Daniel Darling's Blog, page 77

5 Things I’ve Learned in Ten Years of Marriage

Last month, on November 22nd, Angela and I celebrated our tenth wedding anniversary. I’m not an expert on marriage and by some standards I’m still a rookie. But I have learned a few things in these ten wonderful years. Here they are, in no certain order:

1) I’m not naturally a good husband. Before I tied the knot, I was convinced I’d be a great husband. Some lucky girl would be praising the Lord daily that she nabbed me. How wrong I was, really. Rather, I was the blessed one, having snared a women as patient and loving as my wife Angela. What I’ve learned is that I am not naturally a good husband. I have to really, really work at it. Naturally I’m selfish, proud, and tend to see things only my way. To be a good husband I must do two things: I must work at loving my wife intentionally and I must rely on the Spirit of God to change my heart. If you’re not yet married, you won’t realize this until you do get married. And then this reality will hit you in waves.

2) It really isn’t good for men to be alone. Those words uttered by the Triune God in the Garden of Eden are actually true. Nothing changes a man quite like being married to a good, godly woman. I can say that for myself. When you commit to being and staying married for the long haul, you are committing to a relationship that will refine you as a man. It will shave off your worst instincts. It will domesticate you in a good way. It will mature you. Today I am dependent in many ways on my wife. Not simply for what she does for me, but the companionship, the togetherness. I don’t like it when she is out of town or away. I feel like half of my life is missing. God designed life to be this way.

3) Love grows deeper over time. There is a richness to long-lasting marital love that is hard to describe in words. When you are married, you go through tremendous highs and lows as a couple. You will endure crushing defeats. You will enjoy soaring heights. You will suffer pain together. And you will laugh together. All of these times only add muscle to your love, they build your relationship. If you are willing to hang in there and suffer and laugh and cry and forgive and repent together, you will, at the end, find a love that is far richer than the plastic, Hollywood, fake infatuation you think you desire.

4) The gospel is the indispensable key to your marriage. And when I say “gospel” I don’t simply mean, “Make sure you marry someone who shares your faith.” Yes, yes, and amen to that one. But it’s more than that. Marriage requires that each of you believe the gospel so deeply that you live it out. It means the husband is willing to die literally and figuratively for his wife. It means there is a oneness that is a small picture of the intimacy shared by the Trinity. It means you dig deep on forgiveness, extending grace to the one whose wounds can hurt you the most. And you quickly repent when it is you who is doing the wounding. It means you don’t projet some kind of impossible standard on your spouse, but accept her as a sinner who is being slowly sanctified by God’s grace. It means you, like Jesus, love your spouse at their worst because you will wand her to love you at your worst. Believing the gospel means you don’t see your marriage as a happiness vehicle for your pleasure, but as a witness of the grand narrative of the Bible to a watching world.

5) Every day you spend with your spouse is a day for which you should praise God. If you are a husband, realize that your wife is a gift from God. If you are a wife, realize that your husband is a gift from God. Somedays it doesn’t seem like your spouse is a gift. Maybe she wakes up cranky. And some days you are not so much a gift to her. But the longer you are married, for as many years as you are gifted together, you will thank God for bringing her to you. I think this way often, when I see the way my wife enriches my life, cares for our children, and does so many things in the community. I’m grateful for God giving her to me. And if you are married, you too should be this grateful for the one to whom you are united by God.

A God For Every Part of this Tragedy

Thus says the LORD:

“A voice is heard in Ramah,

lamentation and bitter weeping.

Rachel is weeping for her children;

she refuses to be comforted for her children,

because they are no more.”

(Jeremiah 31:15 ESV)

As a father of four young children, it was hard for me to process the horrific news of the Sandy Hook massacre. How could anyone gun down defenseless children? This is a tragedy that defies easy answers, even for those of us who put our hope in Christ. We should resist simple solutions and trite phrases that may contain truth, but end up providing no comfort. In this dark hour, we don’t want to be Job’s friends.

When evil unveils its ugly face, we must turn to God and bare our souls. Each part of this tragedy finds a God standing ready to hear the cries of the grieving.

“What would possess a man to do this?” To this question, we might point to mental instability, revenge, or some combination of factors. But ultimately, we know that it is evil itself that possesses humans do commit atrocities like this. It is the work of Satan, the author of evil, who has possessed men from the beginning of time to stage acts of gross violence. (John 8:44).

