Daniel Bates's Blog, page 5

The Mental Health Benefits of Gratitude

On today’s episode, licensed counselors Dan and Alisha discuss the numerous mental health benefits of gratitude.

Are you a Control Freak?

Have you ever tried to control another person? Controlling another person often leads to bad results. Learn new and effective ways on how to influence another person for your and their benefit.

Learn to Grieve and Adapt After Loss

Think you’ll never be happy again? Read 4 ways to move through grief and adapt after loss.











This article was originally published at FamilyShare.com, you can find the article here.
Change is inevitable. We can’t avoid change as much as we may like to. Kids grow older, the job market shifts, relationships drift apart, physical health breaks down. What worked for you yesterday may not yield the same successes today. Such is life. So, what are you to do?
Accept Change Means Loss
The first step is to face the fact that change means loss. Think about it. When a friend moves across the country, part of you is missing. Or, let’s say, you lose your job. The part of you that came into existence because of your job is gone. Maybe you’re going through a divorce at the moment. That relationship, the love you had, that story … has ended.

Every change is like a death. Obviously, every time you change you aren’t physically dying. But a part of you, a piece of your life, has died.

Therefore, you’re faced with the choice between two alternatives. You could wallow in grief over what you have lost, wishing what changed had never changed. Or, you could adapt and keep moving forward.

But, like I said, this latter option is a choice. It isn’t something you fall into or something that just happens to you. You make the choice to move forward. You make the choice to reorient and restructure your life after the change/loss. This is important to do because the life you once had is gone. Trust me; I’ve seen far too many people pining and wishing for a life they no longer have. They are, effectively, living in the past.

So, what’s the lesson that must be learned? How does someone move forward after change? How do you adapt?
Learn How to Grieve Healthily

An indispensable element of adaptation is having a healthy habit of grieving. But isn’t grief sad? Isn’t grief something that I should avoid? By no means! Grief is not only an indisputable reality of life but also good and healthy. There is such a thing as “good grief” (as Charlie Brown would say).

But sadly, far too many people have no concept of what healthy grief looks like. People think grief is feeling sad and eventually not feeling sad anymore. This couldn’t be further from the truth. There are actually four tasks of healthy grief, as outlined in “Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Professional.”

Task 1: Accept the reality of the loss

You must confront your own denial that part of your life is gone. Your life has changed, but that’s okay. You can’t move until you face reality.

Task 2: Experience the pain of grief

For whatever reason, we are afraid to feel in our culture. We take pills, distract ourselves with entertainment and generally avoid discomfort, but this isn’t helping us. This is compounding our pain. Experience the pain of what you have lost. It is the only way for you to actualize the reality of what has happened.

Task 3: Adjust to an environment with the “deceased” missing

Life is not the same now that your marriage has ended, your friend has moved away or your work has laid you off. You must find a new normal. Don’t try to recreate what you had. Take what’s in front of you and work with that.

Task 4: Find an enduring connection with the “deceased” while embarking on a new life

Even though that part of you is gone and irretrievable as a result of the change, it is still part of who you are. Memories are the foundation of your identity. Cherish what you have lost while moving forward.

Notice these aren’t stages implying that grief is something that you are carried through. Each task requires effort, work and engagement. You must be the driver in your grieving process. Engaging in the hard work of these four tasks allows you to move forward.

Understand Moving Forward Isn’t Easy

Accepting that life is constantly changing and with those changes comes loss, allows you to process grief in a healthy way. And, as I said above, healthy grief empowers you to move forward, which is a key piece in adapting. Then, and only then, can you adjust to a new normal and continue with the stuff of life.

But too many want the moving-forward part without the hard work. That kind of “cheap” moving forward isn’t really moving forward at all. It’s ignoring and avoiding, which actually accomplishes the opposite of moving forward. It keeps you stuck.

“Cheap” moving forward cements you where you are. Physically you are getting older, your kids are growing up and the place you live is changing; but inside, you are still in that same place.

Moving forward isn’t cheap, it will cost you something. You will have to face painful things. You’ll have to accept what is no more. You will have to engage in the four tasks of grief. But, the payoff is the ability to move forward. So, you have to ask yourself: is the cost of moving forward worth it? I would argue it is.

Healthy grieving enriches you as a person. It’s not easy; that’s for sure. But what in life is easy? The things people cherish most are typically things that bear the greatest cost. Is the cost of healthy grieving so scary that you are willing to lose out on the benefit of moving forward?

The Physical Benefits of Spirituality

Want to be healthy? Want to live a long and satisfying life? Do you want your body to stay in the best condition as possible? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you might be interested to know that physical health is closely connected with spiritual health.

My Husband is Cheating, What Should I Do?

I field a listener’s question about her husband’s cheating. What should she do? Can she save her marriage?

