Pamela Clare's Blog, page 33

True Love

Alec Matthew, 12 hours old, Oct. 1, 1986


As a romance novelist, I write stories about men and women who meet, overcome obstacles together and fall in love. But the greatest love I have known is the love I feel as a mother. It dwarfs any romantic love. There's not a man on the planet who captures my heart the way my two sons do. No other relationship has brought me such joy.

Alec, my first born, turned 24 on Oct. 1. The day he was born I was blown away by how much I loved him. He was tiny — only 6 pounds, 10 ounces — but I remember thinking as I held him that my happiness from that moment on would depend on his well-being.

Both of my births were attended by midwives — I don't like being told what to do and doctors have nasty tendency to dominate women during labor and birth, when we should be the ones in charge — and Alec's birth was 100 percent natural. No IV. No drugs. No one shouting, "Push! Push!" or counting to 10. I caught him myself and drew him onto my chest so fast that no one could see whether he was a boy or a girl.

But that was the most pain-filled day of my life, and I decided that I would either never have another child, or I would have an epidural from the moment I found out I was pregnant.

Well, I ended up having an epidural, but not until I was dilated 4 cm with Benjamin. I knew he was a boy from ultrasound images. I wasn't terribly interested in having the experience of birth — no more than anyone is excited to go through, say, a root canal — but I did want my baby. I found a great midwife who agreed to an epidural.

Benjamin Alexander — just hours old — November 20, 1989

I was only in active labor for two hours with Benjamin. He had a 15-inch head, however, so that was painful, especially because the epidural wore off just as I hit the pushing stage. I screamed him out — poor kid!

Now, he and his brother are all grown up. I miss them both so much. Alec lives about 45 minutes from here, so I've been very lucky to be able to spend a bit more time with him, especially lately. He's been coming over for dinner every other week, and I've really cherished that time.

Brothers being goofy on Christmas morning



Benjamin would be arriving home in Denver right now for Thanksgiving Break, but his girlfriend, Lucy, is away on a semester-abroad program, studying theater in London. The selfless part of me thought it would be a beautiful birthday gift if I sent him to be with her for that week. Not only would they get to see each other, but he would get to see London accompanied by someone who's been there for a few months and knows her way around.

The selfish part of me is sad that he won't be here. By the time he gets home on Dec. 19, I will have gone just over four months without seeing him — a world record. I miss him so very much. I hope he has a safe and wonderful time in London with Lucy.

Benjamin and Lucy


I should say that Benjamin, perhaps more than any single person, has been there for me as a writer. I cannot tell you how many weekends he cleaned the house so that I wouldn't have to. How many teenage boys — age 14-18 — do that sort of thing of their own volition? Plus, he lets me bounce ideas off him, as well.

Perhaps because he wants to be a filmmaker and has long had an interest in creative endeavors, he seems to understand how much it means to me to try to make it as an author. He has seen me at my best and at my very worst when I was at the end of my rope, ready to scream and rip my own hair out.


Happy Birthday, Benjamin, from the mother who loves you enough to send you to England when she instead wanted to bring you home. Enjoy London. And please be safe!

Benjamin Alexander, shooting Apples, Ithaca College, Fall 2010

Quick update on BREAKING POINT

Authors are always the last to know...

Thanks to a tip from a reader, I discovered that the publication date for Breaking Point, my next I-Team story, has been bumped up to May 2011 from July. That's two whole months sooner that you'll be able to read about Natalie's ordeal in Mexico — and how it brings her together with the wounded warrior who needs her every bit as much as she needs him.

Breaking Point is already available on Amazon for pre-order, although they don't have the cover up yet. You'll have to search to find it.

Of course, if I don't finish the book by November 30, I'll lose that publication date. I understand now why my editor wants it absolutely by the end of the month. I'm on Chapter 29. But events at the paper have kept me extra busy. I spent this past weekend with some good friends, and this coming weekend will be shortened due to a wonky special edition deadline that is robbing me of a day off. Yikes!

