Jack Barr's Blog, page 3

Fighting Like A Little Monster.

Hello Friends, Readers, and New Visitors,

Last night I was putting Marley to bed and she was fighting like a monster to stay awake. While I was wrangling her, she jabbed her finger in my eye. It really hurt and I suddenly wanted to throw her across the room. Instead of going to jail for launching my child against the wall, I gritted my teeth and started counting backwards silently. This enabled me to relax and I was finally able to get her in bed. Once I laid her down, I started to think about her determination to stay awake. I was mad because Marley was actually fighting against something that would benefit her. I wanted to wake her back up and say, “Fine, you win, lets stay up all night and see how you feel tomorrow.”

Of course I knew she could not understand this reasoning and it would be worse for Jana the next day, and she would be furious with me, (better to keep the wife happy). While I was debating this in my head it brought me back to my relationship with God. I began thinking about how much I fight God when I do not get what I want. I started to imagine God looking down on me and saying “See, you are the same way, you fight something I have for you until you have no energy left to fight. Then once you accept things, you realize that it was the best thing for you all along.”

I felt very convicted at that moment because I am sure God wants to throw me across the room sometimes when I am fighting, but he patently keeps working until I accept the plan he has for my life.

Our first Christmas with Marley we met our speech therapist in Charleston, SC. At the meeting the therapist asked me if we were going to have any more children. I told her that we did not know and she made a comment that has stuck with me the past few years.

She said, “When you decide to have more children, then I will know that you have accepted Marley for who she is and whom she will become.” When she first said that, it made me mad, but now I am starting to understand the importance of that insight. As a competitive father, I have only wanted to push Marley to be “normal” since I accepted her condition. This is an unhealthy way to live a life regardless of the limitations of our children. I need to accept Marley for who she is, and understand her value to God and the world. Is this an excuse to not push Marley, not at all, but when Marley fails just like any other child, then I need to love her for who she is and not for what I want her to be. “It was not because of his sins or his parents’ sins,” Jesus answered. “This happened so the power of God could be seen in him.



All of this is based on trusting God and his plan for our lives. I know I have a serious problem with a lack of faith in my creator’s plan.  I constantly fight against God, I dislike rejection, I struggle accepting my child’s faults, and I want my daughter to be accepted; but all of these things are a lack of faith.  Take time this month to look at Job.  I always enjoyed God’s response to Job until some of my own struggles caused me to question God’s plan.

Then the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm. He said: 2 “Who is this that obscures my plans with words without knowledge? 3 Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me.4 “Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation? Tell me, if you understand. 5 Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched a measuring line across it? 6 On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone—7 while the morning stars sang together and all the angels [a] shouted for joy?

Very few people have suffered like Job.  I think instead of blaming God for me not getting my way, I should step back and see the blessings in my life.  We know God loves us and cares for us more than anything on this earth.  We need to trust him during the sunshine and storm.  What kind of faith do I have if I can only praise God during the joyous times?

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Jack Barr, Author and Dad

Failing at Fatherhood: A book for the imperfect father

Fighting Like A Monster

Last night I was putting Marley to bed and she was fighting like a monster to stay awake.  While I was wrangling her, she jabbed her finger in my eye. It really hurt and I suddenly wanted to throw her across the room. Instead of going to jail for launching my child against the wall, I gritted my teeth and started counting backwards silently.  This enabled me to relax and I was finally able to get her in bed.  Once I laid her down, I started to think about her determination to stay awake.  I was mad because Marley was actually fighting against something that would benefit her.  I wanted to wake her back up and say, “Fine, you win, lets stay up all night and see how you feel tomorrow.”  Of course I knew she could not understand this reasoning and it would be worse for Jana the next day, and she would be furious with me (better to keep the wife happy).  While I was debating this in my head it brought me back to my relationship with God.  I began thinking about how much I fight God when I do not get what I want.  I started to imagine God looking down on me and saying “See, you are the same way, you fight something I have for you until you have no energy left to fight.  Then once you accept things, you realize that it was the best thing for you all along.”  I felt very convicted at that moment because I am sure God wants to throw me across the room sometimes when I am fighting, but he patiently keeps working until I accept the plan he has for my life.

Our first Christmas with Marley we met our speech therapist in Charleston, SC.  At the meeting the therapist asked me if we were going to have any more children.  I told her that we did not know and she made a comment that has stuck with me the past few years.  She said, “When you decide to have more children, then I will know that you have accepted Marley for who she is and whom she will become.”  When she first said that, it made me mad, but now I am starting to understand the importance of that insight.  As a competitive father, I have only wanted to push Marley to be “normal” since I accepted her condition.  This is an unhealthy way to live a life regardless of the limitations of our children.  I need to accept Marley for who she is and understand her value to God and the world.  Is this an excuse to not push Marley, not at all, but when Marley fails just like any other child, then I need to love her for who she is and not for what I want her to be.  "It was not because of his sins or his parents' sins," Jesus answered. "This happened so the power of God could be seen in him".

            All of this is based on trusting God and his plan for our lives. I know I have a serious problem with a lack of faith in my creator’s plan.  I constantly fight against God, I dislike rejection, I struggle accepting my child’s faults, and I want my daughter to be accepted; but all of these things are a lack of faith.  Take some time to look at Job.  I always enjoyed God’s response to Job until some of my own struggles caused me to question God’s plan.  

Then the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm. He said: 2 “Who is this that obscures my plans with words without knowledge? 3 Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me. 4 “Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation? Tell me, if you understand. 5 Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched a measuring line across it? 6 On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone 7 while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy?

            Very few people have suffered like Job.  I think instead of blaming God for me not getting my way, I should step back and see the blessings in my life.  We know God loves us and cares for us more than anything on this earth.  We need to trust him during the sunshine and storm.  What kind of faith do I have if I can only praise God during the joyous times?