How to be Proactive and Avoid the Consequences of being Reactive

Reactivity carries some serious personal disadvantages that can harm your mental health, relationships or family. Learn the lessons of proactive people.

Family Dysfunction and the Roles we play

Families often get stuck in patterns that can be destructive. Find out how to change your role and change your family.

How to Find a Wife and not a Girlfriend

Tired of finding a girlfriend when you are looking for a wife? Here’s what you are doing wrong:

Pursuing Women Purely on the Basis of their Physical Attractiveness– Physical attraction is important, but it can’t be the only reason you desire someone. Do you respect her? Does she make you laugh? Does she make you think? Is she someone you find interesting?
Only Having a Superficial Connection– How much do you really know about your partner? Do you connect over one or two interests and that’s it?
Dating a Woman to Avoid Loneliness– Pursuing a woman for the purposes of not being alone isn’t a very good reason to be with someone. Its a weak foundation for a good relationship.
Not Building Trust– Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship. If you are constantly jealous, or your partner is constantly jealous of you, trust is missing from your relationship.
Ignoring Personal Issues that Drive Women Away– Maybe the problem isn’t the other person, maybe its you?

Here’s what you need to start doing:

Know What You Want Before You Start Looking– If you don’t know what you are looking for, that’s an easy way to get lost. Write out a list of things that are essential characteristics in a wife. Then write out a list of red flags. A wife will match your list, not perfectly, but more so than not. A girlfriend will not match the list a little bit.
Look for a Woman that Challenges You and Doesn’t Simply Agree with You– A wife will better you. A girlfriend will have fun with you. Find a woman who loving accepts and challenges your weaknesses and appreciates your strengths.
Look for a Woman Who Shares Your Values– Its true, opposites attract, but they don’t make for good long-term relationships. Similarities are essential for a long-lasting connection– birds of a feather flock together.
Love Her for Who She IS, Not for Who You Want Her to BE– Its easy to be attracted to the idea of someone. In other words, its easy to fall in-love with a fantasy; loving a real person is much harder. However, the real, tough, challenging kind of love, that isn’t pretty, is the most rewarding kind of love. Make sure you love her for who she is and not what you want her to be.
Is Your Relationship Based on Trust, Commitment and Passion?– These are the three pillars of any positive, healthy relationship. If your relationship is supported by only one pillar, it won’t land you wife. You’ll know she’s wife material if all three pillars support your relationship.

 

The Courage to Create

This post was originally published on NothingAnyGood.com. Click here to read!

Creativity is not about formulating the perfect idea. It’s about formulating enough ideas till you find a winner. Do you agree or disagree? I can understand skepticism regarding this idea. It makes sense that in order to come up with a really great idea you have to put a great deal of work into it. But this is where common sense may fail you. Creativity is counterintuitive.

There is more trial and error in creativity than you may realize. I once heard an analogy that may shed light on this point. In a college pottery class a professor split the class into two groups. Each group was given the same assignment: to make the best vase over the course of 1 month. However, each group was given different conditions. Group 1 could use as much time as they wanted on each vase they created. Group 2 could only spend a limited amount of time on each vase they made.

After the month elapsed the professor had the two groups present their final work. Each group, after a lot of hard work, unveiled their final work. Before the unveiling, there was an assumption made by the class that Group 1 was going to win. Given the limitations of Group 2 and the advantage of Group 1 you can see why they thought this. However, to everyone’s shock, the two vases unveiled could not have been more different regarding quality, aesthetics, and sturdiness. Group 2’s vase was unparalleled in every way. Group 2’s vase was superior to Group 1. But how could this be? Group 1 didn’t have any constraints. At best, Group 2 was slated to produce more, but no one thought their product would be better because group 1 was granted the time to make a masterwork.

The class demanded an answer from the professor. The professor smiled. He said because Group 2 was forced to produce more, they were given greater opportunity to learn from their mistakes. This allowed them to reflect, make modifications and ultimately create a beautiful final product whereas Group 1 put an inordinate amount of time into only a few vases effectively limiting their mistakes and limiting their learning. Therefore, more vases lead to more mistakes which lead to more learning and eventually to a better product.

The lesson for writers— and anyone really—write a lot and make a lot of mistakes. Don’t get hung up on making your work perfect. And don’t give up. The first book I wrote was an abysmal failure. The writing wasn’t good. The structure of the book was nonexistent. My sentences were clunky and unclear. I didn’t know who my target audience was. I probably made every writing mistake you could make. And sadly, I spent 2 ½ years on the thing.

I could have looked at all those failures and given up on my dream of becoming a writer. But, instead I learned from my mistakes and kept writing. I realized the first book was exactly that, my first. It wasn’t my one and only shot at writing a book I could be proud of. And the book wasn’t my one and only good idea. It was, in fact, the floodgate to a host of future ideas and books. After making this realization, I found that I was more excited to write. I had more ideas. I was more passionate and better equipped to execute my new ideas.