“What kind of world are we living in?” We are living in a broken world. When sin entered the world at the Fall, it did violence to God’s original creation. The Fall crushed man’s soul, bringing in death and the lust for death. Grieving people reach for all kinds of solutions: tighter gun laws, character training in schools, Ten Commandments in classrooms. Those may be good solutions, but ultimately, the roots of this tragedy go back to a Garden and a rotten piece of fruit. (Romans 5:12)

“I’m angry.” And you should be. We all should be. The Christian should mimic the visible anger felt by Jesus when he witnessed the death of his friend Lazarus (John 11). Death is not good. Death is the work of the enemy. Death is the enemy, the last enemy, Jesus came to defeat (1 Corinthians 15:26). Every life was created in God’s image and death, especially death at a young age, robs man of their full God-given potential. It’s not just okay to be angry at this sin, it’s the proper response of those who hate evil as God hates it.

“Where is God in This?” God sometimes seems hidden in despair (Job 23:8).And yet we are told that Christ weeps at death (John 11:35). That he knows our every tear (Psalm 56:8). We know we have a God is not immune to our pain and our struggle, but as Christ endured and suffered the very worst of life (Hebrews 4:15). We know that God is “close to the brokenhearted and crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18).

“Why Would God Allow This?” This is a fair question to ask. And the answer is: we don’t know. We won’t ever know. We can’t know the ways of God. And yet we are invited to ask Him that question, in anger, in fear, in sadness. The Psalmist often asked this very thing of God. Job was candid in His querying of the Heavenly Father. The Bible essentially says that we may never know why God allows what He allows (Isaiah 55:9).

“We need justice.” Every murder we see or hear about prompts something deep within our soul: a demand for justice. With a tragedy like Sandy Hook, that feeling is multiplied a thousand-fold. We want to see something done to the person responsible. This longing for justice reflects the heart of God who is a God of justice. Every heinous act of violence is an act against a holy God. A God who won’t let crimes go unpunished, whether big or small. And yet true justice can’t really be served in our courts. There must be a bigger payday. In one sense that day already came, when God poured out his righteous wrath against evil on His own son. This is why God could not look at his Son, why Jesus was forsaken on the cross. Jesus became the face of all evil. He bore this so sinners like you can me might find peace with God. Those who accept this find peace. Those who reject it will face the wrath of God one day. For perpetrators of these heinous crimes, there is a payday coming that will be swift and severe (Romans 2:5).

“Will the violence ever end?” Year after year, it seems we see more and more violence and bloodshed. We can put more cops on the streets and tighten our laws and affirm moral values. And yet it seems that violence continues, even in seemingly safe American towns like Newport, Connecticut. Will it ever end? The answer is yes. Satan, evil, violence does not have the last word. We are told that the last enemy, death, will be defeated (1 Corinthians 15:26). In a sense, it was defeated at the cross, where Christ conquered sin and death and rose victoriously in resurrection. There is coming a day when the King, Jesus, will fully consumate His kingdom, when the beauty and perfection of creation will be restored. When sin will be no more. When all tears will be wiped away and there will be no more death (Rev 21-22).

“What can we do to stop this?” Again, some pin the blame on lax gun laws. Others pin the blame on the lack of the Bible in the schools and a country’s embrace of liberal values. Others will call for increased mental health screening and assistance. All of these are good measures. But ultimately, we are powerless against evil, because we as fallen creatures are poisoned by this very evil. Though we should do all we can to prevent such senseless acts of brutality, we are limited as humans in our ability to combat violence. The only hope is in the baby who arrived on Christmas Day, into a world of violence and bloodshed (Matthew 2). Herod, a jealous king, ruthlessly killed thousands of infant boys in a quest to kill Jesus. It was a fulfillment of God’s prediction in Genesis 3:15 of the cosmic battle between God and Satan, played out in the human race. and yet it was that very baby Jesus, the God-man, who entered this world for the very purpose of defeating the curse, defeating death and evil, and bringing about hope. The hope for mankind is not to go back to a perceived golden era or to embrace progress. Every generation is is cursed. Jesus labeled his generation “a wicked and perverse generation” (Matthew 17:17. Paul labeled his generation, “crooked and perverse” (Philippines 2:15). The only golden era was Eden. The only utopia is the city for which we long, whose “builder and maker is God.” (Hebrews 11:10)

“Is there any hope?” When a gunman randomly and mercilessly robs 20 children of their lives, it’s hard to imagine any hope in the world. We live in perhaps the wealthiest, safest, most prosperous nation on earth and yet this violence and evil penetrate even here. And yet in the gospel story we find hope. Hope not just in that our sins were nailed to Jesus’ cross and that we find peace with God. But we also have hope that Christ defeated death and in the resurrection there will be new life. Life as it should be, as it was meant to me. There is hope in knowing that Christ is coming back one day to restore all things, to fix what we cannot fix and to establish His kingdom forever.

When darkness veils His lovely face,

I rest on His unchanging grace;

In every high and stormy gale,

My anchor holds within the veil.