A Personal Guest Writer Interview By Andi Cumbo-Floyd At AndiLit.

Hello and Welcome Readers,

Hello and welcome to my new Book Blog! December was a pretty busy month for my book and myself. So I thought I would start the New Year off with sharing a wonderful ‘Guest Author Interview’ by Andi Cumbo-Floyd that was done and shared on her fantastic and helpful website here:

 

She is a writer, editor, and author herself, and she enjoys learning through interviewing other authors about their books and writing process. She was kind enough to do a wonderful interview about my book.

Here first is a little about Andi Cumbo-Floyd, and what she does to help other authors and writers.

About Andi Cumbo-Floyd:

I’m a writer, a teacher, an editor, and a reader.  Sometimes more of one of those than the other.

Recently, I published a book called . The book tells the stories of the people who were enslaved on the plantation where I was raised and shares my journey of getting to know them.  I self-published the book, a decision a vacillate between loving and loathing, depending on the moment and the predominance of solar flares.

I write mainly creative nonfiction and sometimes get something published. Most often I just get rejection letters that I dutifully file because some day I’ll be able to make my own recycled paper house from crushed up and hardened rejection slips. Additionally, I teach writing and edit manuscripts for other writers. I hold an MFA in Creative Writing and an MA in Literature, and I’ve taught at several colleges and universities all around the country including George Mason University, Cecil College, Stevenson University, Santa Clara University, and Solano College. For more about Andi, please visit here website  www.andilit.com . . .

Especially if you’re a writer.

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My Interview About ‘Failing At Fatherhood, A book for the imperfect father’

Write to Serve Others – A Writers Write Interview with Jack Barr

When a friend writes me and says, Would you interview my friend? I do everything I can to say yes.  So this interview is a result of that request from my college friend Manny.  If you have ever struggled with the path your life has taken, if you love someone who has Down Syndrome, if you doubt the reasons you life has come the way it has, I think you’ll appreciate the words of Jack Barr.

1. Tell me about your latest project.

I have recently written my first book, Failing at Fatherhood.  It was released this past November.  A publisher contacted me about two years ago after he read my article about our family on CNN.  He encouraged me to write a book and share my story with a broader community. That led me to writing Failing at Fatherhood.

2. What role, if any, did books, writing, and reading play in your childhood?

I was not an avid reader growing up.  My parents encouraged me to read, but I was more interested in outside activities.  After I became a Christian in college, reading became more important to me.  One author that encouraged me in my journey was Tony Campolo.  His book, Carpe Diem, opened my eyes to our calling as Christians and the needs of others

around us.

3. What is your writing practice, your writing routine?

Since I have finished my book, I occasionally blog.  Usually I blog when something in the news or my life strikes me as an interesting story to share with others.  Recently I wrote about Brittany Maynard and Lauren Hill.  I shared my own thoughts about their stories and my personal experience of watching my father die of cancer when I was eighteen years old.

4. Who are you reading now?

I have three authors that I follow on a regular basis: Michael Connelly, John Grisham, & Ken Follett.  I enjoy “getting lost” in their stories and taking a break from my other responsibilities.  I also read various Christian authors when I find a topic interesting to me.  Right now I am working through a devotional book entitled, Conversations, by Brian Rice.

5. What are three of your all-time favorite books? Why do you love those?

Tony Campolo – Carpe Diem – It was the first Christian book I read that embraced difficult questions about Christian beliefs.  Tony gives you honest insight into what it means to be a Christian and follow that calling.

John Grisham – A Time to Kill – I grew up in the South, so many issues in this book I saw in my own community.  This is the first book I read by Grisham, and I have been reading his books ever since.  The book gives us a true glimpse into racism and makes us question our beliefs about justified murders.

Mitch Albom – Tuesdays with Morrie – This book prompted me to become a teacher and the purpose of my life.  The topics discussed in this memoir should be topics discussed between every pupil and teacher.

6. How do you balance “building a writing platform” and the actual writing to set on that platform?

I didn’t really follow a traditional writing process.  I just wrote my story. It was easy for me to write because it was a story I wanted to share.  After battling depression for a year, I knew I wanted to help other fathers.  The publisher contacted me before the book, so I was writing with the idea that my book would be published. Since writing the book, I have learned that promoting a book might be the hardest aspect of being an author.

7. What is a typical day like for you?

First we live in Bangkok, and I am a teacher at an international school.  I start each day at 7am at teacher devotions.  From 7am till 3pm, I am teaching or overseeing the athletic program at our school.  Usually from 3pm till 5pm, I am coaching a sports team after school.  At 5pm, I journey home to spend time with my wife and daughter.  My daughter goes to bed around 8pm, and I read for an hour before going to bed around 9pm.

8. Describe your dream writing space?

Somewhere quiet.  Does not really matter the location.  As long as my three-year-old daughter is not running around my feet, then it will work for me.

9. What is the hardest writing critique you ever received? How did you respond?

That was probably some of the comments from readers about my CNN article. I wrote about my journey in raising a daughter with Down syndrome.  I never realized that people could be extremely mean and hurtful.  I am not a traditional writer so when people critique my writing, I accept that with a willingness to improve.  But when people attack my beliefs, personal choices, and my own daughter for being different, I realized that the world could be a hurtful place.  How did I respond?  I cried.

10. What is the best wisdom you have to share with other writers?

Write about what you care about.  I never wrote to be famous or to earn income.  I wrote because I cared about the topic and my future readers.  If you write to serve others, then you will always be happy with the finished product.

Jack and Jana Barr are missionaries in Bangkok, Thailand. Three years ago, Jack and Jana did not know God would use their daughter Marley, to forever alter their life plan.  Marley was born with Down syndrome and that event sent Jack crashing into a sea of depression. They started, If They Had A Voice, an awareness campaign that focuses on Down syndrome abortions.   Jack also wrote his first book, Failing at Fatherhood. . .

