Jim Paredes's Blog, page 23

Accidents happen

HUMMING IN MY UNIVERSE By Jim Paredes (The Philippine Star) | Updated November 25, 2012 -



Illustration by REY RIVERA

The electric bike I ordered finally arrived Wednesday last week. I took it for a spin on my street, not even 50 meters from my house. On the way back, I lost my balance, fell and hit my face on the asphalt pavement.

It was quite a bump. I felt like I had been hit by Manny Pacquiao. I was not wearing a helmet since I did not have one and it was just a short test run I was doing. I was going to buy one the next day.

I know. Sometimes, I do stupid things.

I stood up from the fall feeling shocked and a bit disoriented. I went into the house, looked at the mirror, saw a small head wound. My teeth were intact and I decided it was nothing. But upon the insistence of my eight-year-old grandchild Ananda, who saw my head, arm and leg wounds, I went to the emergency room at Medical City to be looked over. My head was hurting and I felt a loss of sensation on the left side of my face.

After the doctors treated my wounds — which included six stitches to my face — I had to undergo a CT scan. The doctors saw around four or five fractures that looked worrisome but were not deemed to be life threatening or an emergency case. I was sent home with prescriptions and was told to come back on Monday.

Yesterday, I went to see two doctors: Benjie Cabrera who did my cataract lens replacement a few years ago; and Alfonso Bengzon, an ophthal-plastic surgeon who looked at my scans and explained my injuries to me. The good news is that my eyes are intact and unhurt. They then sent me to Dr. Rey Casile, head of EENT of St Luke’s, to get his opinion on whether or not I need surgery. He patiently confirmed the fractures to my facial bones and explained their implications.

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Rey Casile told me that I have two options: one is to leave things alone since it is not a life-threatening condition. However, he could not guarantee possible and unforeseen consequences as I age. The other is to opt for an operation where titanium plates will be used to repair parts of my cheekbones and left eye socket, which were damaged by my fall. He explained that when I heal, I will be close to being intact, good as new.

Lydia and I listened and after weighing the options, we told the doctor that we are opting for the operation. When you read this, the operation will be over and I will probably be sore, bruised and puffy in the face, but hopefully, recovering well.

It comforts me little to hear how simple this operation is as described by Dr. Casile. It is still a surgical intrusion. And the very thought of going through an operation is quite daunting. There is the fear factor of being cut up. But more than that, there is the inconvenience of recovering and the time that will take is a challenge, to say the least. I will need to muster courage, but more than that, I will need a lot of patience while I count the days and weeks until I am completely healed.

The accident and its consequences have made me realize a number of things. One is, it is difficult to be human — and fragile.

I am also reminded that I am aging. While I am healthy and fit, my reflexes are no longer what they used to be in my 20s. Even if I pride myself on being healthy, there are limitations to what the body can do at different times in one’s life. And the older one gets, the more limitations crop up.

How is it that when we were young, we wished we were a bit older because we wanted to enjoy the perks that older people seemed to have? The young envy those older because they see financial security, status, wisdom and “making it.” They hardly appreciate the time their elders spent acquiring all of the above.

I was quite amused when my grandchild expressed envy because I could watch movies for free, just by showing my senior citizen’s card. Truly, youth is wasted on the young. Thankfully, one gets wiser about this as one gets older.

Another important thing I learned from this accident is to be more awake, aware and conscious about what I am doing. I can’t be too casual about things anymore. As Jerry Perez de Tagle, a motivator, once put it, “Casualness produces casualties.” It is important to remember this. Applying it to my life at this stage, I must be more focused on how and where I use my energies. The clock is ticking. If I don’t want to go quietly and be one of the last people still standing at the age I go, I must be more careful about how I handle my body.

This accident happened so quickly. In one second, my life has been altered, and not in an insignificant way. I am lucky these are the only injuries I got. It could have been worse, much worse. I could have hit my head and suffered a brain injury. I think of those who, at the prime of health and their youthful power (e.g., soldiers in Afghanistan), suddenly lose a leg stepping on a landmine. It happens in a flash. Their lives get completely shaken and are irrevocably altered. Nothing is the same. These kinds of unexpected incidents happen more often than we realize.

I could milk this for all the pain, suffering and self-pity I can get out of it, or I could see it as an unexpected, undesired imposition that bears important, unexpected gifts meant to teach me something.

While I may have been generally lucky and blessed throughout my life so far, I realize that one can’t live life without some suffering. I am still in some pain right now because of the fall. There are reasons to whine and complain and be cantankerous. And it would be understandable. But I also know that while things can and do happen beyond our control, we are 100 percent in charge of what to make of it and how to deal with it.

In the end, things hinge on our ability to be able to distinguish between an event and an experience. Events are things that happen, many of which we can do little about. Experience is our definition of what an event in our lives was all about. This is where we have the fullest autonomy.

Renovating our home and future

Humming in My Universe, Philippine Star updated Nov. 18, 2012

By Jim Paredes

We are having renovations done at our home. The building we constructed some 18 years ago which became my office and recording studio is being torn down. It has seen its best and worst of times and we decided to demolish it completely.

We opted to do this after Ondoy unleashed so much water that flooded about a foot of the structure, destroying documents, equipment, furniture, memorabilia, and leaving the entire area permanently damp, mouldy and depressing. Prior to Ondoy, it had leaking walls that were being perenially repaired. It was time to tear it down. To leave it as is would be to condemn valuable space to something unliveable and even undesirable to enter. In its place we are building a two-storey structure that will be a kind of activity and recreation center where I will hold my workshops. It will also have two guest rooms on the second floor.

It seems strange to be adding this structure to our residence when our three kids are already living away. But as parents, we want to make sure that there will be enough room when the family gets together and for the times in the future when they visit with their new families in tow. Secretly, we wish that a newly renovated home will entice them to visit more often and stay longer.

There is something about construction that gets my wife Lydia excited. She is the kind who sees potential in any available space. She can picture structures, rooms, and her understanding of feng shui and how space flows into space is natural and correct. She knows what furniture to get and how to match them with decor. She appreciates layouts, fashion, and can pinpoint interesting areas in the plans, while it takes me awhile just to make sense of an architectural design. Even just getting my North and South bearings while looking at a layout is a major challenge.

