Engy Albasel Neville's Blog, page 2

God is always there

I deeply believe God created us with all the unconditional love, confidence, intelligence, intuition, openness, compassion and kindness we need to thrive in life. For some, alignment to a higher purpose stays with them throughout adult life. For others, it’s jilted as a result of life experiences and the connectivity to the soul’s knowing is lost. Fear of judgment, scarcity, inadequacy and feeling not enough take over. We lose sight of who we truly are and embrace a persona that’s misaligned with God’s plan for us.

I experienced the latter.

I have spent the last twenty years relearning my soul’s knowing. Finding my purpose has been a calling that I cherish and hold dear. The lifetime of lessons while not always easy has been a blessing in every way possible.

We all have a calling. We all have a deeper purpose to fulfill in life. We all go through difficult seasons. When and how we connect to our soul’s purpose is dependent on our personal journey of growth and willingness to see things from a different perspective.

For some it’s a natural connectivity and for others, it takes major ass kicking by the Universe to get us back on track. My journey is filled with both.

Regardless of how you pursue your soul’s purpose, staying in a state of ‘awake’ is hard work. It’s a daily choice to be present. It’s a daily practice of discarding counterproductive habits and thoughts. It’s a daily practice of holding up a mirror to your life and shining light on all the dark corners you’d rather ignore. This is a journey without an end because growth and enlightenment have no end. There’s always more to learn and more to understand.

The journey of reawakening started for me about twenty years ago. Now in my mid forties, the life lessons have changed and I have a deeper understanding of things and appreciation for the process of spiritual growth. The AHA moments surpass the WTF moments and for that I’m humbled and grateful.

The series of hard lessons in my twenties were rooted in my self-doubt and lack of self-worth. From career choices to relationships, I held everyone else’s needs and wants at a much higher regard than my own wants and needs. On some level, I didn’t truly believe I deserved the level of happiness or success my colleagues and friends experienced. I believed I needed to struggle in order to achieve what I wanted. In my relationships, I put up with a lot of BS when I should have walked away without looking back. In my career, I never fought for myself even when necessary.

The experience I’m about to share with you is something I’ve never talked about – not because it’s this deep dark secret but because it’s no longer my story.  Since then, I’ve done the work to heal through forgiveness for myself and for others. I’ve internationally left this story in the shadows of the past because I’m at peace with all of it. I’m sharing it with you in hopes it serves you and inspires your own AHA moment in something you’re going through.

In my early twenties, I worked in the entertainment industry in the marketing department of a very known and successful organization. I was young and naïve and I saw the world through rose-colored glasses. Being a natural people pleaser, I bent over backwards to make everyone around me happy, even at my own expense. Childhood insecurities of being left out were always just below the surface and I didn’t want to be the outsider in my adult life. Going through that once as a kid sucked enough.

The Vice President of our department, a married man with young children had a crush on me. He was a likeable guy and he was harmless enough in his flirting and attempts to be around me. My colleagues, majority women in their late twenties and thirties, and I laughed off his behavior and didn’t think much of it. Everyone really liked him, including me. When I wasn’t at my desk, he would ask about my whereabouts and my colleagues thought it was cute he was looking for me. None of us gave too much thought to his inappropriate behavior. Like I said, he was a really likeable guy and his interest was harmless.

With time, his behavior became bold and unapologetic. He was at my cubicle constantly and for no good reason. I started to feel suffocated by his presence especially during work events when he always hovered close by. Still, I said nothing. He was a really nice guy and it’s not like he was doing anything to me. I muted my discomfort and went along with pretending it was OK. I didn’t want to be the stick in the mud that blew the whistle on the guy everyone liked.

A couple of things happened after that. His fixation with me intensified and I couldn’t go out to lunch without him looking for me. And second, during annual performance reviews, everyone in the department got a raise except me. He said something along the lines of, “Engy, you still have things to work on. But hey, you’re great eye candy.” Those were his exact words and they crushed me. He said this in front of my female boss who giggled and didn’t give much thought to the inappropriate comment or how I was receiving it. I felt so humiliated and demoralized.

At this point, I knew my career there wasn’t going anywhere and I also knew I couldn’t say anything. I feared for my job and I feared judgment of being that woman associated with scandal at the office. I felt trapped and I felt at fault. Surely, I did something along the way to encourage him and make him feel I wanted this kind of attention. I never told him to stop and I certainly never voiced concern. Everyone around me saw what was happening and they didn’t think it was inappropriate. I felt really alone and worse, I felt worthless. 

Months dragged on and things got worse with him openly looking for me whenever I wasn’t at my desk. I couldn’t go to the bathroom without him knowing about it. At this point, I couldn’t ignore the alarm bells in my head but instead of speaking up, fear sealed my mouth shut. I didn’t believe anyone with authority would take my side or fight for me. I was a recent college graduate without experience and he was a well-liked Vice President with years of experience. What I didn’t realize then was that my silence and the collective silence of the group gave him the courage and entitlement to behave badly. Two of my colleagues began to voice their concern for me and sometime later, they felt so uncomfortable on my behalf and reported him to Human Resources. I’m forever grateful for their courage to stand up for me when I didn’t have the courage to stand up for myself. By this time, I had found another job and I had turned in my two-week notice. HR did their due diligence with a thorough investigation and soon after, he was fired.

I spent the next year hiding behind baggy clothes, no make-up and hair in a bun. I wanted to be invisible, especially to the opposite sex. I felt so small and ashamed. Subconsciously, I was fighting to feel valued beyond my looks but I went about it completely wrong. When I cloaked myself, I silenced my intuition and I separated from my inner compass.

It took me a couple of years to find my footing again. And it took me much longer to stand in my power as a strong woman who’s not afraid to speak up. By going through this experience I was reminded by the importance of staying true to myself even if I was the minority in my beliefs. I was also reminded by people’s generosity of spirit and goodness. My colleagues had nothing to gain by reporting him to HR but they did it anyway because it was the right thing to do. The same goes for the two female leaders in HR who sat protectively by my side while the company’s lawyer questioned me for over an hour. Their anger on my behalf and compassion toward me will always be in my heart. They were disappointed I didn’t seek their help sooner but they understood why I remained silent. I wasn’t the first or last woman to fear retaliation for speaking up in a male dominant industry.

There were so many lessons from that experience. The most profound is realizing that God is always with us and works through people around us to protect us. He worked through my colleagues the day they reported our boss and he worked through HR as they virtually held me and did right by me by seeking the truth and then righting the wrong by firing him. God is always there. I didn’t see him or feel him during that time in my life because fear clouded my heart.

