Jim Paredes's Blog, page 25

Holding on, or letting go?

HUMMING IN MY UNIVERSE By Jim Paredes (The Philippine Star) Updated June 24, 2012 12:00 AM

It’s a new moment as I write this. I spent a few minutes attempting to write an article for this column but it wasn’t going anywhere, so I thought I’d seize this new moment that is unfolding right now and just go with it.

It’s frustrating when it happens but what’s a writer who is stuck but has to meet a deadline to do? As usually happens, there is a lesson, an inspiration even in being stuck.

Sometimes you just have to sit back and not insist on pursuing paths that are not delivering. There’s a time for stubborn pursuit and there’s a time to let things just go.

There are guys who pursue girls doggedly for years and use their entire arsenal to win their love — chocolates, flowers, gifts, expensive wooing, and putting their best foot forward, but to no avail. The frustration that follows often tempers expectations and is a tough lesson in handling disappointments and accepting reality.

There are also those who expend a lot of effort fighting sickness, or a disease like cancer, going through all sorts of medical protocols and treatments, only to fail and die in the end. And that is very sad.

People explain such situations in many ways. There are those who salute the efforts of those who try really hard and fail, quoting Alfred Lord Tennyson, “’Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”

And there are those who insist that perhaps, staying the course a little longer and not giving up could have tilted the results in one’s favor. In other words, in the eyes of those who judge, despite everything, they still did not try hard enough. Others who are less severe in their judgment and are philosophical will simply say that some things are just not meant to be.

The question of when to hold on to something and when to give up is a tough one. In a relationship that isn’t working out well, for example, on the surface, holding on seems to be the ideal, brave and courageous thing to do. Many will automatically give advice and, more often than not, it is counsel that urges the parties to stay on and work things out. Which only seems right and noble.

On the other hand, it is easy to equate giving up with failure or weakness. It seems like a cop-out, an abandonment of purpose, a failure of character to walk away from something one has sworn to be bound by. It is rare that a person who walks away from a relationship is not given a bad rap by outsiders who are often simply on the outside looking in and analyzing the situation from an uninformed angle.

Just as there are reasons to stay the course, there are also valid reasons to abandon a situation, abort a plan, cancel promises made. And knowing which path to take depends on how one weighs things.

In the heat of the moment, it is difficult to make the distinction between giving up and letting go. There is a difference between the two. To give up is to realize that one’s efforts were not good enough and by leaving, one is cutting his or her losses and freeing oneself from any more pain.

To let go, on the other hand, is to divest oneself of attachments like expectations, bitterness and eventually, even pain. To give up is to accept that one is not up to the challenge and to center on the unfulfilled promise. To let go is to conclude that there are more important and sensible scenarios to consider than staying the course. The former implies the end of the road. The latter suggests an unburdening to be able to travel lightly, perhaps on a new road.

Someone unknown once said, “One says you aren’t worthy of the prize, the other says you are the prize.” This makes the distinction clear.

When one gives up, there is a turning away and often, there is bitterness and enmity that accompanies it. Letting go, on the other hand, does not only bring emotional release, it can even be an amicable cutting of ties and a freeing of oneself of any formerly desired outcome. It allows things to unravel outside of one’s control. It implies a willingness to turn away and move on, unfettered by the past.

Another unknown wise person counseled, “Giving up does not always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go.” The strength that is alluded to here is not only strength of character but a non-attachment to winning, or the wounded ego’s wish to always be in control. And that is certainly enormous strength right there.

In the acquisition of wealth where greed and exploitation must be tempered, one is also asked to “give up.” I am not talking here of merely “moderating greed” as former NEDA chief Romulo Neri counseled during GMA’s presidency. I am talking more about “giving back,” which is what the enlightened rich and good companies with corporate social consciences actually do — give back to the community that has made them rich.

So, to go back to the question, when does one hold on and when does on let go? It’s hard to say. The poet and novelist Herman Hesse wrote, “Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go. “

We can only let go when we realize that we have no control over many things, much less people, even if we care a great deal about them. And ironically, sometimes, it is a reason enough to let them go because we care about them. When you give up and let go, a remarkable thing happens; the pain goes away. If it doesn’t, it’s only because it clings back, because you are still clinging to it.

But when does one hold on? You hold on when, deep down, you know that the difficulties are temporary and can be overcome and the bigger payoff of growth and happiness awaits.

Rey Valera: The stuff of legends

HUMMING IN MY UNIVERSE By Jim Paredes (The Philippine Star) Updated June 17, 2012 12:00 AM

I first saw and met Rey Valera sometime in the late ‘70s. APO was an up-and-coming group then. Those were the early, heady days of OPM. Rey Valera was a younger singer-songwriter. Boboy, Danny and I were hosts of a late afternoon TV show on GMA 7 called Discorama with the late Bobby Ledesma who offered us the job after his co-hosts Tito, Vic, and Joey left for the greener pastures of Channel 9.

Rey was one of the pioneers of OPM and like many among the ‘70s generation, he wrote tons of music that continues to be played today.

The amazing thing about that era was, even if the songwriters grew up on Western music, we decided to write in Pilipino. There were no meetings or consultations among artists to push this agenda. Writing in Pilipino was a spontaneous rebellion, a proclamation by a generation of its identity. It literally just happened. And what a big deal it was, the Original Pilipino Music that came out of it!

From time to time, through the decades, I would bump into Rey Valera in the different shows I either hosted or guested in. We would talk shop and joke around, just shooting the breeze.

I am currently hosting an Internet show called Past/Forward on www.RadioRepublic.PH where I discuss with my guests the history, continuity and issues pertaining to Original Pilipino Music. Last Tuesday, I invited Rey Valera to be my guest.

I have always enjoyed his music. He writes with elegance and truth that resonates with the Filipino soul. His songs are timeless in a soft, somewhat maudlin, sentimental, and yes, an “emo” kind of way, that touches his audience’s heart. His melodies take flight and soar quite naturally. He sings about aspects of love that bring out moments that make you sigh and turn you into a love junkie.

It was a thrill to have this great songwriter on my show. His presence in the studio excited everyone in the room and made me realize what a fan I really was. I knew almost all of his recorded stuff and I have marveled at how easily his melodies take off.

Rey talked about his early years, which has elements of what legends are made of. He came from a broken home and as a teenager, was sent to live with an uncle in Bulacan. He was lonely and, finding no privacy in his uncle’s house, discovered the quiet time and solace he longed for in, of all places, a cemetery, a few steps away from where he lived. It was there where he indulged in his teenage angst and came up with some of his immortal songs in his younger days.

He wanted to sing, do recordings, concerts and come out on TV but he felt that he was not the type who could become a matinee idol or a pop star that the times were looking for. He says half-jokingly that it was only when he saw Rico J. Puno make it big that he mustered the courage to go for his dream since he saw that he was better-looking than his good friend.

In the ‘70s and ‘80s, Rey Valera’s songs were a staple of radio. We heard his songs on air, even if we were not looking for them. His hits have been recorded by many artists, but among his favorite versions are those recorded by Sharon Cuneta and arranged by Willy Cruz, a songwriter-musician-arranger Rey and I both hold in the highest esteem and admiration. The album is called “Sharon Cuneta sings Rey Valera.” The songs on the album are often used as movie themes. Today, his work continues to be heard as soundtrack themes for telenovelas, ensuring a new generation of fans for his vintage songs.

By all accounts and measures, Rey is a successful singer-songwriter. His albums have sold gold and platinum and he has built up a library of hits that are his OPM legacy.

And it seems that is both good and bad. There are problems that come with success.

When I asked him if he was still actively writing songs, Rey answered in the negative, but he said he knows he can pick it up again if he wants to, although at the moment, he seems to be experiencing writer’s block. The problem, he says, is he can’t seem to decide if he still wants to continue writing. He isn’t sure if he wants to just rest on his laurels or have a “second wind.” After all, his kids are now done with school, he has a house that’s been paid for, and enough to live on for the rest of his days in his hometown in Bulacan.

But probing more deeply, I sensed that the reasons he was holding back were: 1) he wasn’t sure if there is still a market for new songs he may wish to create, and 2) whether the young kids would buy his stuff.