Lydia has taken the lead in every construction, renovation or house repair we’ve had done in the past 35 years. I mainly set the budget and make sure everything is within what we can afford.

There is something more than meets the eye when people embark on a construction or a major renovation. It is like shuffling cards. One looks for new deals, or different configurations to continue to ‘play’. People look for a new setting to interact in, a new physical context and ambience to live the next portion of their lives in. And new rooms and renovations provide that.

And as in real life, there are many things one must do to get from one physical/psychological space to another. One must go through a process. Imagine being discontented with your life. You want things to change and you realize soon enough that more than the change happening outside of you, there is a greater call to change something inside you. That something needs to be deconstructed or torn down before anything can take its place.

Old beliefs, attitudes, biases and opinions that have long ago reached their expiration dates must be junked before new ones can come in. One must free not just a physical but more importantly, a psychological space before anything new can be accommodated.

When we were doing major renovations in our house a few years back, I had a miserable time. I hated the idea of not being able to use spaces I used to enjoy. I felt trapped, even claustrophobic, using a much smaller liveable space compared to what I had been used to. And it seemed like the construction would last forever. But slowly, as the house took on a new shape and look, I began to drop my resistance and started to appreciate the ‘new’ house that was coming to life before me.

The psychologist Carl Jung used the metaphor of construction in talking about therapy. He described therapy as something like a renovation. Everything is in a state of flux. There is so much dust in the air. The dust may hide what is going on but you can be sure that something is being fixed, repaired, given a new shape, feel and look, and most importantly, given new uses and functions.

How Lydia goes through the details with the architects is a sight to behold. Bit by bit, I see them discuss the project and how it will be put together, from the drawings, timeline, schedules, permits, materials to be used, colors, shades, textures, designs, touches, etc. I sit quietly in appreciation of the creativity that is unfolding before me. I am comfortable watching them plan everything since, from experience, I have learned to trust two things. One is, Lydia can be quite thorough and focused and will leave almost nothing to chance. Two, I know I can live anywhere, and so how things turn out is less important to me than it is to her. She likes and insists that things be a certain way, and works at it. She takes charge. She is the quality control expert.

Spaces are where lives unravel so it is important how they are laid out. Somehow, the houses we have lived in were more or less happy places that were not only homes to our family but also invited people in. Every house we have staked as our home has had a large share of visitors – people have dropped by, slept over and even stayed for various periods.

Somehow, people are at home and find comfort in our homes, for which we are grateful.

Sad is a huge house that never becomes a real home. Bereft of the soul of its inhabitants, they are cold abodes that do not go beyond the function of simply providing roofs and spaces for its residents. Lacking in warmth and hospitality, the walls do not speak of the many stories that have transpired there. They are functional structures with no soul.

I am confident that this new structure rising at the back of our property will be a natural setting for creativity, bonding and many fun activities that will bring luck and happiness and store good memories for us. Lydia’s efforts will guarantee that. It will not be just a building but a home as well. It will be an awesome place for all who come and visit. Mostly, I am excited at the prospect of our kids, and our grandchildren playing and sleeping there.

Experiencing miracles

HUMMING IN MY UNIVERSE By Jim Paredes (The Philippine Star) | Updated November 11, 2012 – 12:00am

Miracles occur naturally as expressions of love. They are performed by those who temporarily have more for those who temporarily have less.

—A Course in Miracles

I came upon the book A Course in Miracles (ACIM) more than 10 years ago. I still read it from time to time. The quote above always gets to me. We think of miracles as something of divine origin but this quote says they occur when an act of love is done. To the authors, it is somewhat similar to the passing of energy (or “chi”) from an abundant source to someone experiencing scarcity.

Sometimes we find ourselves in a place of abundance. By this I mean abundance that is not just in material resources, but also in other ways such as physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual. It is a powerful feeling, having more than enough of what you need so that you can actually share it without feeling you have lost anything in the process.

It’s wonderful to be in a state of abundance. It’s great to feel generous because you know that you lose nothing by giving. There is more where it came from, whatever it is. It feels like being in a state of wholeness, completeness. And the more you give, the more abundant you feel.

I have experienced abundance as well as a situation of not having enough, or running short on resources — not having enough money or the means to do what one wishes to do, or even spiritual poverty. It is a state of constant frenzy trying to fill a gap that seems impossible to breach. One is always worried, and counting and apportioning meager resources that seem to diminish in value every time one counts them. To not have enough, to be in a place of endless want, is a hellish place. It is like being in a hole that one can seem never to get out of, or in an insecurity that can never be healed.

And often, it makes one feel really bad because it can also bring a feeling of not being enough. It strikes at the very core of one’s self-worth, esteem and sense of being.

In life, no one is on top all the time. There is a funny but apt saying that goes, “Sometimes you are the statue, and sometimes you are the pigeon.” I experienced this acutely in Rome some years back. One night, I was onstage with the APO bowing to an SRO crowd who gave us a standing ovation. The next day, I was brought down to earth when I discovered that someone had picked my pocket and fleeced me of 650 euros — practically all the money I had with me. This brought home to me how fluid and temporary joy can be.

By the same token, no one stays a loser all the time unless one keeps choosing to be one. I know all this from personal experience since I have been on both sides.

Most of us have experienced giving material, emotional, psychological and spiritual generosity towards our fellowmen. We have given, from time to time, financial support to people in need. We have listened to people talk about their problems and seen them light up simply because someone took the time to listen to them. We may have done acts that have inspired others to do similar things.

Often, when I am more “awake” than usual, I am able to see this miracle, this passing of energy from one person to another. It happens when I summon a higher experience of consciousness and open myself to the reality that every moment is a new one that has never happened before and will not happen again, and every encounter I have can be a holy one.

Play with this idea a bit. What if every person you meet was actually sent to you by a divine source to teach you something or give you a message? I emphasize the word “every” here. It literally means everyone, not just people we like, or people who fit in a certain mode that gives comfort or resonance to our perceptions and biases. It includes even the people who turn us off, who are obnoxious, or people we loathe for whatever reason. And of course it also means people who may even hurt, threaten or humiliate us.