I want to Thank Andi for this in-depth interview she kindly did and shared on here website. I hope those of you who read this interview have a little more insight about my book, and my writing process. As this being my first book, I’ve had many doors open to share my book and message about Down Syndrome. I was also honored in December with a Silver Adult Book Award by The Mom’s Choice Awards, and also a live interview on Blog Talk Radio about my book as well.  So yes December was a busy month for me.

I thank you all who have come to visit, and have followed my new blog. I and my  family appreciate the support!

I hope you will support us by purchasing your copy of my book today on Amazon Books here: http://www.amazon.com/Failing-Fatherhood-book-imperfect-father/dp/1940145309/

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Failing at Fatherhood: A book for the imperfect father

About My Book:

Winner Mom’s Choice Award

“Why do I fear her so much? Marley is my own flesh and blood, yet I lie here silently as a new father wondering if I will be here in the morning.”

When Jack Barr and his wife, Jana, had their first child, they were overcome with joy and excitement. Three days later, as they prepared to leave the hospital, two doctors entered their room debating whether newborn baby Marley, had Down syndrome. Mixed in with the confusion of whether or not their daughter was chromosomally different, Jack and Jana knew their lives would be changed forever.

Failing at Fatherhood embraces Jack’s honest struggles as a father, after receiving his child’s diagnosis of Down syndrome three weeks after her birth. He excavates the past, examines the present, and explores his future life in a sincere attempt to understand his personal failures as a father during his first year of parenthood. Throughout the book, Jack wrestles with the decision of divorce, suicide, and the existence of God. However, with His ultimate direction, Jack is able to understand the significance of fathers being committed to their children.

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My Book Is Now A Mom’s Choice Silver Award Winner.

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May God Bless You,

Jack Barr, Author

 

 

 

 

Tagged: Amazon Books, Andi Cumbo-Floyd, AndiLit.com, Author Interview, Editor, Failing At Fatherhood, Jack Barr Author, Mom's Choice Award, My Book, Writer

Hello & Welcome to my New Book Blog for “Failing At Fatherhood, A book for the Imperfect Father’.

Hello and Welcome Friends, Readers, and New Visitors

What is this blog all about?

I will share my story, my new book, interact, and engage with you about Down Syndrome. With now 6,000 babies diagnosed each year in the US, raising awareness & sharing hope to other parents is one of my life missions. Now I have started a personal blog to share how my book is helping others, giving kids a voice, and most importantly engaging with many who share the same experiences with their children. I hope to connect with other bloggers and parents by sharing their stories, as I share my story.  Also this is a place to share about me my new book titled, ‘Failing At Fatherhood’, A book for the Imperfect Father. . . Available on Amazon 

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Now I would like to introduce the big reason behind my book. Please meet my daughter, Marley Barr, who is my sweet vibrant little girl. My book is about my first reaction to the news about her diagnosis. Even with faith, I was not prepared to hear that my daughter would be different.

Here is a little more about my book and my family…

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About Family Life:

Jack and Jana Barr are missionaries in Bangkok, Thailand.  Before their first date, they both knew God was calling them to serve overseas.  After completing their undergraduate degrees at Johnson University, and their graduate degrees (Jack M.Ed. Regent University, M.Sc. Canisius College/ Jana M.A. Lee University) they flew to Bangkok for the first time.  For the past nine years they have served God by teaching at the International Community School in Bangkok, Thailand.

“Jana and I wanted to be self-supportive and earning our graduate degrees provided us with that opportunity.  But beyond that, the graduate degrees we earned prepared us to teach and live cross culturally.  Our college courses forced us to step outside our comfortable environment of teaching first language learners and embrace second language teaching.  Most importantly, our professors prepared us for a chaotic life of change that accompanies living overseas.”

Our story has been featured on CNN, CNN Mexico, Life Action News, and The Insight Channel. I also wrote my first published book, Failing at Fatherhood, which has won a Silver Award by The Mom’s Choice Awards for adult book, and has been endorsed by Bob Russell, S.A. Bodeen, and Woodroll Kroll.  Jack & Jana had a simple plan for their future, but God has forced them to trust in HIS plan.

About My New Book:

“Why do I fear her so much? Marley is my own flesh and blood, yet I lie here silently as a new father wondering if I will be here in the morning.” When Jack Barr and his wife, Jana, had their first child, they were overcome with joy and excitement. Three days later, as they prepared to leave the hospital, two doctors entered their room debating whether newborn baby Marley, had Down syndrome. Mixed in with the confusion of whether or not their daughter was chromosomally different, Jack and Jana knew their lives would be changed forever.

Failing at Fatherhood embraces Jack’s honest struggles as a father, after receiving his child’s diagnosis of Down syndrome three weeks after her birth. He excavates the past, examines the present, and explores his future life in a sincere attempt to understand his personal failures as a father during his first year of parenthood. Throughout the book, Jack wrestles with the decision of divorce, suicide, and the existence of God. However, with His ultimate direction, Jack is able to understand the significance of fathers being committed to their children.

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In closing I would like to share our most recent newsletter and current campaign. We started the “If They Had A Voice” awareness campaign which is dedicated to unborn children diagnosed with Down Syndrome. You can view the initial video here http://www.iftheyhadavoice.org/ …

News Letter:

Jack, Marley, Martha, & Mary

(December 2014)

Last week during lunch, Jana and I were discussing our holiday travel plans.  The conversation was centered on cost, travel schedule, and the overall inconvenience of bouncing around the US during Christmas.  About halfway through the conversation Marley said, “plane, plane, me, me.”  Jana told Marley that “yes”; we were flying on a plane in the next few weeks to visit family for Christmas.

