Kimberly Steele's Blog, page 44

Movie Review: Breaking Down Breaking Dawn

I finally saw Breaking Dawn.  Obviously, I've seen it very late in the game–it came out months ago.

The fact that I'm a vampire author needs to be put aside here.  The Twilight series, as much as it shares the vampire romance genre my book Forever Fifteen occupies, is as different from my book as night and day. Though they share certain ideas, my book has almost nothing in common with Twilight save the first books being set in high school, so let's move on.

I saw this thing on sale for $4.00 at Rampage I still wouldn't buy it.

Breaking Dawn is, hands down, one of the worst films I have ever seen.  I have not and will not read the rest of the Twilight books, even though I own them.  I enjoyed the first book, but I found the reading of the second to be incredibly tedious and not worth my time.  I needn't explain my philosophy that my life is too short for bad books.

CAUTION: SPOILERS

Breaking Dawn begins by falling flat.  In an obvious concession to the primarily female audience, the first minute of the film features Jacob tearing off his own shirt, as if the director was trying to throw us a bone because he knew how terrible the rest of the film would be.  Vampire Edward and human Bella are getting married, a plot point that cannot stand on its own if you haven't seen the other movies.  A painful, drawn out ceremony has a constipated-looking bride looking nearly as pale and fragile as her milquetoast vampire fiancee.  Like many women of an older generation, I do not find Robert Pattinson attractive.  He has always appeared to me to have been hit in the face with a shovel.  The wedding is as dull as dishwater with Bella wearing a schizophrenic dress that is 19th century butt-cleavage couture from the back and Forever 21 super-sale rack from the front.  The whiny teenagers marry, with Jacob the Werewolf inserting some contrarian whining at the reception.

Off to the tragic honeymoon in Brazil.  The weird, no-questions-asked nature of Bella's parental relationship is spotlighted when Bella refuses to tell her own father where she'll be honeymooning with her new husband.  Daddy doesn't know his little girl married a vampire to begin with, so it's just another glaring hole in the plot to diminish our suspension of disbelief in the whole Twilight construct.  Once in Rio, there is an odd, 80′s music video scene of Brazilians dancing and making out in the street.

Shovel Face and Skeletora play chess. Riveting.

Finally, the scene that supposedly we've all been waiting for arrives.  Bella's precious virginity, the object of grandiose, cultish suffering on the part of Edward and the entire Twilight audience, is finally about to make its final exit.  Bella freaks out, appears to be constipated, and brushes her teeth messily before meeting Edward in the ocean for a watery rendezvous.

After they do the deed, the hotel room is trashed and Bella's got two bruises that could be hickeys.  Edward vows not to touch Bella again, even though they're married.  Edward is unable to resist his wife and they do it again.

All seems normal until Bella realizes her period is late.  This is where we first encounter, face-on, the inherent colonial racism of Twilight.  Edward begs an Indian woman (assigned to clean the trashed honeymoon suite) to tell him what to expect when you're an expecting vampire dad.  She knows because she's Indian, right?  And Indians are ancient, right?  Honestly, I'm old enough to remember horrible commercials where laundry detergent was praised as an "Ancient Chinese Secret" by the Asian equivalent of Uncle Tom.  Those commercials have nothing on Twilight's depictions of native peoples.  Also, another gaping plot hole presents itself.  Vampires who have existed for hundreds, if not thousands of years, have no answers as Bella calls the Cullen coven?  Never in the long existence of vamps has a vampire accidentally impregnated a human?  I find that hard to believe.

The most anorexic and pale Kristen Stewart ever, which is quite an accomplishment.

Anyway, Bella is with child and the predicament is HORRIFYING.   She goes home and pretends she's in a spa in Switzerland to her credulous father and mother.  Meanwhile, she's two weeks going on ten months pregnant.  The baby is eating her from the inside out.  Kristen Stewart, who already looks anorexic in her normal state, is CGI'd to look like an Auchwitz resident circa 1943.

There is no semblance of a plot in Breaking Dawn until the movie is past the hour mark, when Bella is actually pregnant.  I felt this was not a forgivable movie sin.  Jacob spends most of his time acting like a beta male to Edward's non-alpha, running around with the motley collection of "Indian" werewolves.  Obviously in the minds of the Twilight casting department, Native peoples include anyone with dark skin and dark eyes, be they half-Asian, Hispanic, Brazilian, Israeli, etc.

MORE SPOILERS.  The movie becomes grotesque and cringeworthy, though slightly more exciting as it nears its finish.  The starvation CGI was good, but I'm not sure the same team worked on the werewolves.

Stay tuned for the next release of Baldur's Gate: Dark Alliance.