- Edward Mote

Three Kinds of Christians Who Should Always Keep Their Cool

I was struck this week as I studied 1 Peter 4:7-11 as part of our Exiles series at church. I was struck particularly by this phrase: “Be self-controlled and sober-minded.” (v 4 ESV). There are differing ways translators have translated this. HCSB says “Be serious and disciplined.” NASB: “of sound judgement and sober spirit.” NLT: “Be earnest and disciplined.” KJV: “Be sober and watch.”

You get the idea. Christians are to be level-headed. Sober. Balanced. Mature. Of sound judgement. Wise. In control. These virtues should characterize our life, both in our speech, in our online engagement, in our beliefs. And yet there are times, many times, when virtues like this, such as balance, sound judgement, and sobriety are looked at by some as a lack of courage. Or we excuse them with things like, “I’m just speaking my mind.” Or we post half-baked conspiracy theories online or fire them off via email. We buy into ponzi schemes or weird ideas. An election doesn’t go our way and we freak out. We scan the negative headlines and we cower in fear or make goofy, doomsday predictions (or read the latest Christian bestsellers that posit them). But Peter says, “Be sober. Keep your cool. Pray.”

This phrasing is not original to Peter. In fact, in the New Testament you will find three types of Christians who the Bible says should always keep their cool:

1) Anyone looking for Jesus to Return. 1 Peter 4:1: “The end of all things is at hand; therefore be self-controlled and sober-minded for the sake of your prayers.” Peter says the end is at hand. In my view this means two things: First it means the end of the age is upon us. It was upon the first century Christians and it us upon us. It was coming soon for them and coming soon for us. So, knowing that the end of the age is upon us, how should we act? Should we create newer charts? Should we try to figure out who the anti-Christ is? Should we say historically innacurate things like, “Its as bad as its ever been!.” Should we hide in the basement? No. In light of the end, Peter says, “be sober, be watchful, and pray.” When the headlines turn sour, Christians should be the last people gripped by irrational fear. The second thing this means is that the end is at hand in the sense that the end of the reign of Satan is at hand. The end is the beginning. Christ has defeated sin, death and the curse. The kingdom is here and is coming. So, rather than fear, rejoice. Be watchful. Be serious. Be balanced. And pray. Christians, of all people should not be fear-mongering conspiracy nuts. We should be joyful readers of the news, because we know the end is here and a new beginning is dawning. We know the story. We know a King is coming.

So, really, Peter here is referring to every kind of Christian. Because every serious disciple should be watchful and sober. Every follower of Christ should be joyfully looking for the return of the King. Not with colored charts, but with prayerful, sober hearts. (I honestly didn’t intend for that to rhyme!).

2) Pastors 1 Timothy 3:2 says that one of the qualities for pastors should be “self control and sobriety” (1 Timothy 3:2). And this makes sense. If we are to lead God’s people to do as God says and live as if the end is near, we have to model it in our own lives, don’t we? There is something about leadership that say if the leader is freaked out and scared, the people will be even more freaked out and scared. Leaders set the tone. Especially pastors who are looked upon, by their people, as having a word from God. That’s why one of our main jobs is to calm people during a crisis, to give them the reassurance that God is in control, that the end is near and the King is coming, despite what is happening right now. That’s why I cringe a bit when I see pastors write and publish doomsday scenario books or make outlandish public statements about America, etc. There is a place for prophetic preaching, but it must be given with a sober, self-controlled tone–is that not what Paul tells Timothy here? We are to point people to the Word and say, “God is sovereign over history, over what is happening today and what will happen tomorrow. Live by faith, not by fear.” Sadly, fear sells more books than faith, but good pastors lead their people with a cool head.

3) Church members Titus 2:1-6 gives instruction  four kinds of church members: Old men, young men, old women, young women. This pretty much covers all kinds of people you’d find in a church. And what undergirds all of his instruction is the same idea used by Peter in 1 Peter 4: Sobriety. Self-control. Maturity. It seems that one of the signs of a growing believers is this very underrated trait.

At times I wil hear Christians say things like, “Well, Dan, you have to think that way because you are the pastor.” And by 1 Timothy 3:2 standards, yes, they are right. I must be sober, etc. But according to Paul’s words to Titus, the church members are not exempt from displaying spiritual maturity either. So, therefore, it does matter when you send that half-truth conspiracy email or you post some outlandish thing on Facebook or when you live every day by fear of the headlines. Apparently that’s wrong for the church members as well as the pastor.

Summary: The point of all this is the inspired Words of God as written by the Apostle Peter: “The end of all things is at hand; therefore be self-controlled and sober-minded for the sake of your prayers.” 1 Peter 4:7 (ESV). How do you live in view of the end? Keep your cool. Be sober. Pray.

