if a lot of people are chasing what they think other people view as success.

These perceptions of success are perpetuated in the news, media, social media, and so on. The idea that is created through this is that:

You should want conventional ideas of success for yourself, or something is wrong with you.

Some popular influencers will hire a model or rent fancy cars or actually create a background that makes it look like they are on a private jet. They will include these props in their supposedly real videos to create the illusion of success. Perhaps they all bought into the idea that they should want success, and perhaps they thought that by appearing to be successful, others would be more interested in them (thus, helping to actually make them successful).

For most people, is it more important to actually be successful, or are we just obsessed with the need to appear successful?

In life I think we are often presented with a choice. Will we allow others to impose their ideas on us, or will we take the time to think things through and form our own thoughts and ideas?

Consider: What is success to you?

To me, it’s not about the money, the houses, or even the appearances of having it.

At its most basic element, to me success is fulfillment.

So then, what is fulfillment?

You can be fulfilled in many different ways.

Purpose

One of the primary roads to fulfillment is to know what your purpose is. What do you find meaning from in your life? Many of us will find purpose through our work, helping others, improving ourselves, or raising children.

Physical (e.g., exercise and stamina)

We can find physical fulfillment through exercise, playing sports, or even just walking. Some people need more physical activity to feel fulfilled, and others can get by with less. However, a part of meeting our fulfillment will likely involve keeping ourselves in a good enough shape that we can be satisfied with and meet our other life goals.

Mental (e.g., intellectual, creative)

Mental fulfillment may be found through challenging yourself intellectually or creatively. Some people who always like to read, learn, or discuss interesting ideas will have a high need for mental fulfillment. We all have different needs in this regard too – some people may meet this by painting or drawing, and others may need a job that is mentally engaging to feel fulfilled. Some people need to change things up regularly – they may enjoy being with nature or traveling, or visiting museums and learning about different cultures.

Social (e.g., bonding, spending quality time, and emotional support)

Most of us interact with a variety of social circles regularly, such as family, friends, colleagues, and perhaps neighbors or other acquaintances. As I keep stating, we all have different needs in this regard. Some people only need a few friends to feel fulfilled, and others will need many more. In general we all need to engage with some people in order to feel whole. In the end, this is likely because our individuality happens in the context of the people around us (e.g., how can you be the shy one or the funny one if there is no one else there?)

Spiritual (and mental health / mental balance)

Some people may not like the term spiritual if you do not relate to it, but in that case you can simply view this as mental health and balance. There are may ways to pursue this, of course. Some have prayer, meditation, yoga, or positive thinking. Some people may explore their thoughts and beliefs through journaling their personal journey. Of course, one way to strive for spirituality and mental balance is to make sure to pursue all the other ways toward fulfillment – purpose, physical, mental, social, and values. For me, spirituality also involves considering my personal role in the whole universe, and how I interconnect with everyone and everything.

Living By Your Values

It makes perfect sense to me that in order to be fulfilled, you must know your highest values and live according to them. If you are not living according to what you think is most important, then how could you possibly be fulfilled?

To help you brainstorm which values are most important to you, here is a list of 50 core values from James Clear’s website.

My core values are truth, balance, love, knowledge, and transference – which I discussed more deeply in this post - The Path to a True and Fruitful Life.

Final Thoughts

True success lies in fulfillment. To recap, the ways to fulfillment are by pursuing your purpose, and also physically, mentally, socially, spiritually, and living by your values.

Before you go, consider these questions:

How fulfilled are you in your life?

What can you do to become more fulfilled?

Is there something in your life you can let go of, which has not properly fulfilled you?

Did fulfillment mean something completely different for you?

Dealing with Resistance

How do you deal with it when you feel a heavy resistance in you, of not wanting to move forward with your current life path?

You may find that you live for the weekends, or that you are often bored or miserable in your daily tasks. Perhaps you want a short break, a vacation, or to forget about your life altogether.

When we meet this resistance, where we have been assigned task after task that we are not prepared for, or which we have no interest in, then what can we do?

The first thing we will probably do is try to push through it. Your instinct is to keep going even when you don’t want to, right? You may think that sometimes you can just fight your way through the resistance, perhaps even ignoring that it exists.