It forces us out of our comfort zone to accommodate this kind of reality. I don’t think I can do this 24/7 and it is probably for my own good that I do not. Besides, I am far from being so spiritually evolved that I can do this full-time. But opening ourselves to the miracle from time to time can be a transformative experience.

When I think of the thief who stole my money in Italy, or the people who have deceived me, or hurt me, I ask myself if I learned anything from them. What divine gifts, if any, did they bring me?

On a practical level, I did learn a few things — to be smart about where I hide my money, for example, or to be more careful who I talk to or choose to allow into my personal space. On the divine level, I may have learned that instead of acting instinctively and being angry, I can decide to act instead or merely react. One can choose to have a bigger view, a greater understanding to see the divine hand at play and even take the stance of forgiveness and compassion.

Sure, we can’t help but get angry when bad things happen. And it is okay to express it. But eventually, we must move on to a higher consciousness. To remain bitter, unforgiving, or even to fixate on plotting revenge takes too much energy from us and replaces it with a burning, insatiable want that depletes us of whatever positive life force is inside us. To nurture hatred is something like addictively chewing on a bone that has no sustenance left. We may think we are chewing it but it is actually eating us up.

I leave you with another quote from the book that goes, “What could you not accept, if you but knew that everything that happens, all events, past, present and to come are gently planned by One Whose only purpose is your good?”

If you can believe this, then every encounter you have can be a miraculous event. Something is always passed on and it is both given and received. Miracles happen more often than we think and we can only see them if we are awake to them. Don’t resist the exchange. Whatever you give you receive as well and that’s how you experience miracles every second of your life.

Mortality on my mind

HUMMING IN MY UNIVERSE By Jim Paredes (The Philippine Star) Updated November 04, 2012 12:00 AM

I have been thinking about and examining my body lately. My hair is salt and pepper. My face has a few wrinkles. My teeth are nice. I have a more or less flat stomach. My legs are thin. I have a few attractive cuts when I flex my arms, which I am proud of. My overall health is great. My constitution is strong.

Recently, as part of gym training, I took a gym physical and was astonished at the results. I excelled in most categories, although I failed in two. I was able to do 60 pushups in one minute while the average for anyone my age is 18. But I failed the flexibility test since I can’t make both arms touch each other from the back.

Our bodies are with us from the day we are born. They house our memories, observations, intuition and spirit, and will do so until the day we die. My body, with all its senses and organs, is actually the only way I can experience anything — movement, joy, pain, speed, temperature, sweat, hunger, taste, fullness, lust, saturation, etc. It also houses my finer sensory abilities like intuition and extracting the meaning of things while living a mortal life. It is my door to all experience.

Looking back at how I felt about my body when I was young, I shake my head a bit. When you are young, healthy and at your prime, your body is something you hardly think about. It delivers everything you ask it to. It is tireless, full of stamina to engage in anything, including all the foolishness you can think of. Well, almost all.

In my college days, I smoked for just about a year or two. I gave up the habit under dramatic circumstances. I had a girlfriend whose dad was dying of emphysema and I was stupid enough to enter his hospital room with a cigarette in my mouth. His angry admonition — “Have you no respect for a dying man?” — put an end to my smoking right then and there.

As my girlfriend cried and scolded me for my insensitivity, I meekly crumpled my pack of Marlboros and threw it away. When I think about it now, that was an experience I will be forever thankful for.

In my youth, I could stay up all night and party. I had no trouble sleeping. I ate a lot or skipped meals and never worried about my health. I even tried a few illegal substances in moderation. If I remembered to take my vitamins, I would. I worried occasionally about pimples, or about getting sick during an important event like a prom, but that was about it. I was more attentive to whether I should keep my hair long or short. What an amazingly wonderful existence it was, I can now say, now that I am in my early 60s.

These days, I take extra care of what I eat and try to be healthy to the best that I can. I do not smoke and hardly imbibe alcohol. I do stretches and exercise as regularly as I can. I try to have a positive outlook in life and remain creative and happy. I have few vanities. I like a good haircut, an occasional massage, and comfortable shoes and clothes. As I get older, I find myself seeking more comfort than before.

I have slowed down a bit, but not a lot compared to many people my age. I still do a lot of physical activity — I take long walks and do gym exercises, jog a little, go through lots of grueling travel, conduct workshops, and I can sing for two and a half hours in a concert. I can handle a full schedule without getting tired. But I am not under any illusion that I will be this strong forever.

I have seen many people, young and old, come and go. A once healthy body can and does get sick; it can deteriorate rapidly, and even die. Or an accident can snuff out the life of a person who is physically fit. I am no exception. No one is. Mortality is always on my mind.

As I write this a few days before All Souls’ Day, I think of those who have come and gone and reflect on what life on earth is really all about. I think of life as one brief shining moment when spirit is made flesh and is housed in a physical body. For one human lifetime, spirit is allowed to experience physical, sensorial and sensual pleasures and the pains that they go with. Many times it may even forget its origin as spirit and define itself as a totally material phenomenon.

If you are of the Christian tradition, you will agree that even God wanted this experience of living in a human body. Jesus did.

The Christian faith says we have one shot at life. The Buddhists say we reincarnate continuously to perfection. I really do not know which can be proven to be true or not. To me, reincarnation is something metaphorical, but it implies a lot of truth. While I am not sure whether we literally reincarnate, it is true that a human life is so rich that it may take man many lifetimes to fully understand the big ticket items like what love and Oneness mean, and how we are truly made in the image and likeness of the Divine.

But if it is true that we only have one shot at life, as Christians believe, then we should make the most of every mortal moment that unfolds in the space-time continuum. Look at life as a mission and don’t procrastinate about what your mission is. You can and must discern it just by being alive.

Cemeteries, columbaries are monuments that can make one quite reflective. They tell us that there were people who once were alive, just like us. They lived, loved, laughed, sang, and did everything that we do. And all of it has ended for them. I sometimes wonder how many of them actually lived life the way they wanted to.