As in past Twilight movies, the werewolves were very video-gameish.  Their movements were herky-jerky and overall too exaggerated and fast, about on the same par as the thrown together CGI of the Nature Channel.

Bella's baby, Tresseme Hair Product I mean Renesmee, is a ridiculous giant-eyed CGI creature who fixes her eerie, enlarged cornea puppy-dog gaze on Jacob.

As a lame consolation prize for losing Bella, Jacob is bonded to his ex-girlfriend's infant in a creepy montage tailor made for a breed of lonely bachelor who spends all his time surfing certain password protected virus-infested pay-per-view channels of the internet.

Speaking of profoundly disturbing aspects of BD, the soundtrack is klunky and jarring, featuring the whiniest indie bands of the Repetitive Jackhammer School of Musical Styling.

The first and second Twilight movies had quite a few redeeming qualities, in my opinion.  Watching the last two films brings to mind a fruit that is rotten and maggoty  in the center–there is little of value here and I wish the story could have been resolved in a better way, with better writing, a better director, and a better special effects team.

Vegan New Year's Feast – Potatoes, Swedish Nutballs, Corn and Beans, & Quinoa

We had a nice New Years Eve.  It's my personal tradition to always stay in that night and not drink.

Roasted potatoes

ROASTED POTATOES

Ingredients:

Potatoes

Oil

Salt

Take anywhere from 6 to 8 potatoes, don't skin them.  Just chop them to the size you want–for instance, sometimes I make them long like French fries.  Then toss them in the pan with 3 T. of vegetable oil and salt to taste.  Bake in a 425 oven for half hour, toss them once, then let bake another half hour.

Swedish Vegan Nutballs

I originally made these for the INSANITY Podcast of Horror.  They are really good.

SWEDISH NUTBALLS – Vegan soy meat balls with walnuts in an almond milk gravy

1 tube of vegan sausage, I use Gimme Lean Sausage Style

4 cups reconstituted "beef flavor" TVP (about 3 cups before reconstituting)

1 cup shelled walnuts

1 medium sized onion, minced fine (I chop it and put it in the food processor) then pre-fried in 1 T. oil or vegan butter like Earth Balance

3-5 cups of panko or bread crumbs

1 heaping teaspoon of sugar or 2. t. maple syrup

1/2 t. cinnamon

1/2 t. allspice

1 squirt Sriacha (optional)

Salt and pepper to taste

Small pan with shallow layer of olive oil for frying

Directions for the nutballs:

Soak the TVP in enough water to cover for about an hour.  TVP will absorb all the water and expand.  Pre-fry the minced onion and toss in the walnuts during the last minute over medium heat until onions are transparent and walnuts are fragrant.  Scoop onion mixture directly into the food processor along with reconstituted TVP and blend until the mixture is thick and sticky-smooth.  Using a rubber spatula, spoon TVP/onion/walnut mixture into a large bowl with the sausage flavor Gimme Lean or other veggie sausage mix.  Mix in panko, flaxseed meal, sugar, spices, and Sriacha if using.  Mixture should be very sticky.  Roll into small balls and fry in the shallow layer of oil at medium heat until the nutballs develop a crunchy outside.

 
CORN, BEAN, AND SWEET PEPPER SALAD
1 package of frozen corn (4 cups approx.) thawed
1 can organic black beans, rinsed and drained
1 can organic pinto beans, rinsed and drained
1/2 a red sweet pepper, chopped
1/2 green pepper, chopped
1/2 cup minced onion

LIME VINIAGRETTE
1/2 a lime's juice
3 T. olive oil
salt and pepper
Cilantro (optional)

Toss all salad ingredients together in a large bowl, mix them up.  Mix the dressing in a separate bowl, then add to salad.  Chill for about 2 hours in the refrigerator.


QUINOA PILAF

4 cups cooked quinoa
2 green onions, chopped
Optional: a drizzle of olive oil
Salt

Quinoa is the best.  Tasty and healthy, it has the most protein of all the grains.  For every cup of quinoa, you need 2 cups of water, just like rice.  I make mine in the rice cooker.  Chop the onion, add oil and salt to taste, stir.

 

Trip to Chicago

Recipes from the Vegan Podcast of Horror

Recipes from the WHORES Potluck of Horror, Friday, Dec. 9, 2011.  Movie was The Sinful Dwarf (1973).  Podcast is forthcoming.

VEGAN TUNA

Vegan tuna is a recipe I've covered before on this blog–it's especially good as a sandwich spread with a slice of tomato and lettuce.

