Martyn Cox's Blog

A recipe for disaster

I love a good typo more than most, so was over the moon when steered towards the latest (December 3) issue of Amateur Gardening. There's an almighty howler to be found at the bottom of  the Your Gardening Week section, where AG's resident cook gives advice to readers on how to make canapes out of winter lettuce leaves. Apart from stuffing them with cream cheese and a dash of paprika, the advice is to 'try other fillings such as homos mixed with crushed garlic'. You can make your own minds up, but I think this is probably best avoided if you're trying to impress guests over the festive period.

Don't try this at home

Winners of the OMG! Gardening Awards 2011

Sound the church bells. Pop your champagne corks. Start a ticker-tape parade. Voting is over for another year at the OMG! Gardening Awards. Despite a low turnout at polls (33% compared to a staggering 59% last year) there was the usual list of predictable winners, such as Cleve West bagging Most Snoggable Male for the third year in succession and James Alexander Sinclair bagging another Best Dressed Gardener award (when awards fever dies down I'm planning on consulting my legal team to see whether it's possible to change the rules, prohibiting Cleve or James from entry in these two important categories in the future).

However, there were some surprises with Charles Hawes making a strong challenge in Most Snoggable Male (he came third) and David Domoney appearing from nowhere to take on the might of Matthew Appleby in the Yawn Chorus Award. Who wins? Well, you'll find out shortly. And has a women grabbed the gong for best facial hair? Maybe. Oh and it would appear that our Olympic hope for 2012 is not Sir Chris Hoy, Rebecca Addlington or Phillips Idowu, but Cleve West and THOSE thighs.

Thanks to everyone who made the effort to vote and shame, shame on you if you couldn't be bothered – you really could have made all the difference!

So, with no further ado, please be upstanding for the winners of the OMG! Gardening Awards 2011. Winners, please feel free to leave your acceptance speeches below.

Most Snoggable Male Cleve West (winner 2010, 2009).

Most Snoggable Female Dawn Isaac

Best Dressed Gardener James 'The Flashing Blade' Alexander Sinclair (winner 2010, 2009).

Worst Dressed Gardener Monty Don

Hirsutes You, Sir! Dawn Isaac

Yawn Chorus Award David Domoney and Matthew Appleby

Missing in Action Emma Townsend (winner 2010)

A Good Sport Cleve West

Ooh, Get Her! Anne Wareham

Gardening's Got Talent Three men went to mow

The OMG! Gardening Awards 2011

What???  You thought you'd seen the last of the OMG! Gardening Awards, well think again. It's back for 2011, although I hasten to add, not bigger or better, just back.  For those that don't know what the hell I'm wittering on about, let me explain…

Every year the great and the good of the gardening world, along with some of the not so good, gather at a secret location in London to witness an act of debauchery known as The Garden Media Guild (GMG) Awards.  Apparently, this year's event is being held on November 30th, when a string of glittering gongs, boasting a blinginess that out dazzles the Academy Award trophy or 'Oscar' (it's actually a photocopied certificate in an Ikea picture frame , Ed) will be dished out to winners of categories such as Best Journalist, Best Magazine and Lifetime Achievement Award.

Well, the OMG! Gardening Awards is the antithesis of the fusty old GMG Awards (the only thing we have in common is an annoying acronym) and was established in 2009 by a group of industry heavyweights. Inspired by the infamous Smash Hits Poll Winners Party of yesteryear and the BRAT Awards (launched by the NME music paper as a lighter hearted, ruder version of the BRIT Awards), the OMG!s have become a refreshing left-field alternative to establishment.

So, don't expect to find any categories here for best books, photographs or TV shows. What we like celebrate is the Most Snoggable Male, Worst Dressed Gardener and other things that really, really matter.

The rules? There aren't any. The awards are open to all, wherever you are in the world. You can vote for anybody, whether they be a writer, author, blogger, TV star, tweeter, garden designer etc.

So come on, don't be shy. Start voting now. The deadline for casting your votes is 11pm on November 29th and the results will be unveiled at a glittering ceremony at this very site on the morning of November 30th.

Happy voting!!

OMG! Awards 2011 – The Categories

1 Most Snoggable Male

2 Most Snoggable Female

3 Best Dressed Gardener

4 Worst Dressed Gardener

5 Hirsutes You, Sir! (gardener with the best facial hair – male or female)

6 Yawn Chorus Award (gardener with an over inflated opinion of themselves, who bores the pants off the rest of us)

7 Missing in Action (the blogger, writer, gardener etc who seems to have disappeared off the face of the earth)

8 A Good Sport (gardener most likely to take part in the 2012 Olympics)

9 Ooh, Get Her! (a special award given to a prima donna or person most likely to throw a tantrum if they don't get their own way)

10 Gardening's Got Talent (person with a secret gift that would help them win a talent show)

The Hoardiculturist #9 – Old copies of the Radio Times

I wonder what's on today?