Being on a spiritual path or being awake doesn’t exempt us from life lessons, blind spots, self-doubt, betrayal or even moments of defeat and despair. What being awake does do is help us bounce back quicker from tough experiences, course correct before the train wreck happens and recognize the experience as a lesson to the path of enlightenment.

There was a time when bad experiences like the one I shared were weaved into my story. What’s worse, I felt these experiences defined my future. I couldn’t be more wrong. Our experiences are lessons for growth, not a life sentence as punishment for our mistakes.

Every single one of us has had at least one life altering experience that has shifted our perspective about the world around us. But the fact remains, our past doesn’t define our future in any way, shape or form. Our future is  co-created by us in collaboration with a higher power. There’s profound power in knowing that.

I hope my story served you in some capacity.

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When Fear Takes The Wheel

Let’s talk about fear. Not the kind you feel watching a scary movie but the kind that’s holding you back. Did you know that fear can be debilitating? Did you know that once fear takes the wheel, every decision you make is based in fear?

Fear creates blocks so happiness becomes impossible to achieve. The worst part about fear is that it feeds other negative emotions like jealousy, resentment and scarcity. Fear is when someone in your work circle or personal life is doing great and you just can’t bring yourself to be fully happy for them because somehow you’ve convinced yourself that their success is taking something away from you. And so you stew in resentment and jealousy instead of cheering for them. Instead of pursuing your own goals, you allow fear to keep you standing still when somewhere deep in your soul you crave more for your life and dream of something bigger and better.

Fear happens to everyone and I’m no exception. At some point in the last several years, I got the idea to write a book about my personal growth and the many pivotal moments that contributed to my spiritual reawakening. I wanted to share my life lessons, raw and vulnerable, with the intention of inspiring others to seek their own reawakening. I know first hand the life changing impact being ‘awake’ continues to have on my life and I wanted others to experience it too.

But I didn’t write that book. Fear of judgment, ridicule and self-doubt set in and I chose to ignore the calling. I wrote other books instead. I focused my intention on getting an old manuscript finished and four years later, A Leap In Time was published. I infused many elements of my beliefs about living with intention and tapping into a higher purpose into the storyline but that was as far as I went. It was easier to write a fiction about made up characters than to share personal experiences. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very proud of writing A Leap In Time and prouder still of writing A Christmas Wish which released this past December. Both books were a labor of love and determination and I don’t regret writing either book. I was meant to write both books and I don’t doubt that for a second.

I just wish I was brave enough to also write my story.

I allowed my fear to take the wheel instead of giving it a backseat. The worse part was I didn’t realize fear played any role in any part of my life. I convinced myself non-fiction wasn’t the right genre for me and moved on without a second thought.

How many of you can relate to this? How many of you have talked yourself out of doing something you want to do because judgment by others outweighed courage?

Believe me, I know. It’s hard to have thick skin when the criticism feels so personal. It’s hard to chase a dream that no one but you believes in. It’s hard to see the big picture when you’re bogged down with self-doubt and daily reminders of why it wouldn’t work.

What’s worse, fear plays a role in the day-to-day decisions we take for granted. Like the decision to stand up for yourself at work, the decision to fight for that raise or promotion, the decision to ask for help. The list goes on and on.

The next time you’re standing still and you’re unhappy about it, unpack the layers that led you to silence your inner voice. You’ll find fear to be at the root of it. But don’t stop there, go deeper and find out the cause of your fear and why it succeeded in derailing you. Who’s voice are you hearing when you think about your life and what is the voice saying?

It took me a minute to realize where and how fear played a role in my life. Until that point, I didn’t realize the impact negative childhood experiences had on me as an adult. You see, as a kid, we moved a lot. My Dad who’s retired now was a scientist and because of his job, he had the privilege of going on sabbatical to other countries and states. For a couple of years, my brothers and I were always the new kids at school. We were always trying to fit in. And for many years, I didn’t succeed at fitting in. The cultural differences were huge. We moved from Lod, Israel to Reading, England when I was in six grade and although I spoke English because it was a required subject in school, I didn’t speak it or read it fluently so I had a language barrier to overcome and a cultural one. I didn’t always understand what the teachers were explaining and I most certainly didn’t understand the jokes or pop cultural references my classmates referenced. I was fully on the outside and that sucked.

Halfway through the year just when I began to experience a glimmer of belonging, we moved to Gainesville, Florida. The culture shock was jarring. In Israel and England, we wore school uniforms and academics and discipline were prioritized. In Gainesville, the school was K-12 and the kids wore tube tops, cut off jeans, they cussed and the older kids openly made out everywhere. Remember I was a six grader coming from a strict and tightly managed school systems. I was completely out of my element. To top it off, a couple of girls in my class gave me a note that said, “they didn’t like me, I was weird, my clothes were ugly and I smelled”. Imagine being the new kid in school and you find this note on your desk and the mean girls that wrote it are watching for your reaction as you read it.

The memory is still vivid in my mind and I remember feeling so hurt and being too shocked to cry. No one had ever been this mean to me before. Needless to say, I was thrilled when at the end of summer my parents decided to move to southern California so my Dad could work on a project at the University of California in Riverside. Once again, I was the new kid and now I also had baggage I didn’t realize I was carrying. For the majority of middle school and early years of high school, I felt like an outsider looking in. I didn’t have the trendy clothes everyone else was wearing or the right hairstyle and I still struggled to learn all the pop culture references. A few mean girls in Middle School openly laughed at my clothes and hair and the way I talked.

My awkwardness and insecurities multiplied.

Feeling left out created a strange need for approval from everyone around me, including people I didn’t even like. Yet their opinion affected me. Strangely enough, once I graduated college and started working, I buried this feeling and I didn’t give it much thought.

It wasn’t until a few years ago that I realized how this unhealed part of my childhood had played a major role in my adulthood. The fear of being judged, teased and excluded stemmed from my childhood experience of being judged, teased and excluded. The little girl in me was still seeking approval and acceptance. And because of that fear, I didn’t dare venture into brave territory because that always guaranteed judgment. Do you see how fear works?

Holding up a mirror to my own life wasn’t easy. Acknowledging fear and then going deeper to figure out where it stemmed from wasn’t easy. Even writing this blog wasn’t easy because it brought up memories that I don’t like remembering. The path to healing isn’t easy but all of it is necessary. Healing begins with revisiting memories buried in the past because they’re too painful to bring out from the shadows into the present.

I knew I healed that part of my childhood because the experience no longer has a hold on me emotionally. When I reflect back on that time of my childhood, I don’t feel anger or hurt or even pain. I don’t like remembering it but I’m not affected by it because I’m constantly reminding myself that my past doesn’t determine my future. In the mornings when I’m meditating, I’m filled with gratitude for every experience because it’s made me who I am today.

