Susan Juby's Blog, page 13

Mules and Mules!

This draw a mule to win an ARC of Republic of Dirt contest is making me so happy.

Here are the two latest entries.

Carrie Mac, creator of last week’s Mulonkey, has drawn a purebred mule. He breaks my heart with his lovely, soft eye!

And Mallory Mars of Duncan, BC, has painted a showy appaloosa mule that makes me want to go out and adopt a black and white spotted mule immédiatement!

Contest ends Saturday, November 15. Enteeeerrrr!

What do you call a half mule?

A sweet, sweet “mulonkey”. This one is by the amazing Carrie Mac! Why? Because she’s a funny superstar wordsmith/artist and because she wants to be entered to win… an AAAA RRRRR CCCCC!

Enter to win an ARC of Republic of Dirt by drawing a mule or mule-like creature and you won’t be sorry. Also, please read Carrie’s blog because it has cool mulonkey pics and contains compliments directed at me. Which I very much enjoy.

You should also go on Twitter to admire the way the fierce historian and bon mot-producing genius Charlotte Gray came up with the name Madge Yesteryears for this mulonkey. That is only the greatest name ever coined in the history of names. I will either write a book called Madge Yesteryears or begin calling myself by that name. If it’s okay with Charlotte.

xo

Contest Update

The contest to win an ARC of Republic of Dirt has been extended to November 15. All you have to do is send me a drawing or painting of a mule. Could anything be easier? Just think: I could be asking you skill-testing math questions!

Here’s a recent and fabulous entry by Rachel Jackson (who also writes, spins yarns (literally) and knits.

Help Yourself Already: Part II

Top Reasons You Are Never Going To Get Ahead (And It’s Your Own Damned Fault)

1. After being exposed to an average of 25,611 ads every year between the ages of 2 and 11, you insist on wanting to buy things, even if you can’t afford them.

2. You were born to poor parents who did not teach you how to handle money. Or your parents had money but they also had unwholesome power dynamics around money so you failed to learn any lesson other than whoever has the money has the power.

3. During the lesson in kindergarten about how it is your job to be useful to the economy rather than the other way around, you were trying to get a small ball of Play Doh out of your nose and completely missed it.

4. You want to have the things everyone else has because you are too weak to disregard the fact that everything in our media and popular culture says that if you don’t have those things you are a goddamned loser and will never count for anything and might not get into heaven.

5. Sickened by capitalism and all its works, you have opted out of the rat race. Now you’re one of the premiere dumpster divers/shack dwellers in your area. But are you getting ahead? We think not.

6. You didn’t go to college or university and opted to head straight into the work force after high school. Now your career opportunities are limited to retail, fast food, bust and boom resource extraction/construction and/or selling drugs. None of these is a sure fire means to get ahead except for selling drugs but that will only last until you are twenty. After that you will probably find yourself falling behind in jail or maybe dead.

7. You went to university in order to get a great job and become a more well-rounded person and as a result you accumulated some student loans. When you emerged from university there were no jobs. Now you are being slowly crushed beneath the weight of student debt while working minimum wage retail, fast food and/or selling drugs. But you’re pretty old for a drug dealer and so no one really trusts you.

8. In an effort to be more financially responsible and save for your future, you stopped buying things. The economy crashed. Nicely done, you. I hope you’re pleased with yourself

9. You are not the kind of person the economy needs. Never have been. Never will be. Or you were the kind of person the economy needs but doesn’t any longer. Either way, it’s your own damned fault.

10. Like 100% of other people who do not work at Goldman Sachs, you do not understand financial markets, new financial instruments, or even why your bank makes you pay huge fees to let them use your money.

11. Your parents did not pass away and leave you a lot of money. Neither did any aunts, uncles, grandparents, neighbors. You did not win the lottery and you were not able to steal any large sums when you went door to door selling siding. That, my friend, is on you.

Susan Juby’s Highly Cynical and Blatantly Obvious Take on the Habits of Wildly Successful People

1. Be born to loving parents who have a lot of connections and as you grow up milk those connections.

2. If possible, your parents should be wealthy or at least on the upper end of middle class. Try to avoid being born into generational poverty.

