Daniel Bates's Blog, page 4

This is How You Fight

It’s easy to fight in a way that unproductive and ruins relationships. In this podcast I give you practical tips on how to fight in a way that preserves relationship and furthers the conversation.

This is How You Should Fight

Couples fall into common pitfalls when they get into arguments. These pitfalls, although tempting to fall into, only create damage and hurt relationships. Not listening, arguing to be right, attacks, accusations, bringing up past mistakes, and blowing up or shutting down feel good in the moment, but, in the long-term, they destroy loving relationships. Whatever the pitfall you find yourself falling into, change starts with you. You must lead the way to a better relationship by changing your conflict resolution style. Emphasis on the word resolution. When you have conflict, it should be done for the purpose of resolution, not venting your feelings ore inflicting pain on the other person. So, how do you do that? Here’s my practical, step-by-step advice on how to fight constructively with your partner.

Step 1: Communicate and listen to understand the other person, not to build a case against them. Often times, partners listen to each other in order to find the weak spot in their argument, or an inconsistency, or a factual error. If you do this, your conflicts will always end in disaster. Instead, listen to your partner in order to understand them. Practically speaking, you need to listen so that you get where they are coming from. THEN, articulate that understanding to them. I coach couples to use an Empathy Statement at this point in the conversation. An empathy statement is where you identify what the other person is feeling “You feel hurt…” and then explain the reason why they feel that way “because I forgot our anniversary.” You can also say, “I understand you feel… because…” or something like that.

Step 2: Clarify if you heard them correctly. This is an important step. Use simple statements like “Did I hear you right?” “Am I hearing you correctly?” “Did I get that right?” “What am I missing?” These questions allow the other person to clear up a misunderstanding, to add more to what they said or to correct you if you aren’t understanding them correctly. Clarification is a gesture of respect and it helps couples get on the same page.

Step 3: If, and only if you have done the hard work of understanding the other person, then you can offer your side of the story. And the way you do this will make or break the conversation. The way you do this practically is to give “I” Statements. I Statements are similar to Empathy Statements, yet you are the one sharing your feelings and the reasoning. Start out saying “I feel hurt…” and then provide the reasoning or explanation for why you feel that way, “because you forgot our anniversary.” So the formula is “I feel (name the emotion)… because (explanation why you feel that emotion)….” And when explaining the emotion, be brief. Don’t use this skill as an excuse to put the other person on blast.

Step 4: Problem solving. When both parties feel heard and understood by the other person, then and only then, focus on solutions to the problem. I walk clients through a 3-fold problem solving skill. Start with Brainstorming ideas. I often have to caution partners to not shoot down an idea prematurely. The brainstorming time is a judgement free-zone. Just throw out as many ideas as you can. Then, weigh the Pros and Cons of each idea. This step may surprise in that what you thought was a bad idea initially, may in fact be a good idea after considering the pros and cons. Finally, pick the best idea and Commit to it. This may require some negotiating and compromise between the two of you, but hey, that’s adulthood. When compromising you are more likely to get some of what you want rather than none of what you want. So, give it a try, and may you fight in a manner that builds respect between the two of you.

This is How to Fight

Couples fall into common pitfalls when they get into arguments. These pitfalls, although tempting to fall into, only create damage and hurt relationships. Not listening, arguing to be right, attacks, accusations, bringing up past mistakes, and blowing up or shutting down feel good in the moment, but, in the long-term, they destroy loving relationships. Whatever the pitfall you find yourself falling into, change starts with you. You must lead the way to a better relationship by changing your conflict resolution style. Emphasis on the word resolution. When you have conflict, it should be done for the purpose of resolution, not venting your feelings ore inflicting pain on the other person. So, how do you do that? Here’s my practical, step-by-step advice on how to fight constructively with your partner.

Step 1: Communicate and listen to understand the other person, not to build a case against them. Often times, partners listen to each other in order to find the weak spot in their argument, or an inconsistency, or a factual error. If you do this, your conflicts will always end in disaster. Instead, listen to your partner in order to understand them. Practically speaking, you need to listen so that you get where they are coming from. THEN, articulate that understanding to them. I coach couples to use an Empathy Statement at this point in the conversation. An empathy statement is where you identify what the other person is feeling “You feel hurt…” and then explain the reason why they feel that way “because I forgot our anniversary.” You can also say, “I understand you feel… because…” or something like that.

