Patti Doss's Blog, page 2

Book Reviews #2

This Is Just My Face; Try Not to Stare by Gabourey Sidibe

Around the Way Girl by Taraji P. Henson

Black Privilege: Opportunity Comes to Those Who Create It by Charlamagne Tha God

 

I’ve always been a reader, long before I became a writer, but lately I’ve been hit with a nonfiction bug and I have had some amazing reads thus far. I’ve read Kevin Hart’s I Can’t Make This Up: Life Lessons, Jenifer Lewis’s Mother of Black Hollywood, and within three days, I read Gabourey Sidibe’s, This is Just My Face, Try Not to Stare, Taraji P. Henson’s, Around the Way Girl, and Charlamagne Tha God’s Black Privilege: Opportunity Comes to Those Who Create it. The reviews for Kevin Hart and Jenifer Lewis’s book is in a previous blog, titled BOOK REVIEWS!

Up next is T.D. Jakes Instinct & Destiny as well as Gabrielle Union’s, We Are Going to Need More Wine & Tiffany Haddish’s The Last Black Unicorn.

Gabourey’s story was a powerful read.  Gabourey gives readers a look inside of her life before the fame, during the fame, and up to the present.  We all seen the movie, Precious and felt the power from the movie, mainly because of Gabourey’s performance.  I have only watched Precious once because although it is a fiction story, I cannot bear to watch it again in fear I’ll cry my eyes out and I hate to cry.

Most times we look at actors/actresses and it’s hard to see the real person behind the character. Some actors/actresses are so good at their job that it is impossible to separate the character from the person.  Gabourey’s story is an empowering one because even when the world wanted to make her into her character, she fought hard to maintain her own identity.  She found through depression, eating disorders, bullying, panic attacks, and diabetes.  That is a lot for any person to deal with and to know that she overcame her demons is very inspiring to millennials that may be dealing with the same thing.  I have no doubt that her book will help some young black girl dealing with her weight, depression, anxiety, bullying, or a fear of just not being good enough.   The best thing about her book is that it’s so real and so relatable. It’s not spruced up with Hollywood effects to sound better or be better. This is her story, her truth, and she tells it raw and uncut!  I recommend this read especially if you have trouble separating Gabourey from her first character, Precious. Take a moment to get to know the real Gabourey, just don’t call her Gabby!

Taraji’s story was a mix between how to become a great actress and how to accomplish your dreams while being a single mother. Her memoir gives readers a look inside her life growing up in a single-parent household to her struggles as a single mom to her big break in show business. She shows how her larger than life personality, tough father, and her sweet mother built her into the woman she is today. There is a constant theme in her memoir and that is a lesson she learned from her father, don’t let fear stop you from reaching your goals! By facing her fears head-on, she eventually grew into the talented actress we watch on the big screen, and the loving mother that we read about. Taraji’s give hope to aspiring actors and actresses as well in her memoir with the notion that no matter how easy it may seem there will always be bumps in the road.  From dealing with unequal pay between woman and men to being judge for being too edgy(ghetto) or too urban (black), Taraji encourages readers to be themselves and to once again don’t let fear stop them.  Taraji’s memoir literally takes us on a ride from her start in the arts to her life as the talented actress that we know and love today!  Her larger than life personality shines through in every role that she plays, and it shined through in her novel. I recommend this book, wholeheartedly especially for any aspiring actors/actresses, but for any single-parent or black woman that feel like giving up because of all the responsibilities in her life.  DO NOT LET FEAR STOP YOU FROM REACHING YOUR GOALS! SPEND TIME ON YOUR DREAMS OR END UP WORKING FOR SOMEONE ELSE’S DREAM!!!!

Charlamagne! Charlamagne! Charlamagne! Let me just say, I am now and probably will forever be a Charlamagne fan! I knew of Charlamagne, but I didn’t really know Charlamagne or his story. I’m not a big hip-hop fan (yes, I know that may be a big taboo, seeing how I am black, but I’m just not a big follower of rap/hip-hop) Anyway, I knew that Charlamagne had a big mouth, because he was always in the news for something he said about someone on the radio. When the beef with birdman came out, although I didn’t know Charlamagne, I was glad that he was saying what everyone was afraid to say about Birdman. I admired how he did not back down from what he said and stood by what he said repeatedly. I loved that about him. Probably because I saw a little bit of me in that moment. If I say something, I’ll say it again because that’s how I felt about the situation at the moment. It wasn’t until I read his book that I realized he is a true Cancer just like me and we have the same birthday (birthday twins, yasss! Okay, that was childish, but that was so cool to find out) Anyway, let’s get to review!