The remainder of the day involved Marley reminding us that she was going to be flying on a plane and we were going home for Christmas.

For the past week, every time Marley has seen a plane in the sky she has started yelling “plane, plane, me, me”. Regardless of what she is doing, she stops and her excitement spills over at the thought of flying home for Christmas. Of course every time she yells “plane”, I think about BKK to SFO to LAS to DFW to OKC to CLT to GSO to EWR to SFO to BKK in three weeks. (Amazing how these acronyms are a constant in my life now) But, Marley does not care about the cost, travel, or the headache of sleeping in various houses. She only cares about flying home to see Pappy, Grammy, Ma Ma, Ray Ray, RF, and numerous other people she loves. Last week as I was sharing at church about the Christmas story, I realized I was already embracing the Christmas holidays with a Martha approach.

38 As Jesus and the disciples continued on their way to Jerusalem, they came to a certain village where a woman named Martha welcomed him into her home. 39 Her sister, Mary, sat at the Lord’s feet, listening to what he taught. 40 But Martha was distracted by the big dinner she was preparing. She came to Jesus and said, “Lord, doesn’t it seem unfair to you that my sister just sits here while I do all the work? Tell her to come and help me.” 41 But the Lord said to her, “My dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details! 42 There is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her.”

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Things have to get done. There are always certain details in life that must be prepared before something can be accomplished. I do not believe Jesus is telling us to completely ignore those preparations. The main point I see Him making is to take time for what is important. Every year during the holidays, I become obsessed with my “to do” list. Is everything in place, is the schedule set, do we have enough money, which parties are we attending, and we must remember to read the Christmas story on Christmas Eve. Even the religious rituals I honor at Christmas are more about attending the event, instead of focusing on the one thing worth our attention.

We love living in Bangkok, but there is always something special about spending the holidays in the States with family. This Christmas break I am going to try to take the Marley approach. Instead of worrying about the holiday schedule, cost, or headaches, I am going to focus on spending time with my family, loving my wife and child, and truly taking time to reflect on the birth of Christ.

When flights are delayed, schedules are thrown off, and we spend too much money; I am going to stop and enjoy the moment.  Life will always move forward with needed preparations, but for this season in my life, I am going to peacefully sit at the feet of Jesus and listen to Him. . .

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Silver Award Adult Book ~ Mom’s Choice Award Winner for Failing At Fatherhood.

I hope you have enjoyed visiting our new blog and consider purchasing a copy of my new book through one of these outlets. Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Kobo, and Apple ibook.

Author Bio: http://about.me/jack_barr Come connect with us on Twitter @jackjanamarley Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/JackBarrAuthor.FailingFatherhood/ GoodReads: http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/8843797.Jack_Barr

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Tagged: Bloglovin, Book Failing At Fatherhood, Down Syndrome, Family, Jack Barr Author, Jana, Marley, My Book Is Mom's Choice Award Winner, Raising Awarness Through My Book, Welcome To My New Book & Author Blog

Jack, Marley, Martha, & Mary

Last week during lunch, Jana and I were discussing our holiday travel plans.  The conversation was centered on cost, travel schedule, and the overall inconvenience of bouncing around the US during Christmas.  About halfway through the conversation Marley said, “plane, plane, me, me”.  Jana told Marley that “yes”; we were flying on a plane in the next few weeks to visit family for Christmas.  The remainder of the day involved Marley reminding us that she was going to be flying on a plane and we were going home for Christmas.

For the past week, every time Marley has seen a plane in the sky she has started yelling “plane, plane, me, me”.  Regardless of what she is doing, she stops and her excitement spills over at the thought of flying home for Christmas.  Of course every time she yells “plane”, I think about BKK to SFO to LAS to DFW to OKC to CLT to GSO to EWR to SFO to BKK in three weeks.  (Amazing how these acronyms are a constant in my life now) But, Marley does not care about the cost, travel, or the headache of sleeping in various houses.  She only cares about flying home to see Pappy, Grammy, Ma Ma, Ray Ray, RF, and numerous other people she loves.  Last week as I was sharing at church about the Christmas story, I realized I was already embracing the Christmas holidays with a Martha approach.

38  As Jesus and the disciples continued on their way to Jerusalem, they came to a certain village where a woman named Martha welcomed him into her home. 39 Her sister, Mary, sat at the Lord’s feet, listening to what he taught. 40 But Martha was distracted by the big dinner she was preparing. She came to Jesus and said, “Lord, doesn’t it seem unfair to you that my sister just sits here while I do all the work? Tell her to come and help me.” 41 But the Lord said to her, “My dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details! 42 There is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her.”

Things have to get done.  There are always certain details in life that must be prepared before something can be accomplished.  I do not believe Jesus is telling us to completely ignore those preparations.  The main point I see Him making is to take time for what is important.  Every year during the holidays, I become obsessed with my “to do” list.  Is everything in place, is the schedule set, do we have enough money, which parties are we attending, and we must remember to read the Christmas story on Christmas Eve.  Even the religious rituals I honor at Christmas are more about attending the event, instead of focusing on the one thing worth our attention.

We love living in Bangkok, but there is always something special about spending the holidays in the States with family.  This Christmas break I am going to try and take the Marley approach.  Instead of worrying about the holiday schedule, cost, or headaches, I am going to focus on spending time with my family, loving my wife and child, and truly taking time to reflect on the birth of Christ.  When flights are delayed, schedules are thrown off, and we spend too much money; I am going to stop and enjoy the moment.  Life will always move forward with needed preparations, but for this season in my life, I am going to peacefully sit at the feet of Jesus and listen to Him.

Prayer – Please pray for travel and willingness to enjoy the holidays with family and friends.