Spirit has no beginning, and it has no end. But somewhere and somehow, it is plucked out of timelessness and eternity and made to experience mortality. It is thrown out of Eden to experience being human.

I wrote a book once entitled Between Blinks where I suggested that human life is a mere blink. We live it without truly seeing, lost as we are in material and mortal callings, when in truth, we are spirits having a mortal experience. May this season of the dead remind us to reflect that we are spirit first before we are human, that this body, which came from the dust of the Big Bang of an evolving universe, will surely return to dust. And the spirit will live on.

Street smarts

HUMMING IN MY UNIVERSE By Jim Paredes (The Philippine Star) Updated October 28, 2012 12:00 AM

Education is important. Very few will dispute that. And I am glad that many parents who finished a certain level of education almost always encourage their children to go for a higher level than they have achieved. Education, as it should be, is associated not just with upward economic and social mobility, but also with achievement, refinement of character and wisdom.

And while it is generally correct to assume that this is so, education as introduced and offered formally in institutes of learning is often not enough to get us through. We need more than book learning. And I am not just talking about the saying that education never ends. Indeed, that is true. I am talking more about the kind of education that develops a practical mind that allows one to deal with situations not taught or imagined in school. It’s all about being street smart.

I have met many people who have finished college, and have gone on to studies for specializations. They have master’s degrees and PhDs. You would think that with all that knowledge, one could go to them for advice. Not always. Often, the wisdom you wish to tap and the advice you wish to get from the very learned is limited, actually wanting, since they can tend to be bookish and academic or purely theoretical. They lack a pragmatic, practical viewpoint, a realistic understanding of how things operate in this world.

I have also met quite a number of “unschooled” people who may lack formal education but have a lot more smarts. These people do not have PhDs and some of them hardly read or sit down and discuss issues in acceptably “learned” ways, but they impart wisdom that can serve anyone well. Here are some things I have learned from conversations with ordinary people, some of them drivers and household help, which I think are brilliant.

1) “Kung gusto mo ng steak, di kailangan bumili ng buong baka.” (If you want steak, you don’t have to buy the whole cow.)

I heard this from my former driver. We were talking about sex and relationships and it was his way of explaining the difference between lust and love. He was saying that if you just need sexual release, you don’t need an entire relationship. But this applies to many things as well, like knowing exactly what you want, paying the right price and not fooling yourself by overcommitting to extras you do not really want just to get one thing.

2) “Dapat alamin kung kelan magsalita at kung kelan tumahimik.” (One should know when and what to say or when to keep silent.)

Billy Joel wrote a song about this. It is brilliant. One should develop the sense to withhold comment when it is not needed, or one may be seen as crude, crass, banal or insensitive. It may make the situation worse.

Or do the opposite and say the proper things at the proper time. Know also when someone just needs a hug, or just a quiet, small but loving response, or none at all. This requires correct reading and discernment of the situation, self-control and self-knowledge, mindfulness and fellow-feeling.

3) “Huwag matulog nang galit.” (Don’t go to sleep holding a grudge.)

This is great advice even if it is hard to follow. And it applies to relating with people who live under the same roof. It takes a lot, but when people bring up issues that cause irritation or quarrels with the resolve to talk about them maturely and go past them, it is a big step in keeping relationships open, and will guarantee good sleep.

4) “Iba yung dati sa ngayon.” (That was then. This is now.)

I really like this. Many times, we get stuck in the idea that one must hold the same views, attitudes or preferences forever, and that to change them makes us inconsistent, dishonest or lacking in commitment. I like being reminded that we live in a world that is dynamic and that we must adapt to change. Often, it is pride more than anything else that makes us hold intractable views, mindsets and opinions. When one is sure of himself, he is more accepting of change, and does not feel guilty going with change, especially when a higher wisdom dictates it.

5) If you can trust a person on money matters, you can trust him in most things.

Many friendships or close relationships have been shattered due to mistrust about money matters. I firmly believe in paying debts on time. At the very least, one must say beforehand if there are difficulties about meeting such a commitment. Transparency about money is very important. One must not be shy about bringing up money matters upfront to avoid misunderstanding or generate suspicion. And yes, every cent must be accounted for.

6) “Pagtapos na, tapos na.” (When it’s over, it’s over.)

This is practical, useful and a real relationship saver. Do not bring up past arguments that have already been fought over and settled. It also refers to not looking back and dwelling on things that one can’t do anything about anymore. No more living in the past with its toxic inertia. To do so is to foolishly invest energy in things that cannot possibly give any emotional or psychological payback whatsoever. Sadly, very few people practice this great lesson.

Here’s two more things I picked up from random conversations with ordinary people that need no elaboration. One is, when men talk about relationships they’ve had, they tend to up the number of partners. But when women do, they tend to lower the figure. The other one is, when a man leaves a long-standing relationship, there is a chance that he will return. But when it is the woman who leaves, the chance she may return is practically zero. I’ve observed this to be true in almost all cases.

The education you get outside of the classroom is equally fascinating, and valuable.

* * *

On Nov. 3, I will hold a photography workshop at the Bee Farm resort in Tagbilaran, Bohol. This will be from 1 p.m. to 6:30 p.m. You must have a DSLR camera to join. To make a reservation or ask for more details, pls write me at jpfotojim@gmail.com. This will be lots of fun and at the very least will dramatically improve the photos you post on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter.

Adapting to change

HUMMING IN MY UNIVERSE By Jim Paredes (The Philippine Star) Updated October 21, 2012 12:00 AM

I have been lucky to see the world undergo major changes and upheavals before my very eyes. I was born in an analogue world that transformed into a digital one practically overnight.

I have also seen empires rise and collapse, among them the Marcos dictatorship, the Berlin Wall, Iran’s royal family, the fall of Mubarak in Egypt, Saddam in Iraq, Kadaffi in Libya.

I have witnessed fads come and go, come back and enjoy revivals. I have seen the music scene change drastically. I have seen old stars and a lot of new ones have their moment of fame and disappear into oblivion.

I have also personally experienced what it is like to have been born to modest means and move up to something more comfortable, materially.