Deal with what’s holding you back and heal the wounds with love and compassion. Then move on. Don’t stay stuck in the past reliving the painful memories that don’t serve you. The future isn’t dictated by your past. The future is unwritten and you get to co-write it in collaboration with a higher power. And to me, that’s worth overcoming all the hurdles.

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Art Imitating Life

A few years after the release of A Leap In Time, I release A Christmas Wish. The book weaved my personal experiences into Amy McKinsey’s story. It was a giant step in courage, vulnerability and conquering my fear.

The premise of Amy’s story is about a young woman living her dream by moving from LA to NYC (like yours truly) but the dream soon turns into one rocky experience after another especially at work. Amy finds herself the target of a co-worker’s verbal attacks and bullying. Sarah Mitchell is Amy’s nemesis who is determined to ruin Amy’s career by slandering her to anyone who listened and undermining her contribution at every turn (yup, me too x2). All the unresolved emotions from Amy’s past swoop in and engulf her in self-pity and fear (yes, I experienced this too). To make the story enjoyable and fun to read, I added the magical elements of Christmas in NYC and a romantic relationship with a great guy who’s far from perfect. Because let’s be honest, if I wrote a book about toxic people at work, you’d never read it and I can’t say I would blame you.

Writing A Christmas Wish was healing in many ways. It was an outlet to talk about difficult experiences that had profound impact on my personal and spiritual growth. Through Amy’s story, I was able to show you the ripple effect of contentious relationships between women at work.

Amy’s story is inspired by some of my own experiences. I know the feeling of being undermined and emotionally beaten down. I know the feeling of questioning everything. I know what its like to feel anxious all day. I know the impact stress has on health because I was there too. On the flip side, I also experienced a breaking point, as we all do, and I knew I needed to arm myself with the right toolkit to deal with difficult situations in my life. I just didn’t know what the toolkit looked like at the time. I prayed so hard. I prayed for a new job and I desperately prayed for a new boss. Neither prayer was answered because my prayer was about them, not me. I wouldn’t lie to you, I felt completely abandoned by the Universe, not unlike our heroine.

Like Amy, I found solace and inner peace during yoga so I attended classes like my life depended on it. And in many ways, my wellbeing did depend on it. I went every single day. The 90 minutes on my yoga mat was the only time in the day where fear and anxiety didn’t overwhelm me.

When a random email popped in my inbox from Yoga Works with dates for their upcoming yoga teacher certification program, I knew it was divine intervention. I quickly signed up, paid the $3200 and submitted all the paperwork before self-doubt set in and talked me out it. The decision to do the class was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made and the best money I’ve spent. That was 9 ½ years ago and taking that class was the beginning of a huge trajectory shift in all aspects of my life.

The combination of learning the philosophy of yoga and practicing the asanas for hours on end cracked me wide open. The principles of yoga resonated deeply within me. My intuition sharpened and I saw my work situation with a new perspective. I recognized the lesson and I immediately changed my approach. For the first in my life, I stood up for myself. My strength was grounded in faith much bigger than me. The external factors didn’t trigger me as much and when they did, I course corrected fairly quickly. Somewhere along the way, I stopped seeking approval and validation from colleagues, family and friends. I had all the validation I needed and that gave me confidence and happiness that no one could mess with because it emanated from me.

Amy McKinsey is not that different from many of us in her dreams, hopes, insecurities and wants. Sarah Mitchell is not that different from many of us in her dreams, hopes, insecurities and wants. The difference between the two women is how they dealt with their fears and insecurities. Amy worked hard to overcome her shortcomings. Sarah wreaked havoc on everyone around her to deflect from her shortcomings.

I’ll leave you with a final thought.

Our actions and reactions are a choice we make and affirm daily.

The choice is always yours.

A Christmas Wish is available on Amazon and Barnes & Noble in both digital and print formats.

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How I Stay Aligned

We all go through periods of exhaustion. Like we’re swimming upstream with no end in site. I know that feeling well. I’m a working mom with a demanding career, I’m a wife and I’m a writer. I’m always on the go. My mind is always racing. Every now and again, I reach a low point of physical and mental exhaustion and it drains me of creative energy. Writers’ block for me isn’t from lack of ideas; it’s from brain fog because I’m so darn tired. In the past, I pushed through this period like my life depended on it. When I couldn’t push anymore, I felt defeated and I beat myself up for not being productive enough, creative enough and resilient enough to find a way out. Sound familiar? Keep reading.

Somewhere along the way of this vicious cycle, I had an AHA moment. I decided to try something different and embrace the exhaustion instead of fighting it. I stopped thinking of this ‘phase’ as the enemy sabotaging my dreams. I chilled out and I allowed my body and mind a vacation from productivity without judgment. I fully unplugged. Instead of waking up at 5a to meditate and write before work, I stayed in bed. During my commute, I mindlessly scrolled through Instagram instead of reading a book. During the weekend after the kids went to bed, I binge watched Netflix & Amazon Prime until I fell asleep. I gave myself permission to do nothing.

My mind still raced but I figured I just needed a little more time to truly rest.  A couple of weeks later, I felt physically rested but I was still mentally exhausted and now I was stressed too. The creativity didn’t come back. My mental vacation killed my drive and motivation, the complete opposite of what I hoped would happen. I had the right idea about taking the pressure off but my way of going about it didn’t work for me. I turned to meditation for guidance and I turned to my journal for accountability.

Without the distraction of the TV and my phone, I started to feel less anxious and more relaxed. Here’s what else I found out about myself.

I needed quiet time to re-energize. I needed to distance myself from all external noise so my inner voice could come through. The mental fog lifted and I felt calmer. The more I honored the simple shift of truly unplugging, the clearer and louder my inner voice became and the more I felt like myself again. I ramped up meditation and I tracked the messages and guidance in my journal. This might sound weird but I felt physically lighter.  I took it as a sign to keep going.

I felt drawn to non-fiction books, like memoirs and spiritual teachings and stories of people who did extraordinary things their way and succeeded. I jumped in with both feet. If you’ve been reading my blogs, you already know, I’m an eternal student of life school and I don’t shy away from the opportunity to grow from my experiences. This was no different. I started reading Sacred Contracts by Caroline Myss and Evolve Your Brain by Dr. Joe Dispenza and the list went on and on. I gravitated toward podcasts, something I never thought was for me because the constant chatter of talk radio drives me crazy. But I went with it. I downloaded what I already knew I would like … Oprah Winfrey. I’ve been a devoted student of her teachings since high school and I’m a huge fan of Super Soul Sunday so downloading the podcast version was a no brainer.