Send good vibes for a crazy productive week! I'm editing the book on weeknights, trying to get revisions done at the same time that the ending of the novel is percolating in my brain.

In the meantime, I'm thinking up some fun contests, including an I-Team Re-read Challenge and a Get the I-Team Hunks Out of Your TBR and Into Your Bed Challenge.

The first would involve prizes for readers who re-read the first four books just prior to the release date of Breaking Point. The second is about encouraging readers who have the I-Team books buried in their TBR to dig them out, dust them off and read them. Do Julian and Marc really deserve to languish in TBR limbo forever?

Also, I'm going to try to get some apps going. One that comes to mind is "Pin the Canoli on the I-Team Hunk." Thanks to Jenn J, we have the art for that, but it doesn't actually move. So I might have an apps contest, too, to see who can develop the coolest ideas for iPods, iPhones and iPads. (I say this after having played Angry Birds on Libby's iPad. That game is addictive!)

I'd also like to give a shout out to SueZ, Libby and Kristi for being such great friends. We had a blast this weekend, thanks to Sue, who got the ball rolling. Alcohol was consumed. Laughing was epidemic. And I think we had the world's longest Skype session ever with Kristi.

Coming soon:
Playlists for Breaking Point

So, what is everyone reading these days?

Man-Titty Monday — The Fuzz Above the Fun

Hi.

We at MTM HQ had too much fun this weekend. We are barely able to lift our aching heads to gaze upon our computer screens to perform the important task of supplying women worldwide with male hotties to brighten their Monday mornings.

But we are dedicated. So, although we may have had too much Bailey's, Tres Leches, beer, and mixed vodka drinks, here we are, supplying you with man chest.

This week's theme emerges from the drunken giggling of four very good friends. It was supposed to be "A Touch of Pubes." But somehow that just doesn't sound sexy. So we came up with another name for it "The Fuzz Above the Fun." You figure it out.

The gentleman above exhibits veins — I know who likes those — in addition to luscious musculature and just a touch of pubic hair.

It's nice to be teased that way, you know? Makes you wonder what lies below that thatch of dark hair. As if you didn't know.





This guy doesn't seem to know you have to unzip your jeans before you shimmy out of them. Anyone want to help him out? He, too, exhibits attractive abdominals, sexy veinage, and just a teasing hint of pubes.

You know you want to see more, but you don't get to. That's what titillation is all about.

This gentleman sports the same hairstyle I wear early in the morning. His smooth, satiny skin stretched over those hard, ripped muscles makes us drool — a great way to purify our bodies after excess consumption of alcohol. Someone get more water... And napkins. Or better yet a towel.



This gentleman is ripped and wet and delicious — he's so tasty, in fact, that I don't give a darn if we can't see his pubes.

So that's Man-Titty Monday for this week. Now, where's the aspirin...

Some good news

Those of you who stay on top of news on the blogosphere have no doubt heard of the struggles facing Dorchester Publishing, the publishing company that launched me back in 2003. They've had financial difficulties, which have resulted in their decision to go to an e-book format only and to discontinue books in print. They've also had a great deal of difficulty paying authors, including yours truly.

I hold great affection for many people at Dorchester, so I'm this post won't devolve into Dorch-bashing. But I will say that I was lucky enough to separate myself from the company before its woes became serious. I left on good terms — at least with the people I care about, most of whom are no longer there — but Dorchester still owned the rights to my five historical novels.

My agent and I were not excited about the prospect of these novels being available only and forever by e-book, so she started the looooong process of getting back my rights. We had strong grounds to do this, and as of October 12, my books once again belonged solely to me.

They're still available as e-books, although I'm not getting any of the revenue from sales. It's still going to Dorchester because the e-book companies, Amazon included, seem to take their sweet time when it comes to removing titles. I haven't raised a stink about it — in my case Dorchester is absolutely not to blame — because I'm very busy.

Today I got the fan-freaking-tastic news that Penguin — my I-Team series is published under their Berkley Sensation imprint — is buying the distribution rights to three of the five books in my historical backlist. They are buying Ride the Fire, Surrender and Untamed.