This book was amazing! I give it 10 out of 5 stars! That’s how much I enjoyed this book! Charlamagne is spitting knowledge in this book and if you didn’t believe it before, by the end of reading this book, you felt your black privilege come into place. Charlamagne using a language and analogies that anybody can relate to whether you are rich, poor, black, white, blue, or brown (of course, there are no blue people, you get the point, I’m trying to make). By the end of this book, you feel like Luke Cage, Black Lightning, or Storm. You feel your super powers that have been stagnant inside of you start to come to the forefront. Charlamagne lays out eight principles that you must have to tap into your black privilege and although the titles are a little eclectic to some, I think they are brilliant, because again he uses a language that resonates with the readers.

The eight principles are:

It’s not the size of the pond, but the hustle in the fish. Basically, this means that you must believe in your greatness no matter where you are from, whether it’s a small town, big city, or etc. If you believe that you can make it there, you can make it anywhere.
PYP: Pick your passion, poison, or procrastination. PYP means we have the power to pick things that manifest our passions, or we can pick things that are poison to us and hinder our passion or growth. We can be fully aware of our passions, but get caught up in procrastination, focusing on things that not only hinder our growth, but take us away from our passions.
Fuck your dreams. Being honest, I loved this principle (maybe it’s the Cancer in me or maybe it because it’s a brutally honest principle that not enough people say) Fuck your dreams simply mean that if it’s not YOUR dream, then it will never prosper. If you follow YOUR dream, you’re going to find success, but you can’t find success trying to live someone else’s dream. What works for someone else, will not work for you if it’s not your passion.
There are no losses in life, only lessons. Another one of my favorite principles. So many times, black people have a tenacity to linger on the woe is me emotions about life or opportunities. We see loss as a dead end, but Charlamagne breaks it down in a language that many will understand that there is a lesson in everything. You just must pay attention long enough to see the blessing hidden in the storm.
Put the weed in the bag. Another favorite (okay, yeah, they all are my favorites, but the unique, tell-it-like-it-is principle titles are funny!) So, although, I’m not familiar with the manufacturing of weed (yes, I know, another weird statement from a black girl; but trust not everyone is from the streets or be around dope houses all their lives, IJS) Anyway, this principle basically states that you must start someone where. You can’t walk into the dope game and become a kingpin! No, sometimes you start out as just a runner (yes, I know what a runner is. Just because I didn’t grow up around it, don’t mean I’m illiterate on the subject), then you advance to weed man, maybe selling a joint here or there, maybe a dime bag or two, then maybe you advance up the ladder, but the most important thing is that you must work your way up the ladder and reaching your dreams and goals are no different from aspiring to be a kingpin in the drug game. You must start at the bottom and work your way up. Yes, the pay if any will probably be shitty, but you must be willing to deal with that shitty pay or no pay at all to get you to a point where your dreams can manifest themselves and then you have the power to negotiate your pay! Like Charlamagne says, “You have to put the weed in the bag!” There is no way around this step! You must put in the work!
Live your truth. You know those aspiring rappers that claim to be hard, the ones that talk about the street life, but you know they not about that life, that they are just mimicking what other rappers talk about, that’s not living your truth; that’s chasing a somebody else’s dream, which you should then return to principle #3! If you live in your truth, nobody can ever take that away from you! If you live your truth, then no one can hurt you with a lie!
Give people the credit they deserve for being stupid. (Okay, I’ll admit I couldn’t help but think of his donkey of the day segment, lol) but that is not what this principle is about. This principle is about thinking you know it all is a sure-fire way to stop your growth from your passion. The thirst for knowledge should be infinite. You should always be willing to grow more in your passion and if you ever reach a place, where you feel as if you know it all then you are not growing and anything that is not growing is dying.
Access your black privilege! Kill the WOE IS ME! If we are to succeed as a black woman or black man in America, we must get out of the thinking that America is oppressing us and start focusing on our own privilege. I’m reminded of a quote from Madea (aka Tyler Perry) “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to!” The only way we can lose in America is if we allow the people that are trying to hold us back, to think that they are correct. If we believe we are beneath them then that’s how they will treat us. If we believe that we are inferior, then somehow, we do become inferior that’s why positive thinking and principle #4 comes into place.