Friday Five: Tyler Ellis

Today I’m pleased to welcome my friend Tyler Ellis to the blog. Tyler serves as a Campus Minister at the University of Delaware. Tyler also partners with One Verse and the Seed Company which translates the Bible into new languages. Tyler and his family live in Newark, DE.

Tyler has a just-released book, Question Everything. The book comes with endorsements from some very prominent Christian leaders. This is such an intriguing approach to Bible study that I asked Tyler to stop by and answer a few questions:

This is a unique concept – providing a question for every verse of the New Testament – what spurred the idea?


The idea to write a question for every verse in the New Testament was spurred in the spring of my sixth year as a Campus Minister in Arizona.Our student organization on the university campus was composed of students from a variety of backgrounds.  These students were Christians, atheists and agnostics.  Some had grown up in the church, while some were new believers.  We also had a number of international students.With every cup of coffee I shared with a student, I noticed a common thread being confirmed over and over.  It was something I observed first in students, but have since seen it to be true in all types of people.
People often have strong opinions about the Bible without ever having read the Bible.It is this observation that compelled me – as the subtitle of the book says – to be on the lookout for a “fresh way to read” the Bible.  I wanted to offer a new approach that made Bible reading more engaging.  That’s why I was thrilled to discover the art of inquiry.



You talk a lot about “Bible poverty”.  What do you mean by this? We usually associate the word “poverty” with people who lack money, food and water, housing, education, medicine, etc., but what about those who lack the Word of God? We can be spiritually starved as well as be physically starved.I’m not sure who coined the phrase, but I first heard about “Bible poverty” at a Catalyst conference in 2010.  One of the booths that caught my eye was for The Seed Company who are a division of Wycliffe Bible Translators.  As I read through the packet they gave me, I was shocked by two sobering statistics.  First, that more than 350 million people in the world still don’t have one verse of the Bible translated into their language.  The second statistic is that 66% of U.S. Christians rarely or never read the Bible.

The mission of The Seed Company and of my book, Question Everything, is summed up by the Twitter hashtag, #EndBiblePoverty.  That’s why I’m excited to see that 10% of the book’s royalties go to The Seed Company and sponsor Bible translation.



Christians are often afraid to ask questions about the Bible.  Does this hamper spiritual growth?

Asking questions and growing spiritually is definitely related.  In fact, Jesus provides the perfect example of this.  In Luke 2:41-52, we read the account of Jesus at the age of twelve.  Verse 46 says he was, “In the temple courts, sitting among the teachers, listening to them and asking questions.”  And in verse 52, it says that, “Jesus grew in wisdom and stature and in favor with God and man.”

Questions and doubts are a fact of life.  We all have them from time to time.  But I think we underestimate the way questions have the potential to be the best or the worst thing that ever happened to us.  The difference maker is how we respond to questions.

When people are afraid to ask their questions, they take a step in the direction of “blind faith” or even losing faith altogether.

But when people allow their questions to launch them on a quest for truth, they take a step in the direction of good faith, as they grow in confidence and own their beliefs.

That’s one of the benefits of reading Question Everything hand-in-hand with the Bible.  It doesn’t tell you what to believe, but invites you to go to the source for yourself.

This is sort of a new way to read the Bible.  How can these questions help discipleship?

Reading God’s Word is essential to following God’s Son.  Jesus was emphatic about this when he said, “If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:31-32)

To “abide” in the words of Jesus means to live out his teachings; to continue in it; to hold to it; to accept it; to obey it; and to be faithful to it.

While Question Everything is a great resource for students in High School and college; couples and families; new believers and old believers; homeschoolers and seminarians; it’s particularly ideal for discipleship groups looking for a practical tool to encourage Bible reading.

In addition to the 7,958 questions I wrote for every verse in the New Testament, the book also includes a Life Application page after each chapter.  I almost left this part out since it added another 260 pages to the book, but I decided to keep it because I wanted the book to be more than an academic exercise.  These questions help us to be doers of the Word rather than hearers only.

What do you think are some of the most important Bible-related questions?

I can think of a lot of questions regarding the Bible that people would do well to investigate for themselves.

• “Are the books of the Bible reliable history?”  Just as people who’ve never read the Bible often have opinions about what the Bible says, there are people with opinions about whether the Bible is reliable history, who have never held it up to the laws of histiography in order to test it in same the manner as other classical literature.

• “What if the Bible had never been written?”  This question invites us to explore the often overlooked impact the Bible has made in our lives, both generally and personally.  We take many things for granted – like law and morality, art and music, science and exploration, and hospitals and universities – that are hard to imagine life without.  Yet aspects of life such as these would not be the same had not the Bible influenced them.

