Hannah R. Goodman's Blog, page 5
March 2, 2019
FREE DOWNLOAD TODAY AND TOMORROW!
Click here to downloadp.p1 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px 'Helvetica Neue'}
The companion #eBook boxed set to Till It Stops Beating…3 books in one! FREE today and tomorrow. DOWNLOAD a copy now! Read about the break up of Maddie and Justin…how Maddie first met Sean…how Peter and Susan were once the IT couple…Follow Maddie to summer camp where she meets Zak…and then onto her junior year where she stands up for what’s right, even if it means risking losing it all.
p.p1 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px 'Helvetica Neue'} “She's an "old soul" who reminds me of a plate spinner with a tad too many disks in the air. But she keeps it going, though at times we're reminded of the price paid along the way. I feel this connection, not just because of shared circumstances, but because it all feels so damn real.” - Amazon Reviewer 5 Stars
March 1, 2019
9 Questions Author Interview Series- Robert Kearns
Welcome to my new blog series! Over the next few weeks, I will be featuring interviews of authors from all over the globe who write in a wide variety of genres. Being an author in 2019 is exciting as there are so many opportunities to share your work online, and this is my way of contributing to the movement.In an effort to support my author friends (and yes, to market myself) I created this simple interview comprised of 9 (thank you J.D. Salinger) questions with the intention to introduce you into the write/author's mind (yikes!) and world.
We begin the series with my author-brother from Black Rose Writing, Robert E. Kearns, who comes to us from Dublin, Ireland.
Hy Brasil, Island of Eternity Robert E. Kearns
What message are you hoping people will receive when they read your book?
My desire is for the reader to discover a book with a great story as well as terrific writing.
Why did you write this book?
I wanted to prove that ambitions can be fulfilled. It is possible to write a good novel in your forties.
What has been the hardest part of the publishing process?
Every bit of it is tough. Even after a publisher is found, which in itself is a major hurdle to overcome; there remains the challenge of getting your book noticed. None of it is easy.
What has been the biggest (pleasant) surprise in your publishing journey?
That a debut novelist can write a book a publisher thinks is worth picking up. It’s a surprise in some ways a wonderful feeling in others.
Would you write a sequel to your book? Why or why not?
Perhaps in the future. There might be one waiting to be written. Right now though, I have a different project in the works.
What author or book has influenced your writing?
I’m influenced by great writing from the masters of literature.
You are stranded on an island with only 3 books. What are their titles?
My own book has Island in the title, so maybe that should be one of them. I’d argue with myself over the other two ☺
What is your philosophy about rejection?
Each one takes you closer to a Yes.
Do you have a day job? What is it? Right now, I’m concentrating on my writing. Have a second book in progress. Would like to have it finished in 2019.
Follow Robert on social media:
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RobertEKearns/Twitter: https://twitter.com/RobertEKearnsInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/robertekearns/
January 27, 2019
Going On Tour
Schedule Monday Jan. 28thReads & Reels – http://readsandreels.comGloria McNeely - https://gloriamcneelywriter.com/blog/The Writer’s Alley - https://www.jacobrundle.comGo By the Book - http://gobythebookblog.wordpress.comYA/NA Book Divas - http://www.yabookdivas.com/Just 4 My Books - http://www.just4mybooks.wordpress.comTuesday Jan. 29thDevouring Books - https://devouringbooks2017.wordpress.com/Didi Oviatt - https://didioviatt.wordpress.comBreakeven Books - https://breakevenbooks.comTsarina Press - https://www.tsarinapress.comThe Hufflepuff Nerdette - https://thehufflepuffnerdette.wordpress.com/Wednesday Jan. 30thJessica Rachow - http://jessicarachow.wordpress.comMisty’s Book Space - http://mistysbookspace.wordpress.comTouch My Spine Book Reviews - https://touchmyspinebookreviews.com/Thursday Jan. 31stFrom Belgium With Book Love – https://frombelgiumwithbooklove.com/Life at 17 - https://lifeat17.wordpress.comFriday Feb. 1stEclectic Reviews - https://eclecticreview.com/Dash Fan Book Reviews - https://dashfan81.blogspot.com/
December 30, 2018
My Way: Another chapter in my publishing journey.
Originally published on October 18th, 2018 here.
For most of my 14 years as a published author, I’ve run on a fuel made of equal parts ambition and desperation.
My ambition was to become The Next Judy Blume and dominate the world of YA contemporary literature through my Maddie Series books.