Acceptance is every artist’s issue, and it is more acute when one has not been actively on the scene for sometime and has seen the landscape change totally. There is the haunting, unsavory image of the aging or over the hill artist forcing himself on an audience that has moved on, or a new audience that prefers something else.

I told him that I, like everyone else, also faced the same dilemma but I felt that, beyond my fears and anxieties, the issue was quite simple. A singer sings. A runner runs. A cook cooks. A songwriter writes songs. It’s as simple as that, as simple as night following day. The less we let fear in and demand that certain conditions be met before we do what we do well, the easier it becomes and the better it will be. I told him about my recent solo album called “Laro’ which I made primarily to delight myself. The marketing aspect is not my concern but I hope that the people who are tasked to do the job will take care of that. In other words, the primary duty of an artist is to simply show up and just do it.

I detected something light up inside him, which he summarized by saying, “If you are a songwriter and you do not write songs, you are not doing your job.”

It was a great 90-minute session during which people sent tweets, comments and questions. The sincerity of this artist and the songwriting skills he has honed through the years are impossible to ignore. I also had the pleasure of singing some of his songs with him that night. The young people in the room were completely mesmerized by his music and his comments throughout the show. He still has a lot to teach and share with the younger generation.

I was singing Kung Kailangan Mo Ako to myself on my ride home that evening. An apt song from Rey Valera which this new generation can serenade back to artists like him.

* * *

Basic Photography Workshop is on June 23, Saturday, 1 to 6 p.m. P3,920. Call 0916-8554303 (Olie)/ 426-5375 to reserve a slot.

Lessons for High school and beyond

Lessons for High School and beyond

Humming in my Universe Philstar.com

 

By Jim Paredes

 

Headmaster Robert Mallett, Members of the Board of Trustees, The Middle School Faculty, Parents, Grandparents, Guests, and Members of the graduating class of 2012.

 

Good afternoon.

 

When I was asked to address the graduating class of Beacon School at this commencement, I hesitated. My initial reaction was to say ‘no’ since I could not readily imagine how someone like myself, who is five or six generations older than my audience, can possibly give advice to today’s youth.

 

It’s been almost 50 years since I left grade school and that is eons ago to the contemporary youth sitting here. How can I address students who probably look at people my age as ancient? I also wondered how much attention span young people can politely spare to listen to an old fogey give advice. Besides, what could I possibly say that would be of interest to young people?

 

But after I allowed the possibility to play out in my mind, the idea started to seem somewhat feasible. And the moment I considered saying ‘yes’, a flood of memories of  my own grade school years came rushing back to me.

 

I realized three things while I was walking ideas for his speech in my head: One, how amazing it is that I still remember a lot of what I went through during those formative years. I can still remember the sights and smells, and most of all, the pains and joys and discoveries of my journey into my teens and young adulthood.  Two, how much of this part of school life never quite left me even after almost 50 years. And three, how much my high school years shaped me into what I am today.

 

You are leaving your childhood and moving into the bigger world of high school.  I wish you luck. In many ways, the next stage you are about to enter will be even more important than what you have just finished.

 

I want to share with you some lessons I have learned that have been validated by the gift of hindsight. These are realizations in  high school which turned out to be quite important in my journey to adulthood. In fact, if I had not learned these things in high school, I would probably not be invited to address you today. It is because I learned them and nurtured them in college and beyond that I turned out to be a more or less functional human being, an adult qualified enough to address distinguished people like yourselves on this important rite of passage.

 

 

Here goes:

 

 

1)   You are capable of actions and decisions that have life-long repercussions. Keep this lesson close to your heart and mind. I remember classmates who died in high school all because of recklessness – speeding on a motorcycle, getting into a fist fight, playing with a gun. There were also those who never quite recovered from drugs or alcohol, and those who became unplanned parents in their early teens.

 

The lure of drugs, reckless sexual behavior, violence, the attitude of entitlement and invincibility can get you in big trouble. The path to adulthood is exciting and full of opportunities for growth, but it is also fraught with danger. It requires the wisdom and courage to say to say no to foolhardiness and say yes to true, worthy challenges that will expand you as a person.

 

2)   It is good to find a mentor.

 

It would be extremely helpful for a young person to find a mature, wise adult who can be a role model for responsible behavior and who can give much-needed advice in matters of studies, career, love, and life itself. There’s nothing like having an older, wiser person you can trust when you need to have a good talk, or are seeking good advice. It is also very empowering to have a mentor who believes in you.

 

I was lucky to have had teachers like Ed Garcia, a former Jesuit seminarian who now works for Amnesty International, and Onofre Pagsanhan, one of the greatest teachers the Philippines has ever produced. During my high school years, they were adults who could talk sense into me. They were true mentors who not only cared about what I thought and felt, but saw the goodness in me when I could not see anything redeeming in myself.

 

3)   I am pretty sure you got excellent sex education in this school. But here’s some practical advice anyway. Learn to be in control of yourself and your situation.

 

Sex is an issue you will be dealing with for the rest of your life. Raging hormones – and you have a lot of it at your age – can get you thinking of nothing but sex for long periods of time. Sex, like all things wonderful, must be entered into with full consciousness, attention and great control. When I gave my own kids ‘The Talk’, I likened the sexual drive to a horse. You either take it where you want to go or it takes you where it wants to go. You either control it or it controls you. The sooner you learn to tame and harness its power, the better you will be as an adult.

 

Learn about the opposite sex not just by having girl friends or boy friends but also by observing your own brothers and sisters, your father and mother. The worst sex education you can get is what you learn exclusively from the movies and TV and other media.

 

When you can look at the opposite sex with respect and compassion, and understand them without your hormones getting in the way, then you will have become not only a wise person, but a more likeable one, and even a potentially good life partner.

 

There are other urges that need controlling, such as anger, moodiness, sensitiveness, and other strong feelings that you will need to tame so you can get through your teenage years with the least possible damage.

 

The same goes for the urge to be violent, or the need to prove yourself or gain acceptance by taking drugs, committing petty crimes and surrendering to negative peer pressure.  Casualness produces   casualties.  To be in control ensures survival. To not be in control can make you a victim.

 

4)   Cultivate a spiritual life.

 

In high school,  I saw that my classmates were either quite religious, or were totally disinterested in any kind of spirituality.  Being spiritual does not necessarily mean being religious. It is more than going to church on Sundays. Spirituality is the capacity to be appreciate life as it is and its gifts. It is the gift of recognizing the higher unseen power that runs the universe. It is the ability to cope with almost any circumstance. It is the capacity to boldly say ‘yes’ to life, however it presents itself.

 

You do not know how fate will deal the deck of cards that is your life. But you must have the faith to believe that you play an important part in the scheme of things and that only you can play that part well. No one else is going to live your life better than you. And you must play it with whatever cards are handed to you. But you must also believe that a higher being is with you in all this to help and guide you.

 

 

5)   Many of your classmates now and in high school will be  your friends for life.

 

Anyone who has been at least 20 years out of high school will confirm this.  High school years are golden years that you will always look back to with fondness and bitter-sweet memories.

 

The eminent Dr. Tony Dans, at a graduation ceremony in the Ateneo, pointed out that your former classmates will be the people you will run to later on when you need a doctor, a lawyer, an architect, a financial adviser, a priest, a counselor. You may end up staying with them in their homes when you go abroad, or become their business partners, so it is always good to treat them well as early as now.

 

6)   Get close to your parents, or at least, do not alienate them from your life.

 

You are going through a lot of changes  — physically, emotionally, intellectually — in your teen years. Remember that your parents went through essentially the same thing, even if under different circumstances. While the dynamics of your wanting to assert independence and their need to have parental control over you may seem irreconcilable at times, you can arrive at some sort of age-appropriate accommodation, with lots of patience and dialogue on both sides.

 

 

7)   Teach yourself discipline and develop study habits.

This sounds like the most “square” piece of advice I will dish out tonight, but believe me, it DOES matter that you have read a few books and can write coherently by the time you graduate from high school. It does matter that you have the discipline to concentrate and do homework and tasks. I teach in a university and I find that I am more partial to students who use a wide range of literary references when they speak or write essays than those who hardly read.