I feel extra lucky that throughout all this, I have managed to adapt to the situation. I have adjusted to the quick pace of technological changes and, I dare say, I often thrive in it. I realize that the pace of changing politics, morals, religion, social mores, etc. does not intimidate me. Rather, it challenges me to engage the world in ever more complex ways.

I thought of making a list of practical advice culled from my experience in coping and even thriving in an ever-changing landscape. I thank the many people who have taught me these valuable lessons that I now take to heart.

1. Keep reading and learning.

By this, I mean keep reading about the new stuff because that is important, but also do catch up on the old stuff you should have read by now. I know a lot of young modern people who are not at all versed in the classics, and their ignorance shows. They do not seem to see the importance of knowing what transpired in the world before the arrival of their latest gadgets. They may understand technology and its techniques but they lack depth and substance. Faddish and trendy, they may think they are adept at riding the wave of change but have little gravitas when the subject matter needs knowledge of historical perspective or analysis.

By knowing the past, you will be able to situate the present more clearly, and understand the future more confidently.

2. Junk beliefs, paradigms, habits and practices that do not expand your knowledge or serve you in a positive way.

I look at traditions as structures and forms that either serve society or have become obsolete. There may have been reasons for their existence that helped and guided people during their time and I respect that. While we may recognize them, we do not have to be trapped in them if they are no longer relevant.

Early in the 11th century, the Catholic Church was society’s main power broker. It was all-powerful and it controlled almost every facet of man’s life. It even dictated who people should marry. While this may have made sense before the Age of Enlightenment when feudalism was the system, this all-encompassing power is clearly out of step in this secular age we live in. There is, no doubt, a role for the Church in modern times and one must discern what it is in one’s life.

And so it goes with the structure of government, educational institutions, social mores, intellectual and scientific knowledge, etc. We must constantly review and determine which of these to keep and upgrade and which to discard totally.

3. Know that everything is always in a state of flux.

Things are always changing. And I mean everything. When you think about it, you are not even the exact same person who went to bed last night and woke up this morning. Overnight, some of your body cells have died and new ones have come to be. You have aged incrementally and you continue to do so every moment.

And this is true for everything else. Impermanence is the rule. If you want some semblance of permanence, you will have to work at it. Civilization, with its rules, political and social structures, religions, calendars, worldview, etc. is man’s attempt at making things more predictable and permanent. But the irony is, even civilizations, societies and world orders must constantly adapt to change.

4. Know that you have a limited time on earth.

If there are things you want or have to do, don’t wait. This is a concept young people have a hard time understanding. When you are young, you feel invincible, strong, and death is something you do not think about since it only happens to older people. I always think of young people like the late actor, Rico Yan, who died unexpectedly and how much more they could have done if they had stayed a little longer in the world. No one knows when death will happen. So don’t waste time.

There are only so many seconds, hours, days, weeks, months and years one has to be able to create a life that contributes to the greater good. Don’t dilly-dally. Just do it. And learn along the way.

To be able to do what you want and need to do, you must have the energy and stamina to do them. So eat right, exercise and do everything in moderation to keep your health in good shape. Do not poison your body with smoking, drugs and other substances and practices that will undermine your physical and mental health.

5. Be happy.

This advice is easy to give but you may need to go through a learning curve to make it a state of mind that you will carry throughout your life. To be happy, you must create a world where this is possible and make it one that will sustain your happiness. And let me tell you, 98 percent of the time, this is a state of mind more than the physical surroundings you may find yourself in. Your thoughts make your reality. This is all about acquiring a state of mind where you can feel and see gratitude for all things. When one is grateful, everything is a gift. You can pretty much live under any conditions. People with happy dispositions adapt to change better. When one is not grateful, everything is wanting, and there is always something to complain about or resist.

6. Lastly, it is important to live your passion.

Know what it is that makes you tick, or come alive and pursue it. Whatever makes you feel that life is worth living is your passion. And indulging your passion makes you understand how to love something. Pour your whole being into it, and as you do, you will learn the ways of love and how to engage life more fully, and you will become contagious to everyone you meet.

How to live longer

HUMMING IN MY UNIVERSE By Jim Paredes (The Philippine Star) Updated September 30, 2012 12:00 AM

I got an e-mail from a classmate recently telling me he just underwent a quadruple bypass. He felt extremely lucky saying he was “saved” by a higher power and the reason, he felt, is because he still has other things to accomplish in life. He is still too young to say goodbye. Thank God he got proper warning via a stroke that was caught in time, and he received a new lease, another chance at life.

I consider a person who lives past 77 years to have lived a long life. I base that number on personal family history. On the average, my uncles and aunts on both my parents’ sides lived around that long. When someone lives a long life, there is a certain sense of completion about his or her time on earth. The word “lifetime” to describe his or her existence on earth becomes quite apt.

With longevity, it is safe to assume that one has survived many battles, illnesses, disappointments, great sadness, numerous trials, to live another day, and another. But then, one must have also experienced joy, happiness, laughter, friendship, love, mirth, ecstasy, and many other pleasurable states.

The saddest person is one who has lived too long but who feels that he has simply wasted his life away. It is said that this is a probable reason why certain people get to be cantankerous as they age. It is their way of lashing out at life because they did not live it on their own terms. They had dreams all right, but they were too scared, too timid and shy, or too disempowered to have done anything about them, least of all pursue them. They have lived a long life, but not in a majestic way. They have simply… wasted away.

It is such a blessing to be able to spend a great deal of time doing what one loves to do. When I watch the Oscars, the Emmys and other similar shows that recognize excellence, and I see aging men and women who are praised and honored for their outstanding work, I see and feel their sense of achievement. One not-so-secret explanation for this is, these men and women loved what they did, and that’s why they did it well. They put a lot of time, effort and passion in their work and the excellence they produced is the result of their love and dedication.

I see this same love and dedication in lives played out by ordinary people who live lives of lesser magnitude, with hardly any public recognition, but of quiet impact. Teachers, doctors, housemaids, nurses, caregivers, priests, nuns, employees, etc., spend a great deal of their lives in service to others, and they love what they do. They invest a great deal of their waking hours caring for, nurturing, and making it possible for other people to live their lives not only in greater comfort and safety, but with illumination and meaning. One might say, the people they serve wouldn’t have had such a high level of achievement and functionality if they didn’t have such men and women of generosity and bigness of heart in their lives.