Step 2: Clarify if you heard them correctly. This is an important step. Use simple statements like “Did I hear you right?” “Am I hearing you correctly?” “Did I get that right?” “What am I missing?” These questions allow the other person to clear up a misunderstanding, to add more to what they said or to correct you if you aren’t understanding them correctly. Clarification is a gesture of respect and it helps couples get on the same page.

Step 3: If, and only if you have done the hard work of understanding the other person, then you can offer your side of the story. And the way you do this will make or break the conversation. The way you do this practically is to give “I” Statements. I Statements are similar to Empathy Statements, yet you are the one sharing your feelings and the reasoning. Start out saying “I feel hurt…” and then provide the reasoning or explanation for why you feel that way, “because you forgot our anniversary.” So the formula is “I feel (name the emotion)… because (explanation why you feel that emotion)….” And when explaining the emotion, be brief. Don’t use this skill as an excuse to put the other person on blast.

Step 4: Problem solving. When both parties feel heard and understood by the other person, then and only then, focus on solutions to the problem. I walk clients through a 3-fold problem solving skill. Start with Brainstorming ideas. I often have to caution partners to not shoot down an idea prematurely. The brainstorming time is a judgement free-zone. Just throw out as many ideas as you can. Then, weigh the Pros and Cons of each idea. This step may surprise in that what you thought was a bad idea initially, may in fact be a good idea after considering the pros and cons. Finally, pick the best idea and Commit to it. This may require some negotiating and compromise between the two of you, but hey, that’s adulthood. When compromising you are more likely to get some of what you want rather than none of what you want. So, give it a try, and may you fight in a manner that builds respect between the two of you.

That’s Not What I Meant To Say

Regardless of your intent, your can be received in numerous ways. Here’s advice on to communicate effectively.

How Mental Illness Affects the Brain

The science can be hard to understand so I’ve broken down difficult concepts into easy to understand terms.

Counselor Spotlight: Marissa Talarico

I had the great opportunity to interview local marriage and family therapist, Marissa Talarico. She is a gifted therapist who specializes in couples dealing with infidelity, anxiety, and family issues. She also specializes in sex therapy treating a wide range of challenges, including sex addiction. She sees clients at her office in downtown Vancouver, Washington. I had the chance to meet up with her for coffee and ask some questions.

What kind of counselor are you?

Theoretically I am trained as a marriage and family therapist. What this means to me is that I view your problem statement in a context. I look at not only where you are at now, and who you consider your family, but also the ways in which you were raised, what community you feel most closely tied to, and who you have in your life. I truly believe in understanding and hearing the whole person that you are, as opposed to only hearing about the problem that brings you into the therapy room.

How long have you been practicing counseling?

It seems like I have practiced as a counselor my whole life. From early childhood I often found myself in the position with my friends as the listener, the advice giver, the shoulder to bear ones soul to. Professionally I have spent my entire adult life in the helping services ranging from caregiving, working in memory care, to case management and counseling.

Where is your practice?

My practice is located at 905 Officers Row in Vancouver WA. This offers a convenience to both Portland and Vancouver areas.

What are your specialties?

My passion is working with couples in the midst of some really tough relationship challenges. In my experience sex and sexuality is so often tied into this, and I have found a passion in working with couples issues ranging from affairs, to sex addiction. I find that when couples are able to be vulnerable and work through some of these issues they feel well rounded in their entire life.

What do you like about counseling?

One of my favorite aspects of working with folks is to bear witness to their incredible courage and vulnerability it takes to be present in the therapy room. These couples, the growth they make, and greater satisfaction they gain from their work inspires me to be a better person in my private life, to be a more well read therapist, to be a better everything. I also attached my headshot to add to the interview.

What is challenging about your work?

The greatest challenge I experience is the balance of giving just enough to my clients, and not too much. It is important to me, in what I understand systemically that I provide a safe space, free of judgment to folks to share their vulnerability with me, but not to walk with them in the future journey of healing. What I mean by this is, I offer the psychically and emotionally space to navigate that journey, but you get to physically walk the journey each day as you bring the courage to your own life.