 

Furthermore, I notice that the readers in my class often submit better written papers because they are capable of explaining themselves more intelligently. Students who are habitually casual about their requirements never quite make the grade when it counts. I was somewhere between a good student and crammer in high school, depending on the subject. In the subjects that I used to cram, studying only the night before the tests, I never really got good grades.

 

True education takes time and effort. The writer Stephen Covey was right when he said that you can’t plant a tree and expect it to bear fruit overnight.

 

Lastly, I wish to share a quote from Albert Camus, a philosopher you will meet in college, who said, ‘In the struggle between yourself and the world second the world.’

 

This is not a call to be selfish, or to be ego-centric. This is a call to young men and women who have novel ideas and firm values they wish to share with the world. This is about challenging the world and changing how it works.

 

To a young person looking at the big, bad world from the outside, the view may seem daunting. The need to conform, to join the status quo, to march with the herd toward social acceptance, to achieve ‘financial stability and success’, to be politically correct – can be compelling. The values of the establishment will attempt to swallow you up. And many will regard you a fool if you do not succumb.

 

But here’s something I learned: the world is always changing, and this is because there are people bold enough to look it in the eye and refuse to accept it as it is. They are willing to dare and try to reshape the world. Steve Jobs, Nelson Mandela and Mother Teresa are three such people who tried and succeeded. Some of you in this class might surprise yourselves and find that you actually belong to this noble league.

 

I am hoping to see all of you in that league. And I have every reason to hope. You are young, bright and gifted young people who have the advantage of being born in the circumstances you are in. You have the resources and your family’s support and you have been raised with more or less the right values. Your challenge is to pursue those values and ideals and excel and exceed those who have come before you.

 

Your school motto is ‘Truth and Light’.  See to it that everything you do is in pursuit of these two great values. Armed with Truth and Light, learn as much as you can and prepare yourselves to engage the world, not as victims who are hopelessly swept by the tides and fortunes of events. No! Engage the world pro-actively, passionately like champions, and never stop learning, never give up your idealism and beliefs, even in the midst of shifting fortunes.

 

May you cultivate the courage, perseverance and creativity that are already inside you. And may you pursue your passions and dreams and be shining beacons of Truth and Light!

 

Congratulations and good day.

Author delivered this  Commencement Speech at the graduation at Beacon School last May 25, 2012

Lessons for High School and beyond

 

Commencement Speech for Class 2012

Beacon School

 

By Jim Paredes

 

Headmaster Robert Mallett, Members of the Board of Trustees, The Middle School Faculty, Parents, Grandparents, Guests, and Members of the graduating class of 2012.

 

Good afternoon.

 

When I was asked to address the graduating class of Beacon School at this commencement, I hesitated. My initial reaction was to say ‘no’ since I could not readily imagine how someone like myself, who is five or six generations older than my audience, can possibly give advice to today’s youth.

 

It’s been almost 50 years since I left grade school and that is eons ago to the contemporary youth sitting here. How can I address students who probably look at people my age as ancient? I also wondered how much attention span young people can politely spare to listen to an old fogey give advice. Besides, what could I possibly say that would be of interest to young people?

 

But after I allowed the possibility to play out in my mind, the idea started to seem somewhat feasible. And the moment I considered saying ‘yes’, a flood of memories of  my own grade school years came rushing back to me.

 

I realized three things while I was walking ideas for his speech in my head: One, how amazing it is that I still remember a lot of what I went through during those formative years. I can still remember the sights and smells, and most of all, the pains and joys and discoveries of my journey into my teens and young adulthood.  Two, how much of this part of school life never quite left me even after almost 50 years. And three, how much my high school years shaped me into what I am today.

 

You are leaving your childhood and moving into the bigger world of high school.  I wish you luck. In many ways, the next stage you are about to enter will be even more important than what you have just finished.

 

I want to share with you some lessons I have learned that have been validated by the gift of hindsight. These are realizations in  high school which turned out to be quite important in my journey to adulthood. In fact, if I had not learned these things in high school, I would probably not be invited to address you today. It is because I learned them and nurtured them in college and beyond that I turned out to be a more or less functional human being, an adult qualified enough to address distinguished people like yourselves on this important rite of passage.

 

 

Here goes:

 

 

1)   You are capable of actions and decisions that have life-long repercussions. Keep this lesson close to your heart and mind. I remember classmates who died in high school all because of recklessness – speeding on a motorcycle, getting into a fist fight, playing with a gun. There were also those who never quite recovered from drugs or alcohol, and those who became unplanned parents in their early teens.

 

The lure of drugs, reckless sexual behavior, violence, the attitude of entitlement and invincibility can get you in big trouble. The path to adulthood is exciting and full of opportunities for growth, but it is also fraught with danger. It requires the wisdom and courage to say to say no to foolhardiness and say yes to true, worthy challenges that will expand you as a person.

 

2)   It is good to find a mentor.

 

It would be extremely helpful for a young person to find a mature, wise adult who can be a role model for responsible behavior and who can give much-needed advice in matters of studies, career, love, and life itself. There’s nothing like having an older, wiser person you can trust when you need to have a good talk, or are seeking good advice. It is also very empowering to have a mentor who believes in you.

 

I was lucky to have had teachers like Ed Garcia, a former Jesuit seminarian who now works for Amnesty International, and Onofre Pagsanhan, one of the greatest teachers the Philippines has ever produced. During my high school years, they were adults who could talk sense into me. They were true mentors who not only cared about what I thought and felt, but saw the goodness in me when I could not see anything redeeming in myself.

 

3)   I am pretty sure you got excellent sex education in this school. But here’s some practical advice anyway. Learn to be in control of yourself and your situation.

 

Sex is an issue you will be dealing with for the rest of your life. Raging hormones – and you have a lot of it at your age – can get you thinking of nothing but sex for long periods of time. Sex, like all things wonderful, must be entered into with full consciousness, attention and great control. When I gave my own kids ‘The Talk’, I likened the sexual drive to a horse. You either take it where you want to go or it takes you where it wants to go. You either control it or it controls you. The sooner you learn to tame and harness its power, the better you will be as an adult.

 

Learn about the opposite sex not just by having girl friends or boy friends but also by observing your own brothers and sisters, your father and mother. The worst sex education you can get is what you learn exclusively from the movies and TV and other media.

 

When you can look at the opposite sex with respect and compassion, and understand them without your hormones getting in the way, then you will have become not only a wise person, but a more likeable one, and even a potentially good life partner.

 

There are other urges that need controlling, such as anger, moodiness, sensitiveness, and other strong feelings that you will need to tame so you can get through your teenage years with the least possible damage.

 

The same goes for the urge to be violent, or the need to prove yourself or gain acceptance by taking drugs, committing petty crimes and surrendering to negative peer pressure.  Casualness produces   casualties.  To be in control ensures survival. To not be in control can make you a victim.

 

4)   Cultivate a spiritual life.

 

In high school,  I saw that my classmates were either quite religious, or were totally disinterested in any kind of spirituality.  Being spiritual does not necessarily mean being religious. It is more than going to church on Sundays. Spirituality is the capacity to be appreciate life as it is and its gifts. It is the gift of recognizing the higher unseen power that runs the universe. It is the ability to cope with almost any circumstance. It is the capacity to boldly say ‘yes’ to life, however it presents itself.

 

You do not know how fate will deal the deck of cards that is your life. But you must have the faith to believe that you play an important part in the scheme of things and that only you can play that part well. No one else is going to live your life better than you. And you must play it with whatever cards are handed to you. But you must also believe that a higher being is with you in all this to help and guide you.

 

 

5)   Many of your classmates now and in high school will be  your friends for life.

 

Anyone who has been at least 20 years out of high school will confirm this.  High school years are golden years that you will always look back to with fondness and bitter-sweet memories.

 

The eminent Dr. Tony Dans, at a graduation ceremony in the Ateneo, pointed out that your former classmates will be the people you will run to later on when you need a doctor, a lawyer, an architect, a financial adviser, a priest, a counselor. You may end up staying with them in their homes when you go abroad, or become their business partners, so it is always good to treat them well as early as now.

 

6)   Get close to your parents, or at least, do not alienate them from your life.