There are many theories on longevity. Some men attribute their longevity to their wives. The English novelist Charles Read wrote, “A wife is essential to great longevity; she is the receptacle of half a man’s cares, and two-thirds of his ill humor.” I am not sure I agree with this as a rule, but it raises the question, what should we attribute a woman’s long life to? To men who dump their worries, cares and ill humor on them? Just asking.

I have met people who have lived long fruitful lives, some with partners and some without. When I ask them how they have managed to live so long, they talk about their specific formulas for health which often make sense only to them, since some of what they say is contrary to what health experts believe promotes longevity, such as smoking or daily intake of alcohol. Some say exercise, or lack of it. Some say their secret is eating certain foods and avoiding or indulging in certain vices.

But after talking with them for a while, you will see that their attitude has a lot to do with it. These are people who know how to be happy, and who have lived a big part of their lives with real purpose. They wake up every day raring to do something they like to do, finding meaningful activities to spend their time on.

Victor Frankl, in his awesome book Man’s Search For Meaning, wrote about his horrendous experience in a Nazi concentration camp during World War II. Death was a daily occurrence in the camps due to lack of food, poor nutrition, sickness, depression, or murder. But while there were many reasons why people died, he observed that there were tangible reasons why some people lived despite the odds. And these had nothing to do with age, sex, health status, educational level, or whatever other demographic. It had everything to do with the fact that these men and women, though thrown into the worst circumstances life could conjure, felt they still had things to do in their lives. Some wanted to see their children and families. A few wanted to write books, continue their education, or attend to some unfinished business. All of them were looking forward to something after the horror was over.

Lucky are the people who find their passions early in life; they can spend a lot of time indulging in joyful, meaningful activities. And the more they do it, the more excited and happy they become. They are inspirations to others who are trapped in dreary, meaningless lives.

Although a lot of people live longer by looking forward to a better future and making that their inspiration, there are those who attribute their longevity to avoiding stress and not worrying about things they cannot control. They pretty much live in the here and now.

This is what the American writer-director Garson Kanin meant when he wrote, “A man 90 years old was asked to what he attributed his longevity. ‘I reckon,’ he said, with a twinkle in his eye, ‘it’s because most nights I went to bed and slept when I should have sat up and worried.’”

Here’s to longevity! A long life to all!

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1) I would like to invite everyone to my solo concert, “Live Laugh Sing,” on Oct. 11 at the Newport Theater, Resorts World, at 8 p.m. I promise you surprise and delight. I will be singing a wide variety of material. My guests are Yeng Constantino, Noel Cabangon, Ebe Dancel and Jett Pangan. Call 0917-8859338/ 0918-8859335 for ticket reservations, with delivery. Or call or go to Ticketnet. See you all there.

2) Here’s something exciting! A Photo Workshop at Bee Farm in Bohol on Oct. 20. Interested? Please write me at jpfotojim@gmail.com for details.

Acting, my new adventure

HUMMING IN MY UNIVERSE By Jim Paredes (The Philippine Star) Updated September 23, 2012 12:00 AM

I came home at 7 a.m. last Thursday after a taping of Maalaala Mo Kaya, a TV drama that depicts the life stories of people who send their narratives to Charo Santos of ABS-CBN who hosts the show. Last night, I played the father of Diether Ocampo. I will not divulge too much about the episode. Besides, you will surely hear about it before it is shown next week.

I am also part of the cast of a big, high-profile teleserye playing next month called A Beautiful Affair, a sure blockbuster love story featuring the stellar combination of Bea Alonzo and John Lloyd, also on the Kapamilya network. We have been taping for close to a month now.

It sounds strange hearing myself say it, but yes, I am now an actor. Among the many things I do, such as composing, singing, performing, teaching, photography, writing and running workshops, I guess I now have the right and the privilege to include acting for television. After all, I have been doing enough of it recently.

The truth is, for a number of years, I was quite averse to acting on television. Based on the admittedly few local TV shows I watched, I just did not think there was ample reason to be part of them in any big or permanent way. In general, the plots, I felt, were rather staid, derivative of foreign TV shows or movies, or were too contrived. The characters were hollow, one dimensional and stereotypical, the acting melodramatic, and the pace of the storytelling too slow.

Still, acting jobs would occasionally be offered and sometimes, I would accept them when they came my way.

This year, I decided to go as far as I can in acting. Why the change of heart? Maybe it’s because of the fact that I am at the onset of my sixth decade and I have decided that, at the very least, I should consider opportunities where I may find new ways to express myself.

When I was asked to join the cast of A Beautiful Affair, I consciously fought off my initial hesitation and promptly said yes. Little did I know that the experience would be quite amazing. For starters, the members of the cast were subjected to an acting workshop given by Laurice Guillen.

An acting workshop involves a lot of things, among them letting go of one’s fears to be able to bravely act out the assigned role with clarity and honesty. It involves stepping forward to the unknown and uncomfortable territory of trusting intuition and allowing vulnerability, and coming from one’s truth and applying it in acting out a script. As the actor and teacher Sanford Meisner put it, “Acting is behaving truthfully under imaginary circumstances.”

The exercise was both exhilarating and draining. I sensed a new energy in the room and the actors were able to establish a rapport with each other quickly. I also felt tired because we went through a lot of exercises in expressing varied feelings.

Taping a teleserye involves a lot of emotional commitment. One must get into the role and deliver. I was initially intimidated, but eventually, thankfully, I was exhilarated after I did a rather emotional scene with Bea Alonzo. It took a lot out of me working with someone like Bea, who fearlessly shows vulnerability and engagement. After I had internalized my script and my role and faced the cameras, I felt like I was being pulled into a more intense emotional connection with her and to the whole scene. I was “one” with it. It was electric.

Acting in a teleserye also involves a lot of time spent just waiting. There are so many scenes shot in a day and that takes much planning on the part of the crew and a lot of waiting on the part of the actors. Meanwhile, stories are shared and friendships are formed among the cast.