I truly loved this book, and this is a book, I will be adding to my collections!   I am definitely #teamCharlamagne!

Although Gabourey’s book is the story of her life, it is an inspiring memoir to people that have had to deal with bullying and mental illness. Charlamagne and Taraji’s book although meant to be memoirs became more than just a story of their lives! Their books inspire the reader to tap into their own memoir and begin to write the pages of their lives. If you want to be an actor/actress, I suggest you read Taraji’s book. Regardless of what you aspire to be in life, I suggest reading Charlamagne’s book! Trust me, it is not just about hip-hop or radio! There are some profound messages in this book that can inspire a nation! Don’t take my word for it, read the books yourself and see what I mean. Again, I truly recommend all three of these books!

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Commitments

[image error]First Sunday of 2018

I normally don’t blog my notes from church, but the message from my church this past Sunday really touch me. Not saying all service messages escape me, but this one really was speaking to me and I honestly believe that this message was for me.  This past Sunday, my pastor preached about commitment.  Being a new year, many people have committed to making changes on their quest to become a better person. I have never been one to make new year resolutions only to forget them by February. I just always strive to be better and to do better than I had the year before.  The theme of Sunday’s message was simply ‘You have to learn how to deal with disappointments if you want to stay committed to something because there will be some disappointments and how you respond to disappointment will determine how successful you are!’

Here are my notes in its entirely….

Scriptures 2Kings 5:1     2Cor 4:8-10

2018 is the year of new beginning or a fresh start because the number 8 is symbolic of beginnings.  This year commit to finishing something. Don’t let the devil distract you from your commitment.  A commitment is a firm decision to do something, but to be committed you are going to have to learn how to deal with disappointments. Disappointments are when your expectations for something fail.  How we deal with disappointments will determine our success or our level of commitment.  The devil will use our desires to distract us from being committed.  

There are many disappointments that happen in our lives, but the top three disappointments are people, ourselves, and GOD.  

-Sometimes we are disappointed by people. People will let you down and disappoint you. We set ourselves up for disappointment when we give god-like status to people in our lives.  The person who upsets you the most, is the person you’ve given god-like status to, whether it is a spouse, parent, friend, sibling, cousin, or boss.

-Sometimes we are disappointed by ourselves. Sometimes we make promises to ourselves without a plan or accountability and when it fails, we want to blame everyone but ourselves, but sometimes we make promises that God didn’t ordain. Sometimes we want things to happen in our lives that God did not say was going to happen. Don’t make promises to yourself that God didn’t give you!

-God. Yes, we can be disappointed in God.  Sometimes we must forgive God because we tend to harbor ill feelings towards God when our prayers go unanswered or when horrible things happen in our lives that we do not understand. Harboring those feelings can keep you from fully surrendering yourself to God. We must learn to forgive others, forgive ourselves, and forgive God if we want to stay committed. Walking in unforgiveness is a hinderance to our lives and a ploy of the devil to keep you from the will of God.

The way we respond to disappointment will determine how our life will go.  How successful are you at handling disappointments?  There should be a difference in how a child of God handles disappointment and how people in the world handles disappointment.  Are you acting a fool as soon as things don’t go your way, or do you continue to push through and accept that some things are beyond your control?

The devil will shake up your life by whatever upsets you the most. The very thing that your peace lies in is what the devil will use to interrupt your life!

2Kings 5: tells the story of Naaman’s disappointment about his healing.  Naaman had his healing played out in his mind.  He thought A, B, C, and D were going to happen. I thought his money would be enough to obtain his healing and that he was important enough to be treated special, but when his healing didn’t happen the way he expected it to, he was disappointed and in his disappointment, he almost missed his healing.

Some of us are like Naaman. We try to tell God how we want to do something, how we want things to work out, and God is telling us and trying to show us that it does not work that way.  We must tear up our plans for our lives and ask God to show us or help us recognize our purpose and plan.  Many of us can’t get to that point because how we react to disappointment is holding us back.  There are seven ways that people tend to deal with disappointment.