 

You are going through a lot of changes  — physically, emotionally, intellectually — in your teen years. Remember that your parents went through essentially the same thing, even if under different circumstances. While the dynamics of your wanting to assert independence and their need to have parental control over you may seem irreconcilable at times, you can arrive at some sort of age-appropriate accommodation, with lots of patience and dialogue on both sides.

 

 

7)   Teach yourself discipline and develop study habits.

This sounds like the most “square” piece of advice I will dish out tonight, but believe me, it DOES matter that you have read a few books and can write coherently by the time you graduate from high school. It does matter that you have the discipline to concentrate and do homework and tasks. I teach in a university and I find that I am more partial to students who use a wide range of literary references when they speak or write essays than those who hardly read.

 

Furthermore, I notice that the readers in my class often submit better written papers because they are capable of explaining themselves more intelligently. Students who are habitually casual about their requirements never quite make the grade when it counts. I was somewhere between a good student and crammer in high school, depending on the subject. In the subjects that I used to cram, studying only the night before the tests, I never really got good grades.

 

True education takes time and effort. The writer Stephen Covey was right when he said that you can’t plant a tree and expect it to bear fruit overnight.

 

Lastly, I wish to share a quote from Albert Camus, a philosopher you will meet in college, who said, ‘In the struggle between yourself and the world second the world.’

 

This is not a call to be selfish, or to be ego-centric. This is a call to young men and women who have novel ideas and firm values they wish to share with the world. This is about challenging the world and changing how it works.

 

To a young person looking at the big, bad world from the outside, the view may seem daunting. The need to conform, to join the status quo, to march with the herd toward social acceptance, to achieve ‘financial stability and success’, to be politically correct – can be compelling. The values of the establishment will attempt to swallow you up. And many will regard you a fool if you do not succumb.

 

But here’s something I learned: the world is always changing, and this is because there are people bold enough to look it in the eye and refuse to accept it as it is. They are willing to dare and try to reshape the world. Steve Jobs, Nelson Mandela and Mother Teresa are three such people who tried and succeeded. Some of you in this class might surprise yourselves and find that you actually belong to this noble league.

 

I am hoping to see all of you in that league. And I have every reason to hope. You are young, bright and gifted young people who have the advantage of being born in the circumstances you are in. You have the resources and your family’s support and you have been raised with more or less the right values. Your challenge is to pursue those values and ideals and excel and exceed those who have come before you.

 

Your school motto is ‘Truth and Light’.  See to it that everything you do is in pursuit of these two great values. Armed with Truth and Light, learn as much as you can and prepare yourselves to engage the world, not as victims who are hopelessly swept by the tides and fortunes of events. No! Engage the world pro-actively, passionately like champions, and never stop learning, never give up your idealism and beliefs, even in the midst of shifting fortunes.

 

May you cultivate the courage, perseverance and creativity that are already inside you. And may you pursue your passions and dreams and be shining beacons of Truth and Light!

 

Congratulations and good day.

Author delivered this Commencement talk T the Beacon School graduatio last May 25 2012

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Basic Photography Workshop on June 23, Saturday, 1 to 6PM. Call 09168554303 (Olie)/ 4265375 to reserve a slot. Email me at jpfotojim@gmail.com for queries.

 

 

–

The sound

of water

says

what I think.

- Chuang Tzu

http://haringliwanag.pansitan.net

#   #   #

Basic Photography Workshop on June 23, Saturday, 1 to 6PM. Call 09168554303 (Olie)/ 4265375 to reserve a slot. Email me at jpfotojim@gmail.com for queries.

 

 

–

The sound

of water

says

what I think.

- Chuang Tzu

http://haringliwanag.pansitan.net

How the ‘demon’ Lady Gaga got me thinking about God

HUMMING IN MY UNIVERSE By Jim Paredes (The Philippine Star) Updated May 27, 2012

I am still aghast at the fact that some 500 people actually went out and protested Lady Gaga’s concert on Monday night. It wasn’t about artistic differences, the protection of local artists, or anything resembling reason. In fact, it had nothing to do with reason at all. The protest was held on the ground that the protesters perceived Lady Gaga to be a Satanist, or worse, the devil herself. And to top it all off, a Prince of the Church, one Bishop Arguelles, called for the banning of the concert for the same reason.

Reactions in cyberspace were quick and fast, and furious. Twitter and Facebook overflowed with comments, shoutouts, complaints and condemnations of the call to ban the concert. The ratio was almost 50 to 1, with the majority incensed and exasperated at the protest.

Religion has become a sword dividing people on issues such as the RH Bill, contraception, the acceptance of gays, gay marriage, divorce, women priests, celibacy, the handling of pedophilia in the church. There are other issues as well — science vs. creationism, prayers in school, secularism and even the question of whether hell and devils really exist.

To complicate matters further, the proponents of every issue seem to be adept at quoting the Bible to back up their moral stance.

Through the years, I’ve observed the different kinds of people who embrace the conservative religious values of their faith, and those who have a more liberal appreciation of it, some of whom even leave the faith and embrace a religion that allows more diversity in thought, action and beliefs. Some even become atheists. There are also those who have dropped all religious affiliations and say that they have simply become “more spiritual.”

Some people I know grew up happy-go-lucky, with no cares whatsoever about anything that had to do with religious practice. They were the last persons you would see going to Mass, or praying the rosary or performing any activity that could be seen as even remotely religious. Until they undergo serious crises in life — the loss of material fortunes, the breakup of a marriage, the onset of a serious medical condition, or heavy addictions, etc. I observed that the way they coped with their problems was to turn wholeheartedly to religion. They totally and completely surrendered to it and embraced it without question or reservation.

A great many of them seem to have discovered solace and comfort in the arms of a God they had only recently begun to consider seriously for the first time in their lives. Their experience of God was clearly life changing. It’s as though, in the midst of the confusion and uncertainty of their lives, they found a center or an anchor. And most of the time, they end up joining a Christian sect where they do Bible study, witnessing and other trappings and practices of the Christian religion that the early adherents practiced.

I observe that the newly converted can be quite dogmatic and judgmental, and what some may see as intransigent and unbending in their stand on issues. However, these “born again” Christians do not see it that way. What others see as a closing of their rational thinking or an embrace of new biases, they regard as faithfulness to the word and living their faith in action.

My brother Jesse, lamenting such behavior, put it this way: “Those who never had solid catechism when they were growing up and embrace the faith only as adults, cling to it in a way that betrays a lack of depth of understanding and compassion.”

They see everything in black and white, with no shades of gray. Their faith is often simplistic: those who believe in what they believe are saved, and the rest will burn in Hell, for that is the word of God.

On the other hand, I have also seen classmates and friends who, despite undergoing solid catechism lessons while we were growing up, and even taking their religion seriously for the most part of their lives, have decided to leave the Church, their faith in the God they grew up with in shambles. They have outgrown God, as they knew Him. Furthermore, they are incensed at the behavior of Church leaders, especially on issues regarding the handling of pedophilia cases, gay acceptance and the RH Bill.

It took many years for them to finally admit that they had doubts about their faith and are now ready to leave it for greater authenticity. In their new experience, God is as real as ever, unfolding in the modern world, but they have stopped buying into the narrow, intolerant views of the Church leadership who claim to represent God. They want to experience God without the middleman, outside the franchise of religion.

So we have the once-heathen who now embrace the faith, and the once-faithful who now abandon it. I can understand it when both claim they come from an honest place regarding their new beliefs, and yet they can be so far apart in their understanding of the nature of God and how to act this out in the world.

I have a conservative classmate who told me that his belief in the catechism as he learned it in grade school, had not changed in any way up to now. He is 60 years old. That got me to thinking about one of the earliest lessons I learned in catechism and it is the answer to the question, “Why are we here on earth?” The answer we were taught was, “To know, love and serve God.”

Everyone who takes his faith seriously (whatever it is) probably keeps this mantra close to his heart. But the problem lies in the fact that we do not all know God in the same way, and so there is confusion in how to love and serve God. If your experience is of a petty, punishing, judgmental God, you will probably act in a petty, judgmental way. The experience of a generous God will make one more inclusive and welcoming of others who are different from you.