How has counseling changed you personally?

I feel so grateful for a career as a therapist, largely based on the fact that it has allowed me to grow personally. I can have a better understanding of humans, the ways in which we interact, and what our underlying needs are. But the greatest change I have personally felt, is the true understanding of how vulnerable it is to be open and honest with oneself, and the courage it takes to be there in the moment. I truly see my clients as some of the most courageous people, and want to praise them for their openness.

***To find out more about Marissa and her counseling practice click here to access her website.

Counelor Spotlight: Marissa Talarico

I had the great opportunity to interview local marriage and family therapist, Marissa Talarico. She is a gifted therapist who specializes in couples dealing with infidelity, anxiety, and family issues. She also specializes in sex therapy treating a wide range of challenges, including sex addiction. She sees clients at her office in downtown Vancouver, Washington. I had the chance to meet up with her for coffee and ask some questions.

What kind of counselor are you?

Theoretically I am trained as a marriage and family therapist. What this means to me is that I view your problem statement in a context. I look at not only where you are at now, and who you consider your family, but also the ways in which you were raised, what community you feel most closely tied to, and who you have in your life. I truly believe in understanding and hearing the whole person that you are, as opposed to only hearing about the problem that brings you into the therapy room.

How long have you been practicing counseling?

It seems like I have practiced as a counselor my whole life. From early childhood I often found myself in the position with my friends as the listener, the advice giver, the shoulder to bear ones soul to. Professionally I have spent my entire adult life in the helping services ranging from caregiving, working in memory care, to case management and counseling.

Where is your practice?

My practice is located at 905 Officers Row in Vancouver WA. This offers a convenience to both Portland and Vancouver areas.

What are your specialties?

My passion is working with couples in the midst of some really tough relationship challenges. In my experience sex and sexuality is so often tied into this, and I have found a passion in working with couples issues ranging from affairs, to sex addiction. I find that when couples are able to be vulnerable and work through some of these issues they feel well rounded in their entire life.

What do you like about counseling?

One of my favorite aspects of working with folks is to bear witness to their incredible courage and vulnerability it takes to be present in the therapy room. These couples, the growth they make, and greater satisfaction they gain from their work inspires me to be a better person in my private life, to be a more well read therapist, to be a better everything. I also attached my headshot to add to the interview.

What is challenging about your work?

The greatest challenge I experience is the balance of giving just enough to my clients, and not too much. It is important to me, in what I understand systemically that I provide a safe space, free of judgment to folks to share their vulnerability with me, but not to walk with them in the future journey of healing. What I mean by this is, I offer the psychically and emotionally space to navigate that journey, but you get to physically walk the journey each day as you bring the courage to your own life.

How has counseling changed you personally?

I feel so grateful for a career as a therapist, largely based on the fact that it has allowed me to grow personally. I can have a better understanding of humans, the ways in which we interact, and what our underlying needs are. But the greatest change I have personally felt, is the true understanding of how vulnerable it is to be open and honest with oneself, and the courage it takes to be there in the moment. I truly see my clients as some of the most courageous people, and want to praise them for their openness.

***To find out more about Marissa and her counseling practice click here to access her website.

When Your Loved One Is Depressed

Depression is a widely misunderstood mental health disorder. Depression affects people’s careers, sexuality, physical health, and emotional health. But one affect is often ignored because it lives in the periphery. Family, friends, spouses, children, and significant others are also greatly affected by their loved one’s depression. They too carry the burden of depression. Often, treatment only focuses on the individual, but what about those who care for them? What are family members and significant others supposed to do when their loved one is in emotional pain? How can they help? How can they care for themselves when caring for their loved one? These are important questions that are rarely discussed. Below you will find 10 steps to take when your loved is depressed.