My body and mind caught up to the rest I needed and I was able to receive all this new information that has forever changed my life. That’s the honest truth. I felt personally mentored by Brené Brown, Marianne Williamson, Gabrielle Bernstein, Elizabeth Gilbert, Glennon Doyle, Dr. Tsabary and a slew of others that opened me up to seeing the world around me through a different perspective. Some of the messages spoke directly to my heart and resonated deeply.

The divine order that led me to these teachings wasn’t wasted on me and in that moment, the best words to describe how I felt was humble and grateful for being chosen to learn these teachings.

I felt sense of calm and inner peace, a feeling I associated with true alignment to a higher purpose even though I didn’t fully understand my role or purpose with these teachings. Looking back, I now know the exhaustion I felt was a catalyst in order for higher learning to come through. My soul was ready for the next phase of being woke but my state of constant movement and distraction didn’t allow the message to come through. It took for exhaustion and writers’ block and later stress and anxiety for me to pay attention to where I was being guided.

Since then, I pay attention to the subtle changes around me and I dial down all distraction and noise so the message can come through. The amazing thing is that because I’m feeling more woke than I’ve ever felt, the messages come more often and much clearer. Sometimes the messages come through in a dream and other times, I’ll literally see a billboard with messages meant for me or someone will say something in response to an inner thought. Regardless of how the messages appear, I’m grateful for all of them.

I know I’m not alone in wanting to live my life with purpose and intention and in service. I deeply believe that we are all meant to be of service to one another and it’s hard to do that when we feel depleted of energy and creativity and unmotivated to carry on with the day let alone fight for our calling.

If you’re like me and you’re moving a million miles a minute, find a way to create quiet space in your day. Don’t pride yourself on running on empty. That’s a terrible and unhealthy way to live and I learned this lesson the hard way. Listen to your body and don’t ignore the signs for rest so you’re better equipped to hear your inner voice. We all get one chance to live this life and we deserve to live our life to it’s fullest potential. Slow down, rest and create quiet space in your day even if its ten minutes. Meditation doesn’t need to last for hours to be effective. Trust me, I don’t meditate for more than twenty minutes on any given day. Everyone has ten minutes. Everyone has a room or backyard or a car or a park or train ride to work to sit and be still for ten minutes. You owe it to yourself to live in alignment with your heart’s desire.

If you’ve never meditated and you want to try it, here are some tips:

Find quiet comfortable space
If you need music, no problem. Here are some of my favorites: Krishna Das, Spa Music Relaxation Meditation, Mozart for Meditation
Set your phone to mute, set timer for 10 min (you can extend this as you get more comfortable)
Sit in a comfortable position, feet flat on the ground, hands on your thighs (palms facing up if want to receive energy/messages OR down if you don’t)
Close your eyes
Breathe big deep breaths. Focus your thoughts and energy on the breath going in and out of your body. If a thought comes through, it’s OK. Acknowledge it and imagine yourself placing it on a shelf to be dealt with later. Focus on the breath again. With every inhale, imagine a white light traveling from your toes all the way up through your body and out through the crown of your head. On the exhale, imagine the white light entering your body through the crown of your head and traveling through your body all the way down to your toes.

The more you practice, the more natural this practice will become. Don’t give up. I want to hear from you so let me know how you’re doing.

Photo by Jared Rice on Unsplash

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Accidental Keto

Digestive issues are like a dirty little secret that most people experience but no one is really talking about it. I’m one of those people. I’ve had a challenged digestive system most of my adult life and it got worse in the last fifteen years. A million factors contribute to that but mostly, it boils down to the actual food, how its grown and processed. Frozen meals, even the healthy ones are guaranteed to double me over in pain along with wheat, sugar and anything processed. I’m the girl properly stocked on probiotics and digestive enzymes at all times just incase I need them.  

A couple of years ago, I hit an all time low with feeling lousy most days. For anyone dealing with any sort of digestive issues, you know what I’m talking about – the day is wrecked. 

I consulted with many doctors ranging from specialists to generalists. None had an answer even though each doctor requested thorough blood work during every single visit.  I felt so frustrated and worn out. Not knowing the cause of what was giving me stomachaches drained me because it made me feel powerless and a little lost in my choices.

Until that point, I had taken good health for granted and it took feeling  crummy to truly appreciate the gift of physical health.

The most recent and last doctor I visited confidently cleared me of IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) after reviewing my blood work and separately, my detailed food journal. She confirmed what I already knew about my love /hate relationship with carbs and sugar. I loved them and they hated me with a hot passion. Everything the doctor said made sense but that meant no pizza night on Fridays with the kids, no bread or pasta, no wine during the weekend with friends, no chocolate and no coffee because that too was upsetting my stomach. My 40’s were feeling less magical and I wasn’t happy.

My doctor went on to explain that food in the US is so overly processed and most people experience discomfort after eating. She recommended I eat the organic version of everything I enjoyed and if something continued to bother me, eliminate it.

Friends, let’s be real here. How often do you find a restaurant that serves organic pasta? How many pizza joints use organic wheat or organic cheese? Every once in a while, I come across a menu with organic chicken or cage free organic eggs but pasta? Pizza? C’mon.

The easiest way was to eliminate all things processed, carbs and sugar and I needed to rethink my selection of coffee. I had a visceral reaction to this change and so I didn’t do it. You read that right. I didn’t do it. I went home and continued to live in denial of the lifestyle change I needed to make.

I made every excuse in the book to avoid dealing it. Some of my excuses might resonate with you because you’ve either made them or you can relate to them.

1. I’m a working mom, barely treading water on most days.

2. Who has time for food prep? I was already waking up at 5am and not coming home until after 7p most days. 

3. With probiotics and digestive enzymes, my stomach pain was manageable so did I really need to give up everything I enjoyed?

My excuses gave me a pass until one morning on my way to the city,  I remembered an article I read about self-care. The Universe is awesome like that and I like to think of this moment as Divine Intervention. The article talked about honoring our body by listening to it’s needs. This form of self-care wasn’t about bubble baths and girls weekend trip. This was the real deal, no BS, hard truths kind of self care. The kind I needed to hear. I realized that my self-care was full of crap. By ignoring what my body needed, my self care was hollow and incomplete. I was running by body to the ground by purposely ignoring the blaring signs for changing my diet.

I  prioritized convenience and indulgence over health.

The next day, I packed a carb free breakfast and lunch and switched my hazelnut coffee creamer for half and half.

I wouldn’t lie to you, Day 1 sucked. And so did the entire first week.

After a few weeks, I began to feel slightly better but I still wasn’t feeling 100% and coffee wreaked havoc on my stomach. I love the taste and ritual of a morning cup of coffee so this was a total bummer. And wine, forget it. A glass of wine gave me heartburn that often kept me up all night. On the flip side, I no longer looked pregnant and my energy level got a little boost. But there was more to do.