It makes sense for them to buy especially the last two, as they also bought Connor's book. After people read his story, some will want to go back and get the previous two books. And unless they're still in print, they won't be able to find them. But now, happily, they will be in print.

So that takes care of the MacKinnon's Rangers series.



But what about the others? I told my agent to please, please, please try to persuade Penguin to buy Ride the Fire, as well. There are reasons for this. First, it's the novel where my writing really hit its stride, or so I feel. Also, it's an intensely personal story for me, the novel that took the most out of me in many respects. And third, it's a reader fave.

My editor hasn't read Ride the Fire yet, but I trust that when she does she'll be happy she included it in the purchase. And when she reads it, I'm going to ask for the chance to fix one thing that has bugged me for years (an oversight on my part toward the end) and to add the long-awaited, still unwritten epilogue.

I have no idea what the covers will look like or when the books will be released. I suspect they'll want to get Surrender and Untamed in print before Connor's book is released a little more than a year from now. As for Ride the Fire, who knows? But at least the stories won't be languishing forever.

As for Sweet Release and Carnal Gift, I've got to contact all the e-book booksellers in the universe and let them know to send the checks to moi. Because I have time for that. But for the foreseeable future, those two are going to be out of print. It's a bummer, yes, but I've had a much softer landing with regard to the Dorchester ordeal than some authors. I have my agent to thank for that.

I've been keeping my fingers crossed that my editor would want these books for weeks now, and I'm so excited to share the good news.

MTM — Sexy chesticles

Man-Titty Monday began as a weekly celebration of my favorite male body part — the male chest. I like chest so much that when I took my first foreign language class in high school, the first thing I did was look up the word "chest." I could say "pecho muy guapo" before I could say anything else in Spanish. And that's not all.

I gave my virginity to the first man I met who had rock-hard pecs and abs and obliques. He was on the national gymnastics team of the country where I was living and had the body of a god. Sadly, his mind didn't match his physique. But that doesn't diminish the fact that I got to enjoy the best attributes of a man who would have made a fine edition to MTM himself.

This week, after looking at robust male bulges, we return to the ogling of chesticles. The guy up top has such fine pecs that he even admires them. See how he stares at himself?

I tried for a selection this week that included men with chest hair.


But then I came across this fine example of pec-tacular studliness and just didn't care that he probably sat in a salon for an hour having hair ripped out of his boobs. Now, it could be that my eyes are tired after 16 hours of nonstop writing... But is that a little happy trail on his lower belly?




Here we have a man for those of you who aren't really into muscle and prefer the poet's body. Hard but lean and long. Hey, I'm not picky. I've got a thing for pecs and abs and obliques, but you wouldn't find me tossing this guy out of my bedroom.


And last but not least on this lovely fall morning, it's Alex O'Laughlin in Hawaii Five-O mode. The man is smoking hot. Note the ripped physique, the perfect amount of chest hair, the Australian accent. Okay, so you can't see his accent, but you can listen to it in a zillion interviews on YouTube.

I had a bit of a rough writing weekend. Yes, Breaking Point nearly drove me to a breaking point. I came to a key chapter and struggled to get the words right. I have a vision of the scenes I write in my head. I know the emotional wallop I want them to pack. I know the action that must occur. I know the plot threads that must advance. And when the words that come out of my fingers don't create the results I need, it gets extremely frustrating.

At one point, I was torn between the urge to smash my computer to bits and the urge to tear out all my hair. I went to bed instead. Then I got up early and Skyped by baby sister in Sweden. An hour later, I was back on an even keel again.

I have a hard deadline of Nov. 29 for Breaking Point. That means a lot of writing between now and then. This book is ending up longer than I intended, so I'll have probably 32 chapters, plus the epilogue. I just finished Chapter 28.

In other news: I learned rather recently that the author's note I spent so much time writing did not get published in Naked Edge. I can only assume it was a space issue. But it's unfortunate, given how much real life played into that story. So if you've read Naked Edge and want to read the author's note, click here. It will take you to my website, where I've posted the entire thing.