Ingredients:

2 sticks organic celery

1 can of organic chickpeas, rinsed and drained

1/4 cup vegan mayonnaise

Just a touch of onion (no more than a tablespoon, minced)

2 T. sesame tahini

1/2 a lemon's juice

Salt to taste

Whirl everything in a blender or food processor until smooth.

VEGAN TACOS

True confessions: I used store-bought pico de gallo, salsa verde, and one that was a little too hot called Salsa Diablo but still very good.  Thank you, Michael's Fresh Market.

Ingredients:

Veggie meat:

3 cups Texturized Vegetable Protein, soaked overnight in equal parts water (expands to about 6 cups TVP).  TVP is brown, dry crumbles made of soy meant to resemble ground meat.  Often it is flavored with "beef" or "chicken" –quotes added as it's not really chicken or beef– I've only encountered TVP in health food and bulk stores.  TVP is great though because it has very little fat and it takes seasoning extremely well.  Once soaked, TVP is chewy and crumbly like ground beef or turkey.

One packet of taco seasoning or any blend of cumin, chili powder, garlic powder, and salt.

1/2 a large onion, minced

Directions:

Fry onion in a pan in a tablespoon of oil, add pre-soaked TVP and spices over medium heat.

More taco ingredients:

Salsa, shredded lettuce, guacamole, chopped tomato, chopped onion

CHERRY PIE WITH STREUSEL TOPPING



Don't forget the non-dairy vanilla ice cream!

More true confessions: I was having quite a week and I totally copped out and bought a store bought crust.  How unfortunate, I know.  Next time I have vowed to make the crust from scratch, though it wasn't bad, homemade is always better.  Nevertheless, if you use a store bought crust, this pie is really fast to make.

2 bags of frozen cherries, thawed and drained (5-6 cups, can also use fresh or canned)

1 pie crust

3/4 cup sugar

1 T. lemon juice

1/4 teaspoon vanilla extract

Streusel topping

1/3 cup all purpose flour

1/3 cup sugar

1/3 cup nondairy butter, chopped into small bits

dash cinnamon

Directions:

Line a pie pan with pie crust.  Spread a thin layer of non-dairy butter on the bottom and sides of crust, this helps prevent it from getting mushy.  Stir cherries, sugar, lemon, and vanilla together in a bowl.  Dump cherry mixture into pie crust.  Mix up the streusel, leaving it crumbly.  Spread streusel over cherry mixture.

Bake at 425 for half an hour, then reduce temperature and cover the pie with tented aluminum foil to prevent burning.  Cook for 30 minutes longer.  Turn off oven and allow pie to sit in the oven for 20 more minutes.

Kiki Lulz December 2011

Recipes from the Vegan Potluck of Horror

The theme was INSANITY, the movie was Karen Lam's fabulous film "Stained".  The Swedish Nutballs were the big hit of the evening, and not at all difficult to make!

TWISTED NOODLE SALAD – hot or cold noodles with rosemary

Did you know rosemary is a superfood?  It has been shown to prevent cancer and memory loss!

Salad:

6 cups cooked spiral noodles (3 cups before cooking)

1/2 cup green onion, minced

1 cup of sweet yellow, orange, or red pepper, chopped

Dressing:

2 T. Olive oil

Salt

2 T. Chopped rosemary (fresh) or 1 t. dried

Boil water in a large pot.  Drop in noodles when water boils, cook until al dente, then remove from heat and strain.  Mix noodles together with all other ingredients in a large bowl, toss well, add more salt if needed.

SWEDISH NUTBALLS – Vegan Swedish meatballs with walnuts in an almond milk gravy

1 tube of vegan sausage, I use Gimme Lean Sausage Style

4 cups reconstituted "beef flavor" TVP (about 3 cups before reconstituting)

1 cup shelled walnuts

1 medium sized onion, minced fine (I chop it and put it in the food processor) then pre-fried in 1 T. oil or vegan butter like Earth Balance

1/4 cup flaxseed meal

3-5 cups of panko or bread crumbs

1 heaping teaspoon of sugar or 2. t. maple syrup

1/2 t. cinnamon

1/2 t. allspice

1 squirt Sriacha (optional)

Salt and pepper to taste

Small pan with shallow layer of olive oil for frying

Directions for the nutballs:

Soak the TVP in enough water to cover for about an hour.  TVP will absorb all the water and expand.  Pre-fry the minced onion and toss in the walnuts during the last minute over medium heat until onions are transparent and walnuts are fragrant.  Scoop onion mixture directly into the food processor along with reconstituted TVP and blend until the mixture is thick and sticky-smooth.  Using a rubber spatula, spoon TVP/onion/walnut mixture into a large bowl with the sausage flavor Gimme Lean or other veggie sausage mix.  Mix in panko, flaxseed meal, sugar, spices, and Sriacha if using.  Mixture should be very sticky.  Roll into small balls and fry in the shallow layer of oil at medium heat until the nutballs develop a crunchy outside.