But usually we will push through, and then we’re met with more and more resistance. You may even come to feel like a heavy, powerful force is holding you back. This becomes a force that is outside of your control – and you can only react to it.

You cannot tell the resistance to go away. The more you want it to go away, the stronger it gets.

When the resistance is strong enough, we cannot focus properly, and we will make mistake after mistake in our work. Our tasks will all be done without motivation, and the results will show. After a certain point, some of us may begin to feel guilty, as if we are failing to accomplish something. The resistance is at fault, yet we feel guilty for not moving forward as we are supposed to.

Perhaps your boss or colleagues are becoming aware that something is wrong - you are not working as efficiently as you used to. They may confront you about this, but in the end they probably don’t want to hear about your “resistance” or personal problems. They just want you to get the work done.

This is the time to go home and reflect.

Is the type of task you are facing simply boring and unfulfilling? Are you being led in a way that does not work for you? We have to identify what the problem is – why are we facing this powerful resistance?

Is there a lack of meaning in what you do? Does it feel like you are just filling time with things to do, rather than having a deep purpose in your actions? Did you enjoy these tasks at one point – but now you simply don’t?

After you have reflected, consider all of your options. Often, our first reaction is to plow through. Then when that doesn’t work, we become frustrated with ourselves and begin to feel like failures. Then upon reflection, we may feel that there is a real problem, but perhaps we do not know how to fix it.

What if you can’t fix the problem that is giving you this resistance, because it’s out of your control?

Maybe the boss decides your tasks and he won’t be interested in hearing about your troubles. He wants the work done, and he doesn’t care about anything else.

Rather than pushing forward or giving up, perhaps there are ways to pivot. Maybe you can find a way to do your work in a different way that is more interesting or meaningful.

Perhaps you are stuck in resistance because you have decided that you must do your work in one specific way, and that way is not working for you. Maybe there is another way for you to meet your objectives, where you can possibly even have fun or challenge yourself in a way that motivates you.

Of course if you try these options and the resistance rises up again, sometimes the resistance is telling us that we are on the wrong path.

After a certain point, you may be faced with a key choice – continue on your path, and continue to face the resistance day after day, perhaps even year after year, or seek another way.

Some people fear change, or the opinions of others, and so they may choose the path of resisting themselves year after year. You will see the wear and tear on their faces as the seasons pass.

Understand that the resistance isn’t truly coming from outside of us, from your boss or from your work obligations. In the end, it is coming from within you. A force inside of you is telling you “This isn’t working.” This is just a signal that it is time to change something in your life. You may need a new job, relationship, a new place to live, or you may just need to leave the situation that led up to all this resistance within you.

As a caveat to walking away from the resistance, consider this. Before you give up on something, ask yourself if you are just looking for the easy road, or if there is something truly wrong with the scenario. In life we should not give up too easily, but some things are indeed worth giving up on. Some resistances empower us and help us to grow and improve, and others hold us back, keeping us from becoming our best selves.

If you find yourself resisting something that is ultimately good for you, then be prepared to let down your guard and take in the experience. However, when you are resisting something that is robbing your time, energy, and life, then it is time to consider another route.

Seek Practical Knowledge

Reflecting on some of what I learned in school, I feel that often the material was either not practical, or the case was not made for how the information could be used in a practical way.

I can only imagine that if we examine aboriginal societies, that they would laugh in amusement at any ideas that would not be concrete and immediately applicable. Their societies are concerned with daily survival and needs, so it would probably be seen as a waste of time to speculate on ideas that are not easily testable, or which cannot be applied for some benefit.

Aboriginal societies may be guided by the actual stars in the sky, yet likely be unaware of their chemical composition. A schooled adult from the West, however is much more likely to know that stars are mostly made up of hydrogen, yet have no understanding of how to navigate using the night sky.

Personally, I enjoy the world of ideas and abstractions, but perhaps we need to return our focus to information we can use in a more practical way.

Practical knowledge can help with many different aspects of life, such as: survival, developing useful skills, achieving more of a big picture understanding, finding meaning in what we learn, and developing an understanding of how to approach a variety of problems.

Surely more themes could fall under the umbrella of practical knowledge, as the key point is that this is information that you can use to help yourself or to help those around you. The understanding is not simply theoretical, but applicable. And of course, practical knowledge should be shown to work through experience – if it does not work as expected, then ultimately it is not practical.