When we believe death is a loss

Please Read These Two Articles Before Proceeding

Brittany Maynard

http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation-now/2014/11/02/brittany-maynard-/18390069/

Lauren Hill

http://espn.go.com/espnw/news-commentary/article/11811314/an-unforgettable-sunday-afternoon-lauren-hill

            I do not have cancer.  Therefore, I will not claim to have some valuable insight into making choices when a person is diagnosed with a terminal illness.  I cannot comprehend the agony a person must feel when he or she sits at a doctor’s office receiving the horrific news.  So, the focus of this entry is not to judge or belittle the above decisions, but instead, offer personal insight as a family survivor.  Because, even though I am not terminally ill, I did witness a cancerous brain tumor steal my father’s life in a way that no person should ever go through.  But, witnessing his battle and death, was the ultimate event that saved me.

(Excerpt From Failing at Fatherhood)

            By my senior year I was throwing in the mid-eighties, but my dad would still catch me with nothing on but a glove. We would throw for hours in the yard as he would squat and be my critical catcher. This might not seem like a great feat, but he was already over fifty years of age by my senior year of high school. He was the most honest catcher I have ever worked with, but I could not be honest with him on that last day of catch.

            I could tell something was off from the beginning. I still believe the only reason he wanted to play catch was to prove to me he could overcome cancer. I started by softly tossing the ball and he quickly became angry. “Stop babying it,” he would say. After a few more minutes, I started letting the ball go, and the first true fastball I threw whistled by his ear and hit the car. He wanted to keep going. I was on the verge of tears, but I was taught that when your dad tells you to do something, you do it. He told me to throw a curve ball so he could see how my breaking stuff looked. When I threw the ball, it short-hopped him and hit him in the face. He put his glove down and looked up at me with his swollen eye. The pain I saw in his face was not a physical hurt, but the fear of a man that had been defeated. I knew at that moment that things would never be the same and I was losing my father. After that event, we talked very little, and he slowly lost a battle that I always thought he would win.

            I don’t know. During that time in my father’s life, I would have welcomed a right to death law.  The pain and suffering I watched my father endure sent me into a sea of depression.  He was my hero.  I wanted to be just like him, but in less than a year’s time, he went from receiving a cancer diagnosis to being non-existent.  A man that had beaten me in a 40-yard sprint during my sophomore year in high school, became a man that could not even control his own bowel movements.  My father digressed to an eighty-pound being that could not walk, talk, or care for himself.  Who would choose to die in that way?

            But knowing him, even if the opportunity presented itself, he would not have agreed to that choice.  Why, because he was a religious man.  He believed in a God and an afterlife.  Maybe it would be classified as a zealous belief, but that was his belief.  When our family faced a crisis, he was praying about it.  I am not like that.  I live in fear.  I cannot completely trust God with my life.  Honestly, even though it is against my beliefs, I would lean more towards Brittany’s approach. As she stated, “She wanted to choose how she died.”  I would like to choose how I die, because I could go out on my own terms. But our Christian faith is adamant that our life is not our own.  That is the ultimate question.  Who does your life belong to, you or God?

            A few years ago, I was speaking at a high school retreat and I shared an idea that startled most of the audience.  I simply stated that I believed my father’s death led to my acceptance and belief in God.  Furthermore, if my father’s death was necessary for my conversion, then I was at peace with it. 

Acts  20:24  / But my life is worth nothing to me unless I use it for finishing the work assigned me by the Lord Jesus- the work of telling others the Good News about the wonderful grace of God

            This is what my father did, but he did it through death.  When my father died, I was a lost eighteen-year-old boy that only cared about himself.  When my father was diagnosed with cancer, it forced me to embrace my existence and the existence of God.

(Excerpt From Failing at Fatherhood)

            The next few weeks I watched my father die and helped my mother the best I could with preparing for that final day. Late one night, as I was smoking a joint in my car, I started thinking about what would happen to my father once he died. For my entire life, he had dragged me to church to worship this being that promised an afterlife. So I played the part and followed along with the other kids in going to Sunday school, being in Christmas pageants, and pretending to pay attention during long sermons. Suddenly I understood that in a few days my father’s “faith” would either be justified through eternity, or would become a worthless dedication to a non-existent being. My chest became very heavy at that moment and all at once, I could not breathe, it was my first panic attack. This question of God’s existence, one that meant less to me than thoughts about my next meal prior to this moment was a frightening dilemma I needed to solve. My father’s life was ending, but his eternal life would be determined in a few days when he took his final breath. Gasping for air, I swung open the car door and realized that I needed to confront the fear and find an answer before I became like my father.

            How can you understand that your life is not your own without a faith in God?  In fact, many of you are probably like me, and claim to be a Christian, but continue to live a life trying to control your own fate.  I am saddened by both of these stories.  These young vibrant ladies still had entire lives in front of them.  It disturbs me to think about the losses they will never experience and the families they are leaving behind. My father never saw me get married, graduate from college, or have children. He was not able to be present when I needed guidance as a father.  Is that fair?  Of course not.  Is it God’s fault?  I can’t answer that for you.  You must decide what you are going to believe.  The only thing I can tell you for certain is that watching my father lose a battle with cancer saved my life and more importantly my soul.  If we truly believe that the purpose of our lives is to bring people closer to God, then we need to prepare to embrace whatever that plan might be.  I still struggle and doubt every day of my life.  But now, I believe in a God of love, and His ultimate love is eternal, not earthly.  As Christians, we must understand that the security in our eternal God will always triumph our circumstances, no matter how difficult those times may be.

Please pray for comfort for both of these families.