3. Don’t have any serious physical or mental health issues. Not only are those things quelle drag, as they say in eighth grade, but they can seriously screw up your relentless drive to the top.

4. Have fabulous self-esteem as a result of your excellent upbringing. If you have a lack of confidence in some area, be charmingly self-effacing about it.

5. Be naturally disciplined. Practically a ninja.

6. Don’t be born into a poor, war-torn country but if you are, be born into the ruling class. Be first one to flee when the regime falls.

7. Thrive on almost no sleep, unlike most people, who are rendered non-functional by lack of sleep. Harshly judge those who need 8 hours or more but do so passive aggressively.

8. Be really, really smart and good at things that pay well and bring prestige. No one gives a shit if you are good at Tiddly Winks or making that face. At least, no one who counts.

9. Don’t be unattractive. If you are unattractive, don’t be the kind of unattractive that makes others uncomfortable. But really, it’s best to be attractive. Get surgery if necessary.

10. Be tall. Or if you must be short, be cute.

11. Be socially skilled among the right people. Remember to be slightly remote yet kindly to everyone else, especially if they might be interviewed about you later.

12. Marry someone amazing but not so amazing that they’re going to get poached by someone even more wildly successful than you.

13. If you have obstacles to overcome (see above), be super-duper extra-exceptional and transcend your difficulties in a way that is basically a miracle. Make others feel bad that they are not as exceptional by sharing widely your story of transcendence and wild success. Hint: even if you have all the advantages, give yourself a hard luck origin myth so others can feel inadequate.

14. Love money. Get money. Keep money. Repeat.

Advance Polling

suggests that asking people to draw mules and suggest costumes for cattle dogs is asking a lot. When I gave away chicken handbags and other poultry paraphernalia for the first Woefield draw I asked only for names. Man, people came out of the woodwork/tiniest cracks in the internet for that one. And I dare say a few who entered just really wanted a hen purse or associated toy. One can understand.

But in this demanding contest to win an ARC of Republic of Dirt I’m getting only the hardcore Woefield fans and people who like mules and cattle dog costumes.

Here are a few samples received thus far:

Most Charming Mule by Carol Anne Shaw

Most Disturbingly Naive Folk Mule by Stephanie, Age 42

Most Not Exactly A Mule But Good Effort Anyway by Jo-Anne Stoltz (This image wouldn’t show up in my post, so I recreated it. With apologies to the artist. I promise not to sell my incredible forgery for millions to unsuspecting Russian oligarch art collectors on the black market.)

There are several others, but I don’t want to show any more at this time in case the rest of you get overwhelmed and don’t enter. DO NOT BE DISCOURAGED! Send me your mule pic or costume suggestion and an ARC could be yours.

Next I will post some of the suggestions for Rodeo’s Halloween costume.

For those about to enter the contest: we salute you.

Astonishingly, the slogan from the last post has not caught on among… anyone, really. It has not entered the popular consciousness or become a part of the cultural capital of those in the know. I can’t imagine why not.

I will fight on, firm in my belief that I will one day come up with a truly great slogan for something. In the meantime, I’m happy to announce the first in a series of Woefield-related contests.

I have (wait for it!) three advanced reader copies (ARCs for those of you feel more important when you use acronyms) of The Republic of Dirt. (Feel free to listen to that crowd sound again.)

To enter this contest, please send me your drawing of a mule (it doesn’t have to be good) OR tell me what Rodeo should “go as” for Halloween.

Hint: not this because it’s already been done. And too bad, because he’d look fetching in a mane.

Send me a scan of your mule drawing/sketch/painting etc., or cattle dog Halloween costume suggestion, as well as your name and address, and I will announce the winners on Halloween. (Please note that I have an exciting master plan for the illustrations. Well, at this stage it’s more of a apprentice plan, but let’s not quibble about terms.) Email your entries to: andfurthermore@shaw.ca

Oh, and one final thing. The only person who is not allowed to enter the contest is Jodey Wilson, a bookseller at Indigo in Edmonton South Common. It’s not because Jodey is a ringer when it comes to drawing mules, though she might be. It’s because Jodey is basically Woefield Farm’s fairy godmother. She and her fellow booksellers sold hundreds of copies of Woefield out of that single location. They hosted me in one of the loveliest book club meetings I’ve attended (and I’ve attended some dandies, including one that served Prudence Burns-style radish chips). Jodey will be receiving a The Republic of Dirt ARC and the final book with my compliments and undying gratitude and maybe a small framed portrait of Rodeo in his Halloween outfit. Thank you, Jodey. Seriously. You are the best.