In school, many topics are split up – such as science, reading, math, and so on. But in real life, you may face problems daily which intertwine with a variety of topics. It can make sense to learn some of these topics independently in school in order to master them. But when we face real life problems which are more complex, we may find that we lack awareness on how to approach them.

School is meant to prepare us for life or at least work, but both domains involve practical and applied situations for the vast majority of people.

Growing up, my father often made comments about “common sense” – he would say that people don’t have it anymore. I suspect it’s not something that was ever taught. Likely it was a way of thinking and learning that people needed to have in order to succeed at home, life, and work – especially as my father grew up in Mexico in the 1950s (and his young adulthood was spent in the US in the 60s).

Basically, it seems that in a prior era, people learned how to deal with a variety of life problems - and this type of skill has largely been lost. We are now highly specialized. For the most part, people are satisfied with only knowing how to do one job (or at least how to operate within one main field). But in the past, people needed common sense in order to be more self-reliant - small communities could figure out typical problems on their own without needing to call a specialist.

To me, Common Sense and Practical Knowledge essentially mean the same thing.

Keep in mind that if we go to school and learn how to deal with artificially constructed “book” problems, then that does not necessarily mean we will be ready to tackle real world problems.

As a basic example, with a book problem the resources are irrelevant. Yet in real life, resources are fundamental. For example, if I know that I need a screw driver to construct a piece of furniture, then if I don’t have that screw driver, I must acquire one, or at least consider alternative resources I could use. With a book problem, it is usually assumed that the resources do not matter, or that you have all the resources you need to solve the problem. Also, perfect circumstances are generally assumed for book problems, but in real life while you’re working on one problem, new and sometimes bigger problems develop. And you must react in real time or risk causing even bigger problems.

When I was growing up, sometimes my father would ask me about the simplest of life problems. His tests were not theoretical. They would involve an actual problem right in front of us, something in the house or in the backyard, or that involved some piece of equipment not working properly, perhaps.

Inevitably, I would not have a clue as to how to resolve the problem.

Then he would show me a simple solution that simply had not occurred to me. The problem wasn’t really that I didn’t know the answer – but that perhaps a schooled child or young adult should have built a framework for dealing with unexpected problems. Yet, this way of thinking or “common sense” seemed to be lacking.

What is the value of only knowing how to solve clearly explained problems that are in one specific domain? Real life does not work that way. Often, there is a problem and no one has properly defined it. So we must define it for ourselves. To me, that is a simple skill that was never taught. Perhaps it can’t be taught – but somehow I doubt that.

Any time someone has said that something could not be taught, instructors or academics ended up designing training programs that showed you can probably teach anything. Likely, people become convinced that something cannot be taught when the domain has not been properly articulated – through research, books, or training programs. Imagine trying to learn about body language in a time before anyone had actually explicitly identified the main patterns of body language in humans. Having to teach yourself is much different than being able to learn from someone who knows.

Perhaps some students do well when learning about artificial problems, but others could learn much better by examining real life problems. The problems could be ones which have already been solved in the past by others, but which the students have never solved for themselves. If it’s a new and practical problem for the student, that is all that matters.

As a basic example, some students may prefer to learn math and physics by playing with clocks or machinery. This would be more interesting, engaging, and practical than working on book problems.

If a teacher is reading, I am sure you may think that you did make it a point to tell your students how your topic applied to the real world. However, sometimes this is not enough. Students who are learning may need to directly apply their knowledge to the real world for it to have meaning.

A variety of studies show that students forget most of what they learn. Perhaps what people learn should have personal meaning to them. And for it to have personal meaning, perhaps it should be practical and applicable knowledge.

However, I understand why teachers and the educational system in general stick to book problems. It is more practical for them – as they can cover more topics in less time, and not have to add resources to the budget.

Sometimes my book learning has even interfered with my understanding of something in the real world. This has been a recurrent mantra in my life, where I have received messages like this: “What you learned in school won’t help you here,” or “What you learned in school was wrong. Actually it works like this…”

Of course, there is no reason we must choose between school and seeking practical knowledge. Perhaps we go to school to learn how to deal with “book problems,” but then we need to spend some of our own time on gaining practical knowledge outside of school. The best way to do this is probably to learn from people who have acquired a lot of practical knowledge themselves.