I have also learned a lot seeing how lights and cameras are set up, and how actors tackle their roles. I am learning how the director paces and choreographs actors, cameras and the entire movement and execution of the scenes.

It is similar to music where one fills up time with notes and silences arranged to lift the listener to a new experience. All this is nuanced with the dynamics of volume and sound texture. The difference is, in acting, you fill up time and space with something that hopefully makes sense and is engaging enough, or riveting enough for the audience to be interested. You fill up time and space with your story using your body, movement, voice and emotional state to convey its real meaning.

I have often wondered why many actors, actresses and performers everywhere seem to have messed-up personal lives. There seems to be too much alcohol or drug use, promiscuity and other toxic indulgences in place of a quiet, more stable emotional life. The answer, I believe, is partly that when, say, a businessman invests in an endeavor, it is only money he puts on the line. Money can always be replaced, or earned again when lost. But actors and performers invest their entire beings in what they do. They are emotionally “invested” in their performance. They “lose” when they deliver less than expected and so the loss is always personal. And quite often, one is remembered for one’s last performance.

Maybe that’s why they fall prey to substances and behavior that can give them a “lift” or heighten their senses to feel more alive to what they do. For many performers, their work is the single most important thing in their lives and they ask their audience to judge them solely by it. They may be pathetic in many ways in their personal lives, but brilliant when acting. That’s why actor Vincent Price once said, “What’s important about an actor is his acting, not his life.”

I have a lot more to learn about acting. At 61, it sounds funny hearing myself say that I am a new student learning a new craft. But yes, it feels really good and the excitement of it makes me feel alive.

Let’s talk about (ahem) sex

HUMMING IN MY UNIVERSE By Jim Paredes (The Philippine Star) Updated September 16, 2012 12:00 AM

A friend called me the other day to ask how I gave my “birds and bees” talk to my kids. A conscientious parent, she felt it was time to have the conversation with her son. She had talked to her husband about it, and true to the stereotype of men, he said that she should do the talking to their 14-year-old.

I kind of laughed knowing how difficult this can be. Most parents try to avoid any talk of sex or even a remote display of sexual affection toward each other in front of the kids. The subject is simply taboo. But my friend is, thankfully, one of those who felt the need to openly discuss sex with her son. It was time.

My parents never talked to me about sex. When I was growing up, I got most of the information about sex from friends who discovered its powerful allure through the natural processes that happen to the body at the onset of puberty. Wet dreams, and discovering masturbation, are part of sexual awakening. There was also pornography which classmates bought like drugs from dark street corners then shared with everyone. I was also exposed occasionally to men’s magazines like Playboy from the dad of a classmate who collected them. We knew where he hid them.

My classmates and I were quite obsessed with sex at the onset of high school, although some were already in that state as early as Grade 6. We partly discussed the matter in school but always in religion class where we were peppered with guilt and warnings of hellfire, but there was hardly any talk of the pleasure of it. My best lessons about sex and love, I learned hands-on, if you’ll pardon the expression, when I started meeting and relating to girls.

So, when I had my own kids, I vowed to give them “the talk” when it was time. When they were close to adolescence, I would watch TV with them and bring up conversation when I felt that the MTV channel they were viewing was too sexed up, or promoted values too hot for them to handle. I felt that these were teachable moments and I took advantage of them. I figured that if I was in the same room and these were showing and I did not say anything, I could send the worst signal: that I tacitly approved of them. So I took time to watch what they watched, not to condemn the content, but to bring it up for discussion. In that way, I tried to establish openness with them.

I am not a sex expert. Far from it. But I know it is crucial that such a powerful instinct as sex be influenced and guided with parental love, scientific facts and true wisdom if we want our kids to be able to handle it in a way that expresses their loving essence.

One of the things I told my two daughters and a son was that sex is something they will have to deal with for life. It is one of life’s most constant and greatest forces that they will have to understand, tame and contend with, perhaps until life ends. So it is important to have an open mind and a healthy understanding of it. And just as all of us on earth are sexually transmitted, everyone is also a sexual being, and sex is one of the most unique ways by which we can express ourselves. We will face and indulge in sex many times in our lives and hopefully, the experience will always be amazing, wonderful, pleasurable, moving in a most human way, and done consensually with great love.

I remember telling my girls that at the young age they were then (about 13-14), they were already capable of and subject to life-long consequences for their actions and it is good to be aware of it. Once they first had their periods, although they still seemed like little girls at times (even to themselves), they were now capable of bearing children, wanted or unwanted, planned or unplanned. And so it was important for them to understand their bodies, and be in control of themselves and the situation when they were in the company of boys in almost any setting.

If one is not in control, one is potentially a victim. It is as simple as that.

The metaphor I used to describe sex was something I got from the writer M. Scott Peck: sex is like owning a horse. If you don’t tame it, it will go where it wants to go when it wants to. If you are in control, you will go where you wish to go with it when you are ready.

I also told them that while I trust them to do the right thing, they will be in many situations where Mom and Dad may not be around, so they had to use common sense and be guided by the values we have taught them. It would be their call so it was important to be always aware of what is going on around them. Being street smart is a virtue in such situations.

In an age where the allure of sex is everywhere, thanks to the media that permeates almost every aspect of our lives, it is important to educate kids so they can think for themselves and discern not just what is right from wrong. It is also crucial that they discern what is good and best for them, to think beyond getting caught up in the moment of sexual attraction, but to transcend it. They must realize that sex is only part of the bigger scheme of a relationship. And sexual energy does not need to be expressed only as an outright sexual act, but can also be sublimated as passion for living life and its many aspects.

It has been many years since I did “the talk” with my kids. I think they have all grown up to be decent, happy adults. We have kept an open channel for discussing sex, relationships, and other sensitive matters. I remember how their school friends would come to the house and open up to Lydia and me about their relationships, a subject they could not discuss with their own parents.

I really appreciate it when my kids ask me straight questions about sex, such as the importance of sex in the entire context and lifespan of a marriage. Such an important topic should be open for discussion in the same way as religion, spirituality, career, health and other vital life issues. And the great thing is, if parents and their children can discuss sex in an open and healthy manner, they can discuss practically anything.