I'll be putting a glossary in Breaking Point — if I can remember all the words and terms I felt needed a glossary. D'oh! No author's note this time, however.

Have a great chest-tacular Monday, everyone!

Busy writing...

So sorry to leave you without new content! Hope those photos of bulging man-bits didn't bore you too much.

The election ate my life for a few days. We worked late Tuesday night, laughing at all the stupid things TV journalists were saying. And we got a little punchy ourselves late that night.

One guy from Channel 9 said: "Sometimes people say they think they can win this thing because they feel like they have to say they think they can win it, and then sometimes you know people are saying they think they can win because they think they can win."

Uh, wow. Put that online as your quote of the week.

I feel sorry for broadcast journalists in the sense that they have to fill time and they can't edit things once they've said them during a live broadcast. I've done lots of live radio and live radio call-in shows, so I understand that. But sheesh! I don't think I've ever been that inarticulate. Some of the blather was highly entertaining.

But the election is over. Thank God!

I've shifted straight into working on Breaking Point. My goal is to finish Chapter 28 and then get at least halfway through Chapter 29 before the end of the weekend, because next weekend I'm taking for myself.

It's going to be a BFF gangsta weekend, with SueZ flying in from Ohio to hang with Libby and me. There will be good food and drink. There will be laughter. And time will go by much too swiftly. That's all I know for certain. We don't have anything specific planned beyond spending time together, something we rarely get to do.

One member of our gangsta foursome can't make it — Kristi! — so we'll be missing her. But we hope to do a video chat of some kind so that she can share in the fun.

Last time I saw Sue and Kristi in person was in August 2008 when I was driving home from dropping my son off at college in NY. They supplied the alcohol. I cried, my heart completely broken at having to leave my boy behind and return to my empty nest for the very first time. They were my salvation on that trip.

Libby and I manage to see each other a bit more often — which is good because she only lives 20 minutes away.

But back to Breaking Point... Some of you have been pleading for an excerpt. If I can find one that doesn't give something key away, I'll post it. But this is my most action-packed I-Team novel, and future scenes give past events away. I don't want to ruin it for anyone, so I am being cautious with excerpts.

I'm reaching the emotional and action climaxes of the story in the next couple of chapters, so it's some pretty intense writing. I deliberately manipulate my own emotions for these scenes, playing music that puts me in the right frame of mind, whether it's fear or grief or despair or whatever the emotion is. Then I end up going through a box of tissues and feeling as wrung-out as the characters.

My new deadline is Nov. 29. If I don't meet it, the publication day moves further away. So I must meet it! I won't be around as much between now and the end of the month as I finish weaving words together for this story.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

MTM — Beauty of the Bulge

Welcome to Monday!

I hope everyone had a safe and happy Halloween and that no one's feeling too sick from eating the leftover candy — or from sneaking treats from their kids.

It's hard to believe that it's already November, but here we are at the tail end of 2010, heading into the holiday season. Speaking of tail end, we at MTM hope that you enjoyed last week's look at the male posterior.

This week, we're flipping it around again for a look at some hot male bulges — you know, that part of the male anatomy that men think about most often.

I've heard lots of women say that a man's junk is not her favorite body part. Most of us prefer chest or shoulders or thighs or even backs and behinds to the bulge. Except maybe at key moments when the bulge is essential.

But I don't know that we've been quite honest with ourselves about how sexy a man's bulge can be. Today, we'll test that theory, and see how many of you find yourself acknowledging that, yes, size does matter and a man's package is a pretty special thing.

We'll start out mild and move to wild.

Above, please note the fine six-pack and the respectable bulge in the jeans.

Monday seems better already, doesn't it?



This gentleman would make any woman who loves man-thighs breathe faster. He does have amazing legs! But there's a nice bulge under those gym shorts, which, thoughtfully, are wet.

If you read the interview with me on Facebook, it asks what's my favorite kind of clothing for the opposite sex to wear and I put "wet boxer briefs." There's a reason for that, which you can see somewhat here.