Depression doesn’t define your loved one. Depression can change a person’s personality. However, the change isn’t permanent. Think of depression like turning the volume dial down on a speaker. It’s still playing the same music, but at diminished level. Your family member still has the same personality, but it is turned down. People recover from depression every day and regain their energy, motivation and most importantly, their personality. That person you once knew is still there.
Remember to take care of yourself. Taking care of and or living with someone who is suffering from depression can be emotionally taxing. It is not selfish for you to take care of yourself. It also doesn’t mean you also have to be depressed. There is an appropriate level of emotional distance that is healthy for your wellbeing and for you loved one. Too much involvement in their mental illness can be a bad thing. Also, you are showing your loved one how to take care of themselves when you take care of yourself.
Have patience. Depending on what type of depression your loved one has, recovery will take a great deal of time. Know that there is a lot of trial and error in recovery. The reason being, depression compromises someone’s motivation for healing. In many other types of mental illness, despite the gravity of the psychological issue, their motivation for healing and change is strong. With depression, that motivation is greatly diminish. Without motivation for change, depression takes a long time to heal. Therefore, have patience with your loved one and have patience with the process of healing. If they are taking medication, going to counseling, or attending a support group, give time for these treatments to work.
Maintain a predictable and regular schedule. Depression has a way of stalling life. It is like chewing molasses; it makes life slow and arduous. This affects your loved one and it affects you as well. It’s important to acknowledge that. Yet, it doesn’t have to overwhelm your life. You can still have dreams, goals and ambitions while still taking time to be there for your loved one. In fact, when your life is built on the foundation of structure, routine, and predictability, you create a stable environment. Stability is something your loved one needs when they feel like they are emotionally spiraling down.
Look for vicarious symptoms. Be watchful for taking on the depressed symptoms of your loved one. Since your loved one has been diagnosed with depression, or when they started showing signs of depression, have you noticed, in yourself, any of the following:


Feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness or hopelessness
Angry outbursts, irritability or frustration, even over small matters
Loss of interest or pleasure in most or all normal activities, such as sex, hobbies or sports
Sleep disturbances, including insomnia or sleeping too much
Tiredness and lack of energy, so even small tasks take extra effort
Changes in appetite — often reduced appetite and weight loss, but increased cravings for food and weight gain in some people
Anxiety, agitation or restlessness
Slowed thinking, speaking or body movements
Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or blaming yourself for things that aren’t your responsibility
Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things
Frequent or recurrent thoughts of death, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts or suicide
Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches

If you are experiencing any of the aforementioned symptoms, take notice. As I mentioned before, be consistent with your self-care. Take time for yourself to recharge your batteries. You may even need to seek out a counselor for yourself. You are no help to anyone if you are living an emotionally drained life.

You are not enough. Know that you are not enough. The love, help, support, and care you provide for your loved is important, but it’s not enough. This is a difficult pill to swallow, yet, it can come as a relief to some. You are not enough because you shouldn’t be. Your loved one’s recovery from depression shouldn’t rest entirely on your shoulders. It has been said ‘it takes a village to raise a child,’ well, it also takes a village to help a depressed person recover. Seek out support structures for your loved one so that you aren’t the only lifeline. Support structures can be anything: faith community, pastoral care, support groups, clubs, online gamer affiliations, depression forums, friends, family members, treatment groups, and mental health professionals.
Work with mental health professionals. Mental health professionals are trained in evidence-based treatments that can help those suffering from mental health disorders like depression. Counselors have expertise in depression and are effective at treating the disorder. In addition to counseling, taking medication prescribed and monitored by a psychiatrist is effective treatment. Counselors also run group therapy for depressed clients. These treatments work best in combination.
Be informed. Learning as much as you can about the nature of depression can only help you and your loved one. Read, study and research the causes of depression, symptoms, and treatments. Some of the causes may be:


Stressful events such as the death of a loved one, unemployment, childhood trauma, divorce, or domestic abuse
A chronic medical condition such as diabetes, heart disease, or cancer
Parents, siblings, or other family members with a history of depression
Drug or alcohol abuse

Understanding the cause can help you, as a family member or significant other, support your loved one. They may have depression that is based in a medical condition. If that’s the case, they need to see a doctor. If they are depressed due to a drug addiction, they may need to be checked into an inpatient or outpatient drug and alcohol treatment facility. If the cause is stress, they may need to see a counselor to work on effective stress management strategies. Identifying the cause of depression can be helpful in its treatment.