Sometimes we view practical problems to be at a lower level, but this is a mistake. If you spend enough time in school, college, or graduate school (as I have), practical problems are often cast aside as being irrelevant. Today, if a practical problem arises, or if you see someone working on one - take some interest and see if you can learn something new.

“I Don’t Understand”

When someone tells you about a difficult situation or experience they’ve gone through, no one wants to be the one who thinks or says “I don’t understand.”

We would rather say – “I see,” or “I know how you feel.” However, this is unlikely to help anyone if you do not actually understand what someone is going through.

Personally, I deeply want to understand, but I have seen that often times I do not truly know what someone else is going through.

We often hear that the first step toward solving a problem is in admitting that there is a problem. This makes sense, but what is the second step?

In many cases, the second step may be acknowledging that you do not understand the problem or situation. Sometimes the greatest obstacle to understanding is actually thinking that you understand something. Then when you expect something to work in a certain way and it does not, you are just left confused. Many of us will keep proceeding to try to resolve a problem, using our faulty understanding – and we will keep failing. In such cases, thinking we understand keeps us from making progress.

Let’s consider people’s life experiences – do we truly understand them?

Some experiences are so general that we have all had them in some way.

We have all been hurt in some way. And we have all felt a variety of emotions such as anger, fear, love, joy, embarrassment, pride, and so on.

Yet, we have also all had our own unique experiences that are different from everyone else’s.

Imagine someone who is drained, who has pushed himself to the limits every day – working two full time jobs, parenting young children, and barely having time to eat, sleep, or go to the restroom during the day. Perhaps he is beyond the point of exhaustion, wanting to take a break but simply not having that option. He needs the jobs to support his family – and he believes that to do anything differently would be irresponsible.

If this person comes to me and shares his life experiences, it’s quite easy for me to use the words:

“I understand.” It even feels natural, as if that is what I am supposed to say.

However, it’s not true. And unfortunately it’s not even helpful to this person, because it will be obvious to him that I could not possibly understand.

I have certainly worked hard and I have even felt overworked, overstressed, and overburdened at times. But I have never been in the situation of needing to work multiple jobs in order to support a family – and I have certainly never felt that there was no option available to take a different path in my life. I have never lived one day in that type of lifestyle. So how could I possibly understand someone who was truly living that life every day?

If he were to explain his life to me, then empathy and imagination could help me to gain some comprehension of what he is going through. But it may not give me a true understanding of his life.

Out of necessity in his life, he may skip lunch in order to commute from one job to the next. He may feel forced into neglecting his kids, since he needs to work the hours he does in order to help support them. He may be past the point of exhaustion every single day, where he feels like a zombie going through the motions, rather than a true human being. Perhaps he needs someone to talk to or to help him, but he spends all his time working and helping his family, and he rests very little.

These are life experiences where I don’t think you can truly understand them unless you have lived them.

Similar things can be said for various kinds of trauma. I have had my own difficult and challenging experiences in my life, but some people have experienced deep traumas that surpass any troubles I may have gone through.

Recently, when someone was telling me about his troubling life experiences, I found myself saying “I understand.” Calmly, he told me that “you don’t understand.” And he was right. Certain experiences are too difficult to explain, and even more difficult to truly understand.

Sometimes all we can do is listen, or attempt to gain some awareness of what someone has gone through, while admitting that we do not truly understand.

This lack of understanding is not a failure. It is actually a true step forward in your growth when you can admit this. When you can understand that you do not understand, you will be able to come to a more truthful place with yourself and the people around you.

At the heart of it, feeling the need to say “I understand” to everything is untruthful. Just because we want to understand does not mean that we do.

In general in your life, the awareness of not understanding will help you to see that there is always so much room to grow.

Arrogance and ignorance make for the worst combination of all. This would mean that you think you know it all, yet you know very little. We must avoid this.

Instead we should be humble, aim to understand that there is much we do not understand, and hope to grow and understand just a little bit more, day by day.

If you want to get closer to people in your life and build meaningful connections, you will get there more efficiently when you admit that you do not understand their experiences fully. This will open up a window into true understanding.