1. Bitterness

2. Confusion

3. Distraught

4. Loss of interest in the Word

5. Withdrawal

6. Depression

7. Suicidal 

  ***When he got to number five, something in my spirit moved and I know he was talking to me.  This past year, I lost interest in writing and anyone that knows me knows that I am a writer. It is a passion and I truly believe that it is my purpose, one of them anyway. But because I got disappointment in my literary journey, I became withdrawn. I closed myself off from all my literary sisters and connections. I basically disappeared. I even became depressed about it. I cut off so many people in my life, many who had never done anything too me. I was just disappointed in myself mostly and basically just suffered in silenced. Not knowing that I was stopping my own blessings, because many times God uses other people in our lives to bless us. I couldn’t get my blessings because I was having a hard time dealing with disappointment.  We never know who we are until after the test is over! We never know who we are until we are under pressure! It is when we are under pressure that we must stay resilient in the fight to be committed. ***

-Resilient people do not expect a trouble-free journey.

-Resilient people avoid self-pity and woe is me parties.

-Resilient people don’t allow unanswered questions to stop them on their journey.

-Resilient people maintain social connections and do not cut off connections.

-Resilient people realizes that people and situations change, but God does not change. 

-Resilient people look at life in the right perspective and they engage life

2 Corinthians 4:8-10: Victory is on the backside of every disappointment, so we must not give up!

As we go through 2018, let’s remember to be committed. Being committed requires a plan and accountability. Get you a plan. Set goals, hourly, daily, weekly, or monthly that will help you stay committed.  Get you a partner or establish connections with people that will hold you accountability when you start to slack off of your commitments. Let start building each other up and walking into all that God has in store for us. As I say, 2018 is the year to be EXQUISITE,  so let’s walk into our new beginning. God has given us another chance to get things right, let’s not waste it.  The richest place in the world is the cemetery because so many people have died with their purpose and passion instead of sharing it with the world.  What are you committing to? How will you handle disappointment on your commitment journey? Will your response be the same as the world or as a child of God? Only you can answer these questions. It’s never too late to start your commitment journey! 

Book Reviews

I Can’t Make This Up by Kevin Hart

Mother of Black Hollywood by Jenifer Lewis

Let me start off by saying, these books were AMAZING! They were funny, real, and raw but they also motivated and inspired you.

Being honest, I thought Kevin book would just be about his comedy and filled with lots of stupid skits and stuff, but boy was I wrong. His book motivated me so much to not give up on my dreams because they aren’t happening fast enough. Reading about how he dealt with so much adversity before finally catching his big break in the industry makes you appreciate his humility! It makes you understand him just a little bit more. Oh and the book was hilarious. I’m talking about side-hurting laughter. I would definitely recommend that you read this book. Here is an excerpt from his book:

Jenifer Lewis, everyone’s favorite Hollywood mom. Her book was amazing much like her big personality. The book did give a motherly vibe towards the end but at first, you are immediately thrust into her life, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I didn’t know she suffered from bipolar depression until I read this book. As someone who suffers from anxiety and depression (bipolar depression if you ask my husband, lol) her book gave me an inside look at someone else dealing with some of the things I have endured. She helped take the stigma away from mental illness. That may sound crazy but whether we want to admit it or not the world has this stigma attached to mental illness and baby Miss Lewis chops down that stigma like her high kick! The book was filled with all kinds of black girl magic. What I loved most about her book was her realness. Miss Lewis emptied her soul into this book! She didn’t try to sugarcoat the bad times in her life. She embraced it, gave it to you raw and uncut. You either appreciated it or hated it, but it’s her truth and she is telling the whole world. All I can say is I appreciate her realness because it taught me that even our mistakes makes us who we are. A wonderful read! Go get this book! Here is an excerpt from her book:

I guess I’m going through a memoir phase. I give both of these books

5

Growth…

I’m a little late writing my first blog of the year, but it’s not because I was depressed and that is a huge accomplishment. I can remember starting the new year depressed and afraid of what the year was going to bring, whether I brought the New Year in at church or at home, I still felt empty, afraid, and sad. While everyone was talking about changing and doing better, I was afraid of being stuck in the same place, dealing with the same thing; but we are only limited by our mindset. If you believe nothing will change, then nothing will change. We can read a million self-help books or make a hundred resolutions and nothing will change until we change our way of thinking. Your mindset is a very important tool and it can either help or hurt you, but if you really want to change, you have to change your mindset first!