How do you jump off a 100-foot pole?

HUMMING IN MY UNIVERSE By Jim Paredes (The Philippine Star) Updated September 09, 2012 12:00 AM

There is a Zen koan that asks the cryptic question, “How do you jump off a 100-foot pole?” A koan is pretty much like a riddle but one must abandon thinking and embrace it holistically to get its message. And there is no one definitive message in a koan. There are many ways to be right and wrong about it. The most common way to approach it (and it is the wrong way) is to be logical, rational and mental. To understand a koan, one must sit, quiet oneself, and marinate in the koan until it reveals its secret to you. Think of its meaning as something like a territory that you enter. You can be anywhere north, south, east, west of its territory, meaning-wise, and explore it all over, and in the process you will discover shades and nuances of meaning.

This week, with the box office and critical success of the movie I Dobidoobidoo, I, and the people behind the movie, have been basking in the limelight. Honestly, it feels great. It is very validating to have one’s work recognized and appreciated in a big way. I’m sure everyone in the cast feels it too. Everyone associated with the production must be on a high. As high as a 100-foot pole.

I remember those times when I could not sleep after an APO concert. The audience reaction and the performance itself would give me an adrenalin rush that kept me awake even when I was physically tired from doing a two-hour show. I simply could not relax and doze off. It would take quite a while for the adrenalin to dissipate from my system. I would lie down, close my eyes but to no avail, and I would finally fall asleep as the sun was rising.

It felt great doing a show where all the things we planned worked out beautifully. Sometimes, my lingering excitement after a show would cause a clash with my wife who had an entirely different experience of it as a member of the audience. I expected from her the same level of involvement and appreciation of the minute aspects of the show, and I would be so disappointed when she appeared less involved or enthusiastic than I was. To her, it was just another performance that ended when it ended, or at best lingered for a short while. But to me it was about a host of other things — an act of daring, an achievement in execution, a validation of our talent from the audience.

I now have a better appreciation of my wife’s reaction. Even today, when I get too giddy and excited about the things I am involved in, she reminds me that it is only, say, a workshop, a song, a performance, or a movie. She is obviously coming from a different place. But her attitude has helped keep me grounded. Her deadpan remarks are great reminders for me to let go and practice non-attachment to those things that bloat the ego. She helps me get off the 100-foot pole.

Going back to the koan, I want to rephrase it coming from an artistic point of view and ask, ‘How does one get out of the predictable and sure formula that one is successful at? And why should one even think of changing the formula?”

I ask myself these questions quite often. My great fear as an artist is complacency, being too comfortable about my art and developing a fear of “walking on the edge” and trying new things. I always remind myself to try out new approaches, open myself to new opportunities and take risks. The older I get and knowing that I have less time to enjoy my work, the more adventurous I have become. One thing I know is, I don’t want to be a “safe” artist. I want to feel alive and I can only feel that when I practice creativity and awareness.

I admire artists like Miles Davis who started so many trends in jazz throughout his career. He made new rules and often broke them. He was always pushing the envelope. There’s also Picasso. I am not a fan of every stage he went through but I admire his playful and adventurous creative spirit.

I think it is only possible to be like that if one is willing to jump from the stratospheric 100-foot pole where the “sure thing” is kept on a pedestal, and leave behind old formulas and concepts, tried and tested templates, and question rules, norms and judgment, so that we remain open to whatever turns up. Only then can new, fearless, inspired, original creation happen.

This can be applied to all other disciplines and aspects of living, from parenting to new business ventures, surviving mid-life, trying to start anew at life, etc. There is a point when one needs to move forward and leave his comfort zone and that can be terrifying. But this comfort zone can eventually become a death zone where one stops growing and becomes content, stuck with only what he knows or understands. Life becomes static, boring, a closed set. Knowledge becomes obsolete. And one feels dead to one’s self.

When one has reached this point in one’s life, the next step is The Leap.

I met a woman who became a successful producer at a TV network. She started her working life there, paid attention and learned the ropes, worked her way up the ladder and eventually became a producer of some big shows. While it was exciting for many years, she eventually got tired of the pressure. She realized that despite her success and the money she earned, she was not happy; she did not have time to feel alive and even have a real life. She felt that if she stayed on, her life would be meaningless and miserable.

She finally resigned after nine years on the job, and after resting, she embraced baking with great passion and abandon. These days, she calls herself a baker and a chef, and by her own account, she is happy, fulfilled — and successful. And she earns enough to support herself.

Security, predictability and safety are great. But at a certain point, they can be soul killing. I think of people I have met who abandoned their ambitions, opting for security rather than pursuing their dreams and passions, settling for second best. They are generally a dissatisfied bunch. Many have stopped feeling, they have lost the capability to love or come alive. They went for security but later found themselves stuck in the sure thing that provides them employment and financial support in exchange for feeling truly alive.

I have also met people who gave up job security to take higher studies, or start new ventures, or migrate to another country. They talk of feeling so alive despite a cut in pay and a step down in status or standard of living. They feel new energies oozing out of them, guiding them where to go, what to do, who to talk to, etc.

The paradox is, uncertainty can be wonderful even if we fear and avoid it. Many times, the uncertain and unsure is thrust upon us by fate, and we discover that our road maps are suddenly inadequate and we must make new ones to survive. Some adjust bravely and successfully. Those are the lucky ones.

The unlucky ones are left alone as if fate has denied them a deus ex machina that messes things up. Nothing dramatic or unexpected shakes up their lives. No outward crisis befalls them and forces them out of their comfort zone. Instead, they go through a slow, quiet “dying” which goes largely unnoticed. Years of living without challenge or passion have made them unable or unwilling to listen to the remaining life force inside them that is crying for attention.

Sadly, they will never experience jumping off the 100-foot pole.

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Attention Bohol and Cebu: I will be having a photography workshop this Oct. 20 at Bee Farm in Bohol. This is open to beginners, and to all levels. If you are interested, please write me at jpfotojim@gmail.com, and I will send you the details. I promise you a great time.