Stop Thinking on Autopilot – 8 Tips to Wake Your Mind

Thinking is an interesting activity, because it seems to be done on our own, yet we also borrow thoughts from the people around us. Sometimes if we are not careful, we may be borrowing other people’s thoughts too heavily, rather than thinking on our own.

One of the worst things we can do is assume that our thinking is perfectly fine. There is always something we can do to improve the way that we think. And of course, the way that we think tends to influence our actions in the real world.

Our thoughts and the way we think are quite important, yet often we don’t give this idea much thought - the irony.

If you think on autopilot, you may also take action on autopilot, and you may be barely conscious of your life, and not fully even realize this. This autopilot life is something we must learn to overcome by focusing on our thinking.

I believe we all think on autopilot at least some of the time – but fortunately this post will help us to snap out of it.

Initially, I wanted to make this post about Critical Thinking – but I believe these are actually some of the fundamental thinking principles you need before you can develop into a critical thinker.

Let’s begin.

1. Get a Different Point of View

By being in your mind and body, you usually just have your own point of view to judge things. This can lock you into one way of thinking. Rather, it will help grow your thinking abilities if you expose yourself to different cultures, backgrounds, and belief systems. You should seek to empathize and try to deeply understand how different people work and think. In time, you will find that your way of thinking is not single right way to think.

Example: If your friend tells you that Native Americans exhibit a wide variety of negative qualities, you can assume that he is correct, or you can read stories and view documentaries that are told from the perspective of Native Americans. You may even choose to interview or communicate with a Native American – but only do so if you are open to new ways of perceiving.

 

2. Test Your Assumptions

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again - we all make assumptions. I assume every day that the floor I walk on will not break under me. We must make some assumptions just to live a normal life. However, for important parts of our lives, we should learn to test our assumptions.

Even when you have information from a reliable source, or a source that you trust, test it anyway. Avoid assuming that something is true just because one person or one source told you. You can test it by comparing it to other reliable sources, or perhaps by checking for yourself if the information is actually valid.

Example: If my wife tells me that she turned off all the stove burners, I may check on them just to make sure, before we go to bed. For information that can impact your life, it’s worth checking on those assumptions.

 

3. Ask Yourself – Who Does This Information Benefit?

Nations build up convenient stories that view themselves in a positive light and view their rivals in a negative way. This may be the same with rival groups or organizations. This can also happen with individuals who end up developing an animosity toward each other.

Understand that people tend to focus on information that makes them feel good. When you read information, and it seems to make someone feel good, likely at the expense of others, then you have to start thinking for yourself.

When it is clearly in someone’s benefit that you believe something, you should take extra caution, take a step back and reconsider how accurate this source is.

Example: Next time you hear biased reporting, where every word seems to benefit one group and somehow puts down another group, ask yourself who this is benefiting. Is the information coming from a place where people just want to feel good about themselves (or to get their audience to feel good about themselves), or are they truly focused on accurate reporting?

4. Come to Your Own Conclusions

When you read or listen to the news the next time, don’t listen to the conclusions that writers or reporters come to. Pretend that you can’t hear it, or simply skip over it. Instead, listen to the facts and the line of reasoning. Then, come to your own conclusions.

You may find that often enough, the conclusions you hear are there to gain people’s attention. The world operates in a way where the more eyes you get on your material, the more money you make. So it is in the news or different agencies benefit if they come to wild conclusions. Those wild conclusions tend to get shared more, incentivizing these agencies to make wilder statements more and more often. Basically, stop trusting the conclusions so much, and stick to the facts.

You can come up with your own conclusions since you have your own mind.

Example: Watch YouTube clips of news reporting - just the part where they focus on facts. List out any facts that are mentioned, and then come up with your own conclusions based on those facts. Then listen to their conclusions. Compare your conclusions to the ones they come up with. Then ask yourself if you had not done this exercise, would their conclusions have left a greater impact on you? (Perhaps they resorted to name calling or personal attacks that were not relevant based on the facts.)

5. Be Open to the Possibility of Being Wrong

Many of us make up our minds about something, and simply refuse to consider that we could be wrong. But we should be more open to that idea.

We should learn to pay more attention to whether the “facts” are actually true and correct, then whether the line of reasoning is actually correct, and then whether the conclusions someone comes to make sense based on the facts and the line of reasoning.