Perhaps it is not enough to believe in a God. One’s belief must be accompanied by great humility in knowing that one’s knowledge and understanding of God is minuscule and limited. And because of this, one must grant that other people’s understanding of God are valid and true as well. I am talking about tolerance here, without which there is a hardening of positions which, when you think about it, is a form of spiritual materialism, where it becomes a contest of whose God is bigger, and right.

If people of faith do not take this stance, the tolerance and humility so necessary for us to live with other believers and be good servants of God, fly out the window, and hostility and hatred set in. Strangely, all this can and does happen in the name of God.

The average person knows the wisdom of tolerance and that is why so many reacted negatively to the attempt to ban Lady Gaga’s concert. Those who marinate in misguided religious fervor miss the message that the foundation of every religion is peace and goodwill to all men. They marinate in their own pride and self-righteousness, in the process whipping up their own hysteria against those who differ from them.

It seems the mystics were correct when they said that God and ego cannot exist in the same place. We have to kill ego and put humility in its place for God to claim the space.

Then, maybe, we can really know, love, and serve God as He deserves to be known, loved and served.

If health is wealth, how best to spend it?

HUMMING IN MY UNIVERSE By Jim Paredes (The Philippine Star) Updated May 20, 2012

Lately, I’ve been hearing upsetting news about classmates, friends and relatives my age who are suffering from serious health problems. While I know that we have reached the age of greater vulnerability, it is still quite unsettling when it happens.

In the late 1950s, when my classmates and I were in prep classes at the Ateneo, we would run down the corridors and climb the monkey bars in the schoolyard with glee and with mischief on our minds. We were bubbling with life. Our cup of health was running over like a fountain that would never dry up. Youth was what we were all about — boisterous, carefree, wild and unhampered. We were in the pink of health.

Getting old, being sick with life-altering illnesses never crossed our young minds. We could not relate to the idea of a life-long illness. If it came to mind at all, such a thought was immediately dismissed as something that happened to other people who were older and distant. And if accidents did happen to people we knew, we thought that they would just magically bounce back the way they did in cartoons. Everyone could get fixed up like new by doctors, and all in a short time.

The march of time has made many of my contemporaries less healthy. Diabetes, cancer, emphysema, arthritis and various aches, pains and medical conditions have slowed down a number of us. It is to be expected. Like an old car, body and engine parts begin to perform less than their optimum levels and become brittle.

Graying, hairlines receding to total baldness, protruding stomachs, weight gain, wrinkles, poor eyesight, slower movements and memory lapses are getting more common. And we laugh when we notice these in ourselves, feeling collective comfort that we are all going through these together.

We are learning to accept the symptoms of aging, since, quite frankly, we have no choice. And acceptance is not a one-time event. It happens in stages of increasing gravity and we are forced to deal with it more and more as we are faced with less and less physical capabilities. The thing about health is, it is always in flux and demands constant reassessment.

In hindsight, my personal approach to health has been realistic and probably correct. I knew in my 40s that my body had reached its apex, health-wise. I remember Dr. Alran Bengzon telling me that my state of health then was as good as it could get. In other words, it was going to be downhill from then on, and what was important was how I could slow down the descent. That made me hopeful since I was rather healthy and did not have any of the great contributors to health decline like smoking, high blood pressure and stress. I had quit smoking more than 20 years earlier. And in the years that followed, I was exercising, biking, stretching, doing weekend scuba dives and had taken up meditation.

But I always worried about my heart since cardiac arrest, heart attacks and strokes are nasty things that have happened to elders on both sides of my family. Around five years back, I underwent stress tests in Sydney to see how healthy my heart was. After the tests, the doctor gave the thumbs up and said that I was healthy enough to pick up tennis as a sport, and theoretically, I was strong enough to make love after playing three sets! Needless to say, I felt very good about that.

These days, I hardly indulge in heavy exercise. My regimen is simple: eat healthy foods, do daily meditation, rest when I need to, get a good sleep and execute 80 push-ups daily. When in Sydney, I bike occasionally. I also like to walk. But more importantly, I try to be engaged with life by doing things I am passionate about. I like to be around people, especially with my loved ones, do photography, sing, write music, read books and write essays, teach, conduct workshops, and look for opportunities to laugh out loud.

Growing old gracefully is tough to do and does not come easily to many people. In my case, meditation and my own spiritual journey have led me to argue less with time and accept more easily that I will be progressively vulnerable to health problems as I age. I will also look less youthful and appealing, feel less healthy and more mortal as the years pass. And that is okay by me. Frankly, I think I have done a pretty good job coming to terms with aging, so far. I surely still have my vanities, but I have been indulging these to a much lesser degree.

I probably have ample good years left before serious health issues really slow me down. I still want to do many things. On my wish list is for Lydia and me to do the long El Camino Santiago de Compostela trek from France to Spain spread out over a few weeks. I still like to travel, and I want to be around and healthy enough to enjoy more grandchildren.

A quote attributed to the Gautama Buddha reads: “Every human being is the author of his own health or disease.” The healer, Carolyn Myss added to this: “Your Biology is your biography.”

While we are largely responsible for our health, we must also recognize the influence of bad genes that we have inherited. Yes, things can and do go wrong even when we take care of our bodies. But even so, with proper attention and control, we can take care of our bodies and avoid serious issues as far as we can. I am not talking about a fanatical obsession with health. I ascribe to what the American journalist Sydney J. Harris wrote: “Those obsessed with health are not healthy; the first requisite of good health is a certain calculated carelessness about oneself.”

“Health is wealth” we have been told since we were kids. But while we must tend to our health, a body’s got to have a life, too. From a book whose title I can’t recall (probably due to aging), the author cheekily pointed out that while the body is a temple, it can also be a nightclub! What good is being alive if all you do is stay at home, or avoid all the fun for fear of getting sick?

So if you are healthy, go and enjoy that extra large slice of steak, and that night out with friends once in a while. If you are not, at a certain age, it shouldn’t matter too much anymore. So let’s live it up and enjoy what we can while we can. Health, like wealth, will have to be spent inevitably. It can’t be passed on to your loved ones. And you can’t take it with you.

Let’s talk about money

HUMMING IN MY UNIVERSE By Jim Paredes (The Philippine Star) Updated May 13, 2012 12:00 AM

I have been wanting to write about money since it is the one thing we all deal with in our lives. We all have a relationship with money.

Money, as the song goes, makes the world go around. Money, as the saying goes, is also the root of all evil. Money changes everything, says Cyndi Lauper. If you look for quotes about money on the Internet, you will find a lot, and most of them, per many people’s experience, are quite true.

When I was growing up, I had very little money. My baon for school was barely enough for a complete meal and a soda, and I had to save enough for the bus ride home. But I didn’t feel deprived. Not at all. The world was simpler then. Many things were free. We did not have to buy bottled water. Gasoline was dirt cheap. We spent nothing to make phone calls. A date with your college girlfriend was simple and inexpensive. And Quezon City where we lived was so uncongested I did not mind taking long walks and enjoying the open space and fresh air. And so I saved money on bus fare.

In today’s world, it’s hard to imagine life without money. Everything costs a lot more today than 40 years ago. And aside from what you can’t live without — food, shelter, water, electricity, medicine, transportation — everywhere you turn, commerce has something tantalizing to sell to you that you’re supposed to need.

With many people feeling they have little money to spare even for the basic stuff, life has indeed become a pressure cooker. You struggle to stay afloat in a sea of expenses. And as you watch the affluent spend money with ease and with nary a care, you could feel shut out of the so-called best things that life can offer.

I know many people for whom the main (and almost sole) aim in life is the accumulation of wealth. They claim that they are doing what they can to save money for a better future for themselves and their families. So they work very hard while they deprive themselves of many comforts they could actually opt to have, just to save money.

I am kind of like that, but to a lesser degree. I work really hard at what I commit to. In good or bad times, I can manage to live quite simply and frugally, more or less. I am not a slave of fashion and do not feel compelled to go with the crowd on many things. I enjoy eating in cheap restaurants, and I do not mind buying pre-owned stuff. This perhaps comes from my middle-class upbringing and growing up in a big family where I had to wear hand-me-downs.

