John Janaro's Blog, page 294

Newlyweds in Italy: Angelus and a Sunday Afternoon

View of Rome from the JaniculumJune 30, 1996.

After having glimpsed Pope John Paul II the previous day, we headed for St. Peter's again, for Mass and then out into the crowded square for the Sunday Angelus, which the Pope leads from the balcony window of the papal apartments. Here's what I wrote about that event, seventeen years ago, in my travel journal:

We went out into St. Peter's Square for the Sunday Angelus. I felt almost a physical hunger to see the Pope again (at whatever distance) and to pray with him. Deeper for me than anything else in this vast encounter between the Pope and his people is the simple gesture of praying the Angelus with him. In that moment, we are together with the Successor of St. Peter in a single action -- the highest and most intimate of all actions, the action of prayer. My own prayer is profoundly confirmed when it accompanies his.

This was anything but an ordinary honeymoon. It was a time of pilgrimage and blessing. It was also a time to revisit beloved ancient and beautiful places (for the first time together), and to explore and discover new things. And of course we had a lot of fun.

We spent the afternoon walking in the city. Of course, both of us being culture nerds, this was tremendous fun. In fact, my travel diary is full of aesthetic, architectural and historical observation and analysis... but these are all things we talked about and enjoyed together. And words came after vision. Eileen and I love being together and contemplating great and beautiful things. Perhaps that sounds hokey, but its true.

The church of Santa Maria in CosmedianIt was a bright Sunday afternoon, so we got some panini (sandwiches) and walked up the Janiculum hill. From there we were able to take in one of Rome's fabulous city scapes. As anyone who has been to Rome knows, one can spend a lot of time just looking at the city from various vistas. What one sees is not just a pretty town; one sees the centuries of living, breathing history.

After this, we walked back down, across the Tiber island and into the wonderful Santa Maria in Cosmedian. We marveled together at the dark, ancient simplicity of this church, which is one of Eileen's favorites.

Don't tell a lie!The famous "bocca della verita" is on the portico outside this church. There is an old tradition of putting your hand in its mouth to prove the truth of what you say, because the "mouth of truth" was said to bite the hand of anyone who told a lie. I know I hammed it up for a photograph here, but I don't know what's become of that picture. We're still trying to find the pictures.

Another important aspect of this adventure which both of us heartily enjoyed together, of course, was food. We hunted for the trattoria popular with the natives whenever possible, or a small restaurant in some corner of an alley.

According tho my travel diary, the day ended with a "remarkable salmon pasta." And plenty of good table wine, as I remember.

Newlyweds in Italy: Remembering Our First Adventures Together

We were here... a week after our weddingJune 29, 1996.

I am reading the journal of the trip that my bride and I took seventeen years ago. I'm glad that I kept a travel journal; it revives the inner experience of places and times in a way that can only be done by the written word. Or perhaps that's just my personal bias, because I am a writer.

In any case, I think that this year we will review the journal in detail, and hopefully dig up some of the bulky old "photo albums" full of pictures.

As I have said before, Eileen and I are both "Romans" by virtue of the (different) times we each lived and studied there in our youth, and by our great excursion together at the beginning of our married life.

We spent three and a half weeks in Italy for our honeymoon back in 1996. We were able to make this trip because we didn't seek a "lovers' solitude" experience; we spent all but five nights at the homes of friends. It was a real trek, from Rome to Assisi to Florence to Ravenna to Milan to the Italian Riviera. I'm so glad we did it then, when we had the time and the energy of our youth. I'm glad that, while we were still able, we rode trains and buses, slept on floors or (worse) the infamous Italian "letto," and hauled bags that got bigger and bigger as we accumulated loot along the way! I recommend this kind of honeymoon for you young folks, especially if you are humanities buffs like us. Trust me, you will never be able to throw yourselves about with such freedom as in these early days of marriage. Soon come the babies, and then come the bad backs and the arthritis. Youth is the time to explore, to rough it, to have an adventure, especially with your spouse. Go somewhere beautiful and fascinating, full of human history and aesthetic richness. Or go on pilgrimage to the places where God's love has touched the world. You will build a foundation of common experience that will stay with you forever.