Adjust your expectations. Recognize that your loved one may not have the same goals, ambitions, drive, and passion as they once had before depression. You will need to adjust your expectations. You won’t be able to depend on them like you once did. The support, love and affection you received from them won’t be as readily available as it once was. Depression makes people forgetful, absent minded, and lethargic. If you send them out shopping, they may come back without some items you requested. In social settings, they may not be as entertaining as they once were. This is not their fault. Don’t hold it against them. You need to adjust your expectations.
Maintain hope. The worst thing you can do is lose hope. Your loved one needs you now more than ever. They may be hopeless, but they can lean on your hope and belief. Recovery from depression is possible; people do it every day. It takes a lot of hard work, patience, trial and error, treatment and the support of a community, but it’s possible. The way of recovery may seem unclear, but, trust the process.

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/basics/symptoms/CON-20032977. Retrieval Date: Sept. 5th, 2016.

https://www.drugs.com/cg/depression.html. Retrieval date: Sept. 5th, 2016.

The Art of the Steal

How can you be as successful, but not actually as successful, but come close to my level of success? I, Donald J. Trump, am going to give you 10 “Pro-deal, success-hacks” to make a steal of a deal anywhere, anytime. Trust me, I know a thing or two about success. I’ve made millions of dollars from the deals I’ve made. I’ve made some tremendous deals, but I’ve used my brain. My magnificently intelligent, good brain. So, I’m telling you, you’ll want to take tips from a good-brained guy like me. One who’s been successful in almost every area of life, and I mean every single area. Up there, over there, all the areas, trust me, I’ve been successful. So, do yourself a huge favor, read my tips and make great great deals!

1.       Use amazing, fantastic, over-the-top language to describe what you are talking about. Since I talk about myself more than anything else, I’m usually describing my incredible qualities with unbelievable language. I really believe, if you do this, you’ll make amazing deals. I have the best words. I use all the best words at my disposal. As many as I can. Words are game-changers. Use good words. Don’t putz around with bad words. Using bad words makes you weak. Weakness won’t get you deals.

2.     Use very short sentences. I don’t like my amazing sentences to go on for too long, otherwise, people get distracted. I don’t want them to be distracted from what they should be focusing on, me. Also, I am the most interesting thing going on so why would they want to pay attention to anything else? I truly feel this way. Believe me, there isn’t a more entertaining, intelligent person than me. Listen to me, I know what I am talking about.

3.      Exude a lot of confidence. Whatever you’re talking about, even if it’s something you know nothing about, it doesn’t matter, believe me, just be confident. As long as you have confidence, people listen. People like winners. I’m a winner. So, you can be a winner too if you do what I say, trust me. I truly feel, in my gut, I’m not even using my really good brain, just my gut, if you have an astonishing level of confidence, you will make a steal of a deal.

4.     Constantly give your audience commands in your sentences like “Listen to me” “Believe me” Trust me” “Be a winner.” People want to feel like someone is in charge. I hire and fire. It’s what I do. I make millions of dollars from my great tremendous deals. It’s what I do. But that is only because I tell people what to do. And, I can only do that because I truly believe, in fact, I know, that I am better than everyone else. I am better looking than most men; women throw themselves at me, I can’t help it. I have a very good brain. I’m absurdly smart, just ask my dear friend Bill Gates. In fact, we were on the phone just the other day and he said to me, “You know Donald, you are so smart.” Don’t believe, call him up. Call him right now. Call him!

5.     Mock, ridicule and berate your opponent. You need to establish, when making a deal, that you are better than the other person. In fact, they are so dumb, woman-brained, and weak that they will just trust your judgement. This is what I live for. I don’t care about the money, even though I make millions. For me, this is truly how I feel in my gut, I love making a steal of a deal. I live for the deal. I want to make a statement about what a great great individual I am. So, make them feel dumb, like they can’t trust themselves, and you can’t go wrong.

6.     Name-drop and reference notable people, often. Believe me, this works. Just ask my dear friend, and a very special person I might add, Kelly Ripa. I was just talking to her the other day and she said to me “Donald, you know so many famous and wealthy people. I feel so intimidated to talk to you.” I know Kelly, you’re not the only one. There are many people who feel that way. I could name a very long list, but I won’t. I like to stay humble.