My desperation was that I believed, in the most frantic and determined way, that if I followed the letter of the law of those more experienced and successful than I, then I would win the golden ticket (a.k.a. a book contract with one of the Big 5.)
The very first example of that is, after a few years of rejections, I decided to self-publish. This decision came from the advice of A Person In The Know who said that she’d seen people use it as a platform to gain attention from agents.
She was right. This book won a big award and agents started to contact me, and I signed with one of them one only a year after self-publishing. The next piece of advice came from other author friends I made through self-publishing. They said to go to as many SCBWI conferences as possible, so I did. While this didn’t land me a book contract, it helped me to make friends with more published authors. When four years of conferences and working with an agent didn’t move me any closer to a book deal, an author friend told me to get an MFA, focus on craft and revisit the publishing part later. Maybe this would be it! When I started the MFA program in 2009, one of my instructors told me to fire the agent because it had now been 4 years and no book deal, this, according to her, was not a good sign (she was right). So, I fired the agent, finished the MFA (and grew a hell of a lot as a writer!), and followed the advice of another teacher in the program, and upon graduation, submitted to new agents, landing one not even a year after graduation. During my time with the second agent, I revised and rewrote three different manuscripts based on every piece of advice she gave me. As we set out to submit, I thought I am so very close.
I wasn’t. Four years later, I not only didn’t have a book deal but also my spirit was crushed. I had spent from 2003 to 2014 in a desperate chase for the ultimate prize, and I failed to win it.
So, I gave up.
For 2 years I focused on writing for the love of it. I didn’t attend one workshop or conference. I resisted the overwhelming urge to submit to agents and editors because that urge was fueled by desperation (and my ambition caused me nothing but grief by this point) and I was SICK of desperation.
In 2016, I began to submit personal essays that I was really proud of. I carefully researched the market and targeted only those publications that fit my niche.
And it worked. I began to not only get published but also GET PAID (BONUS!)!
That’s when it all became clear: I needed to be deliberate versus desperate, look inward versus outward, listen to my inner voice not just the voices of those around me.
When I decided to sign with Black Rose Writing earlier this year to publish Till It Stops Beating, I didn’t make that decision out of desperation. I made it out of a conscious choice: I no longer wanted to do the pitch/query and wait game, and I no longer believed in the delusions of grandeur I once had: that I would be the next Judy Blume.
Because none of what I had done panned out in a way that was reflective of the amount of hard work, the amount of emotional, financial, or physical sacrifice I spent.
Black Rose Writing isn’t one of the Big 5. It’s a small publisher that works in partnership with its authors to market and publish books. With this publisher, I have support, encouragement, and freedom. This beats false hope and desperate ambition. More importantly, my work is out there for you all to read and that’s really what fuels me now.
For most of my 14 years as a published author, I’ve run on a fuel made of equal parts ambition and desperation.
My ambition was to become The Next Judy Blume and dominate the world of YA contemporary literature through my Maddie Series books.
My desperation was that I believed, in the most frantic and determined way, that if I followed the letter of the law of those more experienced and successful than I, then I would win the golden ticket (a.k.a. a book contract with one of the Big 5.)
The very first example of that is, after a few years of rejections, I decided to self-publish. This decision came from the advice of A Person In The Know who said that she’d seen people use it as a platform to gain attention from agents.
She was right. This book won a big award and agents started to contact me, and I signed with one of them one only a year after self-publishing. The next piece of advice came from other author friends I made through self-publishing. They said to go to as many SCBWI conferences as possible, so I did. While this didn’t land me a book contract, it helped me to make friends with more published authors. When four years of conferences and working with an agent didn’t move me any closer to a book deal, an author friend told me to get an MFA, focus on craft and revisit the publishing part later. Maybe this would be it! When I started the MFA program in 2009, one of my instructors told me to fire the agent because it had now been 4 years and no book deal, this, according to her, was not a good sign (she was right). So, I fired the agent, finished the MFA (and grew a hell of a lot as a writer!), and followed the advice of another teacher in the program, and upon graduation, submitted to new agents, landing one not even a year after graduation. During my time with the second agent, I revised and rewrote three different manuscripts based on every piece of advice she gave me. As we set out to submit, I thought I am so very close.
I wasn’t. Four years later, I not only didn’t have a book deal but also my spirit was crushed. I had spent from 2003 to 2014 in a desperate chase for the ultimate prize, and I failed to win it.
So, I gave up.