In Rome we spent a week and a half at an apartment not far from the Vatican, with a friend's mother. This lovely old woman cleared a room for us, made coffee for us every morning, and often fed us abundantly in the kitchen at night (even if we had already eaten). I have never found a restaurant that can match the culinary magic that happens in the simple Italian kitchen. Oh, my my!

We went to all our favorite spots in Rome and shared them together. We brought our newly married life to the tomb of St. Peter, and prayed a long time. We explored churches and ruins and great art. June 29th sticks in my mind because we went to St. Peter's basilica for the ceremony in which the Pope (then Blessed John Paul II) invests new Archbishops with the pallium, a woolen band worn as a sign of their particular responsibility and their communion with the Pope.

It was a beautiful ceremony, very crowded of course, so that we barely had a glimpse of the Pope. But we were so happy just to share in this beautiful event with him. Afterwards, in the midst of the crowds, we bumped into a little bishop from Malaysia and struck up a conversation with him. He was the first bishop to bless our marriage.

I wonder where he is today. We never did get his name.

Among many things, Rome is also a place of unusual meetings and unexpected changes in plans. It is a place where all the cultures of the world gather, dialogue with one another, and celebrate together the One who brings true unity to the whole human family.

Some wonderful surprises awaited us, as well as one of the singular graces that would shape our whole married and family life. I hope to share some direct excerpts from the travel journal in forthcoming blogs.

He Waits For Us; He Walks With Us

The Lord takes His time.But even He,
in this relationship with us,
has a lot of patience.
Not only do we have to have patience:
He has! He waits for us!
And He waits for us until the end of life!

Think of the good thief,
right at the end,
at the very end,
he acknowledged God.

The Lord walks with us,
but often does not reveal Himself,
as in the case
of the disciples of Emmaus.
The Lord is involved in our lives,
that's for sure!
But often we do not see.
This demands our patience.

But the Lord who walks with us,
He also has a lot of patience with us.

~Pope Francis

Rescue Me, Lord, From My Enemies

I began the day with Psalm 143. "Rescue me, Lord, from my enemies," says this prayer. "Put an end to my foes...." The Psalms often express the hope that God will destroy enemies, blot them out, make an end to them.

Its not surprising that the world appears to be dominated by ideologies and agendas that ignore God's wisdom, God's love, God's tenderness, God's peace. Followers of Jesus may be tempted to discouragement.  But difficult times call for a deeper adherence to Him. Jesus told His disciples, "In the world you face persecution. But take courage; I have conquered the world!" (John 16:33).

I take much confidence in this Psalm, because I am praying that God will give me His grace in my struggle against "my enemies," and that He will defeat them utterly; indeed that they have already been conquered in Christ. These are the "enemies" I find within myself, my own sins, bad habits, and weaknesses. My enemies are the distress and frustration that weigh upon my soul, the smallness of my faith and love and trust.

The only enemies that can truly harm me are the sins and resistance in me that hold me back from giving myself in trusting love to God, in whatever circumstances He has placed me.  And so I must hope, I must pray and struggle, I must get up off the ground again and again and rejoin the battle to conquer myself so that I might belong to Him.

Lord, listen to my prayer:
turn your ear to my appeal.
You are faithful, you are just; give answer.
Do not call your servant to judgment
for no one is just in your sight.

The enemy pursues my soul;
he has crushed my life to the ground;
he has made me dwell in darkness
like the dead, long forgotten.
Therefore my spirit fails;
my heart is numb within me.

I remember the days that are past:
I ponder all your works.
I muse on what your hand has wrought
and to you I stretch out my hands.
Like a parched land my soul thirsts for you.

Lord, make haste and answer;
for my spirit fails within me.
Do not hide your face
lest I become like those in the grave.

In the morning let me know your love
for I put my trust in you.
Make me know the way I should walk:
to you I lift up my soul.

Rescue me, Lord, from my enemies;
I have fled to you for refuge.
Teach me to do your will
for you, O Lord, are my God.
Let your good spirit guide me
in ways that are level and smooth.

For your name’s sake, Lord, save my life;
in your justice save my soul from distress.
In your mercy put an end to my foes;all those who are oppressing my soul,for I am your servant.

Who Will Forgive Me When I Fail?