ALMOND MILK GRAVY

1 vegan boullion cube

2 cup water

2 t. cornstarch mixed with 1/4 cup water

1/2 cup almond or other non-dairy milk

1 T. soy sauce

Cook the broth cube in 2 cups of water in a pan until it melts.  Stir in the cornstarch water in the broth until mixture thickens.  Lastly, add the almond milk and soy sauce if it's not salty enough.

CHOCOLATE PUDDING MELTDOWN CAKE  - An adapted recipe from Jeanne Lemlin's book Vegetarian Pleasures, decadent molten vegan brownie cake that forms its own layer of pudding at the bottom of the cake

1 1/4 cups flour

1 3/4 cups brown sugar – divided

1/2 cup cocoa – divided

2 t. baking powder

1/4 teaspoon salt

2/3 cup nondairy milk

2 T. melted vegan butter, I used Earth Balance

1/2 t. vanilla extract

2 cups hot water

Directions:  Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  Mix together flour, 3/4 cup ONLY of the sugar, 1/4 cup (half) of the cocoa, baking powder, and salt.  Add nondairy milk, vanilla, and melted butter and mix until just blended, do not overmix.  Spoon into 8×8 pan, spreading evenly.

Combine the reserved 1 cup of brown sugar with cocoa, blending well.  Sprinkle over the brownie dough.

Now the weird part: Heat the water to near boiling and gently pour it over your dough & brown sugar cocoa.  I know this seems wrong, but DO NOT MIX, carefully place the pan in the oven.   Bake at 350 for 35 minutes.  The brownies will look like a dark brown lava landscape.  Once the brownies cool, you can spoon the pudding sauce on the top.  We had it with vegan vanilla ice cream.

 

I heart Asami

She's my life's role model.

Kiki Lulz November 2011

Corner kitty.

"Draw me like one of your French girls" --Kiki

She always loves the green bags. Not the gold one, or the browns. Has to be green.

1st ever Kimberly's Vegan Podcast of Horror Published!

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Go listen at my podcast page

My brand new podcast, Kimberly's Vegan Podcast of Horror, has arrived! I'm SO excited for you to listen to it. Keep in mind the podcast is rated Explicit so I advise not allowing kids to listen.

~Recipes from Kimberly's Vegan Potluck of Horror~

Recipes from my 1st Vegan Potluck (and forthcoming Podcast) of Horror…

Adrian, Ivan, Brad, Patricia, and I had so much fun!!

THEME: TORTURE

MOVIE: AUDITION — 2001, directed by Takashi Miike

RECIPES

Ensalata di Castrati

Salad:

10 cups organic salad greens

15-20 figs, skins on, split in half with nubby stems cut off

1 cup of walnuts, dry-toasted (see below)

Dressing:

1 tablespoon Dijon mustard

3 tablespoons balsamic vinegar

1 tablespoon vegan mayonnaise

1 cup olive oil

1/4 cup brown sugar (if using agave nectar, reduce to 1/8 cup)

salt and freshly ground pepper to taste

Mix all dressing ingredients in a saucepan over low heat or in a bowl in the microwave for 30 seconds at a time. Stir until sugar is melted and remove from heat.

Meanwhile, toast the walnuts by putting them in a dry skillet on low heat. Mix them around until they are fragrant and ready.

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Put dressing into a covered container and shake until emulsified.

Put together the figs, walnuts, and dressing right before serving. Serves 6.

ROASTED SKINNED POTATOES

6-8 potatoes, skinned and chopped to small bite-size

4 tablespoons oil

Salt

Toss together potatoes and oil and salt to taste in a Pyrex casserole dish– any long, flat, oven casserole dish with sides will do. Bake in a 425 degree oven for one hour, tossing once after 30 minutes. You can also leave the skins on, they are still very tasty and the skins do not affect baking time.

TOFU CHEESECAKE (FAIL) WITH CHOCOLATE BLOOD

I'm not going to include a recipe I got from the internet for tofu cheesecake because it didn't turn out great. Despite following the directions, my tofu cheesecake welded itself to the springform pan I borrowed from my mother. It was okay-tasting (the people that came to the potluck were quite gracious) but I would not make the particular recipe again because it was bland and reminiscent of vanilla pudding. The only good part of my sad tofu cheesecake was the chocolate blood sauce.

CHOCOLATE BLOOD SAUCE

1 cup light Karo corn syrup

2 tablespoons organic cocoa

6 drops red food coloring

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