 

 

Sneak Peek at Failing at Fatherhood

C h a p t e r 1

Welcome Marley

I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord. (1 Samuel 1:27-28 NIV)

March 20, 2011—right now I am sitting here, wondering what the remainder of my life will entail. My life has been completely transformed in the past twenty-four hours, and I have experienced things that every husband should be prepared to face with his wife. My wife told me I should prepare by reading the books she had bought, but who wants to read books written by doctors? We have been married for nine years and have faced many difficult situations together, so I knew I would be prepared for this next step in our life. Unfortunately, as I sit here the day after our daughter’s birth, I am still overcome with fear, concern, and anxiety. Every ten minutes I walk down to the nursery to see if our daughter is still breathing or not. I watch my wife try to recover from labor by eating broth for her main meal. And, I am still shocked how inadequately I performed as a husband in my wife’s greatest time of need.

The miracle of birth and the heart-wrenching fear of labor were unlike anything I have experienced in my life. Watching the misery of my wife trying to dislodge this creature from her womb was a horrific event for me. “Helplessness” is the only word I can think to describe my uselessness yesterday. While I watched my beautiful wife who I had brought to the other side of the world grimace in pain, the only thought circulating in my mind was, “She is going to die.” No husband wants to phone his in-laws from across the world and explain that their daughter had died while trying to give birth to their first grandchild. For eighteen hours my wife suffered through labor with no assistance from painkillers, the medical staff, or me. The doctor visited us every few hours in the natural birth room saying that everything looked good and for us to just hang in there.

Listen you **** of a *****, things are not fine! My wife is in incredible pain and you think everything is fine? How about you do your job and help my wife get this creature out of her? She is throwing up, sprawled out motionless on the floor, and pleading for help, and all you can offer is ‘hang in there?’*

Of course, none of this was said because a good Christian man should not speak with this tone, but distressing moments can lead to some bitter thoughts. Watching your spouse suffer with no possible remedy can drive a man to madness. This leads to a desperate feeling of failure as a caretaker. How inadequate I felt while watching my wife suffer from unbelievable pain and neither the doctor nor I could do anything to relive her agony. Suddenly the contractions were disrupting Marley’s heart rate. This caused immediate distress and concern in the medical staff at the hospital. Marley’s heartbeat would hover around one hundred and forty beats a minute, but when Jana would have a contraction, Marley’s heart rate would drop below seventy. The doctor told us to prepare for an immediate C-section and the nurse wheeled Jana away to an operating room. Another nurse led me to a changing room and I was dressed up with scrubs and a hat. My wife was suddenly taken away from me and there I sat in a room wearing a ridiculous costume. After about twenty minutes the nurse came for me. She walked me into a room that only reminded me of those horror films where people become dismembered.

Jana was lying on the table with a sheet separating her head from the remainder of her body. The nurse directed me to a chair beside Jana’s head so I could talk to her during the process. Jana looked up at me and I could see the fear of life in her beautiful blue eyes. Immediately, I heard my father’s voice echoing in my mind: “Time to be a man. Your wife needs you and this is the time to forget about your own ridiculous fears and support your life companion. If you can’t be a man now for your wife then you will never amount to anything in this world.” Instantly, I took a deep breath and said, “Well, this looks like fun.” She smiled at me and said, “We’ll see.”

As the process began, I could tell the sedative was starting to take away Jana’s sense of awareness. Every few seconds she would ask me if we were almost finished. I kept assuring her that the doctors were almost finished as I gently held her hand. The entire event took about thirty minutes and I said very little to her during the C-section operation. Comforting her did not involve many words, but instead a willingness to hold her hand and reassure her that everything was ok. Oftentimes in life, we say too much when comforting others instead of listening, and this was a time Jana desired a companion and not a lecture. She didn’t need me fixing things with my words, but instead she needed me to be present experiencing the journey with her. Being beside her and holding her hand was the commitment she needed to feel safe and secure. Ten years earlier as we pledged our vows for life during an outdoor autumn wedding, I was simply thinking about the upcoming honeymoon night. But I am sure Jana was envisioning moments like this in which I would be there holding her hand as our first child entered the world. Funny how often men and women vary in thought process! Missing that moment for my wife would have been unacceptable in my role as a husband. Of course, you cannot always be there when the love of your life needs you, but when you can, make sure you are. Nothing should hinder our role as being fearless protectors when our wives are in their greatest times of despair.

The Carnage

Do you ever pass a car accident and know that it's best not to look, but you somehow cannot help your natural inclination to see the carnage? Well, I looked over the curtain about halfway through the C-Section procedure to see what was happening “down there” with the doctors. “Great Scott!”- to quote our fabulous character Doctor Emmett Brown - were the only words I could summon to describe what I saw on that operating table. Certainly there are things w e should never see unless we are medical doctors. The destruction of flesh I watched transpire over the head divider would make the strongest men flinch. It reminded me of a toddler eating pasta with spaghetti sauce. The entire lower part of Jana’s body had been turned over to two children with forks pulling and pushing through her organs like they were eating their first bowl of spaghetti. Even now when I watch monster Marley tear through some scrumptious pasta, I have to suppress images of the doctors that night cutting into Jana’s womb to retrieve our first child. While blood and organs were being thrown around like ziti shells, the nauseating sound of suction would happen every few seconds while a nurse would “clear out” an area so the doctors could see. The climatic moment that brought me back to reality was when the two doctors were pulling on Jana’s abdominal cage, with all of their might. I quickly realized that it was time for me to return to my spot of comforting Jana on the other side of the curtain. The picture of watching two doctors play tug of war with Jana’s internal organs was enough medical interning for me. Holding Jana’s hand and reassuring her that everything was going to be ok seemed like a great job at the moment compared to the other side of that curtain. But then I heard a cry.