I once heard our culture described as a place where "everything is permitted, and nothing is forgiven." There is much truth in that assessment. I think this is one of the reasons why so many people are anxiously trying these days to change moral norms so as to accommodate actions that humanity's moral conscience has always rejected in the past.

Deep down, people don't believe in forgiveness. They may talk about it, but in their hearts they don't really think its possible.

I can understand why people feel that way. Sometimes I feel that way myself. If I see "myself" as consisting in an autonomous project of self-definition, a project that I carry out alone, I will run into my own limitations everywhere. I will always fall short. And if I am truly alone, what can I do when I fail, other than condemn myself and suffer the condemnation of others?
When we find ourselves in this situation, we think that perhaps "society" can rescue us.

Thus we try to bend the moral norms, so that we can define our failures as success, and demand that others do the same. This can only be brought about by a refusal to look at reality, and by doing violence to ourselves and others. This violence, in turn, must be justified and redefined. We are afraid to be alone with the horror of what we have made of ourselves.

But perhaps our culture may begin to notice that redefining the standards of what it means to be human, among other things, doesn't work. We still bump into our own limitations, everywhere. We have seen that we can't follow with total coherence the meaning that is inherent to our humanity (and we're afraid to admit it). So we try to change that meaning, and to reshape society so that it supports what we think is a more attainable idea of human dignity. In the process, however, we have to establish a whole set of new rules. And, as it turns out, we're no good at keeping these rules either. We feel even less coherent, and even more alienated than ever, and we don't know where to turn.
We who claim to be "free" are in fact a society obsessed with guilt, terrified of failure, and full of self-loathing. We have succeeded in manipulating our understanding of humanity and creating our own rules. But when we look at our personal and social lives, everything is more messed up than it was before! So, we flee into addictions in a desperate effort to distract ourselves. Or we try to use will power to suppress our inner pain, to plug up all the real human anguish and longing that keeps spilling through the cracks and into our awareness. 
To put it simply: we are not happy.
We experience ourselves as failures, sooner or later. We condemn ourselves by our own rules, and we can't imagine the possibility of forgiveness because each of us feels more alone than ever with the confusion of who we are and the mess of what we have chosen to do. More alone than ever....

But what if I am not "alone"?

What if the core of my person consists in "belonging-to-Another"? What if my real life is in fact a relationship with the Source of all meaning and goodness? And what if I begin to realize that my very be-ing in this moment is the result of the fact that I am being loved by the One who is Infinite Love?

If this is true, then I am "good" and my humanity is a gift. A precious gift. I am precious to Someone. And when I fail, I can seek forgiveness. I can hope that the One who is Good will make me good. This hope is written on my heart, and I do not need to suffocate it. There is forgiveness.

Do We Have "The Master Theory"?

Yeah, man. We are RIGHT!"Christianity" or "Catholi cism "... 

In the end, is it just another "ism"? Is it just another theory, perhaps the Master Theory, but in the end nothing but a system for fixing and organizing the world? Or is it simply the case that, in the contest in which people make competing claims about the meaning of life, my group makes the right ones? In the end, everyone will see that our Party is the Party of God. We will win at last!!! Huh?

But Jesus did not come for this; He brings so much more than any "ism" that could be domesticated by human thinking or justify the self-exaltation of particular human beings or groups. Jesus did not come to bring us "the official ideology approved by God." This would not be enough for us -- for the implacable desire for the fullness of life that we each carry around inside us.

It is very easy to think of Christianity as a bunch of stuff we have to do (or not do), because God and the Church say so, but if we think this way, we will find ourselves trying to negotiate and integrate this rather burdensome collection of stuff into our lives. We need to ask ourselves, "Is this how I try to live my faith? Is this how I present it to others?"

The rest of the world often views Christianity as a collection of external rules that more or less interfere with real life, that is, with the aspect of life that interests and engages us as persons. What a grim business! No wonder people are not attracted to it.

I must beware that I do not allow this kind of moralism to become my own view of Christianity. I must remember that Christianity is a new life, a supernatural life, a life of communion with God. In Jesus, God Himself came into history, so that He might share His life with us. The life that Jesus offers us fulfills and transforms our hearts. This is what is interesting.