• “Hypothetically, if the message of the Bible was shown to be true, would you give your life to follow Jesus?  This may very well be the most important question anyone ever asks themselves in regarding God, the Bible and Jesus.  To answer with a “Yes”, shows humility and a willingness to go wherever truth leads.  To answer with a “No”, exposes a deeper issue of rebellion.  If someone admits that they would not take the Bible seriously even if it was proven to be true (hypothetically), then they’d be wasting time to ask any other question.  May we all have humble hearts that desire to know truth at all cost!

Question Everything Book Trailer:

What You Don’t Like About Your Church (And why that’s good)

I have this conversation quite often with members of my church and with believers outside of my church. It is usually sparked by a discussion of something this person doesn’t like about our church or about the church they attend.

Now, let’s assume the disagreement is not related to doctrinal purity, moral integrity, authoritarian abuse (issues I believe are grounds for leaving a church). Let’s also assume this is a gospel-preaching, Word-saturated, bible-believing church. Let’s also assume the disagreement is not over a 2nd-tier issue that is not orthodoxy, but valid reason when choosing a church (mode of baptism, denomination, etc). So we’re dealing with issues of preference.

This is what I tell people who tell me there is something about our church they don’t like or about their church they don’t like: “Good.”

It’s good that you’re involved with a local body of believers with whom you have disagreements and varying preferences. Why? Because that is the whole idea of God calling out and gathering together His local body. We come together, not because we agree on everything and have the same preferences, but because, despite our disagreements, we are united in Christ.

I often say to people and have preached in messages before this statement, “I don’t like everything in our church. And this is good, because if everything here was geared to what I like, it would be great for me, but not-so-great for the other members.” And so it is with you.

Chances are there is something on Sunday mornings you’d like to see differently. Perhaps you like danishes instead of donuts. Or you’d rather sing hymns than songs written since 1990. Perhaps you’re more of an organ person than a guitar person. Or you really hate the color of the lobby walls.

Good! A resounding, spirit-filled good! You’re continued presence at this church indicates you’re willing to lay aside your preferences, sacrifices your pet peeves for the good of Christ’s body. And it proves that you’re not simply going to church to have all of your senses tickled, but to use your gifts to serve God’s people.

When leadership structures a church in such a way that it meets all the pastor’s preferences, it creates a personality-driven church. But when the pastor is willing to lay aside some of his preferences for the good of the people he serves, God is glorified and the people are blessed.

When the people who attend a church stomp their feet and demand certain things at church be their way, it sows division in the church, hurts the pastor, and ultimately undermines the gospel mission to the community. But when people come to church and get involved, even though there are very real things at church they don’t like, they are making a profound statement that God’s work and God’s people are more important than their preferences.

This must be an intentional attitude, because we live in a culture of American consumerism. We can pick and choose churches, not based on anything important but our own pet likes and dislikes. I’m not discounting the importance of church culture, family atmosphere, etc. But ultimately, our role as a Christian is to participate in the local body of believers, to serve with our gifts, and to glorify Christ corporately. When we make our church choices based on personal preferences, we idolize what is unimportant and marginalize gospel witness.

It strikes me that these choices would be irrelevant in many places around the world. I was in Eastern Europe this year where there are very few, gospel-preaching evangelical churches. So if you are a missionary or a Christian in that area, you’re choices are few and you suddenly aren’t as concerned about the coffee and the guitar and the color of the walls. You’re just happy to find people of faith nearby with whom you can fellowship and serve.

So, if there is something about your church you dislike, consider it an opportunity to sacrifice for the greater good of the body.

The Lincoln Movie and the Importance of Racial Reconciliation

I’m not a critic, so you won’t often mind substantive, intelligent movie reviews. I do enjoy cinema, however and occassionally a movie comes along that is more than something to pass time while eating popcorn. Movies like this are conversation starters. “Did you see it? If not, you must!” Movies like this stay with you long after you’ve viewed them. They make you think.

Lincoln, by Stephen Spielberg, is such a movie. I had the chance to see it last week and was profoundly moved.

What’s so interesting about viewing a movie about our 16th President is that we already know so much about him. In a sense, Lincoln is an icon, he’s a caricature, he’s a mythical figure. Towns and streets across the country bear his name. Volumes upon volumes have been written about him. He’s on our currency. His historical greatness is so enshrined in our conciousness that there is virtually no movement anywhere that would not hesitate to attach their cause to him.