Take Cover! Title Shenanigans

Thanks to all the readers who submitted suggestions for titles for the new Woefield. There were many excellent candidates (all can be found on my facebook page under May 26, 2014). You will laugh, you will cry. You will think, WTF?

Here are a few of the suggestions:

(You Can) Lead a Mule to Woefield (Karen Rivers)

Muletyde Greetings from Woefield Farm (Charlotte Gray)

The Woefield Mule Cooperative (Heather Davis)

Back to Woefield, Ass in Tow (J. Penney Burton)

Oh Woe the Mule

The Republic of Woefield

Woe Until Woefield

One of my faves came via Kristine Paton. She not only suggested a great title, but even mocked up a cover.

So charming!

Thank you, Kristine.

It seems that we’re going to go with the working title, Republic of Dirt, but we’re going to add a subtitle: A Return to Woefield Farm. (This subtitle was suggested by Lisa McGregor and also by my editor, Iris. Great minds!)

Here is a rough draft of the cover, which matches the Canadian cover of the first book.

A hearty thanks to Alan Jones, designer.

I think a mules have the ability to jazz up anything, including fields and barns. In fact, they might be the next birds! I encourage everyone to take the time right now to doodle a mule onto your notepad, hand, T-shirt or iPad cover. See? The thing that has been mule-ified looks better and it makes you smile. Why? Because mules are excellent.

Your drawing might be competent:

It might be extremely good:

Or it might turn out looking like some sort of pig-mule-hybrid with a bad case of chicken pox:

No matter what, if you draw a mule on something, I guarantee your mood will improve.

If you draw a delightful mule on yourself or some other object and send me a picture, I’d like to see it and post it on this here blog. I will do the same. To mule-ify is to glorify. That’s today’s thought. You’re welcome.

Royal Society, eh wot!

I’m pleased and mildly alarmed to announce that I have been named to the inaugural cohort of The College of New Scholars, Artists and Scientists by the Royal Society of Canada. It’s rather heady company!

This honour will take me to Quebec City this November to be sworn into “The College”. The 91 new members were nominated by 51 universities and the National Research Council and are the “emerging generation of scholarly, scientific and artistic leadership in Canada”. This is exactly how I see myself, particularly when I walk the dog in cougar country while carrying pepper spray, a Mexican switchblade, as well as the “Air Horn Effect” downloaded onto my phone, ready to be deployed to frighten off all comers. “Self,” I think, pausing to listen nervously to the birds rustling in the dessicated leaves. “You are clearly national leadership material.”

In all seriousness, I am most pleased to be a part of the new College and hope to do my part to promote Canadian writers and artists and the study of arts and humanities in Canadian universities.

From the Department of Making Excuses

Please do not erupt into spontaneous flames at the shock of seeing a new post on this blog. Yes, it’s a rare occurrence for me to actually update. If you really want to know what’s up in the Jubyverse (did I really just write that? Good lord.), please join me on Facebook. If you want to see me make piss poor use of another social media platform join me on Twitter. And if you’d like to see far too many pictures of our dog, join me on Instagram (susanjubypants).

If you’re interested in why I haven’t updated much this summer, other than bone laziness, I offer the following:

Those are edited manuscripts for two books. Phew, right? I’m exhausted just posting pictures of all that marked up paper.

Here’s another angle on those bad boys.

In case you are wondering, I am aware that my office is an appalling mess. I blame this guy:

Doesn’t he look like a rugged little fellow? It’s an optical illusion. He’s really a snuggle muffin who does not care for hardship of any kind.

Since I’m posting pictures of distractingly cute youngsters, here’s one of my adorable baby niece:

Isn’t she the sweetest? They even let me hold her sometimes!

So, welcome to fall. See you again in a few months. I’ll have more excuses then.

Just kidding. Keep an eye on this blog. As pub dates for Republic of Dirt and The Truth Commission approach there will be all sorts of fascinating activity here. At the very least there will be signs of life.