The slight improvement in how I felt and looked motivated me to dig deeper. I researched everything from low carb recipes to low sugar wine and that’s when I came across the Keto Diet. At first glance, it seemed easy enough to follow and with the exception of adding fat to my meals, I was already doing it. So I tried it for about a month by adding bacon, avocados and olive oil to almost every meal. With the exception of eating bacon (don’t hate me but I hate bacon), following Keto wasn’t a hardship. What was hard was tracking the macros so a few weeks into it, I decided it wasn’t for me and went back to eating no carbs and no sugar without worrying about the fat content. I know many people swear by this diet so please don’t let my decision deter you. It just didn’t work for me. But thanks to Keto devotees, I tried a few things that have worked wonders for me.

1. Bulletproof Coffee is GOLD. Take it from a picky, coffee lover. This coffee tastes great and it’s the only coffee that doesn’t upset my stomach. I don’t know if its the way the beans are harvested or roasted or what but it works for me and I love it.

2. Nature Fuel Keto Bars save me from mindlessly grabbing the first thing I see because I’m running late and starving and I’ve abandoned good choices in that desperate moment of wanting something quick. I keep a bar in my purse at all times. I’ve tried so many protein bars and even organic ones are super high in sugar. No thanks!

Almost four months later, I’m still carb free and sugar free – most of the time. I make exceptions on special occasions and when I choose to indulge, it’s a conscious choice and I don’t overdue it. Do I slip up now and again? Of course. Do I pay for it later? Hell yeah. Do I do it often? No way because its not worth it. 

Now I choose to keep my indulgence in check so I don’t slip back into old unhealthy habits that contributed to feeling crappy most days.

If you’re like me and you have a challenged digestive system, try these tips. They worked for me:

Start a food journal. Write down everything you eat and add notes of how you feel afterwards. When you look back at your entries, you’ll see the patterns fairly quickly and you’ll be able to pinpoint the foods that make you feel sick. 
Eliminate all things processed (frozen foods especially). Keto bar is my only exception.
Sugar is the devil. Stay away from it.
Eat clean for a week to give your body a chance to reset. That means fresh vegetables and fruit, organic meats (unless you’re a vegetarian, then you’re all set), organic eggs.
Skip the alcohol. It’s just a week, you can do it.
Detox even if its just 3 days, that’s what I did. I followed Danette May’s 3 Day Detox plan and I felt great.
Drink plenty of water. I know you know this.

Being healthy isn’t just about going to the gym or the number on the scale staring back at you. It’s doing all the things to help your body thrive so it can better serve you be the best version of yourself. 

 

 

Photo by Pinar Kucuk on Unsplash

The post Accidental Keto appeared first on Engy Neville.

It’s My Birthday

Today I’m celebrating my 45th birthday and I can honestly say, this is my favorite birthday and this coming year will be the best year yet. I’m not saying that because I have a crystal ball predicting a perfect and easy year, I’m saying it in spite of whatever life decides to throw my way.

I started my morning early, like the sun wasn’t even up yet because I wanted to write while everyone was still asleep. I do my best thinking in the early hours of the morning.

On my birthday, I do more than journal, I draft my resolutions, toss out things that didn’t work, reflect on the things that did work and celebrate the moment I’m in. I’ve been doing this ritual since my early twenties and I can honestly say I love it because it allows me the mental space to focus inward. Most days, I’m in go mode with no downtime and no me time. Parents, I know I’m preaching to the choir.

So while jotting down my plans for the upcoming year and gracefully saying good bye to the year that passed, the idea of sharing with you a some of the things I hold myself accountable for every day. I hope they inspire you and I hope by reading this blog, you learn more about who I am. 

Ready? Let’s go

Be Authentic

Almost everything surrounding us has been photoshopped. Finding authenticity is like looking for a needle in a hay stack and it’s a little disheartening at times. From influencers to bloggers to everyday people living their “best lives” on social media, we’ve lost the realness of everyday life.

After A Leap In Time was published, I created a business profile on all social media platforms. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing but I did know one thing, I would always share my most authentic thoughts and feelings and version of myself so that you got to know me, the real me that my family and friends know. If you read my blog or my books and then met me, you would see there isn’t a public version and a private version of me. I’m the same person. And the same goes for you. Your authentic self is so much better than any fake narrative you put out in the world. I don’t mean post pictures of yourself at your worst to prove a point. I mean be real in what you’re sharing. If you’re guilty of painting a different picture of your life than the one you’re actually living, it’s time for a life shift so you ARE living the life you want.

Your Energy is a Boomerang

I start every morning with gratitude. It doesn’t mean I wake giddy and ready to tackle the day bouncing on a rainbow of positivity. It means I don’t allow myself to wallow in anything that doesn’t serve me. I recognize whatever icky feeling I’m having, thank it for showing up and quickly assign it a back seat to my day. That’s the honest truth. I’ve learned through the years that the thoughts you fuel with your energy are the thoughts that shape your experience in your life. Knowing that, I’ll be damned if I fuel negative, self-pity, why me internal dialogue that will doom my future. I’m all about moving forward and evolving and striving for a better version of myself. So I push through the negative internal dialogue and focus on the good. That simple shift in thinking changes my day.

You have the same power in your own life. Focus your energy on the things you want to manifest instead of the things that piss you off.  Be intentional in envisioning the life you want and do it every single day. It works.

Worrying is a wasted emotion

In my 20s and early 30s, I worried about everything. I would literally toss and turn all night, every night wondering about what’s next for me. I worried about landing the perfect job and I worried about money and I worried about my family and the list went on and on. I was never short of something to worry about. Guess what, it didn’t matter and it sure as hell didn’t change the outcome of anything.

Things will happen as they’re meant to with or without your worry. What you can do and should do is be intentional in what you want. Be diligent in preparing so when the opportunity comes, you’re ready and you’re positioned to receive it. If what you’re hoping for is meant for you, it will find you. If it doesn’t find you, it’s because the Universe is clearing the path for something better. Truth.

Selective Gratitude

Have you ever felt like you were floating with joy and you’re all about believing the Universe is working on your behalf but the minute something goes wrong, you’re immediately sucked into, “why me” and “nothing good stays in my life” mindset? Yup, I was that person too.

Several years ago, I was talking to a girlfriend about a situation that went in the complete opposite direction of what I thought would happen. I was really bummed. I was mad and my spiritually grounded self went MIA as I spiraled into victim mentality. You know what I’m talking about. The feeling of something happening to me instead of something happening for me. Feeling forsaken instead of feeling protected. 