Once in a while, I spend on something expensive like a laptop, a camera or some new gadget. But when I do, I know I will get my money back since I use what I buy to make money, or at least to pay for what I spent on it. I fret when I have little cash, not so much because I fear hardship for myself but more because I do not want my family to be inconvenienced.

I once had a student in one of my workshops who told us he had lost about P100 million in a business venture and he was now down to his last P60 million. The other participants with way humbler means listened in utter disbelief. Was he telling us that he is now “poor” with just his “last” P60 million left? That brought us to the realization about money and wealth — that wealth and abundance are not fixed sums. Abundance is our attitude about what we have. To the very rich, a million pesos is nothing. To most people, it is a big deal. And yes, it takes a truly wise and evolved person to know how much money is “enough.”

In raising my kids, I always made sure they accounted for every centavo of change when I asked them to buy something. It was not as much a lesson in accounting as it was in honesty. I wanted them to learn that money is not something to be casual about. And stealing is a no-no under any circumstance. Whether you steal five centavos or P5 million, it is stealing.

No matter how many times I have heard stories about how people’s lives turned miserable after winning big in the lotto, I still want to win loads of money since I “know” (like everyone else it seems) that I will handle things differently if I win. I will be generous and share it with family and friends. I will donate to charity. I will help the poor. I will donate to the needy.

It’s so easy to make promises when the money is not there yet. But I have asked myself many times, if I ever actually happened to win the lotto, how many of the promises I have made myself will I actually keep? Will I feel “deprived” giving a portion of my wealth away? Will I have anxieties about being generous?

Money issues, according to chakra teacher Carolyn Myss, can hit us physically in our gut and genital area. When we worry about money, we feel it in those low chakras where survival concerns are dealt with. Watch how your tummy tightens when you think of money problems. We can’t begin to go up and cultivate the higher chakras if pressing matters are unresolved down below.

Our attitude towards money says a lot about us. I have met many people who discovered the “true” character of otherwise “decent” people after arguments and differences about money. For many, money is the test. People have cheated, lied and killed for money. Presidents, chief justices, judges, businessmen, holy men, etc. are subjected to the test not just once but many times. And yes, a great many of them have failed.

We like to say that money can’t buy happiness and proof of that is there are many poor people who are generally happier than the rich. That could be true. But with money, one has a choice to suffer the misery of one’s choosing — drugs, sex, gambling or any addiction one fancies. And when you are through messing up, you have the money to clean up the mess. There are those who believe that even the miserable state of one’s spirit can be rescued if you have money. There’s rehab, and once you are “fixed,” you can enjoy your money better.

I am constantly reminding myself that when you get down to it, money is simply a form of energy. It can’t be left unused for long, otherwise, it dissipates. Money must be spent, and while many will advise that it must be spent to make more of it, I think that it should also be spent for something as simple as “joy.” There is the joy of family bonding, the joy of travel, the joy of learning, the joy of indulging in a passion. Choose your joy. One need not quantify or account for these expenses scrupulously since, in truth, they are worth more than we realize.

Money is good for many things but not for all. And one must be wise to know when it serves us well and when it doesn’t. The sooner we develop a right attitude towards money, the better we will be. I read a quote on the net from an unknown source which goes, “If a person gets his attitude toward money straight, it will help straighten out almost every other area in his life.”

Many make the mistake of going for money as an end in itself. Mark wrote in the gospel, “For what does it profit a man if he gained the world but loses his soul?” Indeed.

A more effective quote that sobers me up is from a robber’s common spiel which goes, “Your money, or your life?” We must always be aware when the choice has gone down to this, and know how to choose.

Strangers in our midst

HUMMING IN MY UNIVERSE By Jim Paredes (The Philippine Star) Updated May 06, 2012

Illustration by REY RIVERA

The Dalai Lama preaches compassion. So does Jesus. And so do many other spiritual teachers. Mostly, they speak of a universal love or compassion for humanity which, in the Dalai Lama’s case, involves every sentient being on earth.

As much as I have tried to consciously cultivate a spiritual practice along those lines, I do not know if I can ever love ALL of humanity. Sure, it is easy to love certain people, especially if they are easy to love, for whatever reason. They could be good- looking, pleasant, affable, or they could fit into certain stereotypes that appeal to our collective cultural psyche that makes them loveable.

It is a fact that not everyone is lovable, or at least not that easily lovable. Some people may appear obnoxious or despicable in our eyes, and some may just be too culturally different. The wide swathe that separates us may be too wide. It could be a religious, racial or social divide that makes rapport close to impossible. The best that can happen is a polite ignoring of each other.

What has always interested me is how people can bridge this gap so that there is more communication, rapport, and perhaps, eventually, an openness to greater compassion.

There’s just too much misunderstanding, distrust, and fear in this world so I try my best not to contribute to heightening it further. Or at least, I try to be conscious enough to remind myself to temper the negativity.

I want to share with you my experience with strangers. I am generally open to strangers. To me, it’s a conscious step towards more compassion.

I have mostly had good, pleasant experiences with strangers. A number of times I have found myself in inconvenient situations where I needed to reach out and ask for help from people I did not know and I am amazed and grateful at how helpful many of them have been.

People have stopped in the rain to help me push a stalled car. In foreign places, strangers have pointed me to the right train or street, the better store with the better bargain. Once, on a bus in Brussels, passengers actually shelled out money when my group and I did not have the local currency to pay for our fare.

More often than not, you can have a decent conversation (at times, even an interesting one) with a total stranger you meet in an airport, a train station or anywhere else. I recently had an eight-hour stopover in Kuala Lumpur and found myself not running out of stories chatting with a man I had just met. We talked about issues that were important to us, our children and spouses, and life in general. By the time we boarded the plane, it felt like we’d been friends for a while.

It is quite easy for us to open up to people we do not know. For one, we have no shared history. We have no past to refer to and that is good. The past is often the place where we have formed judgments, opinions, and biases about people we know. And these limit our appreciation of who they are or could be. Whatever we hear or see about persons we already know is filtered through our set impressions of them.

Maybe it’s because we are not comfortable with surprises or we do not want to be disappointed, or be proven wrong in our judgments. We want a predictable world of relationships and so we feel safe putting people in pigeonholes. Fairly or unfairly, everyone is reduced to a judgment. In our eyes, for example, anyone who has committed a hideous crime like rape or murder will always be a rapist and a murderer. They will never live that down no matter how much they may have repented and have tried to turn a new leaf. Our “common sense” tells us that it is only a matter of time before they do it again.

Sometime ago, I read an essay on pornography and the writer said that that the big no-no about porn is not the sex. Sex is a big deal in our being human and almost everyone likes sex. The obscenity about porn is that it distorts reality by reducing it to just one thing. Pornography is ONLY about sexual prurience. There are no real multi-dimensional people making love in porn. There are just body parts, sex organs pleasuring each other. In many ways, one can say that the reduction of the totality and complexity of a person to an act, a characteristic, or an event he may have been involved in comes close to pornography. Don’t you agree?

On three occasions, I have invited complete strangers to my house for dinner. I invited people I did not know through the Internet to share a “night of passion” over dinner and conversation. I always had a great time. Each one of my guests was interesting and had something to share. This exercise has only strengthened my belief that when we bravely open ourselves up, the world decompresses and unravels with all of its gifts and surprises. The good, interesting people show up.

By the same token, I am quite amused when people who have been following me for a long time as a public person are surprised when I sit down with them and we chat extensively. I am taken aback when they say that they are surprised how easy I am to talk to, just like any regular guy. And they say this about almost every famous person they meet and share a moment with.

But isn’t this true of everyone, famous or not? Aren’t people generally friendly? I once summarized this in a book I wrote in a line that reads, “You will know me when you forget my name.” It is my testimony to the false myth of celebrity. Labels, judgments form hierarchies, and breaking them can produce pleasant surprises.

Every time we make the unfamiliar familiar, the unknown known, or when we welcome the strange, the different, the “other” into our zone, we not only learn the art of accommodation, we also actually expand ourselves. We get more comfortable with the diversity, the mystery and open-endedness of others, and of life and all its peculiarities. Soon we begin to notice in us an openness to new music, art, books, types of people, ideas, and beliefs that can only enrich us.