I had to really just buckle down and realize that I only have one life to live and I cannot live it trying to always make other people happy, while killing my own self deep inside. 2017 taught me to put myself first. Not in a selfish way, but in a healthy way. I can’t help someone else if I can’t even help myself and I realized that there were a lot of people in my life that I had to let go of. Yes, it hurts but everyone just isn’t mean to go where God is leading you in life. Although, I’ve worked hard on my marriage and have written blog after blog, sought counseling, etc. I realized that sometimes no matter how much we want something to work, sometimes it is just not God’s plan. No matter how much time we have invested or how many years it’s been, sometimes it’s best to say goodbye, especially when only one person is willing to do the work to make it work. If both parties are not willing to make a marriage or relationship work then there is no point in hanging on… no matter how much you love that person.

2017 was also a year of self-reflection for me as I got a good, hard look at myself and I really did not like the person I saw. Although 2017 Patti was a lot better than 2016 Patti and 2015 Patti, she was still holding herself back, afraid to disappoint or hurt the people in her life. I soon realized that I had to eliminate some of the relationships in my life, some friends and family. As much as people claim to don’t mind losing friends or family, that’s not true. It hurt me to end some friendships and relationships, but no relationship whether familial or friendship should be one-sided and if you are in a one-sided relationship, get out now, because you will never win or gain anything meaningful from the relationship.

I’m still learning and I know I have a long way to go. I used to be so afraid to even think that my marriage was failing and that I was going to end up divorce. I was so afraid that I allowed myself to pretend that things weren’t that bad, that it was all in my mind, but it wasn’t all in my mind. I just overlooked the warnings. I was afraid of losing this invisible prize that the world had awarded me and my husband because we had been together so long, but longevity don’t make a relationship strong, right, or better than any other relationship. Again that’s something that I had to learn and still learning, but now I’m open to learning, whereas I used to shut down any opportunity to really learn about relationships and about myself, but once you recognize your worth, you refuse to continue to settle for less. This year, I vow to get all that is due to me. I vow to know my worth and never settle for less. It may end up with me being divorce and losing more friends, but mentally and physically, I’M PREPARED!

No new year’s resolution, just a promise to focus on myself and getting my life together!

Growth

First Blog of the Year…

 

I’m a little late writing my first blog of the year, but it’s not because I was depressed and that is a huge accomplishment. I can remember starting the new year depressed and afraid of what the year was going to bring, whether I brought the New Year in at church or at home, I still felt empty, afraid, and sad. While everyone was talking about changing and doing better, I was afraid of being stuck in the same place, dealing with the same thing; but we are only limited by our mindset. If you believe nothing will change, then nothing will change. We can read a million self-help books or make a hundred resolutions and nothing will change until we change our way of thinking. Your mindset is a very important tool and it can either help or hurt you, but if you really want to change, you have to change your mindset first!

I had to really just buckle down and realize that I only have one life to live and I cannot live it trying to always make other people happy, while killing my own self deep inside. 2017 taught me to put myself first. Not in a selfish way, but in a healthy way. I can’t help someone else if I can’t even help myself and I realized that there were a lot of people in my life that I had to let go of.  Yes, it hurts but everyone just isn’t mean to go where God is leading you in life.  Although, I’ve worked hard on my marriage and have written blog after blog, sought counseling, etc. I realized that sometimes no matter how much we want something to work, sometimes it is just not God’s plan. No matter how much time we have invested or how many years it’s been, sometimes it’s best to say goodbye,  especially when only one person is willing to do the work to make it work. If both parties are not willing to make a marriage or relationship work then there is no  point in hanging on… no matter how much you love that person.

2017 was also a year of self-reflection for me as I got a good, hard look at myself and I really did not like the person I saw. Although 2017 Patti was a lot better than 2016 Patti and 2015 Patti, she was still holding herself back, afraid to disappoint or hurt the people in her life. I soon realized that I had to eliminate some of the relationships in my life, some friends and family. As much as people claim to don’t mind losing friends or family, that’s not true. It hurt me to end some friendships and relationships, but no relationship whether familial or friendship should be one-sided and if you are in a one-sided relationship, get out now, because you will never win or gain anything meaningful from the relationship.