It took hearing myself verbalize the words out loud to snap out of it. I was a fair weathered believer and when the hard stuff showed up as it always does, I crumbled because my faith was based on my best days, not the tough ones.

Gratitude is a choice and living with a grateful mindset isn’t always easy. Holding on to faith and the belief that you will not be forsaken and the Universe is always working for you, not against you changes your life.

I hold myself accountable to living my life with these simple truths as a baseline. There’s so much more I want to share with you but I’ll save that for another post on another day.

Thank you for sharing my birthday with me. I feel your beautiful energy and I’m grateful for every one of you.

 

 

 

The post It’s My Birthday appeared first on Engy Neville.

Honoring The Time to Heal

About ten years ago, my mother in law, Kathleen was diagnosed with white matter disease which impacts the functionality of the brain and connectivity to the nervous system. With time, this brain disease increases risk for stroke, Dementia and Alzheimer’s among a slew of other ailments. In Kathleen’s case, it was Alzheimer’s. At first, the progression seemed moderate. Some days Kathleen was content to be home sitting on the front porch for hours and other days, she cried herself to sleep. The things she once enjoyed like knitting and sewing became too difficult to do. Even cooking, something she had done her whole life, became an impossible task because she couldn’t remember what to do in the kitchen. A lost word here and there became many words, followed by sentences until silence took over.

Hiring a full time caregiver was immanent to her well-being and to my father-in-law, Paddy. We started to feel uneasy about having Kathleen and Paddy home on their own. Agreeing we needed help was the easy part compared to the stacks of forms needed to be filled out (thank God for my sister-in-law Catherine who handled that), dealing with multiple agencies to find the right care and placement and finally the slew of caregivers that rotated in and out of the house every four hours for their respective shift. And those were the good days. The bad days ranged from caregivers not showing up at all to dealing with under-qualified aides or aides that lacked any compassion or tenderness toward an elderly woman that couldn’t speak.

For those dealing with elderly parents or grandparents suffering with any form of memory loss, you know how gut wrenching it is to watch a loved one slip into another world beyond reach and beyond connection. For the spouse of the person living with any chronic or crippling or life threatening illness, the heartbreak is amplified by a million.

The cruelty and unfairness of Alzheimer’s took over every aspect of our life, especially Paddy’s.

With time, slight shifts in Kathleen’s behavior became markers in her decline and while we mentally and emotionally prepared for it, we weren’t prepared for Paddy’s health to take a turn for the worse. We underestimated the toll of stress on his emotional and mental well-being. And yet we remained optimistic that once a full time aide was in place, his spirits would lift and he would find happiness again.

Fast forward to a few years later on December 17, 2017 the morning after our daughter’s 7th birthday, Paddy fell in his house and hit his head on the wall marking the beginning of a downward spiral that we never saw coming.

Some days, I still struggle with accepting his passing. We had such tremendous hope that once a full time aide was secured for Kathleen, Paddy would get a new lease on life. We imagined him golfing with his buddies without worry, enjoying his family that surrounded him and embracing life the way he once did.

Explaining his death to our young kids was heartbreaking especially as we struggled to accept it ourselves. This was the first death they experienced and they asked a lot of questions about death and heaven and we explained as best we could in a way that made sense for their young minds to comprehend. They didn’t understand why God took him without permission or why they couldn’t visit whenever they wanted. It breaks my heart all over again to think back on that time.

We spent countless nights snuggled in their beds, sometimes talking and other times just holding them until they fell asleep. With time, we thought their sadness leveled and they found acceptance with our new normal without their Granda. But their sadness didn’t lessen, it merely manifested into other behaviors that we didn’t immediately associate with grief.

Our son began to fear all forms of change. Even the simplest of things worried him. Switching his closet from winter clothes to summer ones upset him. He wanted everything to stay exactly the same. He associated change with unwanted life events and loss. He cried himself to sleep fearing getting older.

Our daughter’s grief manifested in the form of anger and defiance at school and at home. She lashed out often and cried over everything, even things that didn’t warrant an emotional reaction let alone a full-blown meltdown.

Brian and I went back and forth on what to do and eventually, we decided to seek the counsel of a therapist to help our kids cope with grief. It was the best decision we made, especially for our daughter who had internalized her sadness and didn’t know how to express it other than to be angry and cry at the drop of a hat. Someone outside of us encouraging her to openly be sad and talk about loss was a turning point and within a few visits, we had our daughter back. Our son is less resistant to change and he’s even noting good things happening as a result of change.

This experience taught me a valuable lesson that I’ll never forget and that is to slow down and give each experience its due time for processing, healing and closure. In our effort to create a new normal for our kids, we didn’t honor the time we needed to deal with our own grief. Our children’s resistance to accepting loss forced us to slow down and deal with our own feelings that we de-prioritized out of protection for them.

The last year and half tested us on every level imaginable but it didn’t break us. Looking back, I can’t help but feel blessed that because of the rough season we’ve endured, we’re able to fully appreciate and value the present moment. We humbly accepted our shortcomings, grew as individuals and as a family and it made us stronger and more grounded in the things that matter.

The post Honoring The Time to Heal appeared first on Engy Neville.

Spring is in the Air

I love this time of year. Spring, the season of rebirth and reawakening. This transitional period and the one from summer to fall are a must experience in the North East. With the outdoors coming back to life, I’m feeling a sense of renewal too. This year, the seasonal changes have resonated with me more than ever before.

This is the first year in fifteen years that I didn’t greet winter kicking and screaming. And this is the first time ever that I’m seeing Spring for what it is – a season of shedding old ways in order to reawaken without the burden of the past.

I didn’t always think of seasonal changes as markers for personal changes. Until recently, I dreaded winter, was lukewarm about Spring because let’s face it, in New York, its still too cold to enjoy the outdoors which leave Fall and Summer – both way too short for my liking.

Next month marks my fifteen years anniversary as a New Yorker. What? Yup and
I couldn’t be happier with my decision to move here. But I didn’t always feel
this way.

Believe it or not, for a handful of years, I hated the very city I had
fought so hard to move to because the gray skies depressed me and the cold weather
chilled me to the bone. No matter how many layers I wore, I was still cold and uncomfortable.
I felt isolated and lonely.

Don’t get me wrong, the first snow fall is as magical as it looks in Hallmark movies. The silence that transcends over the city after a snowstorm is better than any app or gadget promising white noise for relaxation. I cherish these moments as much as everyone else. But these moments were fleeting and certainly weren’t enough to sustain me for an entire season.

The winter blues kicked my butt hard.

In my heart, I knew I was meant to be in New York for a while longer so
bailing wasn’t an option. Besides, I’m no quitter. I was determined to make it
work and I knew something needed to change in order for me to be happy. Well
that something was me because that’s the only thing I could change. Everything
else was out of my control.