At any point in the process, anyone could be wrong. Are your facts wrong? Is your line of reasoning wrong? Are your conclusions wrong? Even if parts of this chain or process are exaggerated or mistaken, then it calls everything into question.

Example: Practice listening to people who have different beliefs or points of view – you can do this with blogs or YouTube. Instead of dismissing their perspective entirely, try to listen to it and consider it in a fair way. Begin with sources or people you may generally disagree with, and which are open, fair, and reasonable in how they talk about issues. Avoid sources that are overly biased and vitriolic – at least when you are beginning.

 

6. Learn How to Separate Fact from Fiction

To avoid thinking on autopilot, you should develop better systems for figuring out what is true, and what is untrue. This can involve asking yourself a variety of questions such as: “Could your senses be deceiving you?”, “Is the source biased,” and “Are they speaking without substance?”

Fortunately, you can learn these tips and much more via a short Free eBook titled What is True? (and What is NOT True) if you sign up here.

7. Learn Something Every Day

A great way to avoid autopilot thinking will be to get into the habit of learning something regularly. There is no good excuse to avoid learning. Most of us make time to get on social media and watch TV and keep up with the news, so we can probably make time to learn something new and meaningful every day.

When you learn more, it becomes difficult for someone to influence you with “facts” that have no basis in reality, or a line of reasoning that is faulty, or conclusions that do not make sense. The more you learn, the more you will realize when you have been given information that doesn’t seem right, and deserves to be more properly investigated. If you do not know very much, any piece of information will seem plausible, and so you will not know what is worth investigating more deeply.

Example: You can learn by reading blogs or books, engaging in new activities, visiting museums, taking a course (there are plenty of free ones online), listening to podcasts, or finding a tutor or mentor. There are so many ways to learn that you should be able to find something that appeals to you. I would simply urge you to learn from expert sources that are based on experience, science, or reason.

 

8. Don’t Base Your Whole Identity on Another Person or Organization

A problem I often see is that people begin to base their whole identity on a particular person, group, or organization. This can be problematic because if this happens you will feel the need to agree with everything that this person or group believes in. Instead, consider that just because you agree or believe in many things that someone else does, does not mean that you are the same. You are allowed to be the same in some ways, and different in some ways.

We should always maintain some kind of independence in our thinking. The way we think should be our own – we can be influenced or guided by others – but there is no reason why you must automatically absorb all the ways of thinking that come from a particular person or group.

Example: If you want to join a group, make it clear that you think for yourself and do not need anyone else to do your thinking for you. You should not feel pressured into agreeing or believing everything that they do. If they are unhappy with this, then it is not a group that you need in your life. If a group wants control over everything you do, including your thoughts, then the connotations here are quite negative – this can be associated with cults or brainwashing, for example.

Otherwise, if you are following someone or a group too closely, take a step back and ask yourself what you really think. Do you truly agree with everything they do, or was it just convenient for you to agree so you wouldn’t need to think things through on your own.

Recommended Readings

The 5 Elements of Effective Thinking by Edward Burger and Michael Starbird

Teach Yourself to Think by Edward de Bono

The Art of Thinking Clearly by Rolf Dobelli

How Not to Be Wrong by Jordan Ellenberg

The Stuff of Thought by Steven Pinker

Post-Truth by Lee McIntyre

Blindspot by Mahzarin Banaji

The 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene

Influence by Robert Cialdini

The 7 Levels of Change by Rolf Smith

The Neurogenesis Diet and Lifestyle by Brant Cortright

The Secret Principles of Genius by I. C. Robledo

The Insightful Reader by I. C. Robledo

Who Are You Following?

Most of us are following someone or some type of group in our lives. As humans, we have strength in numbers and so it is natural for us to belong to a group, or to a variety of groups.

There are all kinds of groups – your country of origin or ethnicity, age group, hobbies, religion, politics, ethical beliefs, athleticism, occupation, income, and so on.

Take a moment to consider who you are following in this life. Some of the groups you fall in may not be so important to you, but others may have a major influence over your life.

Ask:

What are the groups and leaders that act as a guiding force on your life?

Following is not bad, just as leading is not bad, but we should question: whether you are following or leading, what exactly is the destination of your group?