Through baptism, I have been given a participation in the Divine life, and through grace this life grows within me and transforms me. God gives Himself to me; He draws me into a personal relationship with Himself; He leads me to my destiny which is to share forever in His glory, to behold and to love forever the One who is the fullness of all goodness, to belong to Him forever.

Eternal glory has already begun, secretly, in the very heart of this ordinary life, because God dwells in me, and God is at work in my life. But why am I so dull and unaware? Because I need the light of the Holy Spirit to show me the path He has laid out before me. Christianity is not external to the real concerns of my life. It illuminates them and opens me up to their true meaning. But this only happens if I live the relationship with God that He continually desires to deepen throughout my life.

And how can I live and grow in a relationship with Eternal Love except by asking for Him to change me, asking for Him to empower me to love Him more, asking Him to enable me to see the Church as the instrument of His love, and her teachings as the road of love that really corresponds to my life? I want Him to "come" into my life, deepen my relationship with Him, and make me more aware of His presence. This is why I must ask, continually, for the gift of the Holy Spirit to be renewed within me. This is why my whole heart has to be a living, loving, begging prayer for God's grace.

Our Happy Anniversary

The beautiful bride, and the groom at their wedding reception
It is June 22, 1996. Here's the happy, youthful, energetic newly married couple. Well, they're a bit "mature" -- he's 33 and she's 29. Both have pursued advanced academic study and are professional teachers. But they are younger than they realize, and have yet to learn many amazing, beautiful, and difficult things in life.

A few days after the wedding, they'll go to Rome and Italy for a three and a half week honeymoon. Both of them have lived in Italy before (at different times), and they intend to revisit sites, get together with old friends, contemplate great works of art, embark on religious pilgrimages, and eat lots of good food.

Cellphones in 1996!
Did you have one?Indeed, they would do all these things and more in the coming month. Above all, they would also have a most unexpected personal encounter in Rome. (I'll write more about that later.)

After 17 years, looking at the old wedding pictures (none of which are digital) is a funny experience. Everybody looks "soooooo nineties." And sooooo young. I could scan the wedding album and tag all kinds of people and they would say, "Whoa, is that me?" But that would be more work than I'm up to now (aren't you glad?), and probably not worth the effort anyway.

When we got married, Eileen's father was only three years older than I am now. Wow!

It was almost a generation ago, and frankly it really does feel that way. I'm always musing about how strange a thing is time, but I feel the growth of those years, the many labors, the suffering, and the joys.

Today, I can't imagine life without Eileen at my side. I also can't imagine that there was ever a time when our five children did not exist. And its hard to believe there was ever a time when I had no beard, or actually even cared about the hair on my head (haha).

But there we were, newly married in 1996. Many new experiences awaited us. The deepest things were circumstances we could not possibly have dreamed. We knew enough to commit ourselves irrevocably to each other and to going through together "whatever might come."

We still don't know what's coming. Nor does any other married couple. There are challenges at every stage of a lifelong commitment. What we learn more and more, however, is how Jesus has consecrated that commitment with His love, through the sacrament of marriage. Christ crucified and risen has placed Himself at the heart of our commitment to each other, and made it a superabundant source of grace so that we might grow together in His likeness. And His presence is a guarantee that we can make it through anything, that our commitment is not based on our weakness but on His faithfulness.

One thing does not surprise me: she's still a beautiful lady. And she always will be.

The One Who Speaks....

"As generous distributors of God’s manifold grace, put your gifts at the service of one another, each in the measure he has received. The one who speaks is to deliver God’s message. The one who serves is to do it with the strength provided by God. Thus, in all of you God is to be glorified through Jesus Christ" (1 Peter 4:10-11).

 Ah, good. There is something for the word-maker to do in the Kingdom.

"Speaking" is a gift from God, a gift of grace. Into all of the insecurity and vanity, and the brilliance touched by madness, the constant tilt of a mind that rises too high, too often, and therefore lacks oxygen, the impossible urge to express what cannot be said -- into this human whirlwind comes grace.

The words we can never find are given to us. And we are charged with a work of service, indeed a work of mercy: deliver God's message!

Here we are with our words and our education; we come not as wise men but as servants. Poor, pallid, wildly creative, brain damaged, exhausted by books and ideas, spent and broken by the failure of human heights, and full of wonder at the grace that is given to us right now, we come to serve. By grace we crawl on the ground and carry the bowl for Jesus as He washes your feet.