For 2 years I focused on writing for the love of it. I didn’t attend one workshop or conference. I resisted the overwhelming urge to submit to agents and editors because that urge was fueled by desperation (and my ambition caused me nothing but grief by this point) and I was SICK of desperation.
In 2016, I began to submit personal essays that I was really proud of. I carefully researched the market and targeted only those publications that fit my niche.
And it worked. I began to not only get published but also GET PAID (BONUS!)!
That’s when it all became clear: I needed to be deliberate versus desperate, look inward versus outward, listen to my inner voice not just the voices of those around me.
When I decided to sign with Black Rose Writing earlier this year to publish Till It Stops Beating, I didn’t make that decision out of desperation. I made it out of a conscious choice: I no longer wanted to do the pitch/query and wait game, and I no longer believed in the delusions of grandeur I once had: that I would be the next Judy Blume.
Because none of what I had done panned out in a way that was reflective of the amount of hard work, the amount of emotional, financial, or physical sacrifice I spent.
Black Rose Writing isn’t one of the Big 5. It’s a small publisher that works in partnership with its authors to market and publish books. With this publisher, I have support, encouragement, and freedom. This beats false hope and desperate ambition. More importantly, my work is out there for you all to read and that’s really what fuels me now.
December 23, 2018
Maddie, Me, and Mental Meltdowns
Originally published on October 19th, 2018 here.
The main character in my newly published novel, Till It Stops Beating, Maddie Hickman age 17, has an anxiety disorder. I, Hannah Goodman age 43, have an anxiety disorder. In the book, it's Maddie's senior year of high school and just a few chapters in, she has a "mental meltdown" as she refers to it. In my senior year of high school, only two months into the school year, I, too, had a mental meltdown.
Though my life and my senior year inspired Till It Stops Beating, the parallels between Maddie's life and mine begin and end with her anxiety disorder.
Maddie and I are different not only in terms of the events of our lives—and you will have to read the book to find out more about that—but also in one particularly significant way: she doesn't carry the burden of shame that I did about having an anxiety disorder. Her friends, family, boyfriend (s), and teachers know she is struggling with anxiety. While, for me, when I had my meltdown senior year, I didn't tell anyone. It's not that I denied it or confirmed it, it just wasn't discussed. I got the proper treatment, and my parents were hugely instrumental in my recovery (like Maddie's parents are). However, my parents didn't widen the circle beyond our immediate family and friends. I also always felt self-conscious about my anxiety, and when I would tell someone, I feared rejection and judgment.
Maddie is growing up in a different time period where anxiety and depression are discussed widely in the media, in schools, and even in the workplace. So, it felt natural and comfortable to portray her experience differently from mine.
When Maddie has her first major panic attack in the novel, her parents label it immediately as such and quickly set out to get her some help. She balks a little at telling her friends and at going back into therapy, but these things are not a big deal and not the focus of the entire novel. In fact, that first panic attack scene, while it is a serious moment, it's also intentionally funny. Maddie describes feeling like she is dying but also like an upside-down crab writhing in confusion. On the other hand, my first major panic attack involved a midnight trip to the ER followed by my mother giving me valium for the next few days while I refused to leave my room. Though ultimately both Maddie and I got the proper treatment, the difference is that during her senior year, Maddie lives her life while having anxiety, and for my senior year I spent a lot of time living my life while trying to hide my anxiety (and failing for the most part).
Interestingly, Maddie's ability to live her life with anxiety and not trying to hide it has been inspirational to me now as an adult.
Back in early 2016, my writing career was at an all-time low after parting ways with my second agent. I was embarrassed and filled with shame, which only triggered my then-dormant anxiety disorder. As I began to struggle with symptoms that I hadn't felt in decades, I did what any writer does when they feel like a mess, I wrote about it.
In late 2016, with truly nothing to lose anymore, I submitted those writings to a number of mental health publications. Success! Several of those pieces got published (and another is forthcoming in January 2019!).
Maddie inspired me throughout this whole ordeal. I really thought to myself WWMD? And what would she do as an adult if all this had happened to her (and it might because she wants to be a writer when she grows up!). In TISB, she writes a book, drives across the country and makes major life decisions about her future, all while struggle with debilitating anxiety, and when she does collapse into a writhing upside-down crab, she flips over and keeps going. Whatever shame or embarrassment she feels, it's doesn't cripple her.
So, when my agent and I parted ways and it looked like my writing career was dead before take-off, I too collapsed into an upside writing crab…but I channeled Maddie, and I flipped over, dusted off the embarrassment and shame and continued to crawl along my way.