Joining the Club

Seeing your child for the first time is the purest form of love that you can ever experience as a father. Watching this bloody mess emerge from my wife’s womb was astonishing. We were taught about it in school, watched simulations of it on TV, and read about it in books, but when that moment of life materializes in front of your own eyes, describing the event is virtually impossible. Marley was just a figment of my imagination until the moment she left Jana’ s womb and embraced the world. Or course, I would feel her kick in Jana’s womb and watched the misery of pregnancy caused by her for the past nine months, but for me the reality of Marley’s existence did not happen until I heard that fierce cry from the other side of the curtain. The love I thought could never be duplicated for another person besides my wife actually magnified ten times at the precise moment my new daughter arrived. I literally felt like the Grinch at Christmas when his heart grew after embracing the spirit of Christmas. Unfortunately, the concern I had for Jana during the entire procedure was stripped immediately from my mind because of the abundant joy I felt by being part of the new life I had help create. Fathering a child and watching her enter this world is one of the few moments that can never be corrupted by anything or anyone. Observing Marley take her first breath will forever be one of the single greatest moments of my life.

Once they pulled Marley out they began performing numerous tests on her. If I had read the books that Jana left by my bedside every night, then I would have known this is a common practice know as the Apgar test. Watching them pull and push on Marley aroused a protective fury in me, and I started to stand up and confront the situation. The doctor, maybe sensing I was not well rehearsed in newborn procedures, told me she looked great and had passed the Apgar tests. Dumbfounded I muttered “ok” and continued to stare at him with no clear direction on my next move. The doctor, knowing I had lost all rational judgment, told me they needed to take Jana to the recovery room for a few hours and that I should go down to the nursery to see my daughter. “Jana. That’s right—Jana is still here and needs me to comfort her. How could I forget so quickly about her?” Even though Jana was still partially sedated, she smiled up at me and said, “go.” I kissed her and stumbled down the hallway looking for the nursery.

I stood outside the nursery ward peering in the window, contemplating two things before opening the door: how was I going to find my daughter; and how was I going to talk to the nurses when they could not speak English? For the past eight years, I would just abandon the situation when I could not communicate and move on without the item or answer to my question. I began to smile at the thought of sitting in the waiting room for hours not seeing my daughter because I was too scared to go in and try to communicate with the nurses. Jana would certainly have had some choice words for me if our daughter spent her first few hours alone because her father was too cowardly to cross a language barrier.

I could not resist any longer and no one was coming to help me even though I was staring in the nursery like a child at the zoo. All of sudden I swung open the door, charged past the changing area, and started walking around the various cribs looking for the little white baby. All at once, nurses appeared from every corner of the room and began yelling at me while swinging their arms. An older nurse grabbed me by the arm, and lead me toward the door I had just entered. As she pushed me out the door, I quickly became angry and started walking back towards her—I wanted to see my daughter. She raised her hand and gave me the universal stop motion. I stopped and looked her straight in the eyes. She smiled and pointed toward the main thing I had missed before barging in the room. There, beside the door, was a little sign that said in English, “Please change shoes and clothes before entering the nursery.” I lowered my head in shame and slowly started changing my clothes. After I had finished, she asked me in broken English for my child's name. I wanted to scream, “Probably the only white kid in the entire nursery right now,” but instead I just said, “Marley Barr.” Once again she smiled, and led me to a crib in the corner of the room.

Overwhelming emotions took control of my body while looking into that crib of pale skin and blonde hair. I started to cry so the nurse put her hand on my shoulder. Marley was so beautiful. The little creature was the most beautiful thing I had ever witnessed in my life and by the grace of God I was part of her life. The nurse brought over a stool and I positioned myself beside her. In a few minutes the nurse left us alone, and without asking permission from the germ police, I reached in the crib and held her hand.

Talking to Marley

For two hours I sat beside my daughter’s crib when she was first born. While Jana was in the recovery room sleeping, I was in the nursery staring amazed at the being laying in front of me. Marley mostly slept during that time but the awe of the moment kept me by her side looking at her. I could not comprehend that only twenty-four hours earlier, she was just a possibility—n ow she was a reality entrusted to me for the remainder of my life. As my mind tried to steal the moment with thoughts of responsibility and fear, I suppressed those thoughts and truly enjoyed the moment of life. There are very few times in life that I “remain still” and absorb the richness of the moment, but on that night I did. Sitting in that nursery with my daughter is an experience that I will never forget, one that can never be altered by the evil of this world. For two hours, my daughter was a perfect little creature completely made in the image of God. As we bonded in that nursery, I began telling Marley stories about her family and living in Thailand. Obviously she could not understand me, but there was an enormous amount of information I had to pass on to her during those moments. I talked to her about Jana, my father, our family in the States, our family in Thailand, and mostly about how much I already loved her. She slept peacefully after the traumatic experience of birth, but I continued talking non-stop about life before her arrival, and what I envisioned life being now that she had made a grand entry into this world. As admiration for my daughter quickly grew in those first few hours in the nursery, little did I know that the birth of my daughter would not be the most significant life-changing moment that weekend, but instead the news we would receive three days later as we were preparing to finally go home as a family.

R elive the Moment of Birth

The overwhelming sense of joy you felt, as that first child was being born needs to be shared with him or her. I only have one child so I am not sure how the feelings duplicate with multiple children, but I can tell you when Marley arrived in the world, I felt something exhilarating. Sit down with your child and tell him or her about that marvelous moment. You don’t have to be graphic but share the joy you felt. Tell him or her about the time leading up to the birth, the rush to the hospital, the chaos of labor, and the overwhelming love you felt as he or she was born. Maybe you were not there. If you were not, then I would encourage you to sit down with someone that was there and have that person tell the story to you and your child. Sharing about your child’s birth is an exciting thing and will strengthen that bond we sometimes are not able to experience as fathers of newborns.

 

 

 

Why Does Our Society Care?