I would like to end by sharing the following inspiring thought from The Perpetual Calendar of Inspiration, a book of quotes by Vera Nazarian:

On the late afternoon streets, everyone hurries along, going about their own business. Who is the person walking in front of you on the rain-drenched sidewalk? He is covered with an umbrella, and all you can see is a dark coat and the shoes striking the puddles. And yet this person is the hero of his own life story. He is the love of someone’s life. And what he can do may change the world. Imagine being him for a moment. And then continue on your own way.

* * *

This is your chance to learn to take great pics this summer and all year. I will be having a Basic Photography workshop on Saturday, May 12.

Cost: P3,920

Address: 113 B. Gonzales, Loyola Heights QC

Time: 1 to 6:30 p.m.

* * *

Call Olie at 09168554303 or e-mail me at jpfotojim@gmail.com for inquiries and reservations.

Unconditional Love

Jim Paredes

Humming in my Universe http://philstar.com

Many years ago, when as a young parent I cradled my babies in my arms, awful thoughts of danger would come, and it would immediately occur to me that in case of fire, or something just as horrible, there was nothing I would not do to save them. I would readily have my arm cut off, or even give up my life in exchange for their safety. I had no hesitation whatsoever. That to me was the unconditional love I had as a parent. I would still do it today.

I’m sure many parents feel the same way about their children. Unconditional love is exactly that: love without any conditions; the objects do not have to earn it. From the lover’s point of view, it is given freely, without stipulations, no ifs or buts. And it asks for nothing in return. It only wishes the best of everything for the loved ones.

Unconditional love is something we are always looking for. We all long to have a best friend or lover or a family or community we can go to and experience thorough and full acceptance of who we are. We want a place where we do not have to try and project an image to be wanted, respected, accepted and yes, loved! A safe place where we are completely welcome and completely at home just as we are.

We are not twisted, folded, bent, cut down or forced in any way to be anything else or to fit into anyone’s expectations. We are simply who we are. And THAT feels great!

In my opinion, persons who can allow or accept other people to be who they are have made great strides as human beings. They have surely come to an acceptance of themselves, embracing their strengths, good qualities and positive traits, but more importantly, also their weaknesses, imperfections and even neuroses. They have made peace with both the desirable and despicable aspects of their own personalities.

One can tell when people have not traveled deep into their journey of self-acceptance. They are usually a bit too judgmental and harsh with other people’s foibles and errors. I believe that what we find ugly and despicable in others may have to do with parts of ourselves that we cannot accept or forgive. By the same token, what we find attractive in others are projections of ourselves playing out and ‘affirming’ us.

It takes a truly great spiritual being to live a life that is free from judging the actions of others. Maybe some zen monks and priests, rabbis and other religious practitioners can do it. But most of us find ourselves often judging others, and we probably always will.

This brings me back to unconditional love. Why is it that when our kids grow up, we find the unconditional love we had for them when they were little replaced with expectations of responsibility, achievement and performance? Whatever happened to accepting them just as they are, no matter what happens? What’s happened to us, or what happened to them? Why the change?

I think about this often and I have some thoughts I wish to share. Love is not always a passive act of accepting people as they are. When we love, we wish the best of everything for our loved ones. And so we give them tools for living that will help them to be happy and functional in life. That means teaching them not just the warm and fuzzy things that are associated with love but also the hard stuff they need to learn like sacrifice, delaying gratification, controlling emotions and drives, etc.

This is tough love, that side of love that many people would rather turn away from, for fear that their loved ones will not understand and reject them. But tough love is useful and it is necessary to dish it out at some point.

What would our children be if all we give them is the love that makes them soft, comfortable and sweet, but unable to negotiate through the vicissitudes of life? The love we teach must be honest, and furthermore, complete. Love entails sacrifice and as much as we practice it on our kids, they must learn to pick it up and see its value. Love has to do what love has to do, and by that I mean, we must do the hard work it entails.

Love has a face that is easy to accept. It also has another face which demands that we all grow up and appreciate its harsher, less pleasant countenance. Otherwise, love would be mere compassion without wisdom, what the philosopher Ken Wilber calls ‘idiot compassion’. Duke Ellington described it graphically when he said, “Love is supreme and unconditional; like is nice and limited.”

Love is wonderful when we are rewarded for the love we give. But it gets difficult when our children turn out to be disappointments and let us down. When we wake up to the fact that our children have not turned out the way we wanted them to, the toughest part of unconditional love either steps up to the plate or recoils and withdraws and becomes cynical.

Our loved ones can disappoint us because we have expectations to begin with. Is it wrong to have expectations? I do not know. But yes, I do have expectations of my children and I know that many of them have not and will not be met. I also know that my parents had expectations of me that I did not achieve. I also had expectations of myself that I failed to do or become. I also continuously fail in many things in my everyday personal life.

The difference between how I feel about my disappointments in myself then and now, is that I can now let go of them much easily. I will not waste time living with regret. When I can let go, I know I am complete and do not have to cling to an ideal of perfection. I am simply ME. I am sure that, for everything I may have missed out on, there has been something gained. And as much as possible, I try to apply the same attitude when it comes to how I feel about my loved ones.

To complete these musings on unconditional love, I quote a snippet of dialogue from the movie ‘Unconditional Love’ that I picked up on the net.

Dirk Simpson: I don’t believe in unconditional love, I mean, what is it anyway? Cut off my ears, steal my money and I’ll love you anyway?

Grace Beasley: Yes, and more.

Dirk Simpson: More?

Grace Beasley: You don’t have to love me back.###

1) To my Singapore readers, I will be doing a one afternoon workshop there on April 28. It will be fun and we will learn a lot from each other. Call Earla Aquino at +65-82336595 for details. Reserve now. A few slots left.

2) Manila readers, I will have a Basic Photo Workshop on May 14 from 1 to 6 p.m. in QC, P3,920. Call 0916-8554303 and ask for Olie, or write me at jpfotojim@gmail.com for more details.

In praise of housework

HUMMING IN MY UNIVERSE By Jim Paredes (The Philippine Star) Updated April 15, 2012

Someone tweeted me the other day with the message, “I hope the housework has been kind to you…. LOL.”

She was referring to life here in Sydney where people have no household help and thus do all the work at home. Here, cleaning, washing dishes, wiping the tables, checking the mail, taking out the trash, doing the laundry, fixing the beds, cooking, mowing the lawn, and other mundane chores are all part of the daily routine.

Pinoys who live abroad often complain about having to do all these chores and not having time left for what they really want to. Although I agree with them and count myself among those who whine about housework, I do so with some reservation. Because, well, I admit, I often (okay, sometimes) enjoy housework.

This article is in praise of the unglamorous, repetitive, and often regarded as insignificant task that is housework.

I grew up in Manila and our family always had maids or kasambahay. They came to the family when they were very young and stayed on until they died or retired at an old age. The family treated them well. In fact, they became part of our family. When Inay, the oldest of my Mom’s house help died, my Mom gave up her own memorial plan to be used for Inay’s wake and burial.

At home in Manila, our Nita has been with us for 26 years. The other kasambahay and the driver have also stayed for almost that long. They are now getting old and we are looking after their medical needs.

When Lydia and I were married, we rented an apartment and decided we did not want household help. We wanted to be alone and do things for ourselves. But when we had our first child and moved to our own house, which was bigger and had a garden, we decided that we needed help.

But here in Sydney, we do everything mostly ourselves. Lydia, who has stayed here longer than I have and who has higher standards of cleanliness, functionality and aesthetics, does a lot of things herself. She knows every nook and cranny of the house and the things in it and is aware of what needs fixing, improving or changing. In the process, she has learned some rudimentary carpentry, and she can assemble and disassemble furniture, fix cabinets, align drawers, upholster chairs. She also sews, fixes curtains, paints the interiors of our house, mows the lawn, trims the hedge, etc.

Although I can also do a lot of those things (okay, maybe only some) I admit I play second fiddle to her. In other words, Lydia is the boss and I follow her instructions.