I now see my past writing failures as essential to my current writing successes. I recently finished and published my latest book on thinking errors that render parents ineffective. My latest book is When Parenting Backfires and its available on Amazon in paperback and Kindle. I utilized all the lessons I learned in the writing of this book. Not only did I write the book in half the time it took me to write the first one, I also enjoyed the writing process more. The writing is clearer, more focused and purposeful. Again, this progress is the product of learning from failure.

My challenge to you, embrace the process of failure. Trust that your mistakes will lead to success. Trust that your current idea that feels like a dud will lead a stroke of genius. It will be a stepping stone to your magnum opus. And keep in mind it is an act of courage to create. Don’t think for a second that it’s trivial. No one else can articulate your vision with your voice and your passion. Only you can breathe life into your idea.

Is The Joker Really Psychotic?

Homicidal maniac, nihilist, domestic terrorist, super-villain, criminal mastermind— whatever you want to call him, the Joker is one bad dude. The Joker may very well be one of the greatest super-villains of all time. Fitting since Batman is arguably the greatest superhero. But not much is known about where Joker comes from. There are many possibilities. One that is most likely simply because it offers the best juxtaposition with Batman is the story of Joker falling into a vat of acid while fleeing from Batman. The acid discolored his skin, turned his hair green, and his lips bright red. After seeing his own appearance, Joker went insane.

What does insane actually mean? I once had an amazing pizza and called it “insane.” I recently watched the movie Deadpool and I thought it was “insanely good!” The way insane is used by the general public can vary widely in its meaning. Furthermore, it’s an outdated term not used by mental health professional today. Therefore, filmmakers, comic book and game writers often use the term psychotic to describe Joker with greater clarity. But does Joker actually meet the clinical and diagnostic criteria?

Psychotic Disorder (PD) is primarily defined as a break with reality. Thoughts and perceptions are abnormal. People perceive things (visual and auditory) that are not there (hallucinations), see attacks where there are none (paranoia), or believe things that aren’t true (delusions). Schizophrenia is a Psychotic Disorder and Bipolar Disorder can have PD features. Drugs and alcohol, brain tumors, strokes and brain infections can also cause PD. Knowing this, could I diagnose the Joker with PD?

Honestly no. He perceives threats from his enemies; that’s not abnormal. He’s not hallucinating Batman, Superman, or Wonder Woman; they’re real (in the fictional sense). So that rules out hallucination. Batman has done harm to Joker and he does want to apprehend him. The threat to Joker is real, that’s not paranoia. Finally, I don’t see any evidence of delusions. Joker is correct in his observation that mankind has a dark side. His primary goal is to destroy the structures and institutions of society thus creating anarchy. Joker is making an assumption that when those structures are gone humanity will be revealed for the degenerate animal it is. This isn’t delusional, in fact, Joker sits nicely in the same camp of philosophers such a Thomas Hobbes, Friedrich Nietzsche, and Arthur Schopenhauer to name a few.  Yet, unlike these thinkers, Joker wants to make philosophy reality. That’s not delusional, that’s just evil. Therefore, I’d be hard pressed to diagnose Joker with PD. I think it’s more likely that Joker suffers from a personality disorder.

In The Dark Knight Rises movie directed by Christopher Nolan, Alfred compares the Joker to a criminal he was hunting in Bolivia. Alfred shares the story as an analogy for the purposes of understanding the Joker. Alfred concludes his story with “Some men just want to watch the world burn.” Alfred correctly asserts Joker desires to see institutions and structures of society destroyed so that humanity’s mask of morality can be removed. He is an anarchist in the truest sense of the word. Therefore, I think it’s likely that the Joker suffers from Antisocial Personality Disorder (APD).

What is Antisocial Personality Disorder? Often I hear people misuse the term antisocial for someone who is introverted. Antisocial doesn’t mean you’re against being social. It means you’re against society. In fact, I have worked with clients with this diagnosis who I found very socially adept. APD has nothing to do with someone’s ability to make friends. It’s about how a person views the rights of another person. For example, someone diagnosed with APD would disregard the rights, entitlements, feelings, thoughts, and needs of others. Given the opportunity to benefit oneself at the risk of harming another person, a person with this disorder wouldn’t think twice. They’d immediately go with the option that benefits themselves without any regard for the other. The impact of their actions on others means little to them. Someone diagnosed with APD would feel no remorse or regret for actions that harmed another. Oddly enough, someone with APD could be very charming and charismatic. They are also violent, abusive, egotistical, impulsive, have no regard for right and wrong, and don’t mind taking risks. Hmmmm who does that sound like to you? Bingo! Joker fits the profile perfectly. So drop the misnomer of psychotic and call a spade a spade, I mean a Joker a Joker for the antisocial personality disorder he is.