In the dim and distant past I used to write a strand on this blog called The Hoardiculturist, which was about my addiction to…collecting. For anyone who doesn't know, I'm a serial hoarder and have a secret vacuum-sealed vault built into the bedrock of my house where I store all sorts of tat. Neatly filed away in a series of high tensile steel storage boxes placed on the shelves of a lateral track filing system are many treasures, including records, Bronze age Marvel comics, stamps, old bubble gum cards, concert tickets, wind up clockwork things, Pez dispensers, apple cores chucked away by famous people (OK, I made that one up) and Pocketeers, those addictive little puzzles that kids used to play in the 1970s before computer games.

Well, I've just returned from a two day sojourn spent in my underground storage lair, where I rediscovered some stuff I thought I should tell you about. Like many of my collections, it's the kind of ephemera that most people would throw away, but not me. As a self appointed archivist of late 20th and early 21st century life, I had the foresight to squirrel away all manner of material so future generations could learn the lessons of the past. Yes, of course you've guessed what I'm referring to…copies of The Radio Times, the popular TV listings magazine. But wait. Not just any copies of The Radio Times, but those that feature Dr Who on the front cover.

Like many of my generation, I grew up with Dr Who (it was part of a Saturday afternoon televisual ritual that was preceded by football, wrestling and Basil Brush) and collected anything to do with the series, whether it was comics, cards given away with Weetabix breakfast cereal and even the Radio Times, which often featured the Dr or his enemies on the front cover.

History buffs might be interested to know that the first time Dr Who featured on Radio Times was 22-28 February 1964, when William Hartnell's Marco Polo story was promoted – during the 1960s, the time lord reappeared a further five times. In the 1970s, the long-running series graced the cover five times, but sadly only once during the 1980s – slim pickings for a magpie like myself. Fortunately, with the rebirth of the show in 2005, a Doctor Who related cover seems to appear every other week.

In total I've got about 25 different copies of the magazine. Among my favourites is the 19-25 November 1983 edition, which features an artwork cover to herald The Five Doctors story, and the 26 March-1 April 2005 gatefold Tardis cover. 22-28 November 2003 issue is also worth a mention, as four different covers were published to celebrate the 40th anniversary of the show. I recall scooping these up hot off the press when I worked at the BBC.

Sadly, I don't have any of the Radio Times' that feature Dr Who on the cover from the 1960s or early 1970s. So if you have any of these tucked away somewhere and are feeling like having a cathartic clear out, do think of me. You know they'd be going to an extremely good home.

Oh, and Happy New Year!

Disappointment, heartbreak and fireworks – woeful tales of Christmases past

Bah humbug! All this festive cheer and good will to all men stuff is starting to become a bit tiresome, so I thought I'd spread a great big dollop of full-fat gloom over your yuletide log by digging into my past and telling you all about three of my worst ever Christmas experiences. Sadly, I have a bulging Santa's sackful of stories to choose from, but thought I'd spare you from the time my sister ran off, when my nan died or our pet hamster was eaten by the cat. So read and enjoy three tales of woeful Christmases past that certainly put paid to Andy William's theory that Christmas is "the most wonderful time of the year". Happy holidays!

Disappointment (1976)

In 1976 there was only one thing that this 7-year-old boy wanted to find wrapped up beneath the fake Christmas tree (we had a particularly glitzy silver tinsel tree that lasted well into the 1980s) – The Six Million Dollar Man action figure. The TV series starring Lee Major ran from 1974 to 1978 and to accompany it, Kenner had created a must-have 'doll' in an orange test flight suit that came equipped with a telescopic eye and an arm covered with thin rubber skin that you could pull back to reveal the bionics that gave Steve Austin, the Six Million Dollar Man, his strength. Many of my friends had one of these desirable toys and I had dropped enough clues that my mum and dad could have been in no doubt that this should be top of my present list. On the big day, my sister and I bounded into mum and dad's bedroom at an ungodly hour, woke them up and pestered them to accompany us downstairs, where the presents awaited. After rifling through the contents of my stocking (containing a walnut, tangerine, a couple of hazelnuts, a bag of chocolate coins etc) I was given a rectangular shaped present. My heart started to beat frantically. It's was the right shape, felt heavy enough, surely it had to be The Six Million Dollar Man figure? With wide grin I even said, "I know what this is", before tearing off the wrapping paper in feverish excitement to find…Dataman, a 'fun' calculator made by Texas Instruments on which you could play number games. In an instant my ecstasy turned to agony and my smile subsided as I realised I wasn't going to spend Christmas looking through Steve Austin's telescopic eye.