7.     Make strong, outlandish, and unsupported claims. I know, for a fact, that I am very successful. Do you know how I know that? For me, it’s not about the millions I make, it’s about the deals I make. Barack Obama created ISIS because he is a Muslim himself. He’s one, believe me. I know it to be true. I have a very good, reliable source. Also, Obama told me as much when he asked me not to run for president because I would probably win. He’s right, that’s one thing we agree on. How am I able to throw out so many claims without having to back them up with logic or evidence, simple, keep talking. Dominate the conversation. Continually congratulate yourself. Tell them you know for certain. Tell them you have sources, but can’t name them. Tell them many people agree with you. Tell them it makes sense, but don’t try to show them how it makes sense. They are probably too stupid to understand anyways.

8.     Reference how well loved and respected you are by entire people groups. As a matter of fact, I was talking to the Black community just the other day. And you know what they said to me? They said to me “Donald, you totally get us. All of us. We speak as one unit. And we love you. All of us. As a community we support you. You ae so classy.” It was really quite incredible. That is one classy group of people right there. The gays also love me. Women love me, but they love me for other reasons. Ivanka said to me just the other day “Dad, if you weren’t my dad, I’d probably be dating you.” I swear she said this, I don’t lie. Trust me. She said it. You can call her and ask. Call her.

9.     If someone makes a good point, or they point out examples of your greed, corruption, crooked deals, immoral business practices, ways you cheat the system that you can’t contest or challenge because they’re right, spin it into a positive. You really have to put some English on it, but I know you can do it, believe me. When Hillary said I hadn’t paid taxes for a period of tremendous time, instead of arguing, I spun it into a positive. I was able to not pay taxes and cheat the system because I AM SMART. I have a good brain. I’m able to be so corrupt and immoral because I’m smart. If you’re smart, right and wrong don’t matter.

10.   And finally, blame others for your mistakes. And when you blame others, don’t limit yourself to individuals. You should probably blame entire people groups, trust me, it gets results. This is a fabulous way to get a steal of a deal. Blame entire people groups. For example, the Mexicans. Yes, it’s true, they love me. I have a great relationship with the Mexicans. But they are the source of America’s problems. They, as a whole, are all rapists and crooks. Just the other day, I was talking to the Mexicans and they said to me, you won’t believe this, it’s really incredible what they said “You know, Donald, you’re right about us. You are so right. How did you know? Anyways, we can’t get one past you. Love you Donald. We, the Mexicans, love you. So much.” It’s unbelievable, I know, but believe it, it happened. You can check. Go ahead, call the Mexicans. They’ll tell you.

 

You’re welcome for my ten tips. If you truly want to be almost as successful as me, Donald J. Trump, do my tips. They really are my best tips for making a steal of a deal. These tips get results, believe me, ask anyone. Ask my friend Matt Lauer, a very special person. He knows. Call him. He knows.

The Relationship Between Spiritual Growth and Mental Health Counseling

What is the relationship, if any, between spiritual growth and mental health counseling? What should the Church’s interest be in mental health? Certainly, the Church is not a mental health agency, nor should it be. The Church is the visible body of Christ on Earth. The Church is the pillar of truth. Its primary purpose is proclamation of the truth of the gospel. And the body is the vehicle for demonstrating gospel by the way its members love one another. So, where does the topic of mental health fit into the purpose of the Church?

These are important questions for Church leaders to ponder since our culture has become more open, accepting and attentive to the issue of mental health and illness. It is an issue at the forefront of the social conscious. Up till now, mental illness has been a taboo topic for many. The reason being, mental illness carries with it a heavy stigma. Mental illness has been viewed as a sign of weakness, of poor choices and moral deficiency. Consequently, the Church has paid little attention to mental health and has, to a degree, co-opted the previous long-standing cultural view.

This is a problem. Not because the Church isn’t at pace with the culture. But because the gospel surely has application to mental health and illness. And, statistically speaking, a large percentage of Church members either have a mental illness, will have a mental illness, are related to someone with a mental illness or knows someone who does.

Furthermore, mental illness has an impact on spiritual health and growth. From a pastoral counseling/discipleship perspective, mental illness is “the elephant in the room.” Spiritual growth is impacted by mental illness. Moreover, the relationship is a two-way street. Spirituality can have an important impact on mental health. Yet, the how is unknown. How is spiritual growth impacted by mental illness? How does spiritual growth apply to mental illness? Undoubtedly, there is a relationship between these two topics, but many pastors, pastoral counselors, chaplains, disciple-makers, Churches and counselors are unsure of the connection.