The main character in my newly published novel, Till It Stops Beating, Maddie Hickman age 17, has an anxiety disorder. I, Hannah Goodman age 43, have an anxiety disorder. In the book, it's Maddie's senior year of high school and just a few chapters in, she has a "mental meltdown" as she refers to it. In my senior year of high school, only two months into the school year, I, too, had a mental meltdown.
Though my life and my senior year inspired Till It Stops Beating, the parallels between Maddie's life and mine begin and end with her anxiety disorder.
Maddie and I are different not only in terms of the events of our lives—and you will have to read the book to find out more about that—but also in one particularly significant way: she doesn't carry the burden of shame that I did about having an anxiety disorder. Her friends, family, boyfriend (s), and teachers know she is struggling with anxiety. While, for me, when I had my meltdown senior year, I didn't tell anyone. It's not that I denied it or confirmed it, it just wasn't discussed. I got the proper treatment, and my parents were hugely instrumental in my recovery (like Maddie's parents are). However, my parents didn't widen the circle beyond our immediate family and friends. I also always felt self-conscious about my anxiety, and when I would tell someone, I feared rejection and judgment.
Maddie is growing up in a different time period where anxiety and depression are discussed widely in the media, in schools, and even in the workplace. So, it felt natural and comfortable to portray her experience differently from mine.
When Maddie has her first major panic attack in the novel, her parents label it immediately as such and quickly set out to get her some help. She balks a little at telling her friends and at going back into therapy, but these things are not a big deal and not the focus of the entire novel. In fact, that first panic attack scene, while it is a serious moment, it's also intentionally funny. Maddie describes feeling like she is dying but also like an upside-down crab writhing in confusion. On the other hand, my first major panic attack involved a midnight trip to the ER followed by my mother giving me valium for the next few days while I refused to leave my room. Though ultimately both Maddie and I got the proper treatment, the difference is that during her senior year, Maddie lives her life while having anxiety, and for my senior year I spent a lot of time living my life while trying to hide my anxiety (and failing for the most part).
Interestingly, Maddie's ability to live her life with anxiety and not trying to hide it has been inspirational to me now as an adult.
Back in early 2016, my writing career was at an all-time low after parting ways with my second agent. I was embarrassed and filled with shame, which only triggered my then-dormant anxiety disorder. As I began to struggle with symptoms that I hadn't felt in decades, I did what any writer does when they feel like a mess, I wrote about it.
In late 2016, with truly nothing to lose anymore, I submitted those writings to a number of mental health publications. Success! Several of those pieces got published (and another is forthcoming in January 2019!).
Maddie inspired me throughout this whole ordeal. I really thought to myself WWMD? And what would she do as an adult if all this had happened to her (and it might because she wants to be a writer when she grows up!). In TISB, she writes a book, drives across the country and makes major life decisions about her future, all while struggle with debilitating anxiety, and when she does collapse into a writhing upside-down crab, she flips over and keeps going. Whatever shame or embarrassment she feels, it's doesn't cripple her.
So, when my agent and I parted ways and it looked like my writing career was dead before take-off, I too collapsed into an upside writing crab…but I channeled Maddie, and I flipped over, dusted off the embarrassment and shame and continued to crawl along my way.
September 9, 2018
FREE BOOKS!!!!!
FREE E-BOOK PROMOS!
Available on Amazon.
Available on AmazonWHO? My Sister's Wedding and My Summer Vacation
WHAT? ...will be FREE
WHERE? ...in the Kindle Store
WHEN?...9/27 and 10/4
WHY?... So you will read my books!
Available on Amazon.
Available on AmazonWHO? My Sister's Wedding and My Summer Vacation WHAT? ...will be FREE
WHERE? ...in the Kindle Store
WHEN?...9/27 and 10/4
WHY?... So you will read my books!
May 12, 2018
NEW BOOK! AVAILABLE FOR PRE-ORDER!
"In Till It Stops Beating, Hannah R. Goodman masterfully renders a tender, heartwarming tale of first love, first loss, and jelly donuts." --Heather Christie, author of
What the Valley Knows
Amazon best-selling author
Black Rose Writing is releasing Till It Stops Beating on July 5, 2018.
Seventeen-year-old Maddie Hickman has always coped with anxiety by immersing herself into the latest self-help book. Then her grandmother is diagnosed with cancer, and she spirals so far downward that she almost risks losing everything she holds dear.