Into the Dirt

I know "words" are not worth much. "Words" are what I do: its partially vocation and partially compulsiveness. As my kids say, "blah, blah, blah" (imitation of Daddy).

Really, words are not much. We learn more by getting our butts kicked, and that's why God allows it to happen. We go crying to Him, and it stinks, and we tell Him that it hurts. But He heals us if we trust in Him. That's the gospel.

God goes into the dirt and gets us. For me this is an ongoing, grueling, precarious, and real experience.
I have found so many other people in the same place too.

Spinning the World From My Bed

Europe? No, lets go somewhere else.Earlier this week I started to get that "I've-been-run-over-by-a-truck" feeling all over (this is a hyperbolic analogy, of course... but this is a realm where one searches desperately for analogies that will work in any way).

And so I put myself to bed. I shouldn't be writing anything. I should just rest. Writing requires too much energy. But I'm writing anyway. I'm stubborn. I've had enough of sleeping, and the mind must be engaged or else it will create its own mischief. Thanks to the internet, I can travel the world without leaving my bed.

Spin the virtual world and see what we find.

Humm, hummmm, hmmmm... States in India. This looks interesting.

Did you know that India has states?

I thought I knew everything about India: Hinduism, Islam, curry, the British, Gandhi, poor people, railroads, Mother Teresa, customer service reps on the phone, snakes, "they make more and more of our stuff these days," tea, the Taj Mahal, population of 1.1 gazillion, monsoons, Bollywood. What else is there to know?

Well, for one thing, they have "states."

Oh, and I almost forgot: Cricket! They play Cricket, the only sport on earth that I find utterly incomprehensible. I get it that you hit this ball, but why? And you run, but why? And you catch and throw, but why? And what exactly are the "wickets" and what is their purpose? And the score ends up being 250-193, and I can't imagine how you score anything at all! What is going on??? But I digress....

My Indian friends know that I'm teasing. Right? Right? Not about Cricket; I don't understand it at all. But I know much more about India and its cultures, and its historic greatness. Still, what I know is mostly through study, conversations with others, and of course media. I appreciate these things, especially when I reflect upon them. But they have not sunk deeply into my imagination. I've never been anywhere near India. I have no experience of India.

So if I just "shake" my subconscious and watch what comes up, the images tend to be things like the Taj Mahal and elephants and mangoes and big dance numbers on screen. But one way to gain some development of imagination is through comparing and contrasting.

So lets look at this. India has states. But they're not like the United States. They're the size of whole countries, in terms of population. Lets look at one Indian state, the most southern one. Its called Tamil Nadu.

Let me focus on just a few things. The Tamil are a very distinctive ethnic group, with their own language and their own script. I kinda knew that already. But there are 70 million of them in the state of Tamil Nadu. That I did not know.

Tamil Nadu is close to the population of Germany.

Tamil Nadu has a higher population than France.

Higher than Italy.

Higher than Spain.

Higher than Great Britain.

Here are 70 million people in the world, members of the human race, my brothers and sisters, each made in the image and likeness of God, and I didn't even know of their existence. Now I do.

And here's another contrast: France is five times the size in land area as Tamil Nadu. France is about the size of Texas. (Maybe further comparison and contrast can enrich my understanding.) So that means that Tamil Nadu is one fifth the size of Texas. Lets get closer to home: this is about 50,000 square miles, which is roughly the same size as the states of Virginia and Maryland together. "We" (I speak as a Virginian) have a combined population of more than 14 million.

Tamil Nadu is geographically about the size of Virginia and Maryland (our fair land, with 14 million people all together).

Tamil Nadu has over 70 million people. People! Human beings. My brothers and sisters. I am grateful that I have come to know you, even from a distance.

Let me be clear: when I look at these numbers, I am not thinking about so-called "over"-population. Human beings are not "problems;" they are creative and intelligent persons. Give them the chance, and they will find beautiful solutions to the material challenges of living together and living well on a larger scale.

Poverty is not caused by too many people. Poverty is caused by too many greedy people. But that's another topic, and now I am sitting up. I do need to rest. Although the pains of one little man don't seem so important in a world so great and so mysterious, so burdened and so hopeful in the face of everything.