Since the connection is an unknown, pastors are trying to help with one hand tied behind their backs. They know there’s a problem, but they have no tools to fix it. Attempts are made to help, and they are hit or miss. This leaves the parishioner who needs help, confused, disillusioned and thinking their faith has no connection with their daily experience of mental illness. This is a division that ought not exist. Surely the gospel has application to mental illness?

 

Knowing God

 

In Psalm 46:10 the writer said “Be still, and know that I am God.” What does it mean to know God? In the Old Testament (OT), the Hebrew root word for “know” is yada. Depending on the context, yada can mean learning, understanding, perceiving, performing, sexual intercourse, willing, and experiencing. That’s a wide range of meaning for just one word. However, this isn’t unusual in the art and science of translation. Depending on the context, it is a word that can be used to indicate intellectual information, yet it can also be used to indicate intimacy, even sex. In the story of Laban and Jacob, for example, when Jacob went to bed with who he thought was Rachel, but, in fact, was Leah, he lied with her and knew her. In other words, he had sex with her.

It’s important to understand, David isn’t suggesting that we have sex with God. He is saying, however, that we can know God intimately. This is the sense in which David is speaking. He’s saying that we can experience God with the totality of our being. We can have intimate communion with God. Knowing is so much more than knowledge, it is an experience of God’s presence. Knowing God, deeply, intimately, with the entirety of our being is what we were made for. It is the purpose for our existence. It is the source of our happiness. The first question and answer in the Westminster Catechism is “What is the chief end of man? Man’s chief end is to glorify God and to enjoy him forever.” John Piper, influential preacher and author, said “God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him.” But knowing God and being satisfied in Him aren’t easy tasks. We are fallen creatures. The ways in which we think, feel and behave are tainted by sin.

Thankfully, God hasn’t left humanity to languish in that state of darkness. We have the ability to discern between right and wrong. We have an innate sense of who God is on a very basic level. We have dignity because we were made in the image of God. Yet, these things are not sufficient to save us. When we place our faith in Jesus we are justified. Yet, we aren’t sanctified. We are being sanctified through ongoing work of the Holy Spirit over the course of our time on Earth. This is a process of correcting the lingering effects of sin in our thinking, feeling or behaving or confronting existing sin.

 

Barriers

 

Sin, the presence or impact of it, presents a barrier to authentic relationship to God. That isn’t to say, a barrier is sinful. Mental illness is the result of the fall. It is a result of Adam’s sin. Yet, for a parishioner to have a barrier like mental illness is not a sin in itself. I believe this is an important distinction to make, and is worthy of further discussion and qualifications.

There are barriers that get in the way of knowing God. Barriers can be intellectual, habitual, historical (i.e. past experience of spiritual abuse), or psychological. Barriers can stunt spiritual growth, limit our sanctification and inhibit discipleship. Since barriers can range in their nature, the tools to overcome the barriers will vary also. A spiritual tool or intervention won’t always work. For example, if someone approached a pastor with an intellectual difficulty regarding the Christian faith, the pastor wouldn’t recommend Bible memorization. There’s nothing wrong with memorizing passages, but that intervention won’t get at the problem. The person likely needs apologetic resources and answers.

In the same way, if someone had a mental health issue, they would need mental health services. It may be necessary to use non-spiritual tools to meet spiritual ends. One of those tools can address barriers to spiritual growth is mental health counseling. Counselors are trained in evidence-based models to treat issues like depression, anxiety, trauma, addiction, relational and marital problems, personality disorders and so on. Counselors can play a meaningful role in someone’s spiritual growth and discipleship by addressing mental health issues that are holding them back.

John Piper, Desiring God

Romans 1:18-23

Topics for further discussion would be, can mental illness be the result of sin? Can someone with a mental illness sin or, are their actions the result of the mental illness in which case they can’t be held responsible? Certainly, the choices we make can either worsen or heal mental illness. The choices we make can create fertile ground for mental illness in ourselves or in others. Therefore, personal responsibility must come into the discussion at some point. Regardless of mental illness, people are still responsible for their choices. And personal responsibility does open the door for sin to be discussed.