I’m still learning and I know I have a long way to go. I used to be so afraid to even think that my marriage was failing and that I was going to end up divorce. I was so afraid that I allowed myself to pretend that things weren’t that bad, that it was all in my mind, but it wasn’t all in my mind. I just overlooked the warnings. I was afraid of losing this invisible prize that the world had awarded me and my husband because we had been together so long, but longevity don’t make a relationship strong, right, or better than any other relationship. Again that’s something that I had to learn and still learning, but now I’m open to learning, whereas I used to shut down any opportunity to really learn about relationships and about myself, but once you recognize your worth, you refuse to continue to settle for less.  This year, I vow to get all that is due to me. I vow to know my worth and never settle for less. It may end up with me being divorce and losing more friends, but mentally and physically, I’M PREPARED!

No new year’s resolution, just a promise to focus on myself and getting my life together!

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“Un” Happy Holidays

Who knew a semicolon could mean so much?

Let’s admit it … The semicolon is the most hated form of punctuation it is. Mainly because people rarely use it correctly. Perhaps that’s why the semicolon was used as a symbol of mental illness(most commonly anxiety/depression).

The semicolon project started by Amy Bleul, a victim of physical/sexual abuse, self-harm and alcoholism. Bleul died in 2017 from suicide.

The semicolon project is an American mental health nonprofit organization that primarily functions as an anti-suicide initiative. It was founded in 2013, ten years after the death of her father by suicide.

The movement is dedicated to presenting hope and love for those who are struggling with mental illness, suicide, addiction and self-injury.

The movement have been known for encouraging people to tattoo the punctuation mark semicolon (;) onto their bodies as a form of solidarity between people dealing with mental illness or death of someone from suicide.

With the holidays fast approaching and the year conning to end, what should be the happiest time of the year can turn into theroughesttime of the year for some people. Mental illness tends to peak around the holidays. Stress, anxiety, and sadness from death or absence of loved ones make the holidays hard on people already dealing with mental illness.

Who knew a semicolon could affect people’s lives the way it has?

Not me.

When I first heard of the semicolon project it touched me deeply as a writer and more importantly as person who dealt with anxiety and depression. The slogan of the project, “Your story is not over!” Encourages hope in victims of mental illness and let them know they are not alone. Before I knew about the semicolon project, I rarely ever talked about my plight with anxiety/depression mainly because I was ashamed dye to ask the stigma surrounding mental illness. After the semicolon project took off, I didn’t feel so alone anymore. Reading the testimonies of people dealing with mental illness share their stories through the project gave me the strength to open up about my issues with mental illness. Today, I’m not afraid to speak about my anxiety or depression and I’m better able to deal with it or seek help when needed because I now know I’m not alone in my plight and that there is help available. I even got my semicolon tattoo to symbolize my story is not over. I will defeat anxiety and depression.

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There are many resources available to help prevent suicide and people having a hard time dealing with mental illness. The one that I found the most convenient and helpful to me was the Crisis Text Line

https://www.crisistextline.org/

Crisis Text Line is a free, 24/7 organization where individuals can text 741741 from anywhere in the USA to text with a trained crisis counselor.

Most people suffer in silence because they are afraid to talk to someone about their issues, especially teens and young adults. Since most teens and young adults spend majority of their time, being able to text takes away the stigma of having a mental illness and fear of getting help.

If you are experiencing any form of suicidal thoughts or dealing with anxiety, depression, or any other form of mental illness, please use the Crisis Text Line.

I used the text line before and it helped me tremendously. Talking to someone outside of the situation without judgment or fear of seeing a therapist made all the difference.

This holiday season let’s not forget about those suffering or dealing with sadness, anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, etc. Check on your loved ones and make sure they have access to the help available to them. Visit the elderly in your neighborhood. It really makes a difference.

Just remember sometimes a small act of kindness can be a life-changing event for someone dealing with depression!

Friends With Benefits…

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Seems easy enough, but just like the movie, some FWB don’t know how to disconnect their emotions from the situations.  So, what can you do, if anything, to prevent falling in love with your FWB?

Friends with Benefits are when two friends have casual sex without being emotionally involved or in any type of committed relationship.  There is a movie about FWB (Friends with Benefits) starring Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis, but to me, that movie is an example of what not to do with your friend with benefits.  Here are five things to consider when thinking of getting you an friend with benefits.