Martyn could only muster a weak grin on opening Dataman

Heartbreak (1996)

During my second term of studying horticulture at Writtle College in Essex I found myself girlfriendless as I split from a long-term partner. For some time after I was down in the dumps, but started to perk up when I noticed the attractive American equine student that all the male students were lusting after was giving me the 'eye'. After a few weeks I plucked up the courage to ask her out and we were inseparable for the remainder of the college year. Sadly, she was only due to spend a year at Writtle and had to return to the US to continue her studies at Johnsons and Wales University in Providence, Rhode Island. That summer I spent a blissful month or so with her in the US, before flying back to the UK with a heavy heart. Still, we made a plan that I would head back to the US at Christmas and we spoke daily, ramping up huge phone bills that helped to keep the long-distance relationship alive. For several months things seemed fine, but with weeks to go before I was due to fly out she started to suggest that it might not be such a good idea for me to visit. No reasons for her change of heart were ever offered and as I'd already paid for a ticket, I thought bugger it, I'm still going. Due to heavy snow, my flight to Boston was diverted to Bangor, Maine, where passengers were put up overnight in a cheap hotel before being transported to Boston by bus the next day. After being dropped off at the airport I tried to phone my girlfriend to let her know I'd arrived, but could only get through to her flat mate and her boyfriend, who said they would come and pick me up. I expected to be greeted warmly by my girlfriend back at their flat, but she wasn't there. In fact, she didn't show up until three days later when she announced that she had found a new boyfriend and was moving out of the flat and in with him at that very moment. I was heartbroken. Months of anticipating what it would be like to see each other after months apart turned to shit. So, did I spend the next three weeks moping about before flying home? Not at all. But, err, I think I better leave it at that.

Enjoying myself in New York

Fireworks (2007)

I've witnessed many family rows at Christmas time, but nothing comes close to the big bang of 2007. We'd planned to spend Christmas day at my in-laws in Cornwall and had, at great expense, rented a cottage in the lovely fishing village of Polperro. On the 25th we drove to nearby Liskeard and enjoyed a pretty normal Christmas Day. But then on Boxing Day it all kicked off. From absolutely nowhere an argument erupted between my other half and her mother, which ended up with my mother-in-law shutting herself up in her bedroom for a good three or four hours. Fed up with her sulking fit, I decided we might as well head back to Polperro. After packing up the car, my mother-in-law appeared at an upstairs window of the house, where she started to wail like a banshee, issuing a whole range of expletives unsuitable for a woman of her age while simultaneously hurling some of our presents onto the lawn below. One hit my son on the head. As we drove away, my three year old daughter piped up from the back, saying, "that was fun, wasn't it." No, it really wasn't.

Festive Polperro

The Return of Mystery Guess – The Answer

Oh, of course it is. I bet you're kicking yourself now?

Some said it was a crusty old bit of Yorkshire pudding, while others thought it might be some kind of seed pod. Were they close. Nah, not even slightly warm – but thanks for taking part anyway, it's your quiz after all. This is actually a close-up pic of the most bizarre-looking puffball that I've ever seen – if anyone out there is a fungi expert, please let me know what it is. So Mystery Guessers, as the house has won you can look forward to a rollover next time, when the prize will be…nothing, as usual.

The Return of Mystery Guess

What is this grotesque 'thing'?

Many prayed it had been buried for all eternity after being shot by a silver bullet, but a simple villager looking for a few groats during these tough times has prised open the lead coffin that has kept Mystery Guess at bay for months only to reveal its horrendous form once more. Back to cause you sleepless nights and untold terror, Mystery Guess is my close-up picture guessing game. How do you play? Let me explain the rules. I've taken a close-up picture, cropped it and you have to guess what it is. Simple. I spotted this grotesque 'thing' on a recent visit to RHS Wisley in Surrey. As usual, there are no clues and no flashy prizes for winning. But guess correctly and you will join an esteemed list of former winners in the Mystery Guess Hall of Fame. I'll post the answer in a couple of days. Over to you…let guessing commence.

Winners of the OMG! Gardening Awards 2010

Please take your place on the winners' podium

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, please give a hearty welcome to the results of the OMG! Gardening Awards 2010. After toiling through the night crunching nominations, my crack team of statisticians have somehow managed to sort out the winners from the losers, despite such obstacles as multiple entries, nomination ambiguity and voters changing their minds due to threats and blackmail (if you've arrived late at the party, sit in the corner with a flat pint of shandy and read the tangle of nominations here).

The standard of entries was higher than ever this year leading to a vintage OMG! Awards, although I'm sure next year will be even better. There was a tough battle in Most snoggable male with Mark Diacono making a strong first showing, but in the end this category belonged to Cleve West and Matthew Wilson – in fact, they polled an equal number of votes and have been crowned joint winners. Surely now there should be a Snogoff to put their puckering skills to the test? In other catergories there were runaway winners – nobody came close to Matthew Appleby in the Get over yourself award, while the mighty Anne Wareham has been justly crowned Mouth almighty of the year. Well done to all of you. Oh, you might have noticed that I've won Top of the mops award – there was actually a three way tie for this award, but I decided that you can't have three winners, so flipped a coin and won – fear not, their was no hanky panky. The coin toss was carried out under the watchful gaze of a UN inspector.