And yet, it is something to actually see a human Abraham Lincoln. This is what Spielberg’s movie has given us. Of course there have been many film adaptations of his life and Lincoln impersonators are as easy to find as Elvis ones. And yet nothing has come as close to portraying for us, in the flesh, the real Abraham Lincoln as Daniel Day Lewis’ brilliant role. The cinematography  the dialogue, the music, the poignant scenes make the movie-goer feel as if he is really experiencing the life and times of this great man.

For me, the most powerful message of this movie is the idea of racial reconciliation. It’s hard to believe now, but 150 or so years ago, people in this country were enslaved, considered half-human simply because of the color of their skin. And Lincoln stood against this when it wasn’t popular, when it inequality was more passe than equality. Lincoln didn’t come to the anti-slavery position as a matter of political pragmatism. It was a deeply held belief, one that he felt deep in his heart and soul. And he pushed hard to defeat slavery, both with the passage of the 13th Amendment and in defeating the South in the Civil War.

When I watched this movie, I was struck by two things: First, it seems God raises up men of courage for certain times. Lincoln was clearly one of these men. It seems he was put on this earth to both hold together the United States as a country and to liberate generations of people previously enslaved. Of course he didn’t see full civil rights accomplished, but the 13 amendement became the Constitutional basis by which future gains were achieved. And then, his life was taken prematurely. It’s as if he finished his work and then passed from the earth. Historians disagree on the exact nature of his faith–some think he may have become more evangelical in the White House. Others disagree. Regardless, his life is an example for believers in that Lincoln possessed both the courage of his convictions and the moderate temperament to make a difference.

Secondly, the film reminded me just how far America has come in terms of racial reconciliation. There is still much work to do, of course, but consider that 150 years later, we have sitting in the White House an African American president. That’s no small thing and something even those who disagree with the President’s policies should celebrate. Racial reconciliation is as much at the heart of God as any other cultural issue. When the races come together it’s a porthole into Heaven. Revelation 21-22 describes the Kingdom as every race, tribe, and tongue gathering to worship Jesus. Churches should be at the forefront of this work and in their congregations should model in part what the Kingdom will eventually be.

I highly recommend Spielberg’s Lincoln. It’s a beautiful, historic, inspiring movie all Americans should see. And for Christians, a good reminder that God’s people should always be on the side of justice, regardless of the success of our efforts.

Three Pitfalls for Young Evangelical Leaders

I’m young. I’m an evangelical. And I’m a leader (at least of my family, my church, and in some disconnected sense, to my small audience of readers). It’s exciting to be a leader, but it’s also sobering and carries many responsibilities.

As I interact and read some of the work of the evangelicals in my generation I’m noticing some tendencies. I notice them in my own leadership and in the leadership of others. Here are the three that concern me most:

1) The tendency to caricature those with whom we disagree.

Tim Keller has a saying that goes something like this, “The way to charitably argue with someone is to present their argument in the best possible light.” I’m not sure I got that quote right, but it’s close. The point is this. If you disagree with someone, its best to disagree with the actual substance of their argument, not a straw man we can easily knock down. One of the temptations of young leaders is to lazily run with the caricature of someone with whom we disagree. It happens in all kinds of arguments.

We do this for two reasons: 1) It makes our argument look more reasonable and 2) It makes for a cheap applause line. But there are long-term ramifications of the straw man. For one thing, it promotes intellectual laziness. We end up training a generation of people who believe things, not because they are true, worthy, and right, but because they were taught that the opposing argument is unreasonable or scary. Secondly, it promotes disunity in the Church. Mockery and ad-hominem attacks don’t convince anyone except the converted and only sow divisions in Christ’s body. We ought to be able to present our case without having to tear down the opposing person or movement. Otherwise we may not be as firm in our position as we thought we were.

2) The tendency to think “we are the rising movement that will correct all errors.”

There is a sense of triumphalism that hurts the work of young evangelical leaders. It’s this sense that our parents’ generation was totally out to lunch, that they were backward, intolerant, and unthinking. Thankfully, the world has us, who will finally patch all the holes (or supposed holes) in Christianity. This sounds arrogant, but a form of this idea is appearing in more and more books I’m reading. So you have a new theological idea and instead of just presenting the case, it is presented like this, “Most of the Church believes this, but they have really been wrong for 2,000 years. Finally we have this.” Or you have a new methodological idea and rather than presenting some creative new approach, it has be like this, “Most churches are doing church this way and it’s inffective. We need to do it this way . . .” There is a certain hubris that thinks it is “our generation” that will finally get things right. I read in Scripture something different, where God says He “resists the proud but gives grace to the humble, “(James 4:16; 1 Peter 1:5; Proverbs 3:34).