I've posted this one before, though some of you didn't care for the torn belly shirt and found it a bit too... silly. But this gentleman is sporting a decent package, so I included him. Plus, I just don't mind staring at the rest of him. I love his chest, and I love the fact that he's not waxed.

Excellent obliques, too, as well as a nice trail to follow in case you're coming in for a landing and somehow got lost.



Speaking of package... If you could put a bow around this and put it under my Christmas tree, I'd be very grateful. Briefs never looked so good. Makes you want to... Touch. (Still working on that...)




This photo knocked the breath out of my lungs. I just stared. And stared. And stared. Then I decided I'd gone into the wrong field of journalism. I ought to have gone into sports journalism so that I could interview hot men in the locker room, where sights like this are probably common and, unfortunately, largely wasted on guys who don't appreciate them the way I would.

This photo rocked your world earlier this year. It fit the theme, and we just didn't think you'd object to seeing it another time. But if you do, just look away. That's right. Pretend there's not something amazing wrapped up in gauze here and look away. I know you can do it. Okay, so maybe you can't. I can't either.

Does he need help getting untangled? Inquiring hands, er, minds want to know.



Someone is in a bit of trouble. He's manacled to the table in torn undies that display his bulge quite nicely. Why a table? Beef — it's clearly what's for dinner here.

We hope you've enjoyed this week's installment of MTM. Next week, we get back to the basics: chest. Yes, a return to man titty.

In the meantime, enjoy, and have a safe and lovely week!

In the home stretch

Just thought I'd do a quick update on Breaking Point. I missed my Oct. 15 deadline, but I won't miss it by too much.

I finished Chapter 26 this weekend while enjoying a long chat with readers on Goodreads.com. The even was organized by a reader, Dhestiny, who has her own blog at Blithely Bookish (you can find it listed lower down on the right side here). I think in the end there were more than 200 posts. Of course, a lot of those were from me answering questions. But back to Breaking Point...

I had hoped to write three chapters this weekend, but it just didn't happen. The biggest difficulty about having another job besides novel writing is that it uses up brain power and tends to push my characters out of my mind, no matter how hard I try to hold onto the prior weekend's inspiration. So it wasn't till Sunday morning that the chapter began to click for me.

I have about four chapters left to write — 27 through 30 — plus the mandatory epilogue. (Oh, come on! Most of you are total suckers for a poignant epilogue.) Then begins what I love the most — the editing process.

Different authors handle writing differently. Some bang out an entire draft of a book in a short period of time — a couple of weeks or a month. But I've been an editor too long to bang out anything. So I edit while I write, which makes the process take muuuuch loooooooooonger.

But the upside of writing the way that I write is that when I'm done, I have a fairly polished manuscript. Then my attention shifts from themes and plots and details to really finessing the story, polishing the prose, making sure every scene is how I want it. With the pressure to produce pages behind me, I find it my most creative time. Sometimes I even add, completely rewrite or revise scenes during this time. The shackles scene in Sweet Release is an example of that.

I spent some time Sunday evening trying to figure out how this book ends, and the pieces are miraculously starting to fall into place. I hope the next chapters move quickly. I don't want to be so late with the book that I lose my July publication date.

Other book news: I got the rights to my historicals back from the original publisher, so they belong entirely to me now. You'll see the print copies disappear from stores, including online stores, and the e-books will come down, too. Right now, the sales are still going to the book's former publisher. But hopefully they'll be back relatively soon once I work out how to handle it all. It's new to me. I'm exploring some interesting options at the moment. Sorry that they're going to be largely unavailable for a while.

Unlawful Contact sold in Japan, and it looks like the I-Team may be on its way to China. Keep your fingers crossed!

We're due to get our first frost tonight. This morning was windy and rainy, then the sun came out. Now the temps are dropping. The tops of the high peaks were sparsely white. Not deep snow yet, but a sign that we're moving toward winter.

Have a great rest of your week. I hope to pop in again before the weekend.