But I do feel some secret joy in sweeping the terrace, scrubbing the floor or mopping the living area. I feel good doing physical work. For one, it gets me off my butt and makes my body active. Housework can be compared to a workout except that one is not dressed for the gym and doing repetitive movements with machines. I also experience a thrill in seeing previously shabby, dirty areas looking spotless after I am done with them.

Aside from the pride I feel about a job well done, there is a spiritual dimension to housework. There is a Zen story where a student asked an old master what Zen was. The master answered by saying, “Get that stick and clean the shit over there.”

If you were expecting a deep answer, I hope you are not disappointed. Zen, in its simplicity, can sound anywhere from cheeky to perplexing with appropriate answers to someone looking for a special spiritual high or an esoteric experience. Zen is not about active seeking or attaining some spiritual peak but doing what needs to be done, and doing it with full attention and presence. And in the process, maybe a great transcendent realization may happen.

Washing the dishes in a quiet moment and being one with the experience is suggestive of a religious metaphor. It is like confession or baptism where one’s sins or imperfections are washed away clean and one is restored anew. It makes me feel good.

The Benedictines say, “Ora et Labora,” “To labor is to pray.” I agree. The sayings about earning one’s keep or singing for one’s supper may be old school but it is perennially true. Work is good for both the body and the soul. There is a good feeling that accompanies a body that is aching due to work when it rests at the end of the day. Something was earned and it was done in an honest way.

At the same time, however, I can understand the common resistance to doing physical work. It is hard, uncomfortable, it strains the body, and can give it pain. I do not seek it nor do I always volunteer to do it, but when I have to, I resign myself and do the best I can. When that moment of resignation is reached, I welcome the opportunity and immerse myself in the task, even enjoying the sweat my body produces from the physical activity.

“Sweat cleanses from the inside. It comes from places a shower will never reach,” wrote the late author-runner-philosopher George Sheehan. How true. A drink of water after working replenishes the body in such a basic way. Compare that to just sitting around aimlessly drinking a soda or sipping coffee while doing nothing.

There is something spiritual that underlies all the biological activity, if we care to listen to it. Every movement is best done purposefully, especially if it is hard to do. That is the way to make the job better and to feel better about doing it. You cannot enjoy it if all you want is to finish it as soon as possible.

Lastly, a word about laziness. I agree with the late psychiatrist and best-selling author M. Scott Peck, that laziness has to be the biggest sin of all. To only seek pleasure and shun all work, to not want to try at all is to turn away from life itself.

To cap, François Gaston, Duc de Lévis, who commanded the French forces in Canada in the 1700s, had this to say about work: “Boredom is a sickness the cure for which is work; pleasure is only a palliative.”

Now you’ll have to excuse me while I store some boxes in the garage.

* * *

1) To my Singapore readers, I will be doing a one afternoon workshop there on April 28. It will be fun and we will learn a lot from each other. Call Earla Aquino at +65-82336595 for details. Reserve now. A few slots left.

2) Manila readers, I will have a Basic Photo Workshop on May 14 from 1 to 6 p.m. in QC, P3,920. Call 0916-8554303 and ask for Olie, or write me at jpfotojim@gmail.com for more details.

The truth about Easter

HUMMING IN MY UNIVERSE By Jim Paredes (The Philippine Star) Updated April 08, 2012 12:00 AM Comments

There are certain words that can strike fear into a person's heart, words such as failure, loss, rejection, inadequacy, inability, to name a few. We may lose a job, a whole career, a loved one, a position, prestige, money, etc. Or we may fail at tasks that matter, or even at our life's mission.

Experiences of rejection could happen in school, at work, in our social circles, the family. We could even judge and reject ourselves as not being good enough.

There are also experiences when we will feel we have bitten off more than we can chew and this makes us feel somewhat inadequate and humbled.

We will surely experience such situations in our lives, sometimes even repeatedly. And yes, the pain in such experiences cuts deep and can be so demoralizing that we could remain stuck and unable to recover our bearing or zest to move on.

We could fall in a spiral of depression and self-loathing. Some people suffer nervous breakdowns. In certain tragic instances, it could even be fatal. We have heard of people who have committed suicide after suffering a great personal setback.

Pain and suffering are part of the topography of life's journey. It starts in paradise where all is rosy and cozy. But sooner or later, we get kicked out of it and lose our innocence, and that's when real life begins. We wander through the alternating harshness and comforts of life's seasons, its valleys and peaks, its deserts and lushness, its graces and curses. And the only relief from this roller coaster ride is to decide to live with whatever shows up until we can finally embrace it. Perhaps one of the greatest realizations ever uttered by man is the all-too-common expression, "That's life." It sums up the baffling unevenness, the cruelties and ironies of life, its joys and sadness, the triumphs and tribulations we are bound to encounter.

Our experience of life, as philosophers describe it, is dualistic. There is good and there is bad. We necessarily live on both sides of these opposite dichotomies. If we have never seen night, we would not be aware what day is like. If we do not know wet, how can we begin to describe what dry is, or even think of it as a unique state? We only know things because we have experienced their opposites. And often we adjust to this with great difficulty.

I have read about and observed how some religious practices handle this conundrum of duality. (I am writing this a few days before Easter, by the way.) In the Christian world, this is a time of the year when believers ponder the suffering and death of Jesus and His resurrection on Easter Sunday.

An intriguing observation about Easter is this: we desire and strive so hard to be powerful and, yes, God-like, while God had this great desire to be human like us. God was willing to trade his immortality to experience mortality — through his son. One of the many ironic and paradoxical messages here is, one must be willing to die so that one may really live, even through others. Here, the idea of handling duality is choosing one over the other. One must choose life over death, good over evil.

Visiting Kathmandu many years ago, I witnessed, with great fascination, a Hindu death ceremony. On a platform inside the Hindu temple, a corpse was set on a funeral pyre. While this was going on, by the Bhagmati River which runs through the temple, I saw a dead man being washed in preparation for the next cremation. And in the same river, I watched children swimming, a woman washing clothes, a man urinating, and peasants diving in the water for pieces of clothing that the relatives of the dead man on the cremation platform had been throwing prior to disposing of his ashes, also in the Bhagmati River, which merges with the great Ganges in India, the final resting place of Hindus.

I was amazed at the richness and diversity of the activities that were happening all in the same setting. My take on this is that in the Hindu faith, life and death are interconnected. There is no separating one from the other. In everything that was happening all was the "suchness" of being alive. In the Hindu religion, the sacred and profane, sadness and happiness, loss and gain, death and life are all valid forces playing out within one arena.

In Zen practice, there are koans given by the teacher to the students to deepen their understanding of Zen and life itself. Koans are deeply intriguing questions or stories that can immediately baffle a student and force him to get out of a rational, logical mode of thinking and approach the koan with full intuition and a beginner's mind. One famous koan goes, "What is the sound of one hand clapping?" Anyone who hears this is immediately stumped and will, almost always, try to swing one hand to attempt what is literally being asked.

But that response can only bring the student further from the truth it is pointing at. My understanding of this koan is that it is a question aimed at duality itself. It asks what life and everything would be like without an opposite.

Sooner than later, the question will make one think, shake his head and ask why everyone seems to be stuck in the preposterous ideal of aiming for a perfect life. A clap is, after all, produced by two opposing forces coming head on. So all our frantic attempts at trying to escape duality by shunning, rejecting and eliminating all sadness, loss, rejection and other unpleasant stuff, and keeping only the so-called good experiences, will seem like madness. Surely, it is impossible to run away from these. But still we keep trying.

The only escape from such madness is to accept everything as part of the lock, stock and barrel of life and so it stops being dualistic. No more conditions. Everything and everyone are welcome and seen as bearing gifts (although we may balk at some gifts). Life comes in an entire set, with nothing excluded. All is one.

I have a rather nuanced appreciation of Easter that I wish to share. Easter is replete with themes of triumph, redemption, and yes, celebration. But Easter was only possible because there was suffering and death and resurrection that went with it. Life, whether it be Jesus' or anyone else's, would be meaningless without suffering.

And it takes "faith" for both the secular and religious to believe that life can and does get better, and that people have the spiritual capacity to rise over loss, rejection and failure.

That to me is the great truth about Easter that everyone from any religious persuasion can appreciate.

Happy Easter to every sentient being on earth.