At first, I filled the weekends with everything under the sun. I signed up for knitting classes in the city at an old church, I joined a book club with women I’ve never met, dance classes, yoga classes, tours of old neighborhoods in New York … you name it, I did it. With the exception of knitting, I enjoyed everything else. And I met a ton of new cool people.

Over a decade later, the winters have become easier to deal with and I’m no
longer looking to fill every moment of the day with something to do in order to
avoid being cooped up inside. I’ve embraced the quietness and solitude that
comes with this season. Instead of hating on winter, I’ve come to appreciate
the downtime it offers for personal passion projects, family time and the
freedom from commitments.

Maintaining a daily ritual of gratitude and meditation helped me find joy in all things – even winter. More importantly, gratitude grounded me and armed me from falling apart when real tough situations unfolded … like being diagnosed with arthritis in both hands, the scare of breast cancer and losing my job in the same month, the passing of my father-in-law and more recently, the passing of my Aunt.

Living with gratitude is a constant reminder that life is good and I’m lucky
to wake up every morning and experience it. During frustrating moments, I
literally write down everything I’m grateful for no matter how small. It all
counts.

When I sat with my list a while back, I felt humbled by my own words in my journal. Somehow I overlooked some of the highs along the way. This is one of the reasons I’m a huge fan of keeping a journal and committing to writing in it on a regular basis. It serves as a reminder when we’re caught up in our own swirl. My journal entry reminded me that fifteen years ago, I courageously moved three thousands miles away from home in pursuit of a dream to live in New York and because of that decision, I’ve met some incredible friends that I would never have met otherwise. Ten years ago, Brian and I got married at an old estate not too far from where we currently live on Long Island. Eight and half years ago, I gave birth to our son and twelve months later, I gave birth to our daughter. Yup, they’re twelve months and 3 days apart. Four years ago, my first novel, A Leap In Time, was published and I proudly checked one thing from my bucket list. Shortly after that, Chasing Zen blog was established. A few months ago, my second novel, A Christmas Wish, was published. Five years ago, I checked off two more things on my bucket list by traveling to Australia and New Zealand thanks to a work project.

I’m certain none of these events would have happened had I lived anywhere else because my journey would have completely changed and taken me on a different path.

When I look at my highlight reel, the good outweighs any hurdles along the way.

I don’t pretend that life has been easy and without challenges because that’s not true by any stretch. I don’t pretend to be giddy during the winter season because that’s not true either. I’m also not going to pretend that tough situations don’t exist or that toxic people don’t slither their way into my space. But I can honestly say that changing my thought pattern has changed the way I react to tough situations and because of that, my life is forever changed for the better.

We all have a highlight reel. We all have incredible highs and gut wrenching
lows. It’s easy to be happy when everything is going right. That’s a no
brainer. It’s choosing to be happy and optimistic when life sucks. That’s the
real hard work. If you believe in the law of attraction, like I do, then you
know that misery attracts more misery and gratitude attracts more things to be
grateful for and so on and so forth.

Choose gratitude even when life throws you curve balls. Choose gratitude even when a door closes to something you wanted more than anything in the world. Choose gratitude even when you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.

The road of self-pity is long and miserable and once you’re on it, it’s hard work to change course because the ripple effect of the negative thoughts are like a strong running current, pulling more negativity along the way. You have nothing to lose by exploring an alternative way of thinking and practicing gratitude. Commit to writing three things you’re grateful for and do it every single day. Do it for a week. Every time you slip into a funk or a negative thought worms its way into your conscious, remember your list. Be diligent, don’t give up and be kind to yourself when you slip up.

I hope my experience has resonated with you and helped you in any way.

The post Spring is in the Air appeared first on Engy Neville.

A Season

I love this time of year. Spring, the season of rebirth and reawakening. This transitional period and the one from summer to fall are a must experience in the North East. With the outdoors coming back to life, I’m feeling a sense of renewal too. This year, the seasonal changes have resonated with me more than ever before.

This is the first year in fifteen years that I didn’t greet winter kicking and screaming. And this is the first time ever that I’m seeing Spring for what it is – a season of shedding old ways in order to reawaken without the burden of the past.

I didn’t always think of seasonal changes as markers for personal changes. Until recently, I dreaded winter, was lukewarm about Spring because let’s face it, in New York, its still too cold to enjoy the outdoors which leave Fall and Summer – both way too short for my liking.

Next month marks my fifteen years anniversary as a New Yorker. What? Yup and
I couldn’t be happier with my decision to move here. But I didn’t always feel
this way.

Believe it or not, for a handful of years, I hated the very city I had
fought so hard to move to because the gray skies depressed me and the cold weather
chilled me to the bone. No matter how many layers I wore, I was still cold and uncomfortable.
I felt isolated and lonely.

Don’t get me wrong, the first snow fall is as magical as it looks in Hallmark movies. The silence that transcends over the city after a snowstorm is better than any app or gadget promising white noise for relaxation. I cherish these moments as much as everyone else. But these moments were fleeting and certainly weren’t enough to sustain me for an entire season.

The winter blues kicked my butt hard.

In my heart, I knew I was meant to be in New York for a while longer so
bailing wasn’t an option. Besides, I’m no quitter. I was determined to make it
work and I knew something needed to change in order for me to be happy. Well
that something was me because that’s the only thing I could change. Everything
else was out of my control.

At first, I filled the weekends with everything under the sun. I signed up for knitting classes in the city at an old church, I joined a book club with women I’ve never met, dance classes, yoga classes, tours of old neighborhoods in New York … you name it, I did it. With the exception of knitting, I enjoyed everything else. And I met a ton of new cool people.

Over a decade later, the winters have become easier to deal with and I’m no
longer looking to fill every moment of the day with something to do in order to
avoid being cooped up inside. I’ve embraced the quietness and solitude that
comes with this season. Instead of hating on winter, I’ve come to appreciate
the downtime it offers for personal passion projects, family time and the
freedom from commitments.

Maintaining a daily ritual of gratitude and meditation helped me find joy in all things – even winter. More importantly, gratitude grounded me and armed me from falling apart when real tough situations unfolded … like being diagnosed with arthritis in both hands, the scare of breast cancer and losing my job in the same month, the passing of my father-in-law and more recently, the passing of my Aunt.

Living with gratitude is a constant reminder that life is good and I’m lucky
to wake up every morning and experience it. During frustrating moments, I
literally write down everything I’m grateful for no matter how small. It all
counts.