Are you truly motivated to work toward some kind of betterment, or are you just motivated to live life as a sport where winning is the only true goal?

Are you motivated to think for yourself, or just to have someone conveniently lay out a plan of action that you can follow without much thought?

Does it matter that what you do is right and good, or are you fine with anything as long as your group is winning and gaining advantages?

Some of us have lost sight of what is important.

We have decided that winning is all that matters. Or we have decided that having our group like and approve of us is what truly matters. We have come to think that if something makes us feel good, then it is good. And this is not necessarily the case.

We must think deeper.

At the end of the day, are we truly doing what is right?

A good follower should still be able to lead his own mind, and does not need a leader to tell him what to think. We should not follow blindly, but use the mind and heart we have to come to our own conclusions.

Ask if your mind is on autopilot, where you hear something from your group, and you automatically assume it to be true and valid, without properly considering alternatives. When this happens, people will echo the same thoughts over and over, making them appear to be true and valid even if they are not. From there, if the group is influential enough, major world actions can be implemented, such as encouraging people to be harassed or bullied, changing the laws, and in the most extreme cases even war or a great divide, without a good and justifiable reason.

Some people or groups want us to believe something, and so they will spread the information (or misinformation) that benefits their cause, even if it is misguided or untrue.

Today, consider this:

Are you going to lead yourself, or be led any way that your groups want to take you?

Are you going to consider the “facts” for yourself, or allow someone else to compile them, analyze them, and then sell you the story that they want you to believe?

You have the right to follow any leader or group you like, but take some time to think for yourself – no one else should do your thinking for you.

Tomorrow’s post will cover some tips and tools for better thinking.

Take a Breath

Take a slow and deep breath in and out right now and see how it feels.

It feels good, doesn’t it? We should do it more often with conscious awareness.

Taking a breath can help avoid some tricky situations, as it provides an action that gives you a few seconds to relax and stop reacting to what is happening to you as if you were a machine.

I think we could all use this reminder to take a breath. Perhaps you’ve heard it before. Perhaps someone has told you to do this and you thought it was silly. Today, try it out anyway and see what happens (especially if you didn’t do it above):

Take a Breath

Today, before you respond to hate with hate, take a breath.

Before you respond to toxicity with toxicity, take a breath.

Before you respond to someone who exaggerates or misrepresents the facts by doing the same thing yourself, take a breath.

Before you allow yourself to get triggered by the statements you read online, take a breath. And if this happens a lot, maybe take a break from visiting those sites.

Before you make someone feel inferior or as if they are not important, take a breath.

Before you think you know it all, and that someone else knows nothing, take a breath.

Before you feel the need to get back at someone who wronged you, take a breath.

Sure, life isn’t always that easy. But sometimes we are just making things harder than they have to be. Sometimes we can feel like we must react and respond to everything happening around us, but that isn’t true.

Keep in mind that getting into heated debates with people is not a game with any real winners.

We have to be willing to take a step back when someone makes a hurtful comment and think:

Does the commenter seem genuinely interested in having a calm and reasonable discussion? (He should not be obviously trying to provoke a reaction). If yes, proceed.

Does the comment have some truth or basis in reality? If yes, proceed.

Am I capable of having a reasonable discussion with this person? If yes, proceed.

Will I know when to walk away if this ends up being an attempt to trigger me into getting angry and upset? If yes, proceed.

These are very simple questions to ask yourself. If you cannot answer yes to all of these, then do not get involved with people who make hurtful or potentially triggering comments. What is the point in walking into situations that will make you angry, upset, and feeling foolish?

Many of us have become obsessed with needing to be “right,” and lost sight of whether being right even matters. If you “win” an argument by being toxic about it, then no one learns anything. You will just end up becoming more set in your ways, and so will the person you argue with. Nothing is accomplished – in fact, it makes things worse somehow.

So the next time you feel the need to be right, take a breath.

Anytime someone does or says something that may have been intended to provoke or upset you, just take a breath first.

Take more breaths in your day – nothing bad will come from it.

If someone asks why you are taking breaths, tell them it is to create a pause in between thought and action, or action and reaction, so that you can see and act with clarity. Encourage them to do it too.

Think – what would happen if the entire planet took a moment to take a breath at the same exact time? It would be a moment of peace and happiness, wouldn’t it?