From applying to college to solving the mystery of why she detests jelly doughnuts to writing a novel for her senior project and reconnecting with an old flame (or two), the ever-mounting stress leads to an unexpected road trip where she is forced to listen to her wildly beating heart. It is only in the back of a convertible with pop music blasting, that she discovers what she needs in order to really live.
Watch the book trailer here!
You can pre-order Till It Stops Beating at:http://www.blackrosewriting.com/childrens-booksya/tillitstopsbeatingUse promo code PREORDER2018 to receive a 10% discount.
You can find Hannah:Twitter: @hannahrgoodman Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/tillitstopsbeatingnovel/Website: https://www.hannahrgoodman.comBlog: https://www.writerwomyn.comEmail: hrgwriterwoman@gmail.com
Black Rose Writing is releasing Till It Stops Beating on July 5, 2018. Seventeen-year-old Maddie Hickman has always coped with anxiety by immersing herself into the latest self-help book. Then her grandmother is diagnosed with cancer, and she spirals so far downward that she almost risks losing everything she holds dear.
From applying to college to solving the mystery of why she detests jelly doughnuts to writing a novel for her senior project and reconnecting with an old flame (or two), the ever-mounting stress leads to an unexpected road trip where she is forced to listen to her wildly beating heart. It is only in the back of a convertible with pop music blasting, that she discovers what she needs in order to really live.
Watch the book trailer here!
You can pre-order Till It Stops Beating at:http://www.blackrosewriting.com/childrens-booksya/tillitstopsbeatingUse promo code PREORDER2018 to receive a 10% discount.
You can find Hannah:Twitter: @hannahrgoodman Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/tillitstopsbeatingnovel/Website: https://www.hannahrgoodman.comBlog: https://www.writerwomyn.comEmail: hrgwriterwoman@gmail.com
March 24, 2018
Prepping for NaJoWriMo
In preparation for NaJoWriMo, I have been doing some nightly reading of my journals dating back to 1989, when I was a 13-year-old 8th grader experiencing my first love, all the way through 1999, when I married my college sweetheart.
What strikes me—after the mortifying reality of how teenage-me was so boy-obsessed—is the way my voice and sense of self evolved from 13 to 24. I was always very introspective and self-aware but as a teen, those things were way too clouded by hormones and a desperation to be loved (and my parents’ crumbling marriage). As a young adult, I had unclouded access to that same introspection and self-awareness, which acted as intuitive guides through the terrifying maze of post-childhood, post-college reality, including career and marriage decisions.
Now, here I am at 42, and as I approach a month of pen-to-paper journal writing, I wish for myself that same total access to my inner-me. An access that, in adulthood,—with the onslaught of social media when I was in my late 20s—has been as clouded, at times, as it was during my teenage-hood.
What I have learned in my social-media entrenched adulthood is that I need my public writing outlet (blogging and posting) and my private writing outlet (my dear old diary). Both have helped me to navigate the transition from early adulthood into middle adulthood. Through social media, I can lament and validate the hardships of being a writer, a mother, and a therapist. Through my private journal, I can gripe and moan about things I would never even say out loud…about mothering, writing, and therapy-ing.
I can tell you all this: Nothing I write over the month of April will be for public consumption—and that’s the point, right?
What strikes me—after the mortifying reality of how teenage-me was so boy-obsessed—is the way my voice and sense of self evolved from 13 to 24. I was always very introspective and self-aware but as a teen, those things were way too clouded by hormones and a desperation to be loved (and my parents’ crumbling marriage). As a young adult, I had unclouded access to that same introspection and self-awareness, which acted as intuitive guides through the terrifying maze of post-childhood, post-college reality, including career and marriage decisions.
Now, here I am at 42, and as I approach a month of pen-to-paper journal writing, I wish for myself that same total access to my inner-me. An access that, in adulthood,—with the onslaught of social media when I was in my late 20s—has been as clouded, at times, as it was during my teenage-hood.
What I have learned in my social-media entrenched adulthood is that I need my public writing outlet (blogging and posting) and my private writing outlet (my dear old diary). Both have helped me to navigate the transition from early adulthood into middle adulthood. Through social media, I can lament and validate the hardships of being a writer, a mother, and a therapist. Through my private journal, I can gripe and moan about things I would never even say out loud…about mothering, writing, and therapy-ing.
I can tell you all this: Nothing I write over the month of April will be for public consumption—and that’s the point, right?