There is something wonderful about new ideas, new arguments, new approaches. But let’s not, as a generation, be so arrogant to think that we have something our fathers didn’t have. The truth is that the generation after us will probably have it’s list of errors our generation of the Church made. Instead, let’s respect and honor the generations before us, even as we adapt and adjust our ministry to the 21st Century.

3) The overuse of the “haters gonna hate” meme.

Nobody likes to receive criticism and even the most thick-skinned leader is wounded by it. And the more successful you are, the more criticism will be lofted your way. Thankfully, I’ve not had to endure what many more gifted and prominent leaders have in terms of public and stinging rebukes. I’m not sure how I’d handle those. It seems, though, that there is a tendnecy among some young, successful, evangelicals leaders to shut out all criticism. Perhaps they’ve been wounded by the trolls and nasty people who offer less than gracious rebuke. But I think it’s a mistake to shut it all out and to adopt a finger-in-the-ear response. Sometimes there is value in the criticism we are hearing. Sometimes the person issuing it is not a “hater”, but a lover, who wishes to see our ministry grow and prosper and for peoples’ lives to be changed. Furthermore, establishing an echo-chamber of leadership will, over the long haul, lead to a dangerous church culture. There does need to be a filter and not all voices need to be heeded, but we also need to be as wise as King David, who had the temerity to listen when the prophet Nathan pointed the finger at him and said, “You are the man.” I wonder how many evangelical leaders have men in their lives who have the authority to say that to them. Or would they respond, “Well, haters gonna hate. I’m serving Jesus”?

What We Really Should Be Teaching Our Kids

Last Thursday, during the Thanksgiving meal we hosted at our house, my son, Daniel Jr (age 4) had an epic meltdown over a superheros costume. My brother, Tim, was the recipient of much of this. After dealing with Daniel’s tantrum, we both went our way, sharing times with our family members, eating more pie, and watching football. About 30 minutes later, something wonderful happened. My son, Daniel voluntarily walked up to my brother, Tim and said, “Uncle Tim, I’m sorry for my attitude before. Will you forgive me?”

Nobody forced Daniel to do this. He just did it. For me, it was a proud moment as a father. Because it tells me that Daniel is learning one of most important lessons in life: How to apologize when you have wronged someone.

It seems to me that Christian parenting can often be so caught up in behavior modification that we forget to instill in our kids the real and important things they will need to live a healthy spiritual life. The tools for dealing with their own sin. Because, brace yourrself parents, our kids will sin. They will sin today and they will sin for the rest of their lives. Hopefully they will come to faith in Christ and experience His sanctifying work so that they sin less. But as fallen creatures, they will sin.

Sadly, much of our parenting techniques miss this important point. We parent as if we can actually iron out sin, as if we could just stumble onto the right system so that we’ll produce perfect little angels. In doing this, we rob our children of the most important truths they will need to succeed: the reality of the gospel.

You see, it is good that we have rules and laws in our homes. After all the law was originally given by God as an act of grace toward his children. And good parents demonstrate their love for their own children by having laws. Not running in the street is a pretty good law that protects their welfare.

However, if we are only about law and talk and model and enforce nothing of the gospel, we are crippling our children. We are giving them no mechanism for dealing with the inevitability of their own sin. I think much of this is the due to the tragic misapplication of Proverbs 22:6 (Train up a child in the way he should go . . . ) which is a proverb of wisdom, not a promise of perfection for kids.

We must, as parents, embed the gospel in our parenting. We must first evangelize them so they come to Jesus in repentance and faith. Then, we must teach them to apply the gospel in their lives: the vital cycle of repentance and forgiveness. In other words, we must teach them to live life as it really is, not as we often wish it would be.

We all know the dangers of a lawless, boundary-less household. But we seldom think about the impact on kids of a childhood that sees no grace. Parenting simply fixated on behavior modification–with  no gospel-based mechanism for dealing with sin, failure, and weakness–has two equally devastating effects. Kids either reject the legalism of the law and live a miserable life with no boundaries or they embrace a lethal mixture of Phariseeism and perfectionism, holding themselves to an impossible standard and thumbing their nose at anyone who doesn’t live up to their standard.In both cases, you have children who are shocked by their ability to sin and have no idea where to go with it.

The point is this. We are not simply training our kids to be good kids. We are modeling for them the relationship God has with us. We’re introducing them to Christ, who is their sin-bearer, the champion has defeated sin and death, and their only way of victory over sin.

A parenting model that focuses only on right behaviors, at the expense of the gospel, is a parenting model that treats every offense as Armageddon, that is horrified and surprised when their little angels commit sin. It’s a parenting model that ruins parents with dangerous introspection (what did I do wrong). It’s a parenting model based on fear, not faith.