When I sat with my list a while back, I felt humbled by my own words in my journal. Somehow I overlooked some of the highs along the way. This is one of the reasons I’m a huge fan of keeping a journal and committing to writing in it on a regular basis. It serves as a reminder when we’re caught up in our own swirl. My journal entry reminded me that fifteen years ago, I courageously moved three thousands miles away from home in pursuit of a dream to live in New York and because of that decision, I’ve met some incredible friends that I would never have met otherwise. Ten years ago, Brian and I got married at an old estate not too far from where we currently live on Long Island. Eight and half years ago, I gave birth to our son and twelve months later, I gave birth to our daughter. Yup, they’re twelve months and 3 days apart. Four years ago, my first novel, A Leap In Time, was published and I proudly checked one thing from my bucket list. Shortly after that, Chasing Zen blog was established. A few months ago, my second novel, A Christmas Wish, was published. Five years ago, I checked off two more things on my bucket list by traveling to Australia and New Zealand thanks to a work project.

I’m certain none of these events would have happened had I lived anywhere else because my journey would have completely changed and taken me on a different path.

When I look at my highlight reel, the good outweighs any hurdles along the way.

I don’t pretend that life has been easy and without challenges because that’s not true by any stretch. I don’t pretend to be giddy during the winter season because that’s not true either. I’m also not going to pretend that tough situations don’t exist or that toxic people don’t slither their way into my space. But I can honestly say that changing my thought pattern has changed the way I react to tough situations and because of that, my life is forever changed for the better.

We all have a highlight reel. We all have incredible highs and gut wrenching
lows. It’s easy to be happy when everything is going right. That’s a no
brainer. It’s choosing to be happy and optimistic when life sucks. That’s the
real hard work. If you believe in the law of attraction, like I do, then you
know that misery attracts more misery and gratitude attracts more things to be
grateful for and so on and so forth.

Choose gratitude even when life throws you curve balls. Choose gratitude even when a door closes to something you wanted more than anything in the world. Choose gratitude even when you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.

The road of self-pity is long and miserable and once you’re on it, it’s hard work to change course because the ripple effect of the negative thoughts are like a strong running current, pulling more negativity along the way. You have nothing to lose by exploring an alternative way of thinking and practicing gratitude. Commit to writing three things you’re grateful for and do it every single day. Do it for a week. Every time you slip into a funk or a negative thought worms its way into your conscious, remember your list. Be diligent, don’t give up and be kind to yourself when you slip up.

I hope my experience has resonated with you and helped you in any way.

The post A Season appeared first on Engy Neville.

A Season of Hard Lessons

This last year, I got my butt kicked by the Universe. Everything I believed in was put to the test and I failed miserably.

It all started with a dream job and my misguided belief that it would last forever. Of course, it didn’t. Nothing is promised and although I knew that, when the job came to an end, it didn’t sting less.

At the time, my outlook was ‘something bad happened to me’ and the more I wallowed in that space, the more I felt lost and directionless. The worst part was the disconnect I felt from me and from the inner voice that guided me throughout my life.

At the time, I felt let down by everything and everyone. Being a good person didn’t spare me the hard knocks or the hard lessons. Being a student of life, I didn’t feel I needed such a harsh lesson. I pride myself on being a compassionate, thoughtful and generous individual. I come from an upbringing where compassion for others was valued beyond measure. So why was this happening to me? I certainly didn’t feel I deserved to have something I loved taken from me. In hindsight, it’s that exact sentiment that earned me one of the hardest and harshest lessons of my adult life.

I cried over the career path I had seen so clearly but no longer had and I cried over the misguided direction that led me to my current state. Even with my spiritual training, I felt heartbroken and I couldn’t help but feel abandoned by people I trusted and admired. I felt stuck.

A couple of months later, I was listening to Super Soul Conversations with Oprah and surprise, the topic was about healing. The Universe is awesome like that. The podcast focused on praying for the well-being of the ones that wronged us. Imagine my eye roll at hearing this. I was still carrying anger like badge of honor. But a few days later and with nothing to lose, I entertained the idea of actually praying for the well-being of those that had done me wrong. If healing came from that, awesome and if not, I wouldn’t be worse off than I already felt. So the next day, I began praying for them.

I’m not going to lie to you, the first few days were rough. The thought of praying for someone that had hurt me was hard. My teeth were clenched and I might have started the prayer over again a few times before committing to positive thoughts.

But by the end of the month, my prayers were easier to say and I genuinely and wholeheartedly meant every word of my goodwill toward the ones that hurt me. From there, my prayer evolved to thanking the Universe for its continuous protection of me. I started to feel better, lighter. My gratitude lifted a veil that had clouded my memory about the dream job. With a clearer perspective, I began to recount the last six months and they weren’t dreamy. A once supportive, engaging and inspiring workplace had become toxic. The negativity in the office impacted my health and complaining of a headache became the norm for me, not to mention horrible neck pain from the tension in the office. I was popping Advil multiple times a day. But in my grief, I had temporarily forgotten this information. And worse still, during that time period, I played so small because I didn’t want to be seen as a threat. I wanted to fly under the radar until something fitting of my qualifications came along. I was practically invisible.

Suddenly, the dream job was much less dreamy and the Universe had fought on my behalf to save me from the toxic workplace that was slowly diminishing my light.

I saw individuals with new eyes which helped me recognize the role they played in my spiritual growth and for that, I’m forever grateful. But something else transpired. I saw everyone’s true colors, the good, the under-qualified, the compassionate, the friend, the insecure and the egomaniacs. Through all the highs and lows, I consider myself blessed a million times over. On this journey I met a handful of incredible souls that will always mean the world to me and even though our journey together was short, I learned so much from them about grace, compassion and raising the bar for the greater good.

Every situation we encounter presents an abundance of learning about ourselves and individuals around us. But for the lesson to be received, we have to be willing to be open and present and courageous to see situations from a different perspective. During my yoga certification training, our teacher often reminded us to let go of expectations and attachments so that we’re able to receive what’s meant for us. When we attach to a certain outcome, energetically, we choose to be blind to other opportunities meant for us. And by choosing to be blind, we allow our ego to map our life experience instead of the experience mapping what comes next.

I’ve learned the hard way that attaching to the outcome was wasted effort. I was so emotionally attached that I underestimated the black hole that was swallowing me up. Looking back, I couldn’t be happier the Universe took the wheel and course corrected a path not meant for me. Within weeks of making peace with myself, tremendous opportunities fell in my lap, opportunities that served me as a whole person, not just a professional building my list of accolades.

Trust, forgiveness of myself and others and being open to the possibilities (all possibilities, not just the ones I mapped out), were key in my spiritual growth this past year. And I’m grateful for every hurdle, heartbreak and AHA moment that led me to this space of inner peace.

The post A Season of Hard Lessons appeared first on Engy Neville.