January 6, 2018
BIGGEST FAILURE IS MY GREATEST SUCCESS
We interrupt this blog, which had been focusing on mental health and my own journey into mindfulness and inner peace, to report:
Hell has frozen over (literally, because it’s about -5 degrees here in Rhode Island) NOT ONLY is Donald Trump still president, BUT ALSO I just signed a contract with a publisher for one of my books!
2018, so far, has exceed any expectations, which isn’t hard, since I, long ago, gave up on believing in expectations, especially when it comes to writing and publishing.
My publishing story is long and sad and funny. If I ever get it together enough to write a memoir (terrified), I would call it Failing Forward. It’s not that original or clever but, then again, titles are NOT my forte—see all of my previously (self) published novels.
I’ve detailed my story in various writing forms and across various blogs. A year ago, I tried to cram it all into what I referred to as a “blogmoir”. Click here to read.
I only reached chapter four, but with this recent turn of events, let’s skip all the way to chapter…let’s say, ten.
Failing Forward: Chapter 10
It’s the end of 2015, and I break up with my agent, but we are still “seeing each other”, so-to-speak, as we await to hear from some publishers we had submitted to prior to our break-up.
By early 2016, I receive the final rejection, and so begins a new journey in writing and publishing. One of total and utter, delicious FREEDOM!!!!!
For the first time in 10 years, I will be completely and totally free from obligation to someone else about MY writing. From 2005 to 2009, I was signed with my first agent (actually, she was my second, but like many “firsts” in life, that one didn’t actually count), which resulted in countless misses and a few near-hits. From 2009 to 2011, I was at the Solstice MFA programwhere I was (albeit happily) beholden to multiple mentors and deadlines. Then, from 2011 to 2015, I was signed with this most recent agent, a relationship that wasn’t right for me—though she was a funny and interesting woman—it wasn’t a match. I knew this from the start, but back then, I was desperate for a book deal…about as desperate as I was in high school for the attention of a certain soccer player…so desperate I allowed him to drunkenly slobber all over me at the homecoming dance my sophomore year, even though he already had a certain cheerleader girlfriend…desperate was a theme for me for a long time.
[By the way, that story was fictionalized and featured in volume three of Sucker Literary—shameless plugs will begin now!]
Anyway, after the break-up, I am lost but in a really good way. I go back into therapy (What else do you do when you have failed at something for almost 20 years, that is your passion for your entire life?) and together, my therapist and I come up with a plan: instead of the goal being success, it would now be FAILURE.
My shrink, a total CBTkind of guy, believes that I need to become desensitized to failure.
The objective of this plan is to seek out as many publications as possible, big and small, and submit…anything. Articles, manuscripts, whatever. Submit and get rejected. He even advised for me to send out some really bad writing to increase the chances of FAILURE.
So, I go NUTS with my submissions…old blog posts, old short stories, new pieces, bad pieces and good pieces. The rejections come flying in pretty quickly. Sometimes I don’t even read past the first line of, “Thank you for your submission. Unfortunately…”
After about the fifth rejection, the sinking sensation of failure in my stomach is gone. By the tenth, I don’t even care. At some point, I start to write new pieces about failure and mental health. I begin to realize that I actually don’t want to be the next Judy Blume (somebody once referred to me this way). I just want to be me, a woman who writes about whatever she wants.
By this point, my success or failure to become a published writer no longer defines me. I devote my time to my family and to finishing school for mental health counseling. Along the way, I also encounter some major health issues in both 2016 (a colon operation for a noncancerous yet sizeable tumor) and 2017 (a small bowel blockage). Each moment in the hospital reminds me of what I really value, and it isn’t a book deal with Random House.
In between hospital stays, summer of 2016 and then summer of 2017, something amazing and unexpected happens—success. One after another, over the span of about a year, I have some first-person essays published by internationally read mental health sites (The Mighty, MindBodyGreen, and OC87 Recovery Diaries.) I even get a nice check for one of those essays. Every one of those pieces had been previously rejected, multiple times by multiple places.
Yet, suddenly, it is my time.
And then, just this week, the most significant success of all—a book contract from Black Rose Writing. Mind you, this is a place that I previously received one of those rejections from, a rejection that, for all intents and purposes, I sought out!
I want to take a moment to underscore this story with the fact that I had EVERY reason to believe that I would be successful as an author. Whether it was creating a literary magazine that landed me in Publishers Weekly or winning first place of a Writer’s Digest contest or simply that both agents I had sought me out, rather than me seeking their representation. So, my failure to launch as an author was all the more depressing because the expectations were so very high. Everyone—from mentors to fellow writer friends to agents—thought I would make it.