But, a parenting model that features a mix of grace and law looks much different. It applies and enforces God’s law in the home, but introduces the concepts of grace, repentance, and sanctification. And what it celebrates is not necessarily little Johnny’s ability to not throw tantrums, but little Johnny’s voluntary expressions of remorse and repentance afterword.

Celebrating 10 Great Years

Ten years ago, today, I held hands and looked into the eyes of a beautiful girl from Texas named Angela Sullivan.  I didn’t know much, but I knew I was in love with this girl. I fell in love with her beauty, her vivacious, sweet spirit, her love for the Lord and her zest for life. I thought I knew what marriages would be like, but I didn’t have a clue, really.

It’s been ten years, ten of the best, richest, most satisfying years of my life. This girl I married, Angela, has enriched my life in so many ways. She’s taught me how to be a good husband. She’s pushed me to be a good father. She’s given me four beautiful children.

We’ve been through some gut-wrenching trials together. We’ve endured the loss of loved ones. We’ve been betrayed by close and trusted friends. We’ve hurt so deeply we didn’t know if we could go on.We’ve endured excruciating health crises.

We’ve seen the Lord work in incredible ways. We’ve grown together. We’ve witnessed miracles.

We’ve wept together. We’ve laughed together. We’ve created many memories together.

The Bible describes marriage as a mystery. And it truly is. Two vastly different people, hearts knit together in love. I honestly say that today I’m more in love with Angela than I was the day we said our vows and became man and wife. These years have been rich, they’ve been wonderful. I thank God for the gift of my wife. I’m a better man for the ten years I’ve spent with Angela.

My prayer is for another ten years with her. And then another ten and another ten and another ten until we are both so old we can’t hardly move and our teeth are gone. When she is not present in the room, I feel like a part of me is missing. Her faith, her courage, her giftedness was exactly what God knew I needed.

In 2002, we spent our first Thanksgiving in clueless bliss at an Italian restaurant in a lighthouse in Aruba. Ten years later, we’ll spend it with a houseful of children. Who knows what the next ten years will bring. By God’s grace, it will be with Angela by my side. Thank you God, for this beautiful gift I don’t deserve.

Twenty Random Things I’m Thankful For in 2012

I love Thanksgiving. Here are twenty random things in no certain order that I’m thankful for:

1)     I’m thankful for Angela, my beautiful wife of ten years (tomorrow is my anniversary). I’m the luckiest man alive. But more on that tomorrow.

2)    I’m thankful for my four children, Grace, Daniel, Emma, Lily. Each is so uniquely different and yet so precious.

3)    I’m thankful for my family: parents who raised me in the Lord and have always loved me, my brother Tim, my sister Laura and how they have enriched my life.

4)    I’m thankful for Billy Graham, whose ministry helped bring my father to Christ.

5)    I’m thankful for the Church. I’m thankful for my church. I’m thankful to serve as a pastor.

6)    I’m thankful to live in the 21st Century with technology like my iPhone, my Macbook, Twitter, GPS, and other such things. I don’t pine to live in some other era like the 1950′s. God put me in this age at this time. And so I like it.

7)    I’m grateful for good, deep, rich, wonderful friendships that last the test of time.

8)    I’m grateful for annoying people, trials, and character-building things I hate but that God sends for my sanctification.

9)    I’m grateful for coffee, for the delightful Mexican restaurant near our house: Grande Jakes, for Netflix, for Frasier, and for thrift shops where I can buy quality shirts for $3.00.

10)  I’m grateful for good books, for a love of reading, for men like Tim Keller, Mark Buchanan, Randy Newman, Max Lucado, D.A. Carson and other Christian leaders and authors who have inspired me.

11)  I’m grateful for Trinity Evangelical Divinity School, where I’m studying for an Mdiv.

12)  I’m grateful for my assistant pastor, Jay Lovelace and his wife Cheyenne.

13)  I’m grateful for Amazon.com and especially Amazon Prime.

14)  I’m grateful for Ginger Kolbaba, who published my very first piece of published work, for Andrea Mullins, who published my first four books, for the guys at Crosswalk.com who continue to give me a platform, and for anyone who has ever published a piece of my writing.

15)  I’m grateful for Tamela Hancock Murray, my literary agent who has helped me get published.

16)  I’m grateful for insurance companies, good health care, air conditioning, and Diet Mountain Dew Red.

17)  I’m grateful for email, texting, podcasting, and fantasy football.

18)  I’m grateful to live in Chicago, to live in the United States of America, and for the opportunity to travel to other countries and see the world as it really is.

19)  I’m grateful for Trevin Wax, Tim Challies, Kevin DeYoung, the Gospel Coalition, Aaron Armstrong, Michael Hyatt, Paul Tautges, and the host of other blogs I follow.