 

Choose the location of the FWB carefully

 

-Although the idea to choose a FWB that lives close seems like the perfect idea because he/she will always in reach, but that’s also the biggest reason not to do it. The risk for pop-ups and the need to spy on each other is too great and will definitely lead to problems. To avoid all of that, NEVER, EVER, pick someone that lives near you!

 

Choosing a FWB that associate with family and friends is a huge NO-NO

 

-We all know how judgmental and nosy family members and some friends can be, keep them out of your personal life by not mixing the two! Keep your family and FWB separate, it will save you so much grief and you will appreciate it later.

 

Once you have chosen your FWB, avoid being friends with each other on social media  

 

-The temptation to brag and boost about how great your FWB is, can be overwhelming at times, especially if he/she is putting it down, but resist the urge. FWB have no business being friends on social media, because once you get to scrolling, you may stumble on something that will hurt your feelings. In the words of Xscape, let them be your little secret.

 

FWB is not a relationship! Don’t catch feelings

 

-If you were single before, you are single during and after.  Establish rules from the start and do not cross them. A few rules to consider:

Never sleep over

No out of town trips

No spooning

No cuddling

No kissing.

No dates

 

Always, Always use protection.

 

-Don’t be trying to make  babies to trap the FWB

-Ladies, don’t be afraid to ask for protection or better yet, have your own. If he is not willing to wrap it up, then it’s time to find another FWB.

-Fellas, everything that’s cute is not clean! Wrap it up!

**BONUS: BEING FWB DOES NOT EQUAL MANDATORY SEX! Although, it is just a sex thing; you don’t have to have sex all the time. IF you don’t feel it like it, it’s okay to say NO! REMEMBER YOU ARE TECHNICALLY STILL SINGLE!**

Just a few things to consider when it comes to friends with benefits.

Love Does Not Hurt…

It took me a long time to realize that the saying, love hurts is a lie. Love does not hurt; loving the wrong people hurts! Not only does it hurts but it harms you physically, mentally, & socially. I know because I been there. I remember being so hurt that I got a big ARM tattoo that says love hurts….

Just like the rose piercing the heart, my heart was bleeding. I had been stabbed in the heart over and over again by the same rose. It finally got to the point where one more cut would cause my heart to just die. I became bitter and emotionless because of all the damage to my heart. I felt myself dying. I felt myself starting to hate. I didn’t want to be like that so I had to make a decision. Either risk getting stabbed again or escape the danger in order to protect my heart.

It’s never easy to let go of something your heart got used to Sometimes holding on do more damage than letting go. I had to realize that it was choice to continue to let dumb shit affect me. Today, I’m done blaming love. It’s not love’s fault that I got hurt. It’s not even the man that hurt me, it’s my fault because I allowed myself to be hurt! No more….. I’m getting a cover up on the tattoo and I’m slowly starting to believe in mind again. One day, I will fall in love again & he will love me too!

Common Mistakes People Make on Social Media

Although Facebook asks WHAT’S ON YOUR MIND? There are some things that should not be posted. Here’s my list of the top mistakes people makes when posting on social media.

1. Bringing relationship problems to social media: majority are glad that you have them and the rest don’t care! Plus, a lot of the ones doing that are too damn old for shit like that.

2. Letting everybody know your every move: it’s best to work in silent and let your actions speak for you. There are a lot of dream killers waiting to destroy yours.

3. Asking everyone to pray for you: some people are praying against you, not with you. how many people honestly pray for a person when asked on social media? FYI: POSTING PRAYERS GOING UP IS NOT THE SAME THING AS SAYING AN ACTUAL PRAYER, IJS.

4. Reposting shit without researching first: I know we hate to read if it’s not necessary but posting these holidays all out of date, these fake disclaimers, then click like if you love Jesus: JUST STOP IT! JESUS HAS A MAIN LINE THAT ANYONE CAN REACH AND IT WAS ESTABLISH BEFORE SOCIAL MEDIA, SO IM NOT GOING TO HELL IF I DON’T SHARE A POST OR LIKE A LINK!