But I didn’t make it.
Yet, that failure has been my greatest success.
Check out this piece from NPR about a man who sought out rejection after a break up.
October 30, 2017
Being in the Moment
Check out the whole series so far on Medium.
I haven’t blogged in a week because I was really living in the moment each day, focusing on my commitment to the free mindfulness course , which trickled out into my daily life with work and family. It seems like a subtle shift, but when I am working with a student or client, I am really there, connecting with him or her. If I’m with my kids or husband, it’s the same thing; being there, hearing their voices and engaging in what they are saying.
Like week 1 , week 2 revolved around a daily commitment to both a formal and informal mindfulness exercise and to log both experiences. The formal was to continue with week one’s body scan meditation but alternate it with another meditation called the sitting meditation . The informal was to notice how we experience and process pleasant events.
I honestly wish I could just keep doing
week 2
and not move on from it because it is providing me with these very grounding and positive elements of my life that require no purchasing and no evaluating. Especially the informal exercise of how we experience pleasure. One that I logged was from early in the week when I found myself crying and hugging my daughter in a spontaneous moment of realizing that she is now taller than me and, thus, growing up. This moment occurred as we were rushing around the super market and hurrying out to the car with the cart, my daughter ahead of me, almost at the car, when I noticed a baby and her father. The baby beamed at me and I said something that I used to hear over and over when my girls were little, “She’s so beautiful…Savor the moment! It will go by so fast.” The father nodded and let me know that this was “number three” so he knew exactly what I meant. By the time I reached the car, my daughter was impatiently waiting for me, but I was already crying. I grabbed her into a hug, and she let me, she even soothed, “It’s okay, Mom” even though I don’t think she knew exactly what my tears were for. That moment of releasing the tears and hugging her was such a rush of pleasure and contentment, and I don’t think I would have been able to fully rest into that moment had I not been doing these exercises all week. Just like what happened this weekend, with the kids being home on Friday for a PD day from school and my youngest and I having some time by ourselves. The weather was summery, and so we went outside, did some basketball, our own version of tennis (see the pic above), and some wiffleball. Running and laughing with her was perfection…and something I’m not sure I would have slowed down enough to even think of doing just two weeks ago. My stomach muscles felt worked in a familiar way—that bellyache you get from laughing too hard. When I logged that moment, I wrote, “I had forgotten how good that feeling is.”
I had other moments I recorded and the feeling I had each time the actual sensation in my body was described each time as “a rush” or “relief” or “warm” or “connected” or “fulfilled” and these were all moments I had with others, co-workers, children, spouse, and even by myself—during a meditation where the window was open and the breeze was brushing against my hands.
So, it’s no wonder that for this week, I really looked forward to the exercises—based on everything so far, they made me feel good! What I also notice, as I look back on week 2, is that I’ve managed to embed the mindfulness practices into my daily routine so that even when it was a day that was so full I couldn’t fit in meditation until the end of the day, I still wanted to do it; it wasn’t a chore. One day, I came home from work and everyone was out at an activity so I just went right into my bed room, stretched out on the floor and did a ten-minute body scan. I was interrupted when my husband came barging in, but I just told him I needed 10 minutes and I started again. I think because I told my whole family that this was a commitment I was doing for the next 8 weeks, I have been able to make it a priority…but not in a rigid or perfectionist way. The gift of this practice is that it has allowed me to learn how to be flexible and realistic in my expectations of myself and others. I allowed myself to kind of “rest” into mindfulness instead of, as I call it, “trying to get the A” (i.e., be perfect). So, if that meant not meditating at the same time every day but rather allowing myself the freedom and self-trust fit it into the day as it unfolded, then so be it.
Some other ways in which I “rested” into the mindfulness are that I decided that meditation works best for me if it is between 10 and 15 minutes as opposed to 30. I also realized that guided meditations are fine if the voice feels soothing and doesn’t distract me from the actual mediation. So, what I did was find some alternatives to the mediations that are utilized in the course. I used this for the body scan meditation and I used a script that I tailored to my own needs for the sitting meditation. I also allowed myself a day off this week, and I am allowing myself to do week two for a few more days this week…mainly because of Mother Nature who decided to surprise New England with a bit of a Nor’easterthat has rendered us without power. I type this in the candle light as my girls play Uno for the millionth time saying, “It’s like old fashion times!”