Here is an interesting news item this week from Thailand about an Australian couple that traveled to Thailand to use a surrogate mother.  The Thai mother had twins and was prepared to give the children to the foreign couple but then things got murky.  The boy was born with Down syndrome, but the girl was born healthy.  Surprisingly, the girl is now in Australia with the couple, but the boy has been left behind with the Thai surrogate mother.  So why was the boy left behind?  This is when the story becomes very interesting.  According to the Australian couple, they were never told about the boy, according to the Thai surrogate mother, the foreign couple did not want the boy because he had Down syndrome.  The Thai woman claims the Australian couple tried to pressure her into having an abortion and never paid her the money they promised.  And today, it is being reported that the Australian father is a convicted pedophile to add another twist to this tragedy.

This story is a lot to digest, but I want to look at one specific thing that bothers me about this article.  Why does our society care?  That is the first thing that irritated me when I first read the story.  The national media is up in arms because this family supposedly abandoned their child because he has Down syndrome.  In fact, over 200,000 dollars has been raised to help this Thai mother take care of the child because he has some medical issues.  Don’t misunderstand what I am saying because as Christians we should care.  As Christians we value life and believe every life, regardless of how society views him or her, is a part of fulfilling God’s plan.  But I still come back to the question of why are non-believers, our society, suddenly taking the approach that babies with disabilities need to be protected?  If this surrogate mother was forced to have the child when she wanted an abortion, then the story would be completely different.  Why do we care as a society about helping this child when before his birth, we would have openly supported a couple choosing to abort the child because he has Down syndrome?  That is the problem for me.  When it is a matter of “choice”, like a an expectant mother, then an unborn child does not matter, but when that child suddenly emerges into the world, we are angry if the parents abandoned the child.  You can’t have it both ways.  You can’t be enraged that this couple does not want a child with Down syndrome, but then be fully supportive if the surrogate mother had supposedly honored the couple’s wishes and had an abortion when they discovered the extra chromosome.  Regardless of religious beliefs, there is something wrong when a society believes a human life is important at 23 weeks of development but not at 24 weeks of development.

When considering an abortion, a woman might find herself asking, "How late can you get an abortion?" In the United States, the answer to that question is most often based on viability, which is generally 24 weeks. Source Link

Let me close by saying this perplexes me about our society.  If you support people having abortions when disabilities are discovered then don’t get upset when parents abandoned a child with disabilities.  All disabilities are not detectable during pregnancy and the ones that are, can be inaccurate.  I am glad this story is gaining national attention and I am glad this young man is getting the support he needs to survive in this world.  But let’s consider, as a society, to help children with Down syndrome before a magical developmental number.  If we really care about people with Down syndrome, lets start caring when a couple abandons a child AND when a couple tells a doctor they want to end a pregnancy because of an extra chromosome.

 

Those Awe Moments In Life

This week was Song Kran break in Bangkok.  Basically it is our spring break but for the Thais, it is a week long water fight celebrating New Years.  With temperatures reaching over 100F we decided to take Marley to her first movie.  We had watched the movie Rio a few years ago so we took her to see Rio 2.  We bought tickets, drinks, and popcorn and entered the movie cinema after taking some first time pictures.

Often in life we hear that experiencing something for the first time trumps everything else.  I found myself indulging those thoughts as I watched Marley experience her first movie.  She was scared to enter the movie at first because of the loud noises and total darkness of the cinema.  Once we got to our seats she clung on to me while staring at the screen with a wide eye expression.  After about 30 minutes she settled in and started eating her popcorn.  Occasionally she would jump when something dramatic happened, but she never fully relaxed during the entire movie.  She was literally on the edge of her seat during the entire movie.

Later that night I was thinking about how many movies I had watched in my life and how often I am unmoved by the experience.  I considered how much fun it would be to watch a movie for the first time again and embrace all the emotions Marley experienced that night.  This led me to thinking about other things in life, especially my relationships with Jana and God.  Those awe moments I first encountered when I became a Christian and when I married Jana are no longer present in my life.  Is that a bad thing?  Should I crave those ‘edge of my seat moments’ with Jana and God that are difficult to capture after first encounters?  I began to look at Moses after his awe moment with God at the burning bush.

Now the Lord had said to Moses in Midian, “Go back to Egypt, for all those who wanted to kill you are dead.” (Ex 4:19)

The Lord said to Moses, “When you return to Egypt, see that you perform before Pharaoh all the wonders I have given you the power to do. (Ex 4:21)

Then the Lord said to Moses, “Now you will see what I will do to Pharaoh: Because of my mighty hand he will let them go; because of my mighty hand he will drive them out of his country.” (Ex 6:1)

Then the Lord said to Moses, 11 “Go, tell Pharaoh king of Egypt to let the Israelite go out of his country.” (Ex 6:10)

None of these passages have that awe moment that Moses had with the burning bush.  Imagine encountering God as a burning bush. Wouldn’t God just telling you to do something, after the burning bush encounter, fail in comparison?  The burning bush would be an edge of your seat experience, but lets look past the excitement of experiencing something for the first time.  The difference we see with Moses after the burning bush is he talks with God.  Moses and God talk like two people in a meaningful relationship.  That is the difference in regards to our desperation for awe moments in our lives.   We don’t need repeated awe moments if we are in a fruitful relationship with our creator.

Of course the danger we must always resist is complacency.  After twelve years of marriage Jana and I have very few first time moments in our relationship.  BUT we have moments that easily trump those first time awe moments.  Our relationship has progressed to something we could have never imagined the first day we got married.  The same should be true with our creator.  As believers we need to be deepening our relationship with God on a daily basis.  The awe moments are only temporary but a relationship is for eternity.   Don’t become discouraged if you are not experiencing “edge of your seat” moments in your daily life.  Instead focus on things you can do to build your relationship with God.  I often compare my marriage with my commitment with God because I believe it requires the same dedication to prosper.  Spend time with God, talk with God, pray with God, and then those previous awe moments will fail in comparison to your daily walk with your savior.