5. IF YOU GOING TO LIE ABOUT HOW YOU LIVING, WHAT YOU HAVE, WHO YOU GOT, HOW MUCH MONEY YOU MAKE ETC, PLEASE DELETE THE PEOPLE THAT REALLY KNOW YOU CAUSE WE HATE SEEING THEM LIES ON OUR PAGES, IJS!

EXTRAS: DON’T LET THIS BULLSHIT MCM, MCE, WCE, WCW, ETC. GET YOU INTO SOME SHIT YOU CAN’T GET OUT OF! People have a way of taking things meant for fun and turning it into drama! it’s so sad!

MEN IF YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP, STOP LIKING AND COMMENTING ON THESE THOTS/OTHER WOMEN PAGES KNOWING YOU GOT A WOMAN, CUZ SOCIAL MEDIA GOING TO ALWAYS READ MORE INTO A POST! NOT TALKING ABOUT A SIMPLE LIKE HERE OR THERE. I’M TALKING ABOUT IF YOU CONSTANTING LIKING THE SAME PERSON PICTURE OVER AND OVER OR LEAVING DETAILED COMMENTS UNDER PICTURES THAT YOU DON’T EVEN LEAVE UNDER YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER PICTURES. ALSO, IF YOU KNOW YOU CAN’T HANDLE IF SHE TURNED THE TABLES ON YOU, PLEASE DON’T DO IT TO HER CAUSE AGAIN SOCIAL MEDIA, LOVES TO SEE YOU EMBARASS YOUR GF, WIFE, OR S.O. THAT’S WHEN THEY CAN WORM THEIR WAY IN.

UN-Girl Code with Hazel-E

So by now I’m sure you heard of Hazel E putting her feet, in her big ass mouth! An altercation between Hazel E and comedian Jess Hilarious led to Hazel E being labeled a PEDOPHILE for her 19 year old GAY BOYFRIEND. Not one to deal with the truth being out there (Jess posted screenshots between Hazel’s man and his lover and the lover even corroborated her story with a video post stating its true!). Hazel E and her “boyfriend” fire back with homophobic posts condemning gays to death, threatening to damage careers, talking about Jess’s son (THE GIRL CODE SHOULD HAVE TOLD HER TO NEVER GET INTO IT WITH A COMEDIAN AND NEVER, EVER, EVER, BRING A WOMAN’S CHILD IN THE MIDST OF DRAMA), and if that wasn’t bad enough she started pulling the hater/colorism card talking about BLACK WOMEN HATE HER CAUSE SHE LIGHT SKINNED AND EVEN GOING SO FAR AS TO CALL BLACK WOMEN MONKEYS ( I guess she forgot that she is black too underneath all that bleaching/lightening cream and botched surgeries she used to achieve her look (which I’m sure NO ONE WANTS OR CARES TO HATE ON).

Girl when you living a lie, you have to fly under the radar! You can’t destroy someone’s life with a LIE, when yours can be destroyed with the TRUTH!

HAZEL E has really taken that LHHH crap to the extreme but in the real world, she aint about that life and now her need to live the reality show lifestyle and meet those ratchet expectations have written a check that her ass can’t cash! I hope they drop her from the show because how dare you degrade and bring down black women because your life is in shambles? Yet claim to be all for sisterhood and girl power in your book (that I havent read and don’t plan to) that was co-authored with a popular author. I’m curious as to what chapters, if any, she wrote!!!

Let’s use our imagination for a minute. If we were to go by her Colorism theory for a minute and believe in an alternate universe that people are hating on her because she’s light-skinned then that would still be an issue because then the light-skinned community would probably argue that she’s not cute enough to be in the category with them because of her excessive skin lightening and botched surgeries. Her light-skinned sense of entitlement would be revoke because it’s not natural.

Someone failed HAZEL E! Somewhere down down the line, she lost herself and nobody told her that SHE IS A BLACK WOMAN AND SHOULD CELEBRATE ALL SHADES OF BLACK WOMEN!

LIGHT-SKINNED OR NOT WHY WOULD YOU INSULT THE VERY PEOPLE YOU EXPECT TO SUPPORT YOUR BRAND AND BUY YOUR BOOK?

ASIDE FROM #45, FUCKBOYS, & TRIFLING BABY DADDIES, HAZEL E HAS JUST BEEN ADDED TO THE LIST OF THINGS THAT BLACK WOMEN DON’T LIKE