Thanks to all of you who joined in the Goodreads chat, and thanks to Dhestiny for setting it up.

MTM — The Flip Side: Butt Seriously...

I hope you will all forgive me. We at MTM HQ may be crossing a line this week. But what's life if you're unwilling to take risks?

Before we return to our worship of bare male pecs — that is the purpose of Man-Titty Monday — I thought we'd finish our exploration of men's backsides. Last week, we took a look at traps and deltoids and triceps. This week, we're going to focus on the glutes.

Yes, that's right. Today we're focused on what Brit-ish people call "bums." In the U.S., a bum is someone who passes out on park benches at night. In more Brit-ish parts of the world, a bum is what you sit upon.

And look at the specimen above. He's wearing his costume already. Thank goodness he's not wearing tights or a cape. I love the dimples just above a guy's glutes. He is super, that's for sure, and he can rescue me any time he likes.



Here's a young man just waking up from a restful sleep to discover his own bicep. We think it's nice, too. Perhaps nicer is the posterior he's got wrapped up in tighty-whities. Is he sleeping with weights? Come on! We can do better than that.




I like this fellow even more. I love the fact that he's doing push-ups in a black thong. I think that's a brilliant idea. More men should try it, particularly if we're there to watch. Those of you who like backs will love this photo, as well. I don't know for sure who this guy is, but there are parts of him that resemble you-know-who (no, not Voldemort!).


This guy is named Marco. And he is resting. Who wants to rest with him? He is absolutely breathtaking, is he not? The smooth man-curves. The tat. All that muscle. Can you imagine being beneath him? I can.



No edition of MTM would be complete without Jed Hill. I hope the Blogger Police don't come to shut our MTM party down. This photograph is... sublime. It offers man-bum at its finest. But it's no fun being able to see it without being able to touch. Women are, after all, more tactile in our sexual responses than men. They like to look; we like to touch. But MTM hasn't gone interactive in that way yet. If we can find a way to develop Stroke-o-Vision, we will let you know.

Halloween will come and go before we meet again, so here's a nice Jack-oh-my-Lantern MTM-style to get us all in the spirit of the holiday. But I have one question before I let you get on with your Monday: Who got to paint the designs on this guy? Why do I never get asked to do these things?

That just bums me out.

Happy Monday, womankind! And Happy Halloween!

P.S. On behalf of our sisters in Australia, we are posting this edition of MTM early. It's already Monday there.

Argh! Someone please confiscate my TBR!

Shelter Mountain by Robyn Carr

My rating: 5 of 5 stars


I hate myself. I read this entire book in a few big gulps rather than working on the novel that is already late to New York. Go me.

Why? Well, for starters, I've gotten really attached to the whole damned town of Virgin River. I had to see what would happen to Mel and Jack and Preacher and Paige and their buddy Mike and poor Rick and Liz.

The book weaves together all of these couples and their story lines, and it's told from a myriad of perspectives. So while the story ostensibly focused on Preacher and Paige, there was a lot to the story that didn't involve them.

Paige is the quintessential abused wife who accidentally winds up in Virgin River at Jack's bar while trying to escape her S.O.B. of a husband. She and her little boy come under Preacher's protection — and the relationship between them builds over time, first as she goes about trying to set up a life free of abuse and then later as she and Preacher fall in love.

As with the first book in this series, Virgin River, I enjoyed the midwifery aspects of the story. And it was good to see the issue of spousal abuse — I like that more than the term "domestic violence," which sounds friendlier somehow — explored with authenticity. It's a topic I've covered a lot as a journalist, and Paige seems to go through all the classic responses.

Because we get all these characters' continuing stories, there are ups and downs for everyone. I couldn't stop from getting teared up over the tragedy that befalls Rick and Liz.

But I need to NOT buy the next one until I'm done with my own book, because clearly once I start I'm just done writing until I'm done reading. If that makes any sense....

So I end the evening with the glow of having read a wonderful book and the all-consuming guilt of an author who made precisely zero progress on her own manuscript today.



View all my reviews