Thank you to everyone who made the effort to post their nominations. And if you didn't? Shame, shame on you. Your votes could have made a big difference to someone's life.

So, without further ado. Please be upstanding for the winners of the OMG! Awards 2010.

Oh, and winners. Feel free to leave your acceptance speeces below.

Most snoggable male - Cleve West and Matthew Wilson

Most fanciable female - Michelle Wheeler

Best dressed male - James Alexander-Sinclair

Worst dressed gardener - Toby Buckland

Tweet of the year - Arabella Sock

Where are they now? - Emma T

Comeback of the year - Alan Titchmarsh

Top of the mops award (best haircut) – Martyn Cox (runners up Roland Paterson and Rob Stacevitz)

Get over yourself (person with an over inflated opinion of him or herself) – Matthew Appleby

Me and my big mouth (a person in the gardening world who can't help putting their foot in it) – Anne Wareham

Until next year…

The OMG! Gardening Awards 2010

Could you be a winner?

Last year I launched The OMG! Gardening Awards as a leftfield, irreverent and proudly irrelevant alternative to the straight-laced gong show that is The Garden Media Guild Awards. Well, as you can no doubt see, I've decided to inject fresh blood into the withered corpse of the OMG! Gardening Awards and have resurrected it from its coffin for another year.

Here's the background. On Wednesday 1 December, the great and the good of the gardening world, along with others looking for a good time, will gather for the 250th Garden Media Guild (GMG) Awards at The Brewery in East London. After gorging on a three course meal washed down with copious amounts of wine, the 500 or so folk will wait with baited breath to see whether they have a bagged one of the coveted awards, which are available in 21 categories.

I must make it clear at this point that I am a GMG committee member and have absolutely nothing against the GMG Awards – although I'm as bitter as hell about having never won anything. Don't worry, I'm sure I'll get over it one day. But, I felt the convention, formality and the predictability of this institution needed a good kick up its backside and inaugurated the OMG! Gardening Awards (here are the 2009 results). My inspiration? The Smash Hits Poll Winners Party of yesteryear and the BRAT awards, launched by the NME music paper as a lighter hearted alternative to the corporate stuffiness that is the BRIT awards.

So, you won't find any awards for Best Magazine, Best TV Show or Practical Book of the Year here, but you can vote in 10 really important categories, such as Worst Dressed Gardener, Tweet of the Year and Top of the Mops award for best haircut.

The awards are open to all, wherever you are in the world and are completely democratic, so please cast your votes below without fear of intimidation. The rules? Well there aren't any, you can vote for whoever you like. Oh, I thought I should mention that after some funny business last year, I've employed a crack security team to ensure that James Alexander Sinclair can't submit multiple votes using cunning pseudonyms.

The deadline for voting is 30 November. A team of statisticians have been commissioned to help me crunch votes that night and the UN have promised to send an election inspector to my house to make sure that everything is above aboard. That's it. And remember, your votes really do count!

OMG! Awards 2010 – The categories

1 Most snoggable male

2 Most fanciable female

3 Best dressed gardener

4 Worst dressed gardener

5 Tweet of the year

6 Where are they now? (the blogger, gardener, writer etc who seems to have vanished off the face of the earth)

7 Comeback of the year

8 Top of the mops award (best haircut)

9 Get over yourself (person with an overinflated opinion of him or herself)

10 Me and big mouth (a person in the gardening world who can't help putting their foot in it)

*OMG! = Oh my God! Come on granddad, get with it.

Mystery Guess Special – Caterpillar conundrum

A mystery caterpillar

I know, I know. I don't blog for an eternity and then when I do it's a frothy little Mystery Guess. Still you'd be doing me a huuuge favour if you could flex that grey matter and have a go at this picture quiz. Why? Well, unlike other Mystery Guesses, I don't know the answer and am relying on your skills of observation to help me identify this strange yellow caterpillar with a purple tail 'horn' (I'm not sure if this is the correct technical word for this part of a caterpillar, but think it might be) that I spotted while enjoying a bracing walk through the woodland at Cholmondeley Castle Gardens in Cheshire yesterday. I've never seen a creature quite like it and despite numerous flicks through Michael Chinery's Complete British Insects, still can't put a name to it. So, Mystery Guessers, do you know what type of caterpillar this is? I'll announce a winner once I've had a chance to verify its name with my crack team of Leptidopterists. Over to you…

Cholmondeley Castle Gardens