As we set off into this old fashion evening, with candlelight and flashlights (yes, and the winking and blinking of iPads and laptops), I wonder if I will begin week three or let myself linger in the loveliness of week 2 a little longer…
I haven’t blogged in a week because I was really living in the moment each day, focusing on my commitment to the free mindfulness course , which trickled out into my daily life with work and family. It seems like a subtle shift, but when I am working with a student or client, I am really there, connecting with him or her. If I’m with my kids or husband, it’s the same thing; being there, hearing their voices and engaging in what they are saying.
Like week 1 , week 2 revolved around a daily commitment to both a formal and informal mindfulness exercise and to log both experiences. The formal was to continue with week one’s body scan meditation but alternate it with another meditation called the sitting meditation . The informal was to notice how we experience and process pleasant events.
I honestly wish I could just keep doing
week 2
and not move on from it because it is providing me with these very grounding and positive elements of my life that require no purchasing and no evaluating. Especially the informal exercise of how we experience pleasure. One that I logged was from early in the week when I found myself crying and hugging my daughter in a spontaneous moment of realizing that she is now taller than me and, thus, growing up. This moment occurred as we were rushing around the super market and hurrying out to the car with the cart, my daughter ahead of me, almost at the car, when I noticed a baby and her father. The baby beamed at me and I said something that I used to hear over and over when my girls were little, “She’s so beautiful…Savor the moment! It will go by so fast.” The father nodded and let me know that this was “number three” so he knew exactly what I meant. By the time I reached the car, my daughter was impatiently waiting for me, but I was already crying. I grabbed her into a hug, and she let me, she even soothed, “It’s okay, Mom” even though I don’t think she knew exactly what my tears were for. That moment of releasing the tears and hugging her was such a rush of pleasure and contentment, and I don’t think I would have been able to fully rest into that moment had I not been doing these exercises all week. Just like what happened this weekend, with the kids being home on Friday for a PD day from school and my youngest and I having some time by ourselves. The weather was summery, and so we went outside, did some basketball, our own version of tennis (see the pic above), and some wiffleball. Running and laughing with her was perfection…and something I’m not sure I would have slowed down enough to even think of doing just two weeks ago. My stomach muscles felt worked in a familiar way—that bellyache you get from laughing too hard. When I logged that moment, I wrote, “I had forgotten how good that feeling is.” I had other moments I recorded and the feeling I had each time the actual sensation in my body was described each time as “a rush” or “relief” or “warm” or “connected” or “fulfilled” and these were all moments I had with others, co-workers, children, spouse, and even by myself—during a meditation where the window was open and the breeze was brushing against my hands.
So, it’s no wonder that for this week, I really looked forward to the exercises—based on everything so far, they made me feel good! What I also notice, as I look back on week 2, is that I’ve managed to embed the mindfulness practices into my daily routine so that even when it was a day that was so full I couldn’t fit in meditation until the end of the day, I still wanted to do it; it wasn’t a chore. One day, I came home from work and everyone was out at an activity so I just went right into my bed room, stretched out on the floor and did a ten-minute body scan. I was interrupted when my husband came barging in, but I just told him I needed 10 minutes and I started again. I think because I told my whole family that this was a commitment I was doing for the next 8 weeks, I have been able to make it a priority…but not in a rigid or perfectionist way. The gift of this practice is that it has allowed me to learn how to be flexible and realistic in my expectations of myself and others. I allowed myself to kind of “rest” into mindfulness instead of, as I call it, “trying to get the A” (i.e., be perfect). So, if that meant not meditating at the same time every day but rather allowing myself the freedom and self-trust fit it into the day as it unfolded, then so be it.
Some other ways in which I “rested” into the mindfulness are that I decided that meditation works best for me if it is between 10 and 15 minutes as opposed to 30. I also realized that guided meditations are fine if the voice feels soothing and doesn’t distract me from the actual mediation. So, what I did was find some alternatives to the mediations that are utilized in the course. I used this for the body scan meditation and I used a script that I tailored to my own needs for the sitting meditation. I also allowed myself a day off this week, and I am allowing myself to do week two for a few more days this week…mainly because of Mother Nature who decided to surprise New England with a bit of a Nor’easterthat has rendered us without power. I type this in the candle light as my girls play Uno for the millionth time saying, “It’s like old fashion times!”
As we set off into this old fashion evening, with candlelight and flashlights (yes, and the winking and blinking of iPads and laptops), I wonder if I will begin week three or let myself linger in the loveliness of week 2 a little longer…
